Sacrifice

[hhwgv]

Fandom: Supernatural
Rating: G
Warnings: Major Character Death
Pairings/Characters: Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester
Summary: After failing to complete the trials and close the gates of Hell, Sam is left blind. The only way to remedy this is by finishing them - which would kill him. Dean forbids him from doing so, claiming that he will find a different way. Sam enlists Cas and Kevin to help him with the final trial, making them promise not to tell Dean. When Dean learns what has happened he is devastated and immediately starts looking for a way to bring Sam back. He is determined to be reunited with his brother, one way or another.
A/N: Written for the Wincest BB. A huge thanks to my beta, hahanoiwont on tumblr. Another massive thanks to my artist milly_gal for creating such wonderful artwork!
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Chapter One - before

When Sam woke up he wasn’t sure where he was. It felt like it could be his bed, but everything was dark and the last thing he remembered was sticking a needle into Crowley’s neck. He really just wanted to turn over and go back to sleep, leave all of his problems for another day, but he needed to find out what had happened. His head was throbbing, and he knew that standing up probably wouldn’t make that go away, but he pushed himself up, swinging his legs over the side of the bed. He reached for his nightstand, feeling his way to the base of his lamp and flicking it on but nothing changed. Everything was still dark. “Damn it,” he muttered, making a mental note to get a new light bulb.

Sam was about to stand up when there was a sharp knock at the door. It creaked open slowly and he heard someone say, “Sammy! You’re awake.” It was obviously Dean. “How are you feeling?”

“Great,” Sam croaked, his throat in dire need of water. He held his aching head in his hands, “Having the time of my life.” He stood up shakily and started towards his dresser to find something clean to wear. “Hey, turn on the light, would you?” he asked as he opened one of the drawers.

It took a while for Dean to reply, “It’s already on.” His voice was heavy with concern.

“No it isn’t,” Sam felt something in his stomach tighten. When Dean didn’t respond, he continued, “C’mon Dean, quit playing games.” A prickly feeling crawled up his spine as he turned to face his brother. He looked for any light - the big red numbers on his alarm clock, the light from the hallway - but he couldn’t see anything.

“I’m not playing games,” Dean insisted, which only made Sam’s stomach tighten even more. “The light is on. Can you really not see it?”

Oh, god. Panic began to replace the air in Sam’s lungs and his breaths started coming out in pants. “Dean,” he wheezed, “I can’t see! Why - why can’t I see?” His words were interrupted by gulps of air as he tried to steady his breathing. His heart was slamming against his ribcage and he felt dizzy, like there was a chance he could pass out at any moment.

“Hey, calm down,” Dean told him, putting a hand on his shoulder, “calm down. We’ll go ask Kevin. We’ll fix it.” Sam knew that his brother was trying to keep his voice steady for his sake, but he could hear that the words were laced with worry.

“What am I supposed to do?” Sam asked, still struggling to catch his breath. “How can I do anything? I can’t even - I can’t even get around by myself.” He felt Dean’s hand slide to the middle of his back and the other latch onto his forearm.

“It’s okay. I’ll help you. I’ll get you some breakfast or something and then I’ll go find Kevin, alright?” Dean answered in a voice that Sam assumed was supposed to be soothing.

Sam nodded his head shakily as he worked to steady his breathing. His brother gently tugged on his arm and led him towards the door. It was pretty slow - Dean was being more cautious than usual - but Sam didn’t mind, especially since it felt like his brain was rattling against his skull with every step he took. Dean pressed against him as they passed through the bedroom door, which was far too small for two grown men to fit through. Sam felt unsteady as they walked down the hallway, his hands shaking uncontrollably.

The walk to the kitchen was silent, aside from Dean saying “three steps” when they reached the stairs. Both brothers were far too wrapped up in their own thoughts to try to make any conversation. Sam’s mind was running a million miles per minute, filled with worries and thoughts of things he wouldn’t be able to do if he couldn’t see. He tried to intercept them, to replace them with positive thoughts, but they overpowered anything even remotely optimistic. In that moment, he felt more terrified than he ever had when he’d faced any kind of evil.

Sam didn’t have to see to know that Dean was worried. He knew that Dean was trying to act strong for the both of them, but Sam could feel his brother’s fingers grasping anxiously at his shirt and he swore he heard Dean’s breath catch a few times. It couldn’t be easy for him to see Sam like this, with fearful tears streaming freely down his face and neck.

