Fic: No Challenge
Title: Cupids Gone Wild (or The Boy with the Soulmate Tattoo)
Summary: slumber told me about a depressing fic trend that involves characters waking up with tattoos which reveal their soulmates' names. I decided this was too good to pass up. (The first title is also hers - thanks Evy!)
Pairings: Anthony Goldstein/Ernie Macmillan
Characters: the Ravenclaw trio (Anthony Goldstein, Michael Corner, and Terry Boot), Justin Finch-Fletchley, Ernie Macmillan, and appearances by others
Genre: Crack/Humor
Rating/Warnings: cliches, Americanisms, and other atrocities
Medium: Fic
Word Count: 1539
Can the Order post to Tumblr?: No
Cupids Gone Wild
or The Boy with the Soulmate Tattoo
One pleasant afternoon after a D.A. meeting, Anthony Goldstein overheard a most unusual conversation. At first, he paid it no mind, but later his friend Michael Corner would relate it to him in great detail.
“St. Valentine’s Day tomorrow!” chirped Justin Finch-Fletchley. “I’m glad we had our D.A. meeting today, aren’t you? Wouldn’t want to miss the Hogsmeade festivities!”
“Have plans, Justin?” asked Michael Corner innocently. Ginny, his girlfriend, stifled a laugh nearby.
“No, no. I don’t have a Valentine, if that’s what you mean.” Justin grinned nonetheless. “There’s something just so charming and magical about the day, isn’t there?”
As usual, Luna Lovegood seemed to appear out of nowhere.
“There might be something a bit more magical about Valentine’s Day this year,” she ominously intoned.
“What do you mean, Luna?” Ginny asked.
“The wards keeping cupids in check are waning. It is predicted that this year, there will be nothing to hold them back.”
Michael raised a brow. “Er, what?”
“I thought you would know,” Luna responded. Her orblike eyes grew even wider in mild surprise. “It’s been a very big news story.”
Justin frowned. “I’m shocked that I haven’t heard about this,” he said earnestly. “Why would cupids need to be held in check?”
“Because,” Luna began. “Cupids love nothing more than to interfere in the plans of mortals. Long ago, witches and wizards would stay awake all through the night on the eve of Valentine’s Day. If ever one would fall asleep, he would wake with the name of his soulmate tattooed upon his body.”
Justin gasped.
“That’s dreadful! Is there anything we can do to prevent such a thing?”
“The incantation is printed in this month’s Quibbler. I would suggest you purchase a copy, but since it’s much too late for that, I can lend you my own. But unfortunately, the incantation is very weak. It must chanted within the hour before midnight - facing East, of course - and it will only protect the individual....”
Justin waved over his best friend Ernie and bade Luna explain the situation once more. Observing from a short distance, Anthony noticed looks of worry and disbelief warring on Ernie’s face. The Ravenclaw boy felt a similar battle being waged inside his own heart. What if Loony Lovegood were onto something for once? What would happen if he neglected to take precaution? Would a cupid tattoo on him the name of his soulmate?
Later that day, Michael Corner related the tale to Anthony and their other best friend, a serious boy named Terry Boot.
“It’s obviously nonsense,” Michael laughed. “But it is hilarious, isn’t it?”
“Hold on,” Terry interrupted, his brow furrowed. “Why are Lovegood and the others acting like this would be such a terrible thing? It seems like a very easy way to find true love. Efficient even, I’d say. You just go to the person whose name you’ve found, you show them the tattoo, and you say, ‘Hey, we’re soulmates! Let’s get married.’ The end! All the rest of us have to go on dates and decide through trial-and-error who is right for us. And in the end, we may never truly know.”
“No, no,” Anthony said. He was becoming interested in this theory despite himself. “What if you don’t even know the person? What if the person is already in love with someone else?”
“Or what if they’re ugly?” Michael added.
Terry shrugged. “It wouldn’t matter. You would know without doubt that you will come to love this person and be with them forever. That’s just how soulmates work.”
“I still think there’s so many ways this could go wrong,” Anthony said. “What if you could only be together if both of you died?”
Terry scoffed. “How would that ever happen? It seems like outlier circumstances.”
It seemed like outlier circumstances indeed, but it kept Anthony awake that night long after the others had fallen asleep. As his timepiece announced the hour of midnight, Anthony knew for certain that it was too late. Que sera, sera. If a cupid wanted to tattoo him tonight, he would have no defense.
That was his last thought until he fell into a dreamless sleep. When morning came, Anthony awoke with a sharp pain in his side.
“Shit!” he shouted.
“What’s up?” Michael asked sleepily.
