(no subject)

[hi_im_fez]

I went to my dad's grave today. It was probably one of the saddest moments that i've had recently. As i was standing there looking at his grave, i couldn't help but think "Wow, even though that this is my dad, he has never even seen me, he has no idea what i look like or even that i exist." Because my mom had a miscarriage before me. So There was a lot of speculation that she might have another one. But then my dad passed away. So in a sense, i couldve been a miscarriage too and he wouldnt have known. My whole family says i look most like my dad. this also makes me very sad. Because, i have never known my dad at all. My grandma started crying while we were at the grave. This in turn made me cry. She said" Chan(my dad's nickname) i brought your sons." But the way she said was just full of heartache. It was heart wrenching. I cried most of the morning. My dad not only meant so much to me and my brothers and my mom, but also meant the world to my grandparents and his siblings. I hear non stop stories about my dad which is a good thing because i know nothing about him. His favorite song is apparently by Barry Mannilo or whatever and it's called mandy. It's a great song. Barry Mannilo is sort of a panzee though haha. I was hoping that my dad was more rock and roll than that. Anyways, the song mandy is great. I dunno, maybe the reason i like it so much is because maybe i'm trying to attach myself to anything that i know my father liked, which would then make me feel like i knew him. It's weird. My grandparents love my brothers and i so very much. I think my grand ma cries everyday. It's sad to see. I think one day, i'm going to move back to Malaysia. Not now, or anytime soon, but one day. Family is so very important to me. I grew up most of my life without family and being in malaysia made me realize how much i wish i had the comfort of family. I don't want my kids to grow up like i have. I want them to have a stable life. Both of my grandparents are both very paranoid that they will die very soon. And the truth of the matter is, they're probably right. They're old. Their health isn't that great either. I love my grandparents alot. They want me to come back every year. I probably will. You never know, each time might be the last time seeing them.

I've been sort of depressed lately. I don't know why. Well, i do know why, but it's just too much just to be able to pin point one certain thing. I feel very fortunate to be getting the education that i have gotten so far. I think we take for granted what we have. On my grandfather's plantation, you see that the workers live in these little run down wooden houses. Then you look at the kids. You start to think " Holy shit, they probably will never be able to go to school or experience anything else but cutting fucking palm fruit from trees in the hot sun. Born into a life of shit." It fucking sucks. I dunno

Sometimes i wish i could run away. Like start completely fresh. In a brand new place not knowing anybody. Maybe like study theatre in london which my grandfather probably would pay for. The idea of that sounds so depressing yet exhilarating to me. I could never do that though. I have too many good things going for me. Like school. And i don't think i could just pack up and leave my friends and girlfriend like that. It would be too hurtful.

This was a pointless and long long entry. It felt sort of good though. ahaha. lj is dead and it sucks that it died.