It seemed like it was taking forever to reach the kitchen but when they did Dean led Sam to the table and guided his hands to the back of one of the chairs so he’d know where to sit. Sam bent over, his head screaming in protest as he felt for the top of the seat and carefully eased himself onto it. He heard Dean open a cupboard and angrily slam a bowl down onto the counter, which was followed by incoherent mumbling and the sound of cereal being poured. “Uh, here’s the spoon,” Dean said awkwardly as he pressed the metal utensil into Sam’s hand. “And here’s the cereal,” he placed Sam’s other hand against the side of the bowl so he could feel the cool porcelain underneath his fingertips. “I’m gonna go find Kevin. I’ll be right back, Sammy.”

Sam listened as his brother’s quick footsteps got further and further away. Suddenly he was all alone. The panic started to swell up inside of him, but he took a few deep breaths and tried to focus on eating the food that was in front of him. He tentatively lowered the spoon to the bowl and heard it clink against the outside when he missed. His next try was slightly more successful - he actually managed to dig the spoon into the cereal - but unfortunately, his hands were still shaking uncontrollably and he wound up dumping most of the cereal before it reached his mouth. He did his best to calm himself and, hopefully, stop his hands from shaking, but it didn’t work. He gave up on eating. He convinced himself that he wasn’t that hungry anyway.

After a while he heard Kevin and Dean approaching, their voices getting louder. Sam couldn’t quite make out what they were saying, all he heard was Dean’s low, husky voice followed by a higher-pitched chatter from Kevin. They both fell silent as they walked into the kitchen. “Sam! Wow, you look…” Kevin paused for a moment before finishing, “rough.”

Self conscious, Sam immediately ran his fingers through his hair which was, admittedly, pretty messy. “Well, I’m sure if I could see you wouldn’t look so hot either,” it was meant to be a joke but neither Kevin nor Dean laughed. The silence in the kitchen was tense. Sam wiped his hands on his sweatpants nervously.

“So you can’t see anything?” Kevin asked, suddenly a lot closer than before. Sam jumped, he hadn’t heard the prophet walk towards him. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you, I just… I wasn’t thinking. Sorry,” he apologized.

Sam was about to respond to Kevin when Dean cut him off, “Well, what do you think it is?” The question was obviously geared towards Kevin.

“I don’t know, I’m not a doctor,” Kevin retorted. “There’s a chance that it could have something to do with the trials, but I… I’m not sure. It would probably be best to take him to the hospital though, to check if it’s actually just a freak medical thing,” he suggested.

“When has it ever been a freak medical thing?” Dean responded. After a moment he sighed, “Fine. I’ll take him to the hospital. You stay here and see if the tablet says anything about it.” Sam felt Dean’s hand on his shoulder and stood, letting Dean lead him to the car and drive him to the hospital.

After that, everything became a bit of a blur for Sam. The doctors asked him a whole bunch of questions about his lifestyle and what he does and he tried to be as honest as he could without telling them that his job was to kill demons and monsters and anything else that goes bump in the night. The questions were followed by blood work, brain scans, more questions, a series of other tests, and a lot of waiting.

Sam only spoke when he was spoken to - when Dean or one of the doctors asked him a question - but mostly he was silent. He still had a knot buried in his gut and he constantly felt like he was on the verge of tears. The ‘what if’s had begun, but the one that came up most frequently was: what if I’m blind for the rest of my life? He wouldn’t be able to hunt and he wouldn’t be able to help with research. He’d be completely useless.

When the doctor finally came to talk to them about the results, Sam felt his chest tighten. He was desperate for any news, praying that it wasn’t related to the trials, that it was a medical thing that could be fixed. His heart dropped when she told him that all of the tests had come back negative. His blood work was clean and all of the scans looked normal - it was like his eyes just stopped working. She was in the middle of explaining why it baffled her when she was interrupted by Dean’s obnoxious ringtone.

“Sorry,” Dean muttered. He pulled his phone out of his pocket as he made his way to the door and added “I’ll just take this outside,” before leaving Sam alone with the doctor.