Anthony didn’t answer. He leapt out of bed and ran to the mirror. He lifted shirt to peer at the painful mark. Across his ribs was printed quite neatly the following name:
ERNIE MACMILLAN
Anthony gasped.
“It’s true!” he exclaimed. “I’ve been tattooed by a wild cupid!”
Terry sat up. “Well, come on! Who is it?”
Wordlessly, Anthony turned around, and to his horror, his friends burst out laughing.
“A bloke?”
“And of all blokes - ERNIE!”
“I never would have thought the cupids would use a person’s full name,” Terry mused. “It looks a bit silly, don’t you think? Why not just ‘I LOVE ERNIE?’”
Anthony shuddered. “This is terrible! What shall I do?”
“There’s only one thing,” Michael said. “You’ll just have to man up and tell him.”
Since Michael was right, as usual, Anthony decided to approach Ernie forthwith. The soonest opportunity was at breakfast, where Ernie was sharing muffins and sausages with his fellow Hufflepuffs. Anthony approached the table and was shaken to hear the topic of conversation.
“Luna’s incantation worked like a charm, eh?” Justin asked. “No tattoos on me!”
Ernie shook his head. “Nor on me. I wonder if there was ever such a threat to begin with - though I’d rather be safe than sorry, of course....”
Anthony cleared his throat.
“Oh, hello, Anthony,” Ernie said cheerfully. “Happy Valentine’s Day, by the way. I hope you kept yourself safe from those wild and mischievous cupids.”
“Actually...” Anthony paused and took a deep breath. “That’s what I need to talk to you about.”
Justin gasped.
“Did they get you, Anthony?”
Anthony hung his head. “I - I wasn’t sure I believed it, but then....”
Ernie straightened and patted his mouth with a serviette. He also ran a nervous hand through his thick blond hair.
“You’re saying you woke up with the name of your soulmate tattooed upon you, is that correct?”
“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying,” Anthony explained. “And the name is...”
Justin and Ernie waited with baited breath.
“...yours, Ernie.”
Justin fainted; Ernie was too rapt to notice.
“Is it truly?” the Hufflepuff boy asked, a look of sudden tenderness on his face.
Anthony nodded. “I’m afraid so, yes.”
“You don’t mind showing me, do you? It’s not that I don’t believe you, but…just to be sure.”
Anthony winced with a deep blush. “Well, okay, give me a moment.” The act of lifting his robes in the Great Hall caught the interest of nearly everyone, and several of the Hufflepuffs craned in for a closer look. Hannah Abbott grabbed the fainted Justin and shook him awake.
“Look! Anthony Goldstein’s stripping in the Great Hall!” she hissed excitedly.
Hannah and the others were somewhat disappointed when Anthony merely lifted his shirt, an action which displayed his smitten soulmate’s name for all to see.
Ernie pressed a hand to his chest.
“Imagine if I had used Luna’s incantation too,” Anthony said shakily. He pulled his shirt and robes back into place. “We might never know we were meant to be.”
Ernie smiled at him solemnly. “No, Anthony. I think we would have known.” He stood, eager to embrace his newfound love, but discovered that the lengthy House tables were seemingly designed to prevent such a thing.
Sensing Ernie’s indecision, a fellow Hufflepuff named Susan Bones tutted. “Get on over there, Ern!” She pulled him down and practically shoved him across the table. Before Ernie could fall face-first into a cauldron of porridge, Anthony caught him and pulled him in for their first kiss. The fumes from the bubbling porridge warmed their happy faces.
Justin - who was still a little pale but otherwise fully recovered - stood and cheered. Soon the entire Hufflepuff table, and then the Ravenclaws, the Gryffindors, and even the Slytherins, joined the rousing applause. Albus Dumbledore wiped a twinkling tear from his eye. Oh, l’amour.
And with that, the two lived happily ever after. Of course, the war and all that made things difficult for a while, but luckily for our two heroes, love conquers all.
That marvelous idea still floated in Anthony’s mind when he woke from a dreamy sleep. Dawn was just beginning to brighten the sky. He touched his side instinctively, but he felt nothing.
“I just had the oddest dream,” he said aloud.
“Hmmuh?” Michael asked.
“I dreamt that I woke up with a tattoo of Ernie Macmillan’s name, which was supposed to mean that he’s my soul mate.”
“Are you drunk or something?”
“No,” Anthony answered. “It’s just - it was very odd.”
“Yeah, yeah. Go back to sleep, will you?”
He didn’t respond, but he did not fall back asleep either. Instead he considered how it might be if Ernie Macmillan actually were his soulmate. Would it really be so bad? Anthony closed his eyes. He could still feel the warm heat of the Hufflepuffs’ porridge and the press of another boy’s lips to his.
