OP fic: The Travels of Lucky Luffy
In spite of vowing never to write One Piece fic or comedy/parody again, here's a cracky OP fairy tale parody fic. XD Clearly, if you want me to do something, you just have to get me to swear not to.
Inspiration for this came from approximately a million hours of reading through D. L. Ashliman's archive of folktales.
Special thanks to angstymcgoth for betaing.
Worksafe, if somewhat riddled with innuendo.
The Travels of Lucky Luffy
~or: luck is what you make of it~
Chapter 1: Lucky Luffy and the Warlock
Once, in a land not so far from here, though not so close that one could actually get there, there was a young man named Luffy who was rather dim but exceedingly lucky. In fact he was so lucky that, though he made his way in the world by wandering, with nothing but the clothes on his back and the wide straw hat on his head, he never found himself wanting for anything.
One morning, he was walking through a thick wood, wishing for a haunch of venison or a juicy ham to munch on, when he came upon a little woodpecker fluttering in a snare. Thinking a light snack was better than nothing, Luffy was just about to eat the poor creature when it suddenly spoke with a human voice.
“Stop!” it said, “Don’t eat me! Let me out of this snare, for I am a fearsome warlock with eight thousand demons at my command, and I could curse you for the rest of your days!”
“Oh-ho-ho!” Luffy laughed, “You surprised me!” But he let the woodpecker go, because talking woodpeckers are too cool to eat.
The woodpecker fluttered to the ground and turned into a young man wearing a strange mask. His nose was long and thin like a woodpecker’s bill.
The warlock drew himself up with dignity, gathering his cloak about his shoulders.
“To thank you for freeing me,” he said, “Take these three silver balls. Any time you need help, cast one to the ground and call my name three times: Great King of Warlocks, Usopp-sama!”
So saying, he disappeared in a swirl of smoke and cackling. Luffy thought for a moment, dropped two balls into his pocket, and threw the third one to the ground, yelling:
“Great King of Warlocks, Usopp-sama, come help me!” three times.
Smoke swirled up from the ground, and Usopp stepped out from behind a tree into the cloud, arms crossed.
“Hey!” he said, “You know I’m not going to give you any more of those, if you’re going to go around wasting them.”
“But, it’s important,” Luffy pouted, “I’m really, really, REALLY hungry. Where can I find some meat?”
Usopp stared at him slack-jawed a moment, then stroked his chin dramatically.
“Yes, well, no job is too big or too small for the wise and ravishingly handsome Usopp-sama. Half a day’s walk north of here, you’ll come to a great castle known far and wide for its amazing cuisine. But the queen who rules there is known for being very devious, so you should- Hey!”
“Thanks!” Luffy called, already some ways down the path and disappearing quickly, “Yippee, meat!!”
The Great King of Warlocks Usopp-sama ran a hand over his face, then disappeared in a puff of smoke, muttering.
Chapter 2: Lucky Luffy at the Golden Palace
By sunset, Lucky Luffy had arrived at a huge castle, which glimmered in the last rays of the sun as if gilded from cornerstone to turret. The drawbridge was up, which was odd because it didn’t seem to have a moat, and odder still because it appeared to be gilded too. Luffy didn’t care, though, because the most delicious smells of garlic and spices and roasting meat were floating all around.
“Helloooo!” Luffy called, knocking on the gate, “Do you have anything to eat here?”
No one answered, though Luffy waited for a long time, and finally he walked around the castle until he found a smaller gate, which was standing ajar.
In the dark courtyard, the scents of delicious food were even stronger, and Luffy floated across the slick pavers, his mouth watering, threw open a large and very heavy door, and stepped into a great hall.
The hall was lit with a thousand candles, which glimmered everywhere on golden columns. There were golden tapestries, gold suits of armor standing at attention, and the walls were hung with golden swords and shields. Luffy didn’t notice any of this, however, because the long gold table was lavishly stacked with roasts and soups, bread and fruit, puddings, cheeses and crispy stuffed fowl. Luffy laid into the feast, and didn’t pause in stuffing his face until he’d eaten up every last scrap. Only then did he look up and notice there were two people in the hall. One was a beautiful woman with flaming red hair, seated on a golden throne at the head of the table. She was lavishly dressed in gold robes and a gold crown. The other was an extremely irate blond man who had been kicking Luffy out of his seat repeatedly for the last quarter hour.
“Hooo, vat waf good. Wutfup?” he asked them around the very last mouthful of pie.
The woman smiled poisonously and said, “That’s quite enough, Sanji-kun.”
“But, Nami-swa-er, Your Highness!” the blond protested.
“Sanji-kun? Don’t interrupt me when I’m speaking to a guest?”
“Yes, Your Highness!!”
“That,” said the Queen of the castle, for this was she, “Was a very large, very expensive meal. Somewhere, I’d say, around, oh… ten million berries?”
“Well, I don’t have ten million berries,” Luffy smiled, “So you’ll just have to let me go.”
“I don’t think so, asshole,” Sanji-kun said, grabbing him by the collar, “No one swindles the beautiful and impeccably fair-minded Queen Nami-san. Right, Your Highness?”
“Just so,” Queen Nami smiled, “I think a year of service should just about make us even. Including interest, of course.”
And so Sanji showed Luffy down to the kitchen, where he was set to washing the mountain of golden plates and cutlery from the feast, scouring out the great golden cauldrons, and cleaning out the golden fireplace with a little golden shovel. Sanji disappeared upstairs for a little while, then returned to brood at the heavy golden worktable and smoke cigarettes.
“Soooo,” Luffy said, scraping several golden florets of broccoli into a golden pail full of what looked like golden mushrooms and golden pork chops. “What’s with all the gold?”
Sanji glared at him for a minute, then jabbed a lit cigarette in his direction.
“Rule number one,” Sanji said, “Is do whatever Nami-san says. Rule number two is to do whatever I say. Rule number three is don’t ever, ever try to touch Nami-san.”
He paused a moment, then teared up, “Oh! Nami-swan is cursed and it’s all my fault!”
Luffy wandered over and patted him awkwardly on the back, getting soap suds on his vest.
“Hey, hey,” Luffy said, “Why can’t you just break the curse and be done with it?”
“She won’t let me! Nami-swaaan!”
Eventually, he calmed down, lit another cigarette and began his story:
“Look, in addition to being ravishingly handsome and an amazing chef, I’m also a Genie.”
“Ah, that explains the pants, then,” Luffy said, nodding sagely.
Sanji flushed slightly, plucked briefly at one sequined ankle band, and continued. “Whatever. Anyway, Nami-san rubbed my lamp, so I had to give her three wishes - though three could never be enough for such beauty as hers! First she wished to become a Queen, so I magicked up a castle and court and a whole kingdom of peasants for her to tax. But that wasn’t enough for her, - she’s so adorable when she’s hard to satisfy! - and her second wish was that everything she touch turn to gold.
“I tried to reason with her - maybe make it everything she touches on Wednesdays or something, but it was no use. So now the castle and all the servants have been turned to gold, and my poor dove hasn’t eaten in weeks. Even my special Love Parfait turns to gold the second it touches her luscious lips. She’s got one wish left, but she just won’t use it… Oh, Nami-swan!” And Sanji dissolved back into distressingly heart-shaped tears.
“Well, I’ll try and talk to her tomorrow,” Luffy decided. How long could a person really go without wanting to eat, anyway?
After an uncomfortable night on a golden pallet in the servant’s quarters, Luffy bounced upstairs bright and early and requested an audience with the Queen. After signing a solid gold contract which required him to pay several thousand berries, he was admitted to the golden throne room.
“Hey,” Luffy said, and “Oh!” He bowed clumsily while Sanji glared at him from his position behind the throne. “Your highness, aren’t you hungry?”
Queen Nami looked at him a moment, then laughed, her voice ringing from the golden ceiling beams.