Sam tried to listen to what the doctor was telling him, but it had been a really long day so far. She was just spouting a bunch of medical jargon his way and he didn’t have the energy to try to keep up. Dean re-entered the room and she gave them a short summary: they couldn’t find what was wrong, there was nothing they could do at the moment, and to come back if anything changed.

“Kevin thinks he found something,” Dean told Sam as they walked towards the car. “He didn’t have it all translated when he called, but maybe it’s something good, y’know? There might be a way to fix this. I mean, maybe-”

“Dean, stop,” Sam interrupted as they reached the car. “You don’t have to…”

“What?” Dean asked after he’d slammed the passenger door shut and opened the driver’s door. “I don’t have to what?”

“Y’know, pretend that everything’s going to be okay,” Sam answered. “This isn’t just another sprained wrist or dislocated shoulder, I’m blind.”

“I know that, Sammy. I’m just saying, maybe Kevin found a way to fix it. I’m trying to be positive, look on the bright side,” Dean replied as he started the car.

“Don’t look at the bright side for too long or you might go blind, too,” Sam muttered, knowing that it was a stupid thing to say.

“Ha. Ha ha,” Dean responded dryly and Sam could almost picture the look on his brother’s face. it was the face that he pulled whenever Sam said something kind of stupid - the corners of his mouth downturned and his eyes squinted accusingly. “I just think we should try to be a little optimistic, y’know?” he said, serious again. “Maybe we’ll get lucky this time.”

“When have we ever been lucky?” Sam scoffed. He was sure that Dean was giving him a scolding look so he added, “Look, I just don’t want to get my hopes up only for them to be let down again when it doesn’t work.” Dean didn’t respond and neither of them said anything for the rest of the drive. Neither knew what to say.

Once they got back to the bunker, Dean led Sam straight to the library where they found Sam sitting at one of the tables with the tablet in front of him. “So?” Dean pried as Sam slowly took a seat. “What’s it say?”

“Well,” Kevin started, “it… uh, it’s not exactly good news.” He paused, trying to find the right way to phrase what he had to say. “Since Sam started the trials but didn’t finish them, it, uh… he, uh…”

“Just spit it out already!” Dean exclaimed impatiently, slamming his hand down on the table.

“He won’t be able to see unless he finishes the trials,” Kevin blurted out. He said it quickly and the words ran together, but Sam still caught it.

“But he’ll die if he finishes the trials!” Dean protested.

“That’s why I said that it wasn’t good news,” Kevin shot back.

There was a moment of silence as the news sunk in. Finally, Dean spoke, “No. There has to be something else. Maybe Cas will be able-”

“Dean,” Sam interrupted, “if it’s the only way, then I have to do it. I don’t want to be blind forever. And if I finish the trials, at least I’ll have done something good with my life.”

“No,” Dean growled. “No, I will not let that happen,” his voice was growing in volume. “We’ll find a way to fix this. You are not finishing those trials. End of story.” He stormed out of the room, his heavy footsteps echoing down the hall.

Sam pushed himself up from the table and Kevin rushed towards him. “Here, let me help,” the prophet offered, placing a hand on Sam’s arm.

“Get off of me!” Sam snapped, pulling his arm away from Kevin. He immediately felt guilty. Kevin was just trying to be nice, but Sam was tired of being treated like a little kid. “Sorry,” he mumbled sheepishly. “Thanks for the offer, but I might as well start learning how to get around the bunker without help if I’m going to be stuck like this.” He thought he heard the prophet mumble an apology as he made his way out of the room, hands outstretched as he walked towards the wall carefully. He slid his hands along until he reached the doorway, where he knew there were a few steps down. It was only three or four, but he was still a little nervous that he’d fall and hurt himself.

Sam couldn’t help feeling overwhelmingly anxious as he felt his way along the hallway and to his room. The bunker was a safe place, he knew that, but he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was going to attack him and he wouldn’t even be able to see it coming. When he finally reached the sanctity of his room he breathed a sigh of relief. It had taken him a while, but he’d made it. Now that he was here, though, he wasn’t sure what he was supposed to do. Usually he’d read or try to do some sort of research, but neither of those was an option at the moment. Instead, he crawled underneath his covers, pulling them over his head and hugging his knees against his chest. It reminded him of when he was young and scared of thunderstorms or when Dean was a jerk and made him cry. Tears dripped down his cheeks now, too, but he made no move to wipe them. Sam had no idea how he was supposed to begin to start adjusting to being blind - he wasn’t even sure that he could. The thought of being this way permanently was terrifying, but at least he could try to forget about it when he was covered by blankets.

