(no subject)
I feel like shit still today. Like I got punched in the fucking face. Left hook to the mouth. I found out that I am going to Chicago, but a lot of the plans for me changed. I dont know how long or for what type of work I will be in Chicago for. I don't even care where I am. I would rather be by myself again if I could be in America because Im so fucking jaded. Im sick of feeling like I am second rate.
I need a change of perspective. I was really optimistic for a while but now its back to cynical. It feels like for some people, hard work just doesn't pay off. Because you're fucking cursed. I feel it in my bones. You know the Greek myth about Sisyphus? Eternally cursed to push the boulder up the hill and when the boulder gets near the top, it rolls all the way back down. Im not Sisyphus, I feel like the damn boulder.
Right now, I am not happy with myself. I look in the mirror and Im pissed. Im beating myself up right now. I am hard on myself and my expectations arent too high. I dont have expectations, I take every day as a new challenge and I have not won the last few days.
I remember theres a used car dealership on Fort Street that always has some religious quotes they change every few weeks and last time I was home it said "You can never measure someone's faith until it's tested." Thats where I am at right now. I dont know if I am lacking confidence or faith or happiness or something but theres a solid part of who I am right now that is missing and feels like I am not whole.
I don't even know where to begin. Im sick of the "I cant wait for you to come backs" and then in actuality it is "sorry, i've got a thing...." I feel like shit about that like im some fucking pen pal. Sorry I gotta fly to New York or Boston or Washington DC or wherever the fuck everyone is because you cant come find me in Wyandotte when you are half a town over. This part of the job is stressing me out. So is the holiday season, I feel obsolete. I dont even want anything for Christmas. Not that it ever matters what I get because I know that isnt the point of the holiday. I dont even want anything so its useless anyways. I dont feel like anywhere is home. Damnit this is pessimistic. I must come off like a bitch. It doesnt matter, this is how I am so I dont want to sugarcoat it now. Motherfuck.
Happy Tuesday everyone.
I need a change of perspective. I was really optimistic for a while but now its back to cynical. It feels like for some people, hard work just doesn't pay off. Because you're fucking cursed. I feel it in my bones. You know the Greek myth about Sisyphus? Eternally cursed to push the boulder up the hill and when the boulder gets near the top, it rolls all the way back down. Im not Sisyphus, I feel like the damn boulder.
Right now, I am not happy with myself. I look in the mirror and Im pissed. Im beating myself up right now. I am hard on myself and my expectations arent too high. I dont have expectations, I take every day as a new challenge and I have not won the last few days.
I remember theres a used car dealership on Fort Street that always has some religious quotes they change every few weeks and last time I was home it said "You can never measure someone's faith until it's tested." Thats where I am at right now. I dont know if I am lacking confidence or faith or happiness or something but theres a solid part of who I am right now that is missing and feels like I am not whole.
I don't even know where to begin. Im sick of the "I cant wait for you to come backs" and then in actuality it is "sorry, i've got a thing...." I feel like shit about that like im some fucking pen pal. Sorry I gotta fly to New York or Boston or Washington DC or wherever the fuck everyone is because you cant come find me in Wyandotte when you are half a town over. This part of the job is stressing me out. So is the holiday season, I feel obsolete. I dont even want anything for Christmas. Not that it ever matters what I get because I know that isnt the point of the holiday. I dont even want anything so its useless anyways. I dont feel like anywhere is home. Damnit this is pessimistic. I must come off like a bitch. It doesnt matter, this is how I am so I dont want to sugarcoat it now. Motherfuck.
Happy Tuesday everyone.