(no subject)
This is incredibly long and you shouldn't read it if you don't really wanna know what goes through my head....
~Note to Marshall: There is a large part about you so fair warning, if you don't wanna know, DON"T READ~
Have you ever found yourself to be emotionally hypocritical? If you haven't, pray you never are. It is probably the hardest thing to go through. See, I tend to fall for people because of how they look. I find someone i think is extremely cute and then i do whatever i can to be friends with them. After i become friends with them, i find them so cute and i have fallen for them so hard that i refuse to find the bad things about them. So i fall head over heals for them and slowly work my way up to telling them how i feel, which is where my emotions become hypocritical. They usually have no interest because they also are basing it on looks. So then i sit in my room wishing that there was a way to get them to look past the looks. So in essense, i am trying to get them to do what i couldn't do from the beginning. If i could meet someone who wasn't THAT into looks and really tried to look at my personality I would be all set. There is only one case in my life where i fell for someone i wasn't attracted to and that was Marshall. To start, i didn't find him attractive but i did see that he was a really great guy. So time went on and we talked a lot on AIM. I think AIM helped because as long as he hasn't lied about anything, (which I trust he hasn't), then i feel i've gotten to know him very well. We have become really good friends. It had initially been two or three weeks since we had met but i dind't think twice about seeing him at the club because i wasn't interested in him. For some reason though, when he walked through the door fo the club, he looked soo adorable to me. I've never had that before, the fact that was becoming more attractive to me as i got to know him. it wasn't that he isn't cute or attractive to begin with but originally his style was a turn off for me. So for once in my life, i have finally found someone that i could totally see myself with and it wasn't his looks that caught me at first. The only problem is that he's not interested at all. He is also caught up with looks but even though he won't say it, i know its my size that is unattractive to him. i know that its my size that is unattractive to a lot of people. Thats where the mind fuck is. I went to the club (Club Marcella) a few weeks ago and met the cutest person i have ver seen. The worst par is, he is totally into heavier guys. this guy was amzingly beautiful. He was muscular, tan, great face, amazing lips...and when i say he is muscular, i mean solid stomach including the absolute 8 pack. Well, anyway, i met him at the club and we talked for a bit and then the "thong song" came on. Just instinctively, we both just kind started dancing, which is when he started grinding with me and then wrapped my arms around him. It was the most amazing thing thats ever happened. I've never had someone that i thought was amazingly hot --dance with me, let alone touch there body. I could have sat there all night just touching his stomach and listening to him talk. Then I talked to my friend Ryan about him and found out how bad he was and that he just fucks them and leaves them. HELLO MIND FUCK! I totally wanted to hook up with him cause he was like the man of my dreams and he was into bigger guys. So i tracked him down and found his screen name after talking to him. So i talked to him a few times and he said i was TOO SKINNY! WTF?!?!?! I can't win in life, its either i'm too fat for someone or i'm too skinny. Why can't i find someone who likes me for me. I guess i can't say too much tho cause the guys that do like me, i can't see myself with them, which is horrible. Like, i find my friend Ryan completely amazing to just talk to. Hell, we walked around Ellicott like 4 times, just talking about everything and anything...especially boys! We are like the same person in the way we think and what we want but for some reason I'm not attracted to him. Which i feel very douchey about because I have no reason to not like him. I try to get past looks but yet i still get caught up to a point. Its not that Ryan is ugly or anything. Don't get me wrong, he's just not attractive to ME. Yet everything about his personality is what i want in someone. I'm so confused in my life. I don't even know what Ryan thinks of me so i don't know why i'm even having thoughts like this anyway. I guess by writing all this, I have totally been able to really think about my life and what i've been doing and I guess I just need to stop thinking way past where life is now. When i meet someone, don't talk to them with the intent of possibly dating them, don't think about what it would be like to date them....just talk to my friends and if something comes of it, it will come about. I can't push it anymore abecause maybe there is someone out there that did like me but when i get all bottled up I ambush people with my feelings and maybe scare them away. I don't know. That is just me, and i need to change how i am before i can expect other people to change how they are.