“Sanji-kun,” she said gently, turning to the Genie, “Stop getting every guest that comes by to nag me. Am I a child?”
“No, Your Highness,” Sanji said, looking at the floor.
“And you! Are we charging you room and board? Sanji, have you been feeding him?”
“With the amount he eats, it’ll take him another year to pay his debt,” Sanji muttered.
Queen Nami smiled.
That night, Sanji and Luffy again sat in the kitchen, scrubbing golden plates.
“There’s gotta be something you can do,” Luffy said.
“Maybe,” Sanji sighed, “If someone else could get my lamp. But she keeps it locked up in her own chambers, and if you try to violate her most sacred inner sanctum, I’ll have to kill you.”
One morning not too long after that, as Sanji was wheeling the Queen around the garden in her solid gold push chair, and Luffy was huffing along behind with a solid gold picnic basket full of Champaign and finger sandwiches, they came upon a solitary gold coin sitting on the path. The Queen made as if to spring upon it, but was so weak from starvation that she struggled to rise from her chair. Luffy bent down and picked it up.
“Give me that,” Queen Nami snapped.
“How about,” Luffy grinned, “We make a bet.”
Sanji glared at him menacingly, but the Queen’s eyes lit up.
“What are your terms?” she asked.
“One flip of this coin. If I win, you have to give me one thing from the trophy room. If you win, I’ll give you these.”
“Why would I want some cheap silver balls?” Queen Nami scoffed.
But Luffy told her how they summoned the all-powerful King of Warlocks and she quickly agreed.
The coin flipped end over end, high into the air, then came glittering down.
“Tails,” Queen Nami called.
It was heads.
Queen Nami was only slightly bitter as she unlocked the trophy room. She hadn’t lost much after all - she still had Luffy contracted to work for two years, and there was nothing in the trophy room but a whole lot of gold. It wasn’t like she couldn’t make more. She bit her lip.
“I’ll take this!” Luffy declared, plucking a curly-handled oil lamp from atop a solid gold chest. He rubbed it vigorously.
“How could I have betrayed my Nami-swan?!” Sanji wailed, “Your Highness, will you ever forgive me?”
“If you undo my wishes, Sanji will kill you!” Nami screeched.
“For my first wish, I want a bag that’s always full of meat!”
That stopped them cold. Luffy took a large drumstick out of his bag and bit into it.
“You asshole!” Sanji growled. “You promised-“
“M’ neft wif if vat,” he swallowed, “Nami could eat gold!”
Sanji clapped a hand over his face. Nami blinked rapidly, then sniffed at the gold coin still clutched in her hand. Tentatively, she took a small nibble of one edge. Then, she crammed the whole thing in her mouth.
“Not bad,” she said, licking her fingers.
“Your Highness!” Sanji cried, trying not to drool too obviously, “Allow me to create for you a special Love Dish! Gold nuggets in a delicate white wine sauce, perhaps?”
Luffy laughed. “You guys are funny! I wish we could be together all the time!”
Slowly, two sets of eyes turned on him, aghast.
And so it happened that when Luffy decided to leave the golden castle a few days later, Queen Nami and Sanji the Genie were forced to accompany him.
Chapter 3: Lucky Luffy at the Hedge of Thorns
“Hooo, this hedge is huuuuge!” Lucky Luffy said, after a full day and a half found him and his two companions, the cursed Queen Nami and the Genie Sanji still trudging along the foot of a vast wall of thorns. The thorns were too sharp and thick to push through, too tall to climb over, and, as they were finding out, too wide to walk around.
“It’s worse than that,” Queen Nami sighed, checking the angle of the sun, “We’re still going due west, after all this time.”
“Oh, Nami-swan!! So ravishingly intelligent! So beautifully self-reliant!” Sanji sang from beneath the enormous pack of supplies strapped to his back. “Would you like to stop and have a special Love Snack?”
“Sure!” Luffy said. He threw himself to the ground, pulled a whole ham from his magical bag of meat and bit into it.
Nami frowned to herself, stripped off one cloth-of-gold glove and prodded the hedge again, turning one of the winding creepers to solid gold. The thicket was so dense that it didn’t even sag with the extra weight.
“We are getting nowhere,” she said decisively. “Luffy, use one of those magic balls to summon that warlock person. He could get us through the thorns.”
“Your Highness, if you wish it-“ Sanji started, in the midst of putting up Nami’s golden pavilion, but she gave him a withering look and he subsided.
“Luffy?” she asked sweetly.
Luffy shrugged, took one of the silver balls from his pocket and dropped it, chanting:
“Oh Greaf Fing ov Orlofs Ufopp, I neev oo!” three times around his ham.
From the sky, a great shrieking ensued, followed by crashing, cursing and cries of pain. Finally, the Warlock Usopp stumbled from the hedge and tugged his cape free of the prickers. He spent several minutes plucking large, ugly thorns from his backside before he noticed them.
“AHHH, what are you- oh! Oh,” he said, his voice dropping several keys, “Ah, yes, I was just um, collecting these thorns for alchemical purposes. Um. Who summoned the Great King of Warlocks Usopp-sama?”
“Hello there, Mr. Warlock,” Queen Nami said sweetly, bending forward slightly from the waist to emphasize the rather impressive endowments nearly spilling from her gold bodice. “We were just wondering if you could get us to the other side of this hedge.”
“I uh-- Ahem. Oh, um. Yes!“ Usopp squeaked shrinking from Sanji, who was suddenly glaring at him from a foot away, in between heart-shaped glances at Her Highness’s valley of paradise. “The Great King of Warlocks Usopp-sama can do anything! Why, once I saved a fair maiden from a raving dragon as large as a mountain! It’s claws were like Scimitars and its-“
“Today?” Nami said, “Oh Great King of Warlocks Usopp-sama?”
Some time later, Luffy wandered over, gnawing on his ham-bone.
“…As you can see, my great invention is one hundred percent guaranteed to get you over the wall of thorns. These bands are made with a specially enchanted cloth of my own formulation, and the seat is genuine leather, for comfort! No sweat for the Great and Wise Usopp-sama!” Usopp was explaining. “So, if you all would just stand right here, like so…”
“That,” Nami pointed out, “Is a giant slingshot, and I am not going anywhere near it.”
“Cooool!” Luffy exclaimed, “Usopp you really are the greatest warlock ever! Now we can go!”
“But of course!” Usopp declared, swirling his cape dramatically, “You can count on the Great-“
“Does this make it go?” Luffy asked, pulling at a long string tied to a curious contrivance of levers.
“Let me go right now!” Nami was screaming, beating Luffy’s back with her gloved fists.
“Unhand her highness, ruffian!!” Sanji shouted, leaping into the fray.
“Hey, wait-“ Usopp cried, panicking, but it was too late. The counterweight dropped and the four of them were catapulted far into the air, screaming.
From the air, the hedge of thorns seemed distinctly less like a wall, and really rather more like a sea. A very, very wide sea. It was quickly evident to Nami that they were not going to fly all the way across it.
“Luffyyyy!” she shrieked.
He laughed. “Don’t worry! It’ll all work out.”
And then they were crashing down through the briars.
“Hoo,” said Luffy, jumping up off the twitching Warlock, unhurt, “That was fun! But where are we now?”
They had landed in what seemed to be an old walled garden, with marble benches and fountains, and high marble walls all choked and crumbling under the masses of brambles. Vines grew so thick and matted above them that it was dark as twilight.
“Looks like an old palace,” Nami said, quickly forgetting the slingshot ordeal, and letting go of Usopp’s collar, “Maybe there’ll be treasure!”
“But what if there’s g-g-g-ghosts?” Usopp panted, clutching his cloak about his shoulders and edging away from Nami. Suddenly, great and ominous rumbling filled the air. “Eeek!”
