In Mourning...
Tonight, my Doctor died.
He has his good moments. He had his bad. There were moments when he had me cheering loud enough to wake the neighborhood and moments when I'd put my head in my hands and wonder why I ever started watching this show.
But he was my Doctor.
I watched him, and he drew me into this series and I was right there behind him and Rose and Martha and Donna as they raced through the whole of time and space. RTD's a shmuck, but he got this right. One of the whole points of Doctor Who is for us to be right there in the thick of things, if only in spirit.
Ten was passionate and full of life. He was always looking for the next adventure and the show made it clear that absolutely anybody might get sucked into his wake. Ten was thoughtless at points, and flighty and way too broody for anyone's own good, but I never doubted for a moment that he cared about everyone who ever followed him on his adventures, even if only for one episode. He cared about them, and every time they left him he mourned.
But he also had fun. At the heart and soul of him, Ten only wanted to have fun. I always got the impression that, off-screen, away from the drama and heartache and death, that he must have had so much fun. He wanted to travel the universe, see and do it all, and he just wanted someone by his side to share it with.
He cared about us, the whole human race. In a time when we are so convinced that we're doomed to extinction and that we deserve it...seeing the affection and the hope and the love he had for us, episode after episode, was something that kept me going, at times.
Yeah, I've spent time dreaming of him. When things have gotten bad and life just seems too dull and too normal, I've looked around praying I'd see the TARDIS and that he'd have left the door unlocked. I've dreamed of traveling the universe with him, of being a dramatic, clever heroine who'd save his life at the very last minute, of all the things he'd show me, and all the fun we'd have. My one last childhood hope was that my Doctor would swoop in one day and sweep me away, just for a little while.
Just for one trip.
Tonight my Doctor died.
RTD is a shmuck. RTD is a selfish, self-absorbed, ungrateful shmuck.
But my Doctor got one hell of a sendoff.
The story was amazing. I almost cried, at points, because the pain the Doctor was going through at the thought of his own death was almost tangible. But they still included fun bits. They still let him laugh, and make jokes, one last time. The Master got to be wonderfully, creepily crazy, and then he got to make the progression from villain to frickin' anti-hero. Wilfred...who would have thought that the newspaper salesman from Voyage of the Damned would go on to this? There really was no one else who could have been there for the Doctor right at the end. Martha and Mickey both got to be happy, and with any luck so does Jack (c'mon, fandom, Ianto would want him to be happy...). We even got the hint that there might be a teeny tiny bit of hope for Donna. And say what you like about Rose...it all began with her. It was only fitting that it should end with her.
Even the moment of the Doctor's death, when he was there with Wilfred and the chamber, was amazing. First off...yeah, David, when you say "whoever you think it is, you're wrong", you don't kid. All the drumbeats, and the bit where the Master was banging on the oil drum...I was sure it was one of those. And then, just when Ten thinks he might just get to live...Wilfred knocks four times just to get his attention. And he looks so meek and sorry about it, too...
At first, yeah, I was ready to turn the TV off when the Doctor started talking about how much more important he was than Wilfred. But then he realized. He realized, he remembered, and he accepted the fact of the matter - he's lived too long. He realized that if he gets so attached to himself that he's willing to sacrifice a friend to save his own life, then he's lived too long. It was that acceptance of the fact...
...and he said goodbye. Say what you like about Ten, but no Doctor has ever been so willing and able to say goodbye. He said goodbye to all of them, and he saved them one last time.
And that moment, that last moment, where there was no going back and he said his last words - "I don't want to go"...I didn't want you to go, either.
But it has been an honor, sir. You never saw me, and that was right, but I was right there behind you this whole time. It wasn't just me, either. Millions of us were with you on New Earth and the Impossible Planet and in the hospital on the moon. We were there in The Library, and we followed Martha Jones as she saved the world in your name. We were even there in the Crucible with you, holding our breath and waiting for you to save us from the most ultimate of destructions.
Tonight I went ahead and played "Attack of the Graske" one last time. I've never been able to do it perfectly - that point where you're supposed to find the Graske in that square back in Christmas 1883, I could never do that. But tonight, I did. I found the Graske, tracked it to its home planet, and freed all the prisoners.
And so I got to see the Doctor look at me, and say that I'd been excellent, and that one day he might just look me up.