He was just starting to feel sleepy when there was a tentative knock at his door. “Come in,” he called softly as he uncurled from himself and sat up.

Sam heard the doorknob turn and the door creak open. “It’s Kevin. I… I thought you might be hungry so I made you some food,” Kevin stammered as he walked into the room. “It’s nothing special… just a BLT and some of those tater tots that Dean always buys.

“Thanks, Kevin,” Sam forced a smile as he stood up, the cold floor ice beneath his bare feet. “Can you put it on my desk?”

“Yeah, sure,” Kevin murmured.

“What time is it anyway?” Sam asked as he walked towards his desk.

“It’s just after 7:00 in the evening,” Kevin told Sam as he gently put down the plate. Sam’s outstretched hand finally hit his desk chair and he sat down carefully. Kevin watched silently as Sam felt around the desktop for the plate.

“Thanks, Kevin,” Sam repeated. “I appreciate it. Really.”

“Well, it’s the least I can do,” Kevin mumbled, “especially since it’s basically my fault. I should’ve translated everything before you started the trials. I… I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Sam replied. “It’s not your fault. I wanted to do the trials. If Dean would just let me finish them…”

“Then you’d be dead,” Kevin finished. Neither of them said anything for a while and Sam took a bite of his sandwich.

“It’d be better than this,” Sam said after he’d swallowed. “I’m completely useless now. I can’t hunt. I can’t even help with research anymore.”

“That’s not true!” Kevin protested. “We’ll find a way for you to do everything you want to. It won’t take you very long to memorize the layout of the bunker. Plus, I’ve seen books in the library that I’m pretty sure are written in Braille. And you have a bunch of random knowledge stored in your brain that comes in handy all the time.”

“I can’t read Braille,” Sam pointed out.

“Well… I’ll help you. I’ll get some books and I’ll help you learn,” Kevin decided. “And I’m sure there’s a way to change the settings so you can use your computer. Just don’t give up.”

Sam sighed and took another bite of his sandwich - he was very tired of talking about this. “So, how long was I out for?” he asked, deliberately changing the subject.

“Just over a day, I think,” Kevin responded. “Dean hauled you in early yesterday morning.”

“Y’know, you can sit down if you want,” Sam suggested. He could feel the prophet hovering beside him and it was starting to get irritating.

“Okay,” Kevin said. Sam heard the springs squeak as he sat on the couch.

After that, Kevin filled Sam in on what had happened in the time between injecting Crowley and waking up in his bed. He was surprised to learn about the angels falling and wondered why no one had bothered to tell him earlier. Although, he supposed that they were all a little busy worrying about him. Kevin continued talking about what they were going to do with Crowley and how they were going to handle the situation with Abaddon, but Sam was only half paying attention. He felt guilty for being relieved when Kevin finally left.

Sam crawled back into his bed and felt fresh tears on his face as his head hit the pillow. He should’ve just finished the trials. He should try to convince Dean to let him finish them, although he knew that wasn’t going to happen.

He wasn’t sure how long he lay there, trapped by all of the thoughts that were swimming in his mind. It was hard for him to keep track of them - they all seemed to merge together after a while. He was exhausted but, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t fall asleep. His body was having a hard time relaxing because he felt like he was going to be attacked at any moment, like there was someone - or something - waiting for him somewhere in the vast sea of darkness. He tried to reassure himself that the bunker was a safe place and that he’d be okay, but it didn’t seem to help. His shoulders ached from the tension he was inadvertently holding there. Finally, he gave up, throwing his blankets off of him and feeling his way down the hallway to Dean’s room.

There was soft music leaking through the bedroom door, which meant that he was 1) actually in there, and 2) awake. Sam knocked tentatively and listened for Dean to call for him to come in.

“Sam!” Dean exclaimed when Sam opened the door. “Is something wrong? What do you need?” Sam could hear the anxiety in his voice.

