where is the edge (do you still love me?) (t-ara, soyeon/hyomin)
where is the edge (do you still love me?)
group: t-ara
pairing: soyeon/hyomin
length: ~5600w
“Are you coming to the mall with me tomorrow?”
Soyeon’s head cocks up upon hearing the question, the pencil between her fingers knocking against the paper in her lap rhythmically.
“For what?”
Hyomin gives her a look.
“To watch purple unicorns giving birth to baby unicorns, obviously.”
The redhead rolls her eyes. “Very funny.”
“I need to buy some things for school and if I’m already there, why not get some new clothes as well,” the blonde flashes a small smile as she plops down on the bed next to Soyeon, resting her chin on the older’s shoulder. “Why are you studying on a Friday afternoon?”
“Because tomorrow you want to drag me to the mall and then we have a party on Sunday?” Soyeon answers the question with another, her tone having a sarcastic color to it and Hyomin hums.
“I see. You have a point.”
Soyeon lets out a soft sound to acknowledge Hyomin’s words and then directs her focus back at the almost empty paper sitting on her crossed legs, determined to force back the heavy sighs that threaten to escape her.
“But you know,” Hyomin suddenly speaks again, though it sounds more of a purr as her breath lingers right at Soyeon’s neck, making her concentration nearly impossible, “you could really take a break and waste some time on me, too.”
The redhead pulls away slightly.
“Let me finish this and then I’m all yours,” Soyeon promises and turns her head a little to press a quick peck onto Hyomin’s lips. The blonde looks obviously disappointed; her lips curve downwards in an exasperated pout and she stares at her girlfriend with big, doe-like eyes.
“Yah… You’re always so cruel to me, Soyeon.”
Soyeon growls.
“Aren’t I much more interesting than that stupid essay on the French revolution?”
Another growl as Hyomin’s arms wrap around Soyeon’s waist and the blonde’s forehead is pressed against the older’s neck.
“Come on, you know I am.”
The sigh that leaves Soyeon’s lips is the sign of her defeat and she drops the paper and pencil on the bed, shoving it aside so that she could turn around and push Hyomin down on the bed, hovering over her and lips capturing the blonde’s impatiently and the younger appreciates her own victory with a smug half-smirk.
*
Soyeon stares at the blank expression on Hyomin’s face as she puts her phone down, the older’s fingers fidgeting with the plastic straw of her kiwi smoothie.
“I guess that means no party tomorrow?”
Hyomin slowly nods. “Yeah. I need to attend my grandma’s birthday party tomorrow. I don’t know why they changed the date to this week’s Sunday when they know perfectly that I have plans.” The girl sighs, her eyes averting back at Soyeon and her hand sliding over the other’s on the table. “But hey, you should still go. If I find out that you spent your Sunday hovering over textbooks and stupid essays, I’m going to kick you.”
Soyeon frowns and lets out an awkward giggle. “You know I’m not exactly the party-type. I’m only comfortable when you’re with me, too, because otherwise I’m just an awkward potato in the crowd. Or well, against the wall because I sure as hell am not diving right into the crowd alone. Or at the bar.”
“Oh come on, Soyeon, you don’t even drink,” Hyomin rolls her eyes and then puts her elbows on the table, placing her chin on her hands. “Please, go without me too, okay? Jihyun will probably be there anyway, just tag along.”
“We don’t even know each other that much, you know I would never want to be an annoying leech on anyone’s back.”
Hyomin whines. “You’re no fun at all, Soyeon. Why are we dating again?”
“Because despite me being no fun at all, you enjoy my irreplaceable presence more than anyone else’s,” Soyeon purrs mischievously, a half-smirk lighting up her face. “And because I have nice boobs.”
Hyomin stares at her girlfriend for a short while before bursting into laughter. “Yeah, obviously, the latter is the only reason.”
“Say that once more and you’ll never get to touch them again.”
“Okay, okay, I take it back,” Hyomin giggles and presses a soft kiss on Soyeon’s lips. “But seriously, go.”
Soyeon heaves a deep sigh. “We’ll see. Have fun at your grandma’s birthday party, alright? Tell her my greetings.”
“Certainly,” Hyomin nods and then stands up, throwing the strap of her bag over her shoulder. “Now, come on, we still have a few shops left!”
*
Soyeon has never been too much of a decisive person but she’s probably never debated as much as today before. She spent her entire morning and afternoon trying to decide whether she wants to attend that stupid party to fulfill Hyomin’s wishes or just stay home and come up with a lie and in the end she was hesitating so much she barely got there in time.
After several small talks with some students from the campus she barely knows, Soyeon ends up joining Jihyun’s company (Hyomin’s best friend since childhood, one of the biggest partyfaces in the college, also the resident princess and fashionista; Soyeon’s always been a tiny bit intimidated by her) and the older girl doesn’t seem to mind the younger’s presence, thankfully. Being Hyomin’s close friend, Jihyun knows almost as much about Soyeon as her girlfriend does so the older knows perfectly how much Soyeon loathes these kinds of events and does her best to prevent that from happening tonight. The younger appreciates the efforts, she really does; but Jihyun is not Hyomin and in the end, Soyeon really does end up at the bar. Jihyun offers her a round of tequilas but Soyeon kindly refuses to which the older only rolls her eyes and then decides to leave girl alone to her own misery (“I totally give up on you, girl!”).
