fear is diminishing
I used to be afraid of something, but I'm not so afraid of it anymore. My high school career is coming to an end. And, as everyone knows already, and is probably sick of reading me talking about it, I want to be a priest really bad. (although there's plenty of stuff weighing on that thought, the most recent being I really don't have the strength it takes to be a good priest! so I need to really discern if Jesus is calling me. I don't this want to be some wild chase of some heroic desires or whatever, cuz that'll only end in disaster. I know if Jesus really wants me as a priest, He'll give me the grace to be a good priest. and the opposite is also true.) But I this desire is linked very closely with my involvement of YM. The desire to serve my Church and the love I have for my Church is also closely linked with my YM career. So I'd be afraid -- too afraid to think about it, even -- of what life would be after high school. Would I go sour? I've seen what college does to people. Would I turn into a worldly person? Would my desire for priesthood, the Church, and Jesus die down?
It's a scary thought! And it makes sense! Take away what I'm standing on, and what's left? I'd fall without YM, I was sure of it.
But... that fear isn't around anymore. Because I'm not standing on YM anymore. It certainly helps, but it isn't what keeps me going, what keeps the desires alive. Now it's something else, something that'll last my whole life. Prayer. More specifically, prayer before the Eucharist.
Prayer is my protection! And prayer is your protection. I was reading this kind of autobiography about a priest, and he said he always saw priests get so caught up in the business of being a priest, their prayer life would suffer. So he made up his mind to stick to his spiritual excercises (the biggest parts of that were the Rosary, Mass, and prayer before Jesus in the Eucharist) he had began in the seminary. And THAT's the key, right there. I was just reading that book Susan Conroy gave me (it is SO amazing!) about Mother Teresa, and it was the section on prayer. And like the first quote it had by Blessed Mother Theresa was: "The most important thing is pray, pray, pray!" And that's it! That's the key. To quote that priest, prayer is my protection. THAT'S how! That's how Christ will keep me safe from the world! That's how He'll keep me connected! If I stay united with Him in prayer, if I spend my time before Him in the Tabernacle every day and keep saying my Rosary and stay close to Mary, well, I won't have anything to worry about. Not the world, not myself (although that's been the hardest thing to overcome and it still hasn't, and probably won't ever, happen), not anything!
So the fear's gone. I don't know what the next years will bring. I don't know if Jesus is really calling me to be a priest or not. I hardly know what I'm going to do this afternoon. But I do know that if I have my Rosary in my pocket and my will to pray, then Jesus will show me the way and provide the grace I need, and I won't need to worry about anything. I'll only need to focus on Him, recieve His love, and share it with the world however He sees fit. Whether it be through priesthood, consecrated life, or (and I still haven't gotten over the fear of this :-P. which is kinda why I doubt my calling to the priesthood. but like I said, Christ will guide me) married life.
Isn't it an amazing calling? To give His love to the world? It's like... hardly concievable. It doesn't make sense that we should even HAVE His love in the first place! We're so unworthy! But still, He desires more than we could ever know just to be with us and fill us up with Himself, and then He calls us to take Him to the world! Amazing!
Ok, that's pretty much it. I should probably go eat lunch. And say a Rosary or something. Y'know, for the sake of consistency. ;) hehe. holy cow! this post turned out way bigger than I thought it would! and y'know what the funniest part is? you all read the whole thing.
It's a scary thought! And it makes sense! Take away what I'm standing on, and what's left? I'd fall without YM, I was sure of it.
But... that fear isn't around anymore. Because I'm not standing on YM anymore. It certainly helps, but it isn't what keeps me going, what keeps the desires alive. Now it's something else, something that'll last my whole life. Prayer. More specifically, prayer before the Eucharist.
Prayer is my protection! And prayer is your protection. I was reading this kind of autobiography about a priest, and he said he always saw priests get so caught up in the business of being a priest, their prayer life would suffer. So he made up his mind to stick to his spiritual excercises (the biggest parts of that were the Rosary, Mass, and prayer before Jesus in the Eucharist) he had began in the seminary. And THAT's the key, right there. I was just reading that book Susan Conroy gave me (it is SO amazing!) about Mother Teresa, and it was the section on prayer. And like the first quote it had by Blessed Mother Theresa was: "The most important thing is pray, pray, pray!" And that's it! That's the key. To quote that priest, prayer is my protection. THAT'S how! That's how Christ will keep me safe from the world! That's how He'll keep me connected! If I stay united with Him in prayer, if I spend my time before Him in the Tabernacle every day and keep saying my Rosary and stay close to Mary, well, I won't have anything to worry about. Not the world, not myself (although that's been the hardest thing to overcome and it still hasn't, and probably won't ever, happen), not anything!
So the fear's gone. I don't know what the next years will bring. I don't know if Jesus is really calling me to be a priest or not. I hardly know what I'm going to do this afternoon. But I do know that if I have my Rosary in my pocket and my will to pray, then Jesus will show me the way and provide the grace I need, and I won't need to worry about anything. I'll only need to focus on Him, recieve His love, and share it with the world however He sees fit. Whether it be through priesthood, consecrated life, or (and I still haven't gotten over the fear of this :-P. which is kinda why I doubt my calling to the priesthood. but like I said, Christ will guide me) married life.
Isn't it an amazing calling? To give His love to the world? It's like... hardly concievable. It doesn't make sense that we should even HAVE His love in the first place! We're so unworthy! But still, He desires more than we could ever know just to be with us and fill us up with Himself, and then He calls us to take Him to the world! Amazing!
Ok, that's pretty much it. I should probably go eat lunch. And say a Rosary or something. Y'know, for the sake of consistency. ;) hehe. holy cow! this post turned out way bigger than I thought it would! and y'know what the funniest part is? you all read the whole thing.