THE END
yaakov/Ravenclaw/51 Points
Summary: slumber told me about a depressing fic trend that involves characters waking up with tattoos which reveal their soulmates' names. I decided this was too good to pass up. (The first title is also hers - thanks Evy!)
Pairings: Anthony Goldstein/Ernie Macmillan
Characters: the Ravenclaw trio (Anthony Goldstein, Michael Corner, and Terry Boot), Justin Finch-Fletchley, Ernie Macmillan, and appearances by others
Genre: Crack/Humor
Rating/Warnings: cliches, Americanisms, and other atrocities
Medium: Fic
Word Count: 1539
Can the Order post to Tumblr?: No
Cupids Gone Wild
or The Boy with the Soulmate Tattoo
One pleasant afternoon after a D.A. meeting, Anthony Goldstein overheard a most unusual conversation. At first, he paid it no mind, but later his friend Michael Corner would relate it to him in great detail.
“St. Valentine’s Day tomorrow!” chirped Justin Finch-Fletchley. “I’m glad we had our D.A. meeting today, aren’t you? Wouldn’t want to miss the Hogsmeade festivities!”
“Have plans, Justin?” asked Michael Corner innocently. Ginny, his girlfriend, stifled a laugh nearby.
“No, no. I don’t have a Valentine, if that’s what you mean.” Justin grinned nonetheless. “There’s something just so charming and magical about the day, isn’t there?”
As usual, Luna Lovegood seemed to appear out of nowhere.
“There might be something a bit more magical about Valentine’s Day this year,” she ominously intoned.
“What do you mean, Luna?” Ginny asked.
“The wards keeping cupids in check are waning. It is predicted that this year, there will be nothing to hold them back.”
Michael raised a brow. “Er, what?”
“I thought you would know,” Luna responded. Her orblike eyes grew even wider in mild surprise. “It’s been a very big news story.”
Justin frowned. “I’m shocked that I haven’t heard about this,” he said earnestly. “Why would cupids need to be held in check?”
“Because,” Luna began. “Cupids love nothing more than to interfere in the plans of mortals. Long ago, witches and wizards would stay awake all through the night on the eve of Valentine’s Day. If ever one would fall asleep, he would wake with the name of his soulmate tattooed upon his body.”
Justin gasped.
“That’s dreadful! Is there anything we can do to prevent such a thing?”
“The incantation is printed in this month’s Quibbler. I would suggest you purchase a copy, but since it’s much too late for that, I can lend you my own. But unfortunately, the incantation is very weak. It must chanted within the hour before midnight - facing East, of course - and it will only protect the individual....”
Justin waved over his best friend Ernie and bade Luna explain the situation once more. Observing from a short distance, Anthony noticed looks of worry and disbelief warring on Ernie’s face. The Ravenclaw boy felt a similar battle being waged inside his own heart. What if Loony Lovegood were onto something for once? What would happen if he neglected to take precaution? Would a cupid tattoo on him the name of his soulmate?
Later that day, Michael Corner related the tale to Anthony and their other best friend, a serious boy named Terry Boot.
“It’s obviously nonsense,” Michael laughed. “But it is hilarious, isn’t it?”
“Hold on,” Terry interrupted, his brow furrowed. “Why are Lovegood and the others acting like this would be such a terrible thing? It seems like a very easy way to find true love. Efficient even, I’d say. You just go to the person whose name you’ve found, you show them the tattoo, and you say, ‘Hey, we’re soulmates! Let’s get married.’ The end! All the rest of us have to go on dates and decide through trial-and-error who is right for us. And in the end, we may never truly know.”
“No, no,” Anthony said. He was becoming interested in this theory despite himself. “What if you don’t even know the person? What if the person is already in love with someone else?”
“Or what if they’re ugly?” Michael added.
Terry shrugged. “It wouldn’t matter. You would know without doubt that you will come to love this person and be with them forever. That’s just how soulmates work.”
“I still think there’s so many ways this could go wrong,” Anthony said. “What if you could only be together if both of you died?”
Terry scoffed. “How would that ever happen? It seems like outlier circumstances.”
It seemed like outlier circumstances indeed, but it kept Anthony awake that night long after the others had fallen asleep. As his timepiece announced the hour of midnight, Anthony knew for certain that it was too late. Que sera, sera. If a cupid wanted to tattoo him tonight, he would have no defense.
That was his last thought until he fell into a dreamless sleep. When morning came, Anthony awoke with a sharp pain in his side.
“Shit!” he shouted.
“What’s up?” Michael asked sleepily.
Anthony didn’t answer. He leapt out of bed and ran to the mirror. He lifted shirt to peer at the painful mark. Across his ribs was printed quite neatly the following name:
ERNIE MACMILLAN
Anthony gasped.