“I can’t sleep and I… I was just wondering if I could sleep in here tonight,” Sam answered shyly. There was a time when they shared a bed every night but since moving into the bunker they’d slept separately, mostly because they wanted to keep that aspect of their relationship a secret. It wasn’t that they were ashamed - they’d gotten past any weirdness years ago - but they didn’t want to face Kevin’s judgement or make the prophet uncomfortable. They’d kept it a secret since they were teenagers, it was pretty much second nature by now.

“Yeah, sure,” Dean replied, getting up and walking towards Sam. he took his hand and led him over to the bed, turning off the radio and lights before getting in next to Sam. Dean wrapped his arms around his younger brother protectively, pulling him close to his chest. Sam instinctively buried his face into Dean’s shoulder, sighing contentedly when he felt his brother press a kiss to the top of his head.

They lay in silence for a while and, in that moment, Sam could almost forget about the situation at hand. He wasn’t even sure Dean was awake when he murmured, “Hey, Dean.”

Dean grunted sleepily in response and Sam continued, “I can’t do this forever… you know that. You have to let me finish the trials.”

“What?” Sam felt Dean shift to look at him. “No, Sammy, you can’t,” he replied. “I can’t lose you.”

“But Dean, I-”

“Give me at least a month,” Dean interrupted. “I’ll find a way to fix this, I promise. You just need to give me some time. Please.”

“Alright,” Sam sighed. He snuggled closer to Dean and his brother’s arms tightened around him, apparently appeased. Deep down, Sam doubted that there was another way. Starting the trials was what had gotten him into this mess, it made sense that the only way to resolve it would be finishing them. Although, he knew that if there was another way, Dean would find it and do whatever he needed to do to fix this.

It didn’t take long for Sam to fall asleep after that. He was still riddled with anxiety and worry, but the steady beat of Dean’s heart and the comforting rise and fall of his chest was more than enough to lull the younger Winchester to sleep.

The next morning, Sam woke up to an empty bed. Instead of getting up to try to find Dean, he buried himself further into the blankets. He was unwilling to face whatever it was the day had to offer. It was immature, he knew that, but whenever Dean came into the room to check on him he pretended to be asleep. All he wanted to do was lay in bed all day.

Pretending to be asleep worked for the first three times, but when Dean came in a fourth time, he gently shook Sam’s shoulder until he ‘woke up.’ “What?” Sam snapped.

“Cas just got here,” Dean told him softly. “We’re gonna see if he can figure out a way to fix this. C’mon, get up. You can sleep later.”

“Fine,” Sam grumbled as he rolled over to get out of bed. He pushed himself to his feet and felt Dean’s fingers lace through his. There was something soothing about having Dean right beside him, despite the fact that Sam could feel the tension that was practically radiating from his brother’s body.

“Cas and Kevin are in the library,” Dean said once they were in the hall. “I’ll bring you there and then go get you some food. I went into town this morning and bought you some of the organic crap that you like.”

“Just a banana or something would be fine,” Sam responded. He didn’t say anything else for the rest of the walk to the library. He was only half listening to what Dean was rambling on about, he was too wrapped up in his own thoughts. All he wanted to do was go back to bed. He had a bad feeling festering in his chest and deep down he knew that Cas probably wouldn’t be able to heal him. There was only one way to fix this, but apparently that wasn’t an option that was even being considered.

An awkward silence filled the library as Sam slowly sat down at one of the tables. He could almost feel the pitying looks that he was sure were in everyone’s eyes. “Well? I’m here, now what?” he prompted.

“Cas is gonna see if he can heal you,” Dean replied and Sam heard the angel being shuffled towards him.

“Dean, I can’t,” Cas protested in his gravelly monotone.

“What do you mean you can’t?” Dean asked accusingly. “Why not?”

“I…” Cas hesitated. “Metatron used my grace to complete the spell that caused the angels to be cast out of Heaven,” he explained. “I’m not an angel anymore.”

Sam was sure that Kevin and Dean were just as shocked as he was - especially since neither of them said anything for the next few minutes. It was Cas who broke the quiet, “I’m truly sorry, Sam.” His voice was as sincere and apologetic as Sam had ever heard it.

“It’s okay, Cas,” Sam replied. “I wasn’t expecting anything.”

The room lapsed back into an uncomfortable silence. “So, now what?” Kevin finally asked from somewhere behind Sam.

“Let me finish th-” Sam began.