Luffy was off at once, looking for the source of that frightening noise, whooping happily all the while. And after Sanji had suitably threatened the Warlock for getting too close to Her Highness, they all came trooping after.
Soon they came upon a ruined hall, where upon a bed of brambles, a man was sleeping, snoring so loudly it echoed down all the corridors. He had hair as green as leaves, shoulders broad as an ox and three fine old swords lying at his side.
“How interesting!” Luffy cried, poking at his face. “What’s he doing here? That bed doesn’t look very comfortable.”
“Hey, cut that out,” Usopp hissed, clinging to Luffy’s elbow, “He’s clearly some kind of bramble demon. Look at his hair!”
But as much as Luffy yelled and prodded the man, he wouldn’t wake, until finally Luffy said, “Well, he must be under some kind of mystery spell. Usopp you’re-”
“Oh, no. I’m not going near him. Why don’t you try kissing him? That’s usually how these things work,” the Great Warlock King Usopp-sama suggested from his hiding place behind Sanji; he’d been kicked into a wall some time ago for trying to hide behind Nami-swan.
Luffy shrugged, leaned over and planted a loud, sloppy kiss on the sleeping swordsman’s lips. His fearsome brow wrinkled briefly, then smoothed. They waited for a long moment.
“Uh,” Usopp suggested, “Perhaps, if a beautiful princess were to…”
“Think again, asshole!” Sanji said, hitting him with a surprise knee to the side.
“Besides, Nami would just turn him to gold,” Luffy pointed out, as Usopp tumbled into the wall again. “Sanji, you try.”
“Are any of you going to wish him awake?” Sanji grated, lighting a cigarette. They looked at the swordsman, then at him. “Then there’s nothing I can do. My services are for beautiful women and lamp-rubbers only.”
“Well, then, we’ll just have to wait!” Luffy decided. He dropped onto the floor, cross-legged, one hand dipping into his enchanted meat bag.
“Oh, Sanji-kuuun,” Nami glowed, “Couldn’t you just try? For me?”
“Right away, Your Highness!”
The party held their breaths and Sanji approached the still form of the swordsman, leaning closer and closer. Sanji took a deep breath.
“Wake the fuck up, cabbage-brains!” he yelled, and kicked the man in the head so hard he rolled from his bower.
Suddenly, one callused, beefy hand shot up and clutched the closest sword.
“You wanna fight, pretty boy?” the swordsman said, exploding to his feet.
“It wasn’t for your sake, you oaf,” Sanji said, nonchalantly blocking the swordsman’s lunge with the heel of his shoe, and blowing smoke into his face.
Luffy clapped the swordsman on the back, laughing, and waved a sizzling skewer of beef at him. “Hi, I’m Luffy! Want some meat?”
“I… sure,” the man said, blinking. He looked around. “Where the hell am I, anyway?”
Through a long-winded and rambling story, The Great Warlock King disclosed that the sea of thorns was a kingdom once known throughout the land for its grand martial arts tournament, which had succumbed to poverty and poor gardening some 50 years ago. And so the fearsome swordsman Zoro was delivered from the exceedingly long nap he’d inadvertently taken after winning said tournament, and, having no where else to go, decided to travel with Luffy and his friends to see the wide world of the future. His swords proved wonderfully effective at slicing through the thorns, and soon they were all on their way again, though, Usopp noted as he flew off in the form of a woodpecker, the path Zoro was cutting for them was by no means straight or direct.
Chapter 4: Lucky Luffy and the Princess Who Never Laughed
And so, Lucky Luffy and his friends traveled together until they reached a kingdom whose people made their homes in the trunks of immense trees. Now, this particular kingdom had long been a place of pilgrimage for all the funniest comedians, jesters and clowns in the land. This was because the princess of this kingdom had never laughed, and indeed never even smiled in her entire life. She had been cursed from birth by a certain very powerful and malevolent wizard, whom the king and queen had neglected to invite to their wedding, and if she wasn’t made to laugh by her 28th birthday, she was fated to die. Of course, it had originally been her 18th birthday, as is traditional, but the king had won an extension of the curse by sending the poor girl’s mother to live with the wizard until the enchantment was broken. This, it should be noted, did nothing to improve his daughter’s humors. The traditional reward of half the kingdom and the princess’s hand in marriage had by then gone unclaimed for twenty seven years and eleven months, and the populace was beginning to despair.
Upon hearing this story, Luffy immediately and adamantly decided that they would be the ones to help the unfortunate princess. After all, he reasoned, his companions made him laugh all the time, and who could possibly be sad with a delicious steak or two inside them?
They had to wait almost a week for an audience. One by one the circuses and comedy duos lined up before them were sent home, until the day arrived, and they were shown into the great, wooden hall. The princess Robin had hair like a fall of ebony, and sad, dark eyes that chilled one to the bone. Only Luffy seemed unaffected by the gloom of the hall, and he was the only one still cheerful by the time the princess had sampled Sanji’s most delectable bon-bons and watched a demonstration of Zoro’s swordsmanship which degenerated into an all-out brawl with the genie, Nami murmuring sarcastic commentary to her all the while.
In desperation, they finally summoned Usopp, who accidentally flew into a window, got tangled in his cape several times, failed horribly at several magic tricks, told as many jokes as he could think of and finished up with an hour-long, wildly-embellished rendition of their adventure in the thorn sea, in which the Great King of Warlocks, Usopp-sama, saved the blushing maiden Nami and vanquished a horrible three-headed demon. Princess Robin didn’t even laugh when another fight broke out over the veracity of the story, though Luffy thought the whole thing was terrifically funny.
After being escorted firmly from the castle, Luffy paced restlessly, deep in thought.
“I can’t believe she didn’t even laugh at the pie. The pie is classic!” Usopp complained, picking a bit of whipped cream from his hair.
“The pie was a horrifying waste of good food,” Sanji growled, “You’re just lucky there were ladies present.”
“There’s gotta be a way,” Luffy said. “Hey, Nami, you’re a princess.”
“Queen,” Sanji corrected.
“Right. So, what makes you smile?”
Nami didn’t even have to think: “Finding treasure.”
“That’s it! We’ll help Robin find the most fantastic treasure around. That’ll cheer her up for sure!”
Usopp knew of only one treasure close enough to find before the curse ran out, a beautiful golden deer who was supposed to live in the snowy mountains nearby. Though many tried to catch it, none ever could, for it was like a ghost. But try as they might, they weren’t allowed another audience with the Princess to propose the trip to her. Time was growing short, so they eventually just decided to kidnap her and get on with things.
Usopp would later entitle his account of their abduction of the Princess Robin “The Great King of Warlocks Usopp-sama v. The Impregnable Demon Fortress of Doom.” In reality, however, security was surprisingly lax, and the Princess, upon hearing their hasty explanations, ceased all struggles and allowed herself to be carried from the palace without protest.
So Lucky Luffy and the Warlock Usopp, Queen Nami of the golden touch and her Genie Sanji, the somnolent swordsman Zoro and the kidnapped Princess Robin all traveled together into the snow-draped mountains of the north. And, though Princess Robin seemed more lively and interested in the journey than she had been in her father’s court, she still wouldn’t laugh or smile or rub Sanji’s lamp despite his repeated entreaties.
The mountains were terrifyingly steep, and very cold; the paths were treacherous with ice and the forbidding slopes constantly threatened avalanche. But Luffy’s luck and Zoro’s swords, Usopp’s alchemy, Nami’s smarts and Sanji’s extensive knowledge of edible wild plants ensured that they were never lost or hungry and found shelter every night. Finally, after three days and three nights, they reached a long cliff, overlooking a deep valley roiling with strange fog. The wind there was warm against their faces and smelled of green growing things.
“Ha, ha! Just as I predicted, the mysterious Golden Deer lives in an enchanted valley that winter cannot touch!” the Great King of Warlocks, Usopp-sama declared, posing on a convenient ledge.
