why do I do this?!
so I'm going to try some free association writing for a second just because I'm feeling overwhelmed by my own thoughts... bare with me
...why do I feel like everyone else is meeting someone, or that relationships just work for them? It's not self pity or being angry at anyone, I just don't understand why I can not find anyone. And more importantly than that I "sort-of" find someone and they decide that they are in a transitional spot in their life. So i uncousiously decide that to start a relationship especially with someone that doesn't know what's going on with them. So, I realize that I have feelings for him, and decide that I don't need a relationship with him, and it's not going to be a very good start, but of course, I start falling for him, quickly. He understands me, on an emtional level. He listens, we have TONS in common. He makes me smile and laugh. Let see, is there anything wrong with this picture. Oh and there's an attraction, but I think it started long ago, when we first dated.
Even if no one reads or responds to this, it feels really good to get it out. I haven't written in a long time. Writing used to be the only thing that helped, but I talk to Jon all the time, so there's nothing to get out. He listens to it all. Maybe that's it, he's just a good friend that I'm attracted to. So do I just stop going to visit him and the feelings will disipate? Or do I just stop everything? I don't think I'm willing to stop everything, and not because of my feelings but because it's sooooo hard to find someone that you connect with. We are different types of people, but the same in the right ways. I start talking to him and I'll find that hours have gone by, on a daily occurance, when has this ever happened before? I can honestly say, I didn't even have this good of a connection with Jason, and I almost married him, that scares the HELL out of me!! I think it scares me most because I almost married someone that I was with almost out of convience sake, I'm not sure. He was always there for me, but where we lacked things, it was Very important to me.
It's been over a year since I've had a serious relationship, and I feel like I'm getting nowhere, like I'm on a desert island, no boys on there of course, I'm geting shit on. Do I deserve this?!!? Just because I'm picky!! BOO! And then when I find someone.... ummm, I'm going through stuff right now, oh shit... he's not that into me. He doesn't want to hurt my feelings so he keeps playing along, i'm soo retarded! I must repeat, he's just a friend, he's just a friend. Wow, this sucks! And it hurts. I hate relationships for the way they disappoint me.
Sooo, sorry for anyone that reads this, it's really long. But I just needed to figure this out. And I kind of did, a little. Success, thanks live journal...
...why do I feel like everyone else is meeting someone, or that relationships just work for them? It's not self pity or being angry at anyone, I just don't understand why I can not find anyone. And more importantly than that I "sort-of" find someone and they decide that they are in a transitional spot in their life. So i uncousiously decide that to start a relationship especially with someone that doesn't know what's going on with them. So, I realize that I have feelings for him, and decide that I don't need a relationship with him, and it's not going to be a very good start, but of course, I start falling for him, quickly. He understands me, on an emtional level. He listens, we have TONS in common. He makes me smile and laugh. Let see, is there anything wrong with this picture. Oh and there's an attraction, but I think it started long ago, when we first dated.
Even if no one reads or responds to this, it feels really good to get it out. I haven't written in a long time. Writing used to be the only thing that helped, but I talk to Jon all the time, so there's nothing to get out. He listens to it all. Maybe that's it, he's just a good friend that I'm attracted to. So do I just stop going to visit him and the feelings will disipate? Or do I just stop everything? I don't think I'm willing to stop everything, and not because of my feelings but because it's sooooo hard to find someone that you connect with. We are different types of people, but the same in the right ways. I start talking to him and I'll find that hours have gone by, on a daily occurance, when has this ever happened before? I can honestly say, I didn't even have this good of a connection with Jason, and I almost married him, that scares the HELL out of me!! I think it scares me most because I almost married someone that I was with almost out of convience sake, I'm not sure. He was always there for me, but where we lacked things, it was Very important to me.
It's been over a year since I've had a serious relationship, and I feel like I'm getting nowhere, like I'm on a desert island, no boys on there of course, I'm geting shit on. Do I deserve this?!!? Just because I'm picky!! BOO! And then when I find someone.... ummm, I'm going through stuff right now, oh shit... he's not that into me. He doesn't want to hurt my feelings so he keeps playing along, i'm soo retarded! I must repeat, he's just a friend, he's just a friend. Wow, this sucks! And it hurts. I hate relationships for the way they disappoint me.
Sooo, sorry for anyone that reads this, it's really long. But I just needed to figure this out. And I kind of did, a little. Success, thanks live journal...