“No!” Dean interrupted angrily. “That is not happening. I’m going to get Sam something to eat and then we’re going to sit down and figure this out,” he said with an air of authority.

Sam sighed as Dean stomped out of the room. He listened closely as Dean’s heavy footfalls faded into silence. “What do you guys think?” Sam asked Kevin and Cas.

“About what?” Kevin replied as he took a seat next to Sam.

“About me finishing the trials,” Sam answered. “If we can’t find another way to fix this, I want to complete the trials.”

“But, Dean said-”

“I know what Dean said,” Sam cut Kevin off. “But if there’s no other way, then I have to. Dean won’t help me, but I need to know if you guys would be willing.”

“Sam, are you sure?” Cas asked and Sam could imagine exactly what he looked like at that moment. His dark hair was perpetually messy and his head was probably cocked ever-so-slightly, eyes narrowed and studying Sam.

“Yeah, Cas, I’m sure,” Sam said.

“If this is what you truly want, then I will assist you in any way I can,” Cas conceded.

“What? Are you crazy?” Kevin exclaimed, his voice thick with worry. “Sam, you can’t do that - you’ll die!”

“One life for thousands,” Sam said evenly.

“No!” Kevin replied adamantly. “Sam, you can’t!”

“Please, Kevin,” Sam begged. “Please do this one last thing for me. I’m not saying we won’t try to find another way, but if there isn’t any - well, then this is something that I have to do. And please, promise that you won’t tell Dean about any of this.”

“You have my word,” Cas promised. Sam was a little surprised at how easily Cas had agreed, but he supposed that the ex-angel was able to see things on a grander scale and knew what it was like to have a mission that he had to complete.

“Sam, I - I can’t,” Kevin sighed.

“Please, just think about it,” Sam urged. “You don’t have to give me an answer immediately.”

“Alright, I’ll think about it,” Kevin said, sounding slightly defeated.

“Thanks,” Sam mumbled. The previous times he’d gone behind Dean’s back hadn’t turned out well, but if there was no other way to fix his eyes, then he would have to go through with it. Dean would understand eventually. He would learn to live without Sam - it wasn’t like he’d be alone, he’d still have Kevin and Cas. He’d be happy again.

No one said anything until Dean came back into the room. The elder Winchester pressed a banana into Sam’s hand and set an apple down on the table in front of Sam before sitting down across from him. Sam was too busy thinking about completing the final trial and trying figure out the logistics of it to pay attention to Dean’s plan to get Sam’s sight back. He vaguely heard Dean yammering on about the demon tablet and books and angels.

“I’m going back to bed,” Sam announced after he’d eaten about half of the banana. He wasn’t very hungry, anyway. He pushed his chair back from the table and stood up. Dean was beside him in an instant and he gently led his younger brother back to his room.

“I’m gonna find a way to fix this, Sammy,” Dean said as Sam crawled back into bed. “There has to be something.” Sam didn’t respond - he didn’t know how. He was pretty sure that Dean had not only said that to reassure Sam, but to try to convince himself as well. Dean wasn’t usually the optimistic one in their relationship, but this time he had to be. He knew that if he wasn’t, Sam wouldn’t hesitate to complete the final trial. “I’ll be back in a few hours,” he told Sam, closing the door behind him.

Dean’s determination was admirable and Sam knew that, if the roles were reversed, he’d be doing the exact thing. He didn’t want to leave Dean, but he couldn’t deny that finishing the trials was important. Closing the gates of Hell might be the only thing that could redeem him. Sam couldn’t help but think that maybe - just maybe - it would be enough to make up for all of the mistakes that he’d made and all of the things that he’d done. Sacrificing himself, his life, was the least he could do. Besides, what else did he have to live for? It was the only way he could make his death worth something, really make it matter.

Without Dean next to him, it took a lot longer to fall asleep. Sam finally managed to doze off after what felt like hours. He was roused slightly when Dean climbed into bed next to him and he instinctively moved closer to his older brother. Comforted by the warmth of Dean’s body, sleep came a lot easier.

Over the next few weeks, Sam spent most of his time in bed. He didn’t like being in the library - he couldn’t help with any of the research and it made him feel useless. Of course, lying in bed all day didn’t make him feel particularly useful, but at least when he was asleep he didn’t have to think about what he was going to have to do.

