do you ever want to die?

[hezzerbear]

My life is in the worst place I could have ever imagined it right now. I'm pregnant with the biggest loser I have ever met in my life's baby. I know I can't have one, so I'm planning on terminating, but I feel so alone and so empty. Taylor won't even act like he cares and he won't pay for half the abortion...he says its my fault, so I should pay for all of it. This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do and I feel like I am all alone. All I want is someone to tell me they will still love me...all I want is to feel like someone cares. All I want is to die. I don't want to kill myself or anything, I'd just like to fall asleep and not wake up. I dont want to have to deal with this and I don't want to feel crazy. I just want my life to be normal. I dont want to feel like running away every few days and I dont want to need something I can't grasp. I know I need something or someone, but I dont know what that thing or who that person is. I just need it so bad I can't breath. I need to feel like I'm not irrelevant, like my feelings matter. I need to feel like I don't deserve the way I'm treated or the things I settle for. I need to know that I, HEATHER MARIE ENGE, am worth while just for being me. I need to know that my life is worth more than I'm told it is by everyone around me, because I'm told it isn't worth much, be it their actions, the things they say or the things they don't. I need to not need anyone else's validation but my own. I need to love myself. I feel so GOD DAMN NEEDY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I hate myself for that....which is not a step towards loving myself, so here it goes again.....