“You’re the best warlock ever, Usopp!” Luffy proclaimed, clapping him on the shoulder so hard the packed snow under his foot crumbled, and he lost his balance, flailing dramatically. Clutching at Luffy didn’t help matters and before any of the others could do anything, Luffy and the Warlock tumbled over the edge of the cliff. Due to the magic of Luffy’s third wish, Sanji and Nami were immediately dragged over after them, cursing all the way down.
Zoro looked at Robin. Robin looked at Zoro. They shrugged.
Far below the raging winter winds and the silvery mist, Luffy and the King of Warlocks tumbled to a halt in a verdant glade of flowers. Beautiful, lush trees arched above them, whispering in a warm breeze, and, nearby, a crystalline stream could be heard chuckling over its rocky bed.
“Cooooool,” Luffy exclaimed, helping the Warlock up, “That Golden Deer has definitely gotta be around here somewhere. Hey, maybe over there!”
“Hey, hey!” Usopp cried, stumbling in Luffy’s wake, “What if there are malevolent fairies or- Luffy, wait!”
Following the little stream brought them to a beautiful spring, diamond-clear but so deep one could not see its bottom. Luffy immediately decided on a picnic and began rummaging around in his enchanted bag.
“Veal or chicken?” he asked Usopp, when there was a rustle in the undergrowth.
“Shhhh!” Usopp hissed, dragging Luffy into a convenient bush.
As they watched, hidden, a shining animal stepped forth from the trees, sniffing cautiously at the air. It looked all around, light glinting from its many-pronged horns, and glistening along its golden flanks. It raised a cloven hoof to its forehead.
“It’s the Golden Deer!” Luffy bounced excitedly, “What’s it doing?”
As they watched, the Golden Deer stripped off its golden coat, transforming into a… well, a little brown deer that happened to walk on its hind legs like a man. The Deer hung its magnificent golden fur on a tree branch and set about gathering herbs in its little hoof-hands, humming cheerfully to itself.
“Now’s our chance!” Luffy hissed, and before Usopp could get out more than half a protest, Luffy had leaped from the bush and seized hold of the Golden Pelt.
“Now we can get Robin to smile!” he cried, hugging it to his chest.
“HUMANS!” shrieked the little Deer, and scurried off to hide behind a tree.
“Luffy!” Usopp scolded, “Put that down so we can go get Robin and help her find it herself!”
“Oh, yeah!” Luffy said amicably. But try as he might, Luffy couldn’t let go of the golden fur. “I… I can’t!”
“What do you mean you can’t?”
Usopp emerged from the bush and tried to tug the pelt from Luffy’s hands, but soon discovered that he too was stuck fast. No matter how they pulled, twisted, and strained their fingers seemed glued to the glossy gold fur.
“Usopp, do something!” Luffy wailed startling all the birds from the nearby trees. “How will I eat all my meat?”
“What am I supposed to do? I can’t warlock without my hands.”
“Serves you right for trying to steal what’s mine, humans!” the little Deer jeered at them, then squeaked and retreated back behind his tree when they looked at him.
“Ok, ok, stay calm,” Usopp said, “I’m the Great King of Warlocks, Usopp-sama, and I can think of a way out of this. Hmmmm.” Usopp furrowed his wise brow. “Ah ha! Sanji can get us out of here with a wish!”
“Yes!” Luffy cried. He took off back into the woods full tilt, dragging Usopp along behind, and barreled right into Sanji himself, who was limping up with Nami-san. The pair looked much the worse for wear after having been magically dragged over a cliff and through the woods. Sanji caught Luffy by the shoulders and shook him until his teeth rattled.
“The things you put my Nami-swan through,” he said, threateningly, then noticed Luffy’s wobbly puppy dog eyes, and the close proximity of Usopp’s panicky blathering. “Shit. What now?”
“Sanjiii, fix it,” Luffy said dizzily.
The Genie tried to drop Luffy’s shoulders in disgust and light a cigarette, but found his palms stuck fast. “Hey, let me go! You bastard, what did you do?”
“The Golden Deer’s magical gold coat was cursed!” Usopp explained, not too hysterically considering the circumstances. “We have to undo it with a wish!”
“Oh, no, don’t look at me,” Nami said, crossing her arms. “Get someone else to rub your lamp. That last wish is mine.”
“MY HAAAANDS!”
If the feathered inhabitants of that mysterious forest thought Luffy’s meat-themed wailing was mournful, they were most likely leaking a few tears themselves at the heartbrokenness of Sanji’s cry. In the next clearing over, the Princess Robin was smiling at a soft and cuddly little deer-child, who was sobbing the story of his pelt’s theft against her knees, between asides about the medicinal properties of the various flowers and roots growing at her skirts. At Sanji’s scream, they too looked around, wondering what could possibly be so heartbreaking about some human’s appendages.
“We can get Zoro to do it!” Luffy said, suddenly cheering up.
“Oh, no, that shitty cabbage-head is not touching my lamp.”
“If you never want to use your hands again...” Nami sighed.
“What did you just call me, wonderbrow?” Zoro menaced, wandering out of the trees.
He stopped short and took a better look at the goings on in the clearing, then drew back a step, clearly alarmed.
“You guys, uh, need some time alone, there?” he asked.
“What are you implying, asshole?” Sanji lashed out at him with a kick acrobatic enough to make a sea cucumber blush. Zoro blocked it with one rock-hard forearm…
…and found himself stuck fast.
“Shit!” Sanji cursed, somehow balancing with perfect poise though he was now twisted and stretched awkwardly across the clearing.
“What the hell? What’s going on?” Zoro asked, tugging nearly hard enough to drag Sanji over.
“We need you to rub Sanji’s lamp,” Luffy explained.
Zoro looked at him, then up the length of Sanji’s leg, then blushed to the roots of his mossy hair.
“Nami-swaaan,” Sanji cried, “You won’t think less of me if all these strange men touch my lamp against my will... will you?”
Her lips pressed into a tight, white line, Nami shook her head.
“I’m not touching anything,” Zoro said, drawing a sword with his free hand and looking mildly panicked.
“Don’t make me kill you,” Sanji screeched, bracing against Zoro’s forearm and kicking the sword out of his hand.
The heap they consequently wound up in was uncomfortable to say the least. In the resulting moaning, wailing, shouting and general mayhem, they nearly missed the soft, throaty chuckle that drifted through the clearing. It was a beautiful laugh, deep and musical.
“Luffy, you jerk, this is all your stupid fault,” Sanji was yelling when a soft snore issued from somewhere from between his legs.
“Don’t sleep, asshole!” he growled. Squeezing his thighs together was the only available form of violence to inflict on the idiot, so he did.
Princess Robin laughed harder, chuckling until she was clutching her stomach, face half hidden behind her hand. Nami, then Luffy joined in as Usopp sputtered indignantly, Zoro napped and Sanji quivered with rage.
Abruptly, a fuzzy little brown form darted out from behind Robin and snatched the troublemaking golden fur away. The enchantment broken, Luffy and his companions sprawled in a heap. Luffy was on top, and laughing so hard he couldn’t get up. Beneath him, muttering gave way to muffled giggles, and eventually the entire misty valley was ringing with mirth. The angst-weary birds welcomed the change of pace.
And so the Princess Robin finally laughed, lifting her curse forever. She kissed the cuddly Golden Deer between giggles, breaking his curse as well -- of course, he did remain a thoroughly embarrassed and not at all pleased magical, transforming reindeer, but he could at least leave the valley. With Luffy and his companions and the miraculous Golden Deer at her side, Princess Robin returned home, where she was reunited with her mother and her companions richly rewarded.
Now, some stories say that they all settled down in that kingdom, and lived in peace and merriment together all their days. But some other stories say that Lucky Luffy and his band of friends went on to travel the land far and wide, and had many more adventures. That’s the ending I like best, don’t you?
