half in love & full of shit
this has been one fucking roller coaster ride of a month.
i fell ASS OVER TIT for
what might either be ONE GIANT POSTURE, or good news (like th Church of th Subgenius). not sure @ this point. TOO not sure to be anything other than itchy, restless, uncomfortable. i NEVER let myself go this far w/o a written guarantee of reciprocation. i think that's th point: it's been so many apathetic, drug-numbed years since i felt my heart twitch that i jumped on this thing, figuring that even if it amounts to a huge disappointment it'll be MY disappointment. "they can't take that away from me!", i thought. "even desperation is gorgeous!", i thought. it's never so gorgeous as when it's unlikely, but if i pull myself hard i can almost get my head out of my ass enough to see what i think i saw before.
i don't fucking know. lately it's all starting to look like a blur of mania & bad judgment. i stand to really hurt Sean over this. more than i already have, even... & really, he (Sean) & i have been closer these past few weeks than we were over th whole span of our relationship put together (does that make sense? 'cause i know what i mean). so now i feel compelled in an entirely new direction. i've been thinking a lot about this... th things we know we can rely on, th things we know are good for us, & then th things WE GO FOR... & here's my unrevolutionary conclusion:
we act on what we want to act on. we reach out & grab th things we want, & want of; not th things that we know we SHOULD want. not even th things we WANT to want. if you want somebody to want you, MAKE THEM WANT YOU. make them enjoy spending time w/ you by making time spent w/ you enjoyable. that's th only thing that's ever going to impel anybody toward you, period. everything else you can give is disposable.
talk about airing out dirty laundry. now i hope nobody of circadian consequence reads this. EVERYTHING IS FUMIGATED; mah grave is dug.
i fell ASS OVER TIT for
what might either be ONE GIANT POSTURE, or good news (like th Church of th Subgenius). not sure @ this point. TOO not sure to be anything other than itchy, restless, uncomfortable. i NEVER let myself go this far w/o a written guarantee of reciprocation. i think that's th point: it's been so many apathetic, drug-numbed years since i felt my heart twitch that i jumped on this thing, figuring that even if it amounts to a huge disappointment it'll be MY disappointment. "they can't take that away from me!", i thought. "even desperation is gorgeous!", i thought. it's never so gorgeous as when it's unlikely, but if i pull myself hard i can almost get my head out of my ass enough to see what i think i saw before.
i don't fucking know. lately it's all starting to look like a blur of mania & bad judgment. i stand to really hurt Sean over this. more than i already have, even... & really, he (Sean) & i have been closer these past few weeks than we were over th whole span of our relationship put together (does that make sense? 'cause i know what i mean). so now i feel compelled in an entirely new direction. i've been thinking a lot about this... th things we know we can rely on, th things we know are good for us, & then th things WE GO FOR... & here's my unrevolutionary conclusion:
we act on what we want to act on. we reach out & grab th things we want, & want of; not th things that we know we SHOULD want. not even th things we WANT to want. if you want somebody to want you, MAKE THEM WANT YOU. make them enjoy spending time w/ you by making time spent w/ you enjoyable. that's th only thing that's ever going to impel anybody toward you, period. everything else you can give is disposable.
talk about airing out dirty laundry. now i hope nobody of circadian consequence reads this. EVERYTHING IS FUMIGATED; mah grave is dug.