Ok, enough, my heart is empty, I've said my peace.....life goes on!
~Note to Marshall: There is a large part about you so fair warning, if you don't wanna know, DON"T READ~
Have you ever found yourself to be emotionally hypocritical? If you haven't, pray you never are. It is probably the hardest thing to go through. See, I tend to fall for people because of how they look. I find someone i think is extremely cute and then i do whatever i can to be friends with them. After i become friends with them, i find them so cute and i have fallen for them so hard that i refuse to find the bad things about them. So i fall head over heals for them and slowly work my way up to telling them how i feel, which is where my emotions become hypocritical. They usually have no interest because they also are basing it on looks. So then i sit in my room wishing that there was a way to get them to look past the looks. So in essense, i am trying to get them to do what i couldn't do from the beginning. If i could meet someone who wasn't THAT into looks and really tried to look at my personality I would be all set. There is only one case in my life where i fell for someone i wasn't attracted to and that was Marshall. To start, i didn't find him attractive but i did see that he was a really great guy. So time went on and we talked a lot on AIM. I think AIM helped because as long as he hasn't lied about anything, (which I trust he hasn't), then i feel i've gotten to know him very well. We have become really good friends. It had initially been two or three weeks since we had met but i dind't think twice about seeing him at the club because i wasn't interested in him. For some reason though, when he walked through the door fo the club, he looked soo adorable to me. I've never had that before, the fact that was becoming more attractive to me as i got to know him. it wasn't that he isn't cute or attractive to begin with but originally his style was a turn off for me. So for once in my life, i have finally found someone that i could totally see myself with and it wasn't his looks that caught me at first. The only problem is that he's not interested at all. He is also caught up with looks but even though he won't say it, i know its my size that is unattractive to him. i know that its my size that is unattractive to a lot of people. Thats where the mind fuck is. I went to the club (Club Marcella) a few weeks ago and met the cutest person i have ver seen. The worst par is, he is totally into heavier guys. this guy was amzingly beautiful. He was muscular, tan, great face, amazing lips...and when i say he is muscular, i mean solid stomach including the absolute 8 pack. Well, anyway, i met him at the club and we talked for a bit and then the "thong song" came on. Just instinctively, we both just kind started dancing, which is when he started grinding with me and then wrapped my arms around him. It was the most amazing thing thats ever happened. I've never had someone that i thought was amazingly hot --dance with me, let alone touch there body. I could have sat there all night just touching his stomach and listening to him talk. Then I talked to my friend Ryan about him and found out how bad he was and that he just fucks them and leaves them. HELLO MIND FUCK! I totally wanted to hook up with him cause he was like the man of my dreams and he was into bigger guys. So i tracked him down and found his screen name after talking to him. So i talked to him a few times and he said i was TOO SKINNY! WTF?!?!?! I can't win in life, its either i'm too fat for someone or i'm too skinny. Why can't i find someone who likes me for me. I guess i can't say too much tho cause the guys that do like me, i can't see myself with them, which is horrible. Like, i find my friend Ryan completely amazing to just talk to. Hell, we walked around Ellicott like 4 times, just talking about everything and anything...especially boys! We are like the same person in the way we think and what we want but for some reason I'm not attracted to him. Which i feel very douchey about because I have no reason to not like him. I try to get past looks but yet i still get caught up to a point. Its not that Ryan is ugly or anything. Don't get me wrong, he's just not attractive to ME. Yet everything about his personality is what i want in someone. I'm so confused in my life. I don't even know what Ryan thinks of me so i don't know why i'm even having thoughts like this anyway. I guess by writing all this, I have totally been able to really think about my life and what i've been doing and I guess I just need to stop thinking way past where life is now. When i meet someone, don't talk to them with the intent of possibly dating them, don't think about what it would be like to date them....just talk to my friends and if something comes of it, it will come about. I can't push it anymore abecause maybe there is someone out there that did like me but when i get all bottled up I ambush people with my feelings and maybe scare them away. I don't know. That is just me, and i need to change how i am before i can expect other people to change how they are.
Ok, enough, my heart is empty, I've said my peace.....life goes on!