Inspiration for this came from approximately a million hours of reading through D. L. Ashliman's archive of folktales.
Special thanks to angstymcgoth for betaing.
Worksafe, if somewhat riddled with innuendo.
The Travels of Lucky Luffy
~or: luck is what you make of it~
Chapter 1: Lucky Luffy and the Warlock
Once, in a land not so far from here, though not so close that one could actually get there, there was a young man named Luffy who was rather dim but exceedingly lucky. In fact he was so lucky that, though he made his way in the world by wandering, with nothing but the clothes on his back and the wide straw hat on his head, he never found himself wanting for anything.
One morning, he was walking through a thick wood, wishing for a haunch of venison or a juicy ham to munch on, when he came upon a little woodpecker fluttering in a snare. Thinking a light snack was better than nothing, Luffy was just about to eat the poor creature when it suddenly spoke with a human voice.
“Stop!” it said, “Don’t eat me! Let me out of this snare, for I am a fearsome warlock with eight thousand demons at my command, and I could curse you for the rest of your days!”
“Oh-ho-ho!” Luffy laughed, “You surprised me!” But he let the woodpecker go, because talking woodpeckers are too cool to eat.
The woodpecker fluttered to the ground and turned into a young man wearing a strange mask. His nose was long and thin like a woodpecker’s bill.
The warlock drew himself up with dignity, gathering his cloak about his shoulders.
“To thank you for freeing me,” he said, “Take these three silver balls. Any time you need help, cast one to the ground and call my name three times: Great King of Warlocks, Usopp-sama!”
So saying, he disappeared in a swirl of smoke and cackling. Luffy thought for a moment, dropped two balls into his pocket, and threw the third one to the ground, yelling:
“Great King of Warlocks, Usopp-sama, come help me!” three times.
Smoke swirled up from the ground, and Usopp stepped out from behind a tree into the cloud, arms crossed.
“Hey!” he said, “You know I’m not going to give you any more of those, if you’re going to go around wasting them.”
“But, it’s important,” Luffy pouted, “I’m really, really, REALLY hungry. Where can I find some meat?”
Usopp stared at him slack-jawed a moment, then stroked his chin dramatically.
“Yes, well, no job is too big or too small for the wise and ravishingly handsome Usopp-sama. Half a day’s walk north of here, you’ll come to a great castle known far and wide for its amazing cuisine. But the queen who rules there is known for being very devious, so you should- Hey!”
“Thanks!” Luffy called, already some ways down the path and disappearing quickly, “Yippee, meat!!”
The Great King of Warlocks Usopp-sama ran a hand over his face, then disappeared in a puff of smoke, muttering.
Chapter 2: Lucky Luffy at the Golden Palace
By sunset, Lucky Luffy had arrived at a huge castle, which glimmered in the last rays of the sun as if gilded from cornerstone to turret. The drawbridge was up, which was odd because it didn’t seem to have a moat, and odder still because it appeared to be gilded too. Luffy didn’t care, though, because the most delicious smells of garlic and spices and roasting meat were floating all around.
“Helloooo!” Luffy called, knocking on the gate, “Do you have anything to eat here?”
No one answered, though Luffy waited for a long time, and finally he walked around the castle until he found a smaller gate, which was standing ajar.
In the dark courtyard, the scents of delicious food were even stronger, and Luffy floated across the slick pavers, his mouth watering, threw open a large and very heavy door, and stepped into a great hall.
The hall was lit with a thousand candles, which glimmered everywhere on golden columns. There were golden tapestries, gold suits of armor standing at attention, and the walls were hung with golden swords and shields. Luffy didn’t notice any of this, however, because the long gold table was lavishly stacked with roasts and soups, bread and fruit, puddings, cheeses and crispy stuffed fowl. Luffy laid into the feast, and didn’t pause in stuffing his face until he’d eaten up every last scrap. Only then did he look up and notice there were two people in the hall. One was a beautiful woman with flaming red hair, seated on a golden throne at the head of the table. She was lavishly dressed in gold robes and a gold crown. The other was an extremely irate blond man who had been kicking Luffy out of his seat repeatedly for the last quarter hour.
“Hooo, vat waf good. Wutfup?” he asked them around the very last mouthful of pie.
The woman smiled poisonously and said, “That’s quite enough, Sanji-kun.”
“But, Nami-swa-er, Your Highness!” the blond protested.
“Sanji-kun? Don’t interrupt me when I’m speaking to a guest?”
“Yes, Your Highness!!”
“That,” said the Queen of the castle, for this was she, “Was a very large, very expensive meal. Somewhere, I’d say, around, oh… ten million berries?”
“Well, I don’t have ten million berries,” Luffy smiled, “So you’ll just have to let me go.”
“I don’t think so, asshole,” Sanji-kun said, grabbing him by the collar, “No one swindles the beautiful and impeccably fair-minded Queen Nami-san. Right, Your Highness?”
“Just so,” Queen Nami smiled, “I think a year of service should just about make us even. Including interest, of course.”
And so Sanji showed Luffy down to the kitchen, where he was set to washing the mountain of golden plates and cutlery from the feast, scouring out the great golden cauldrons, and cleaning out the golden fireplace with a little golden shovel. Sanji disappeared upstairs for a little while, then returned to brood at the heavy golden worktable and smoke cigarettes.
“Soooo,” Luffy said, scraping several golden florets of broccoli into a golden pail full of what looked like golden mushrooms and golden pork chops. “What’s with all the gold?”
Sanji glared at him for a minute, then jabbed a lit cigarette in his direction.
“Rule number one,” Sanji said, “Is do whatever Nami-san says. Rule number two is to do whatever I say. Rule number three is don’t ever, ever try to touch Nami-san.”
He paused a moment, then teared up, “Oh! Nami-swan is cursed and it’s all my fault!”
Luffy wandered over and patted him awkwardly on the back, getting soap suds on his vest.
“Hey, hey,” Luffy said, “Why can’t you just break the curse and be done with it?”
“She won’t let me! Nami-swaaan!”
Eventually, he calmed down, lit another cigarette and began his story:
“Look, in addition to being ravishingly handsome and an amazing chef, I’m also a Genie.”
“Ah, that explains the pants, then,” Luffy said, nodding sagely.
Sanji flushed slightly, plucked briefly at one sequined ankle band, and continued. “Whatever. Anyway, Nami-san rubbed my lamp, so I had to give her three wishes - though three could never be enough for such beauty as hers! First she wished to become a Queen, so I magicked up a castle and court and a whole kingdom of peasants for her to tax. But that wasn’t enough for her, - she’s so adorable when she’s hard to satisfy! - and her second wish was that everything she touch turn to gold.
“I tried to reason with her - maybe make it everything she touches on Wednesdays or something, but it was no use. So now the castle and all the servants have been turned to gold, and my poor dove hasn’t eaten in weeks. Even my special Love Parfait turns to gold the second it touches her luscious lips. She’s got one wish left, but she just won’t use it… Oh, Nami-swan!” And Sanji dissolved back into distressingly heart-shaped tears.
“Well, I’ll try and talk to her tomorrow,” Luffy decided. How long could a person really go without wanting to eat, anyway?
After an uncomfortable night on a golden pallet in the servant’s quarters, Luffy bounced upstairs bright and early and requested an audience with the Queen. After signing a solid gold contract which required him to pay several thousand berries, he was admitted to the golden throne room.
“Hey,” Luffy said, and “Oh!” He bowed clumsily while Sanji glared at him from his position behind the throne. “Your highness, aren’t you hungry?”
Queen Nami looked at him a moment, then laughed, her voice ringing from the golden ceiling beams.
“Sanji-kun,” she said gently, turning to the Genie, “Stop getting every guest that comes by to nag me. Am I a child?”