Near the beginning of the search, about a week after Cas had first come to the bunker, he’d managed to convince another angel to come and see if they could heal Sam. The angel - who had introduced herself as Hael - had tried but all she managed to do was help confirm his belief that he only had one option. At that point, Dean was still certain that they’d find something, but even Kevin was starting to see Sam’s side of the situation.

A few days after Hael’s visit, when Dean was out on a supply run, Kevin came to talk to Sam. “I’m in,” he sighed, sitting down on the edge of the bed. “If it’s really what you want, I’ll help.”

“Thanks, Kevin,” Sam said earnestly. “I appreciate it.”

“I’m sorry I got you into this mess, Sam,” Kevin replied before he left the room.

As time went on and they got closer to the end of the month Sam had promised, he could tell that Dean was starting to lose hope. He tried to act strong and like his faith was unwavering, but Sam wasn’t fooled.

“Y’know, Dean, it’s okay if you want to give up,” Sam murmured one night when they were lying in bed. He felt his brother’s entire body tense up beside him.

“I’m not giving up, Sammy,” Dean replied fiercely. “Ever. I promise, I’m gonna fix this.”

Sam sighed quietly. There was a part of him that wanted Dean to give up - that way he wouldn’t feel as guilty for betraying him. The end was coming and Sam knew that. He was going to complete the trials, whether Dean came around or not.

When Dean pulled him closer, Sam gently peppered kisses along his collarbone. He kissed along his older brother’s neck before finally pressing their lips together. Dean hesitated for a moment before returning the kiss passionately, one of his hands sliding upwards and tangling in the hair at the nape of Sam’s neck. The other arm wrapped around Sam’s waist, holding him as close as he possibly could.

In that moment, Sam could almost forget about the entire situation and what he was about to do. Being this close to Dean was natural, it was where he belonged. Sam’s heart ached when he thought about leaving his brother, but he knew that it was what he needed to do. There was no avoiding it.

“I love you, Dean,” Sam whispered breathily against Dean’s lips as guilt ate him up inside. It was his last chance to say it and have Dean say it back - there was no way he was going to forfeit that opportunity.

“I love you, too,” Dean murmured as Sam settled against him.

Sam listened closely to Dean’s breathing, waiting for the moment when his brother would fall asleep. Guilt was eating him up inside, especially since he knew how angry Dean would be. He just hoped that the elder Winchester would find it in him to forgive him, that he wouldn’t hate him because of it.

It didn’t take long before Dean’s quiet snoring filled the room. Begrudgingly, Sam pulled himself away from his brother, hoping that Dean wouldn’t wake up. Sam stopped when he reached the door and opened it silently, mumbling an apology to Dean under his breath.

He felt his way along the hallway, stopping four doors over and knocking as quietly as he could. Sam heard movement inside and suddenly the door opened.

“Sam?” Kevin asked sleepily. “What are you doing up so late?”

Sam tried to sound as confident as he could - he hoped his voice wouldn’t betray his nerves when he replied, “It’s time.”

Chapter Two - after

Dean immediately knew that something was wrong when he woke up without his brother pressed up against him. Sam had been there every morning for the past month - he hardly ever left the room - and now he wasn’t. It was more than a little suspicious. Dean looked at the spot where Sam usually slept and saw something out of the corner of his eye - something that definitely hadn’t been there when they’d gone to bed the night before.

A white envelope was laying on the nightstand. It had his name written on it, not in Sam’s handwriting but in Kevin’s, and the sight of it did nothing to ease the knot of anxiety that had formed in the pit of his stomach. His hand shook involuntarily as he reached over what had become Sam’s side of the bed to pick it up.

He unfolded the paper cautiously, holding it away from him - like it was something that could explode at any moment. As he read the words, he felt his body go numb.

Dean,
Hopefully by the time you read this, I will have completed the final trial. I know that you were against it, but it was something I had to do. Nothing I can say will make you understand - I know that - but one day you will.
I didn’t want to leave you but I had no choice. I had to redeem myself somehow and this was the only way. I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life as a burden to you and this way something positive will come as a result of my death. I love you, Dean, and I know that we’ll see each other again someday.
Please, don’t try to bring me back. Give me a hunter’s funeral - like we gave Dad and Bobby. I know this will be hard for you, but remember that you’re not alone. You’ll have Kevin and Cas. Don’t shut yourself off. And please, don’t blame them for this. It was completely my decision, they were only doing what I asked.
I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye. But if I had, you never would have allowed this to happen and it needed to.
-Sam

Dean threw the blankets back and glanced at his alarm clock before storming out of the room. It took eight hours to complete the cure, so there was a part of him that clung onto the hope that Sam was still alive. He stomped down the hallway towards the room where they were holding Crowley, so focused on trying to save Sam that he didn’t feel the freezing floor beneath his bare feet.