Thanks, world. Thanks for the ultimate irony.
He has his good moments. He had his bad. There were moments when he had me cheering loud enough to wake the neighborhood and moments when I'd put my head in my hands and wonder why I ever started watching this show.
But he was my Doctor.
I watched him, and he drew me into this series and I was right there behind him and Rose and Martha and Donna as they raced through the whole of time and space. RTD's a shmuck, but he got this right. One of the whole points of Doctor Who is for us to be right there in the thick of things, if only in spirit.
Ten was passionate and full of life. He was always looking for the next adventure and the show made it clear that absolutely anybody might get sucked into his wake. Ten was thoughtless at points, and flighty and way too broody for anyone's own good, but I never doubted for a moment that he cared about everyone who ever followed him on his adventures, even if only for one episode. He cared about them, and every time they left him he mourned.
But he also had fun. At the heart and soul of him, Ten only wanted to have fun. I always got the impression that, off-screen, away from the drama and heartache and death, that he must have had so much fun. He wanted to travel the universe, see and do it all, and he just wanted someone by his side to share it with.
He cared about us, the whole human race. In a time when we are so convinced that we're doomed to extinction and that we deserve it...seeing the affection and the hope and the love he had for us, episode after episode, was something that kept me going, at times.
Yeah, I've spent time dreaming of him. When things have gotten bad and life just seems too dull and too normal, I've looked around praying I'd see the TARDIS and that he'd have left the door unlocked. I've dreamed of traveling the universe with him, of being a dramatic, clever heroine who'd save his life at the very last minute, of all the things he'd show me, and all the fun we'd have. My one last childhood hope was that my Doctor would swoop in one day and sweep me away, just for a little while.
Just for one trip.
Tonight my Doctor died.
RTD is a shmuck. RTD is a selfish, self-absorbed, ungrateful shmuck.
But my Doctor got one hell of a sendoff.
The story was amazing. I almost cried, at points, because the pain the Doctor was going through at the thought of his own death was almost tangible. But they still included fun bits. They still let him laugh, and make jokes, one last time. The Master got to be wonderfully, creepily crazy, and then he got to make the progression from villain to frickin' anti-hero. Wilfred...who would have thought that the newspaper salesman from Voyage of the Damned would go on to this? There really was no one else who could have been there for the Doctor right at the end. Martha and Mickey both got to be happy, and with any luck so does Jack (c'mon, fandom, Ianto would want him to be happy...). We even got the hint that there might be a teeny tiny bit of hope for Donna. And say what you like about Rose...it all began with her. It was only fitting that it should end with her.
Even the moment of the Doctor's death, when he was there with Wilfred and the chamber, was amazing. First off...yeah, David, when you say "whoever you think it is, you're wrong", you don't kid. All the drumbeats, and the bit where the Master was banging on the oil drum...I was sure it was one of those. And then, just when Ten thinks he might just get to live...Wilfred knocks four times just to get his attention. And he looks so meek and sorry about it, too...
At first, yeah, I was ready to turn the TV off when the Doctor started talking about how much more important he was than Wilfred. But then he realized. He realized, he remembered, and he accepted the fact of the matter - he's lived too long. He realized that if he gets so attached to himself that he's willing to sacrifice a friend to save his own life, then he's lived too long. It was that acceptance of the fact...
...and he said goodbye. Say what you like about Ten, but no Doctor has ever been so willing and able to say goodbye. He said goodbye to all of them, and he saved them one last time.
And that moment, that last moment, where there was no going back and he said his last words - "I don't want to go"...I didn't want you to go, either.
But it has been an honor, sir. You never saw me, and that was right, but I was right there behind you this whole time. It wasn't just me, either. Millions of us were with you on New Earth and the Impossible Planet and in the hospital on the moon. We were there in The Library, and we followed Martha Jones as she saved the world in your name. We were even there in the Crucible with you, holding our breath and waiting for you to save us from the most ultimate of destructions.
Tonight I went ahead and played "Attack of the Graske" one last time. I've never been able to do it perfectly - that point where you're supposed to find the Graske in that square back in Christmas 1883, I could never do that. But tonight, I did. I found the Graske, tracked it to its home planet, and freed all the prisoners.
And so I got to see the Doctor look at me, and say that I'd been excellent, and that one day he might just look me up.
Thanks, world. Thanks for the ultimate irony.