“No, Your Highness,” Sanji said, looking at the floor.
“And you! Are we charging you room and board? Sanji, have you been feeding him?”
“With the amount he eats, it’ll take him another year to pay his debt,” Sanji muttered.
Queen Nami smiled.
That night, Sanji and Luffy again sat in the kitchen, scrubbing golden plates.
“There’s gotta be something you can do,” Luffy said.
“Maybe,” Sanji sighed, “If someone else could get my lamp. But she keeps it locked up in her own chambers, and if you try to violate her most sacred inner sanctum, I’ll have to kill you.”
One morning not too long after that, as Sanji was wheeling the Queen around the garden in her solid gold push chair, and Luffy was huffing along behind with a solid gold picnic basket full of Champaign and finger sandwiches, they came upon a solitary gold coin sitting on the path. The Queen made as if to spring upon it, but was so weak from starvation that she struggled to rise from her chair. Luffy bent down and picked it up.
“Give me that,” Queen Nami snapped.
“How about,” Luffy grinned, “We make a bet.”
Sanji glared at him menacingly, but the Queen’s eyes lit up.
“What are your terms?” she asked.
“One flip of this coin. If I win, you have to give me one thing from the trophy room. If you win, I’ll give you these.”
“Why would I want some cheap silver balls?” Queen Nami scoffed.
But Luffy told her how they summoned the all-powerful King of Warlocks and she quickly agreed.
The coin flipped end over end, high into the air, then came glittering down.
“Tails,” Queen Nami called.
It was heads.
Queen Nami was only slightly bitter as she unlocked the trophy room. She hadn’t lost much after all - she still had Luffy contracted to work for two years, and there was nothing in the trophy room but a whole lot of gold. It wasn’t like she couldn’t make more. She bit her lip.
“I’ll take this!” Luffy declared, plucking a curly-handled oil lamp from atop a solid gold chest. He rubbed it vigorously.
“How could I have betrayed my Nami-swan?!” Sanji wailed, “Your Highness, will you ever forgive me?”
“If you undo my wishes, Sanji will kill you!” Nami screeched.
“For my first wish, I want a bag that’s always full of meat!”
That stopped them cold. Luffy took a large drumstick out of his bag and bit into it.
“You asshole!” Sanji growled. “You promised-“
“M’ neft wif if vat,” he swallowed, “Nami could eat gold!”
Sanji clapped a hand over his face. Nami blinked rapidly, then sniffed at the gold coin still clutched in her hand. Tentatively, she took a small nibble of one edge. Then, she crammed the whole thing in her mouth.
“Not bad,” she said, licking her fingers.
“Your Highness!” Sanji cried, trying not to drool too obviously, “Allow me to create for you a special Love Dish! Gold nuggets in a delicate white wine sauce, perhaps?”
Luffy laughed. “You guys are funny! I wish we could be together all the time!”
Slowly, two sets of eyes turned on him, aghast.
And so it happened that when Luffy decided to leave the golden castle a few days later, Queen Nami and Sanji the Genie were forced to accompany him.
Chapter 3: Lucky Luffy at the Hedge of Thorns
“Hooo, this hedge is huuuuge!” Lucky Luffy said, after a full day and a half found him and his two companions, the cursed Queen Nami and the Genie Sanji still trudging along the foot of a vast wall of thorns. The thorns were too sharp and thick to push through, too tall to climb over, and, as they were finding out, too wide to walk around.
“It’s worse than that,” Queen Nami sighed, checking the angle of the sun, “We’re still going due west, after all this time.”
“Oh, Nami-swan!! So ravishingly intelligent! So beautifully self-reliant!” Sanji sang from beneath the enormous pack of supplies strapped to his back. “Would you like to stop and have a special Love Snack?”
“Sure!” Luffy said. He threw himself to the ground, pulled a whole ham from his magical bag of meat and bit into it.
Nami frowned to herself, stripped off one cloth-of-gold glove and prodded the hedge again, turning one of the winding creepers to solid gold. The thicket was so dense that it didn’t even sag with the extra weight.
“We are getting nowhere,” she said decisively. “Luffy, use one of those magic balls to summon that warlock person. He could get us through the thorns.”
“Your Highness, if you wish it-“ Sanji started, in the midst of putting up Nami’s golden pavilion, but she gave him a withering look and he subsided.
“Luffy?” she asked sweetly.
Luffy shrugged, took one of the silver balls from his pocket and dropped it, chanting:
“Oh Greaf Fing ov Orlofs Ufopp, I neev oo!” three times around his ham.
From the sky, a great shrieking ensued, followed by crashing, cursing and cries of pain. Finally, the Warlock Usopp stumbled from the hedge and tugged his cape free of the prickers. He spent several minutes plucking large, ugly thorns from his backside before he noticed them.
“AHHH, what are you- oh! Oh,” he said, his voice dropping several keys, “Ah, yes, I was just um, collecting these thorns for alchemical purposes. Um. Who summoned the Great King of Warlocks Usopp-sama?”
“Hello there, Mr. Warlock,” Queen Nami said sweetly, bending forward slightly from the waist to emphasize the rather impressive endowments nearly spilling from her gold bodice. “We were just wondering if you could get us to the other side of this hedge.”
“I uh-- Ahem. Oh, um. Yes!“ Usopp squeaked shrinking from Sanji, who was suddenly glaring at him from a foot away, in between heart-shaped glances at Her Highness’s valley of paradise. “The Great King of Warlocks Usopp-sama can do anything! Why, once I saved a fair maiden from a raving dragon as large as a mountain! It’s claws were like Scimitars and its-“
“Today?” Nami said, “Oh Great King of Warlocks Usopp-sama?”
Some time later, Luffy wandered over, gnawing on his ham-bone.
“…As you can see, my great invention is one hundred percent guaranteed to get you over the wall of thorns. These bands are made with a specially enchanted cloth of my own formulation, and the seat is genuine leather, for comfort! No sweat for the Great and Wise Usopp-sama!” Usopp was explaining. “So, if you all would just stand right here, like so…”
“That,” Nami pointed out, “Is a giant slingshot, and I am not going anywhere near it.”
“Cooool!” Luffy exclaimed, “Usopp you really are the greatest warlock ever! Now we can go!”
“But of course!” Usopp declared, swirling his cape dramatically, “You can count on the Great-“
“Does this make it go?” Luffy asked, pulling at a long string tied to a curious contrivance of levers.
“Let me go right now!” Nami was screaming, beating Luffy’s back with her gloved fists.
“Unhand her highness, ruffian!!” Sanji shouted, leaping into the fray.
“Hey, wait-“ Usopp cried, panicking, but it was too late. The counterweight dropped and the four of them were catapulted far into the air, screaming.
From the air, the hedge of thorns seemed distinctly less like a wall, and really rather more like a sea. A very, very wide sea. It was quickly evident to Nami that they were not going to fly all the way across it.
“Luffyyyy!” she shrieked.
He laughed. “Don’t worry! It’ll all work out.”
And then they were crashing down through the briars.
“Hoo,” said Luffy, jumping up off the twitching Warlock, unhurt, “That was fun! But where are we now?”
They had landed in what seemed to be an old walled garden, with marble benches and fountains, and high marble walls all choked and crumbling under the masses of brambles. Vines grew so thick and matted above them that it was dark as twilight.
“Looks like an old palace,” Nami said, quickly forgetting the slingshot ordeal, and letting go of Usopp’s collar, “Maybe there’ll be treasure!”
“But what if there’s g-g-g-ghosts?” Usopp panted, clutching his cloak about his shoulders and edging away from Nami. Suddenly, great and ominous rumbling filled the air. “Eeek!”
Luffy was off at once, looking for the source of that frightening noise, whooping happily all the while. And after Sanji had suitably threatened the Warlock for getting too close to Her Highness, they all came trooping after.