“It’s true!” he exclaimed. “I’ve been tattooed by a wild cupid!”
Terry sat up. “Well, come on! Who is it?”
Wordlessly, Anthony turned around, and to his horror, his friends burst out laughing.
“A bloke?”
“And of all blokes - ERNIE!”
“I never would have thought the cupids would use a person’s full name,” Terry mused. “It looks a bit silly, don’t you think? Why not just ‘I LOVE ERNIE?’”
Anthony shuddered. “This is terrible! What shall I do?”
“There’s only one thing,” Michael said. “You’ll just have to man up and tell him.”
Since Michael was right, as usual, Anthony decided to approach Ernie forthwith. The soonest opportunity was at breakfast, where Ernie was sharing muffins and sausages with his fellow Hufflepuffs. Anthony approached the table and was shaken to hear the topic of conversation.
“Luna’s incantation worked like a charm, eh?” Justin asked. “No tattoos on me!”
Ernie shook his head. “Nor on me. I wonder if there was ever such a threat to begin with - though I’d rather be safe than sorry, of course....”
Anthony cleared his throat.
“Oh, hello, Anthony,” Ernie said cheerfully. “Happy Valentine’s Day, by the way. I hope you kept yourself safe from those wild and mischievous cupids.”
“Actually...” Anthony paused and took a deep breath. “That’s what I need to talk to you about.”
Justin gasped.
“Did they get you, Anthony?”
Anthony hung his head. “I - I wasn’t sure I believed it, but then....”
Ernie straightened and patted his mouth with a serviette. He also ran a nervous hand through his thick blond hair.
“You’re saying you woke up with the name of your soulmate tattooed upon you, is that correct?”
“Yes, that’s exactly what I’m saying,” Anthony explained. “And the name is...”
Justin and Ernie waited with baited breath.
“...yours, Ernie.”
Justin fainted; Ernie was too rapt to notice.
“Is it truly?” the Hufflepuff boy asked, a look of sudden tenderness on his face.
Anthony nodded. “I’m afraid so, yes.”
“You don’t mind showing me, do you? It’s not that I don’t believe you, but…just to be sure.”
Anthony winced with a deep blush. “Well, okay, give me a moment.” The act of lifting his robes in the Great Hall caught the interest of nearly everyone, and several of the Hufflepuffs craned in for a closer look. Hannah Abbott grabbed the fainted Justin and shook him awake.
“Look! Anthony Goldstein’s stripping in the Great Hall!” she hissed excitedly.
Hannah and the others were somewhat disappointed when Anthony merely lifted his shirt, an action which displayed his smitten soulmate’s name for all to see.
Ernie pressed a hand to his chest.
“Imagine if I had used Luna’s incantation too,” Anthony said shakily. He pulled his shirt and robes back into place. “We might never know we were meant to be.”
Ernie smiled at him solemnly. “No, Anthony. I think we would have known.” He stood, eager to embrace his newfound love, but discovered that the lengthy House tables were seemingly designed to prevent such a thing.
Sensing Ernie’s indecision, a fellow Hufflepuff named Susan Bones tutted. “Get on over there, Ern!” She pulled him down and practically shoved him across the table. Before Ernie could fall face-first into a cauldron of porridge, Anthony caught him and pulled him in for their first kiss. The fumes from the bubbling porridge warmed their happy faces.
Justin - who was still a little pale but otherwise fully recovered - stood and cheered. Soon the entire Hufflepuff table, and then the Ravenclaws, the Gryffindors, and even the Slytherins, joined the rousing applause. Albus Dumbledore wiped a twinkling tear from his eye. Oh, l’amour.
And with that, the two lived happily ever after. Of course, the war and all that made things difficult for a while, but luckily for our two heroes, love conquers all.
That marvelous idea still floated in Anthony’s mind when he woke from a dreamy sleep. Dawn was just beginning to brighten the sky. He touched his side instinctively, but he felt nothing.
“I just had the oddest dream,” he said aloud.
“Hmmuh?” Michael asked.
“I dreamt that I woke up with a tattoo of Ernie Macmillan’s name, which was supposed to mean that he’s my soul mate.”
“Are you drunk or something?”
“No,” Anthony answered. “It’s just - it was very odd.”
“Yeah, yeah. Go back to sleep, will you?”
He didn’t respond, but he did not fall back asleep either. Instead he considered how it might be if Ernie Macmillan actually were his soulmate. Would it really be so bad? Anthony closed his eyes. He could still feel the warm heat of the Hufflepuffs’ porridge and the press of another boy’s lips to his.
THE END
yaakov/Ravenclaw/51 Points