“Cas! Kevin!” Dean yelled without trying to hide the rage in his voice. “Sam!” He wiggled the doorknob when he reached the room and found it locked. He pounded on the door with a closed fist. “Open the fucking door!”

Dean listened through the door to see if he could hear anyone stirring on the other side of it. “Cas, you son of a bitch, I know you’re in there!” He took a few steps back, preparing to break the door down, when he heard a click and the door swung open slightly. He threw the door open all the way and blinked in the dim light.

Once his eyes had adjusted, they were drawn towards a large figure on the floor - far too large to be anyone other than Sam. “Sammy!” He cried before falling to his knees next to his brother. “Sammy, no…” he murmured, tears sliding freely down his cheeks. Dean was so focused on Sam that he didn’t even notice the other three people in the room.

“Dean-” Cas started.

“You,” Dean growled, looking away from Sam for the first time. “How could you let him do this? Why didn’t you stop him? Or tell me?”

“I-” Cas was interrupted by Dean’s fist making contact with his cheek.

“Get out of here,” Dean said quietly before turning back to Sam.

Cas opened his mouth as if he was going to say something, but let Kevin lead him out of the room quietly. Once their footsteps faded down the hallway, Dean struggled to lift Sam off of the ground and carried him to his room. He made no move to wipe the tears from his face as he stood over Sam’s bed, staring at his brother’s unmoving body.

Dean didn’t know what to do next - he couldn’t stand the thought of burning or burying Sam’s body. The letter had said that Sam wanted a hunter’s funeral, but that would mean that he could never come back. It would mean accepting the fact that Sam was really dead, and he wasn’t sure that he was ready for that. There had to be some way to undo what had been done. Dean would do anything to have his brother back - even if it meant battling every demon in hell.

After a few days, Dean knew that he couldn’t put off the inevitable any longer - he had to do what Sam wanted, he had to give him a hunter’s funeral.

Dean took a deep breath and made his way to the library. Kevin looked up when he walked in, “Dean-”

“I’m doing it tonight,” Dean interrupted. “If you want to come, you can,” he said quietly before turning and leaving to gather the supplies he’d need. He wasn’t ready to say goodbye to Sam, but then again, he’d never be.

As Dean constructed the altar, he tried his hardest to put what was about to happen out of his mind. He couldn’t think about Sam, or the fact that he’d be completely alone after this. Castiel and Kevin helped as best they could, but Dean tried to make it take as long as possible - to put it off as long as he could.

Dean’s heart ached as he watched the flames consume everything. He could feel the heat of the fire and hot tears burned the back of his eyes. This was it - the end. He’d never see Sam again. He didn’t know what to do. Without his brother, he was no one. Nothing.

Chapter Three - epilogue

Sam always knew that he’d see Dean again someday, he just didn’t expect it to be so soon. “Dean,” he breathed as he fell into his brother’s arms. It felt so nice to have his brother with him. “Wait, what are you doing here?” He asked, pulling away.

“I’m dead,” Dean answered, “same as you.” He pulled Sam against him again. “God, Sammy, I missed you,” he murmured. “This isn’t really what I expected when I thought of Heaven,” he said as he looked around. It was Bobby’s house - before it’d burned down, obviously - and they were sitting on the deck outside, a cooler filled with beers between them.

“Yeah, well, it’s pretty great,” Sam smiled. “But what happened? Seriously…”

“Uh, it was a case,” Dean replied as he sat down on one of the chairs and cracked open a beer. “It was my first hunt in a few months. After you… died… I took some time off. I guess I was out of practice. I was hunting a coven of vampires in Kansas and they got me.” He looked over at Sam, “but it doesn’t matter, because now I get to be with you.”

Sam reached over and grabbed Dean’s hand. “Forever,” he grinned.