Soon they came upon a ruined hall, where upon a bed of brambles, a man was sleeping, snoring so loudly it echoed down all the corridors. He had hair as green as leaves, shoulders broad as an ox and three fine old swords lying at his side.
“How interesting!” Luffy cried, poking at his face. “What’s he doing here? That bed doesn’t look very comfortable.”
“Hey, cut that out,” Usopp hissed, clinging to Luffy’s elbow, “He’s clearly some kind of bramble demon. Look at his hair!”
But as much as Luffy yelled and prodded the man, he wouldn’t wake, until finally Luffy said, “Well, he must be under some kind of mystery spell. Usopp you’re-”
“Oh, no. I’m not going near him. Why don’t you try kissing him? That’s usually how these things work,” the Great Warlock King Usopp-sama suggested from his hiding place behind Sanji; he’d been kicked into a wall some time ago for trying to hide behind Nami-swan.
Luffy shrugged, leaned over and planted a loud, sloppy kiss on the sleeping swordsman’s lips. His fearsome brow wrinkled briefly, then smoothed. They waited for a long moment.
“Uh,” Usopp suggested, “Perhaps, if a beautiful princess were to…”
“Think again, asshole!” Sanji said, hitting him with a surprise knee to the side.
“Besides, Nami would just turn him to gold,” Luffy pointed out, as Usopp tumbled into the wall again. “Sanji, you try.”
“Are any of you going to wish him awake?” Sanji grated, lighting a cigarette. They looked at the swordsman, then at him. “Then there’s nothing I can do. My services are for beautiful women and lamp-rubbers only.”
“Well, then, we’ll just have to wait!” Luffy decided. He dropped onto the floor, cross-legged, one hand dipping into his enchanted meat bag.
“Oh, Sanji-kuuun,” Nami glowed, “Couldn’t you just try? For me?”
“Right away, Your Highness!”
The party held their breaths and Sanji approached the still form of the swordsman, leaning closer and closer. Sanji took a deep breath.
“Wake the fuck up, cabbage-brains!” he yelled, and kicked the man in the head so hard he rolled from his bower.
Suddenly, one callused, beefy hand shot up and clutched the closest sword.
“You wanna fight, pretty boy?” the swordsman said, exploding to his feet.
“It wasn’t for your sake, you oaf,” Sanji said, nonchalantly blocking the swordsman’s lunge with the heel of his shoe, and blowing smoke into his face.
Luffy clapped the swordsman on the back, laughing, and waved a sizzling skewer of beef at him. “Hi, I’m Luffy! Want some meat?”
“I… sure,” the man said, blinking. He looked around. “Where the hell am I, anyway?”
Through a long-winded and rambling story, The Great Warlock King disclosed that the sea of thorns was a kingdom once known throughout the land for its grand martial arts tournament, which had succumbed to poverty and poor gardening some 50 years ago. And so the fearsome swordsman Zoro was delivered from the exceedingly long nap he’d inadvertently taken after winning said tournament, and, having no where else to go, decided to travel with Luffy and his friends to see the wide world of the future. His swords proved wonderfully effective at slicing through the thorns, and soon they were all on their way again, though, Usopp noted as he flew off in the form of a woodpecker, the path Zoro was cutting for them was by no means straight or direct.
Chapter 4: Lucky Luffy and the Princess Who Never Laughed
And so, Lucky Luffy and his friends traveled together until they reached a kingdom whose people made their homes in the trunks of immense trees. Now, this particular kingdom had long been a place of pilgrimage for all the funniest comedians, jesters and clowns in the land. This was because the princess of this kingdom had never laughed, and indeed never even smiled in her entire life. She had been cursed from birth by a certain very powerful and malevolent wizard, whom the king and queen had neglected to invite to their wedding, and if she wasn’t made to laugh by her 28th birthday, she was fated to die. Of course, it had originally been her 18th birthday, as is traditional, but the king had won an extension of the curse by sending the poor girl’s mother to live with the wizard until the enchantment was broken. This, it should be noted, did nothing to improve his daughter’s humors. The traditional reward of half the kingdom and the princess’s hand in marriage had by then gone unclaimed for twenty seven years and eleven months, and the populace was beginning to despair.
Upon hearing this story, Luffy immediately and adamantly decided that they would be the ones to help the unfortunate princess. After all, he reasoned, his companions made him laugh all the time, and who could possibly be sad with a delicious steak or two inside them?
They had to wait almost a week for an audience. One by one the circuses and comedy duos lined up before them were sent home, until the day arrived, and they were shown into the great, wooden hall. The princess Robin had hair like a fall of ebony, and sad, dark eyes that chilled one to the bone. Only Luffy seemed unaffected by the gloom of the hall, and he was the only one still cheerful by the time the princess had sampled Sanji’s most delectable bon-bons and watched a demonstration of Zoro’s swordsmanship which degenerated into an all-out brawl with the genie, Nami murmuring sarcastic commentary to her all the while.
In desperation, they finally summoned Usopp, who accidentally flew into a window, got tangled in his cape several times, failed horribly at several magic tricks, told as many jokes as he could think of and finished up with an hour-long, wildly-embellished rendition of their adventure in the thorn sea, in which the Great King of Warlocks, Usopp-sama, saved the blushing maiden Nami and vanquished a horrible three-headed demon. Princess Robin didn’t even laugh when another fight broke out over the veracity of the story, though Luffy thought the whole thing was terrifically funny.
After being escorted firmly from the castle, Luffy paced restlessly, deep in thought.
“I can’t believe she didn’t even laugh at the pie. The pie is classic!” Usopp complained, picking a bit of whipped cream from his hair.
“The pie was a horrifying waste of good food,” Sanji growled, “You’re just lucky there were ladies present.”
“There’s gotta be a way,” Luffy said. “Hey, Nami, you’re a princess.”
“Queen,” Sanji corrected.
“Right. So, what makes you smile?”
Nami didn’t even have to think: “Finding treasure.”
“That’s it! We’ll help Robin find the most fantastic treasure around. That’ll cheer her up for sure!”
Usopp knew of only one treasure close enough to find before the curse ran out, a beautiful golden deer who was supposed to live in the snowy mountains nearby. Though many tried to catch it, none ever could, for it was like a ghost. But try as they might, they weren’t allowed another audience with the Princess to propose the trip to her. Time was growing short, so they eventually just decided to kidnap her and get on with things.
Usopp would later entitle his account of their abduction of the Princess Robin “The Great King of Warlocks Usopp-sama v. The Impregnable Demon Fortress of Doom.” In reality, however, security was surprisingly lax, and the Princess, upon hearing their hasty explanations, ceased all struggles and allowed herself to be carried from the palace without protest.
So Lucky Luffy and the Warlock Usopp, Queen Nami of the golden touch and her Genie Sanji, the somnolent swordsman Zoro and the kidnapped Princess Robin all traveled together into the snow-draped mountains of the north. And, though Princess Robin seemed more lively and interested in the journey than she had been in her father’s court, she still wouldn’t laugh or smile or rub Sanji’s lamp despite his repeated entreaties.
The mountains were terrifyingly steep, and very cold; the paths were treacherous with ice and the forbidding slopes constantly threatened avalanche. But Luffy’s luck and Zoro’s swords, Usopp’s alchemy, Nami’s smarts and Sanji’s extensive knowledge of edible wild plants ensured that they were never lost or hungry and found shelter every night. Finally, after three days and three nights, they reached a long cliff, overlooking a deep valley roiling with strange fog. The wind there was warm against their faces and smelled of green growing things.
“Ha, ha! Just as I predicted, the mysterious Golden Deer lives in an enchanted valley that winter cannot touch!” the Great King of Warlocks, Usopp-sama declared, posing on a convenient ledge.
“You’re the best warlock ever, Usopp!” Luffy proclaimed, clapping him on the shoulder so hard the packed snow under his foot crumbled, and he lost his balance, flailing dramatically. Clutching at Luffy didn’t help matters and before any of the others could do anything, Luffy and the Warlock tumbled over the edge of the cliff. Due to the magic of Luffy’s third wish, Sanji and Nami were immediately dragged over after them, cursing all the way down.
Zoro looked at Robin. Robin looked at Zoro. They shrugged.
Far below the raging winter winds and the silvery mist, Luffy and the King of Warlocks tumbled to a halt in a verdant glade of flowers. Beautiful, lush trees arched above them, whispering in a warm breeze, and, nearby, a crystalline stream could be heard chuckling over its rocky bed.
“Cooooool,” Luffy exclaimed, helping the Warlock up, “That Golden Deer has definitely gotta be around here somewhere. Hey, maybe over there!”
“Hey, hey!” Usopp cried, stumbling in Luffy’s wake, “What if there are malevolent fairies or- Luffy, wait!”
Following the little stream brought them to a beautiful spring, diamond-clear but so deep one could not see its bottom. Luffy immediately decided on a picnic and began rummaging around in his enchanted bag.
“Veal or chicken?” he asked Usopp, when there was a rustle in the undergrowth.
“Shhhh!” Usopp hissed, dragging Luffy into a convenient bush.
As they watched, hidden, a shining animal stepped forth from the trees, sniffing cautiously at the air. It looked all around, light glinting from its many-pronged horns, and glistening along its golden flanks. It raised a cloven hoof to its forehead.
“It’s the Golden Deer!” Luffy bounced excitedly, “What’s it doing?”
As they watched, the Golden Deer stripped off its golden coat, transforming into a… well, a little brown deer that happened to walk on its hind legs like a man. The Deer hung its magnificent golden fur on a tree branch and set about gathering herbs in its little hoof-hands, humming cheerfully to itself.
“Now’s our chance!” Luffy hissed, and before Usopp could get out more than half a protest, Luffy had leaped from the bush and seized hold of the Golden Pelt.
“Now we can get Robin to smile!” he cried, hugging it to his chest.
“HUMANS!” shrieked the little Deer, and scurried off to hide behind a tree.
“Luffy!” Usopp scolded, “Put that down so we can go get Robin and help her find it herself!”
“Oh, yeah!” Luffy said amicably. But try as he might, Luffy couldn’t let go of the golden fur. “I… I can’t!”
“What do you mean you can’t?”
Usopp emerged from the bush and tried to tug the pelt from Luffy’s hands, but soon discovered that he too was stuck fast. No matter how they pulled, twisted, and strained their fingers seemed glued to the glossy gold fur.
“Usopp, do something!” Luffy wailed startling all the birds from the nearby trees. “How will I eat all my meat?”
“What am I supposed to do? I can’t warlock without my hands.”
“Serves you right for trying to steal what’s mine, humans!” the little Deer jeered at them, then squeaked and retreated back behind his tree when they looked at him.
“Ok, ok, stay calm,” Usopp said, “I’m the Great King of Warlocks, Usopp-sama, and I can think of a way out of this. Hmmmm.” Usopp furrowed his wise brow. “Ah ha! Sanji can get us out of here with a wish!”
“Yes!” Luffy cried. He took off back into the woods full tilt, dragging Usopp along behind, and barreled right into Sanji himself, who was limping up with Nami-san. The pair looked much the worse for wear after having been magically dragged over a cliff and through the woods. Sanji caught Luffy by the shoulders and shook him until his teeth rattled.
“The things you put my Nami-swan through,” he said, threateningly, then noticed Luffy’s wobbly puppy dog eyes, and the close proximity of Usopp’s panicky blathering. “Shit. What now?”
“Sanjiii, fix it,” Luffy said dizzily.
The Genie tried to drop Luffy’s shoulders in disgust and light a cigarette, but found his palms stuck fast. “Hey, let me go! You bastard, what did you do?”
“The Golden Deer’s magical gold coat was cursed!” Usopp explained, not too hysterically considering the circumstances. “We have to undo it with a wish!”
“Oh, no, don’t look at me,” Nami said, crossing her arms. “Get someone else to rub your lamp. That last wish is mine.”
“MY HAAAANDS!”
If the feathered inhabitants of that mysterious forest thought Luffy’s meat-themed wailing was mournful, they were most likely leaking a few tears themselves at the heartbrokenness of Sanji’s cry. In the next clearing over, the Princess Robin was smiling at a soft and cuddly little deer-child, who was sobbing the story of his pelt’s theft against her knees, between asides about the medicinal properties of the various flowers and roots growing at her skirts. At Sanji’s scream, they too looked around, wondering what could possibly be so heartbreaking about some human’s appendages.
“We can get Zoro to do it!” Luffy said, suddenly cheering up.
“Oh, no, that shitty cabbage-head is not touching my lamp.”
“If you never want to use your hands again...” Nami sighed.
“What did you just call me, wonderbrow?” Zoro menaced, wandering out of the trees.
He stopped short and took a better look at the goings on in the clearing, then drew back a step, clearly alarmed.
“You guys, uh, need some time alone, there?” he asked.
“What are you implying, asshole?” Sanji lashed out at him with a kick acrobatic enough to make a sea cucumber blush. Zoro blocked it with one rock-hard forearm…
…and found himself stuck fast.
“Shit!” Sanji cursed, somehow balancing with perfect poise though he was now twisted and stretched awkwardly across the clearing.
“What the hell? What’s going on?” Zoro asked, tugging nearly hard enough to drag Sanji over.
“We need you to rub Sanji’s lamp,” Luffy explained.
Zoro looked at him, then up the length of Sanji’s leg, then blushed to the roots of his mossy hair.
“Nami-swaaan,” Sanji cried, “You won’t think less of me if all these strange men touch my lamp against my will... will you?”
Her lips pressed into a tight, white line, Nami shook her head.
“I’m not touching anything,” Zoro said, drawing a sword with his free hand and looking mildly panicked.
“Don’t make me kill you,” Sanji screeched, bracing against Zoro’s forearm and kicking the sword out of his hand.
The heap they consequently wound up in was uncomfortable to say the least. In the resulting moaning, wailing, shouting and general mayhem, they nearly missed the soft, throaty chuckle that drifted through the clearing. It was a beautiful laugh, deep and musical.
“Luffy, you jerk, this is all your stupid fault,” Sanji was yelling when a soft snore issued from somewhere from between his legs.
“Don’t sleep, asshole!” he growled. Squeezing his thighs together was the only available form of violence to inflict on the idiot, so he did.
Princess Robin laughed harder, chuckling until she was clutching her stomach, face half hidden behind her hand. Nami, then Luffy joined in as Usopp sputtered indignantly, Zoro napped and Sanji quivered with rage.
Abruptly, a fuzzy little brown form darted out from behind Robin and snatched the troublemaking golden fur away. The enchantment broken, Luffy and his companions sprawled in a heap. Luffy was on top, and laughing so hard he couldn’t get up. Beneath him, muttering gave way to muffled giggles, and eventually the entire misty valley was ringing with mirth. The angst-weary birds welcomed the change of pace.
And so the Princess Robin finally laughed, lifting her curse forever. She kissed the cuddly Golden Deer between giggles, breaking his curse as well -- of course, he did remain a thoroughly embarrassed and not at all pleased magical, transforming reindeer, but he could at least leave the valley. With Luffy and his companions and the miraculous Golden Deer at her side, Princess Robin returned home, where she was reunited with her mother and her companions richly rewarded.
Now, some stories say that they all settled down in that kingdom, and lived in peace and merriment together all their days. But some other stories say that Lucky Luffy and his band of friends went on to travel the land far and wide, and had many more adventures. That’s the ending I like best, don’t you?