She doesn’t know how much time she wastes doing nothing but sitting on the bar stool, enduring the constant curious glances she gets from the bartender guy who doesn’t seem to understand why someone sits down at the bar only not to drink but he seems to have a really good self-control because he doesn’t ask anything. Soyeon debates trying to call Hyomin but she really doesn’t want to bother her so she settles on reading over the history notes in her phone.
“What is a young and beautiful lady like you doing here all alone?”
Soyeon turns her head in the direction where the husky voice comes from and finds herself face-to-face to some guy she had seen around campus before but has no idea who he is.
“Um, excuse me?”
“Oh, you really do seem like you need some companion,” the guy says and chuckles, gesturing to the bartender. “Two whiskey, please!”
“I don’t drink,” Soyeon immediately announces and the guy gives her a weird look for a second but then he smiles.
“Never fear! A whiskey and orange juice, then,” he corrects his order and then turns back to look at Soyeon once again. “So, why are you alone again?”
“Because my greatness is infectous. I decided to keep my awesomeness only to myself so separated myself from everyone.”
The guy laughs whole-heartedly and for some reason, it satisfies Soyeon. “You’re witty. I like it.”
“Yeah, well, I like me too,” Soyeon says and then takes the glass of orange juice handed to her, finishing the whole thing in one long gulp. She tries to ignore the obvious fact how the boy keeps staring at her and trying to flirt.
“How about letting me some of your awesomeness, then?” the guy asks and inches a little bit closer to the girl who automatically pulls away.
Biting down on her bottom lip, Soyeon looks at the bartender. “You know what? Give me that whiskey,” she says in a determined voice and both the bartender and the stranger flash a victorious smile.
*
When she wakes up, her entire body is trembling; the headache starts exactly ten seconds after opening her eyes and Soyeon finds herself in a pitch black place. Squinting her eyes, she tries to get used to the darkness until she finally starts seeing outlines and she realizes that she’s in someone’s home. A sudden coldness crawling at her skin, Soyeon notices that she has no clothes on; and when her head turns a little, she sees that there’s a just as naked guy snoring next to her.
That’s when she panics.
Soyeon jumps out of the bed so fast it’s literally a miracle that the guy doesn’t wake up. A nauseated feeling suddenly overwhelms her and she has to cover her mouth in order not to throw up as she takes quick steps backward, away from the bed the sight of which sickens her to infinity and her mind goes all blank, the only thought being “RUN” in all capitals and spinning red in her head. She quickly picks up her clothes from the floor and puts all the pieces on carelessly, gathers her bag and phone and in the next minute she’s already on the streets.
It’s four am and Soyeon has no idea where she is at first until she finds the nearest bus stop; thankfully, she’s not too far away from the college dorms so she speeds up her steps and hopes that she meets no one dangerous while on her way, her thin sweater being extremely useless in the chilly weather.
Much to her satisfaction, the janitor doesn’t ask her any questions; he lets her in and then ignores the case of a student stumbling home at such an early hour in Monday morning (he’s probably used to it by now) and Soyeon is endlessly thankful.
She stops only when she’s already in front of her dorm’s door and she has to catch her breath.
And then she starts sobbing.
“You fucking idiot!” she whispers to herself, her hands reaching up to her face to cover it as if that would be enough to wipe away the same she feels in that very moment, her entire being wishing that this had only been a dream and nothing more; but even when she slaps herself in the face for the third time, she still doesn’t wake up so her tears multiply and she ends up sitting on the ground with her back against the wall and her dignity in a million pieces, guilt being her new best friend as she still tries to process the fact that she had cheated on the love of her life.
*
She’s awoken by an intense shake of her shoulders and Soyeon’s eyes pop open only to meet Hyomin’s curious and slightly worried eyes. The girl wants to back away, memories of last night appearing in her head but the wall is behind her - so she ends up hitting her head against the concrete that is then accompanied by a loud whine.
“Oh my god, what the hell,” Hyomin murmurs, wrinkles appearing on her forehead. “The hell are you doing outside the dorm?! Did you lose your keys?”
Soyeon is too dumbfounded to reply anything which provokes a whine out of Hyomin and then the blonde reaches under her girlfriend’s arms to help her up.
“God, did you get wasted last night? I thought you didn’t even want to go to the party!”
Soyeon growls something but it’s not audible enough and then she pulls away from Hyomin to show that she can stand on her two feet by herself. The headache from earlier is back in a much more intense form and Soyeon feels like dying.
“I… I don’t know,” she mutters, her voice weak as a flower that sways with every wind but of course, it’s a lie. It’s a lie and guilt is clasping at her throat because this is the first time she lies to her girlfriend and it’s a horrible feeling and all she wants right now is for the ground to split open under her and let her disappear.
*
It’s also the first time Soyeon has to skip classes and although it’s way too obvious that there’s something going on, Hyomin stops asking questions after Soyeon shakes her head and remains silent for the third time, leaving her girlfriend behind as she waddles off to attend her classes.
And oh boy, Soyeon is miserable. She can barely endure looking at Hyomin because she’s immediately reminded of last night and she knows that no matter how much she’ll try to forget, it’ll only get worse so after a while, she stops fighting it.
She’s still lying on the bed, helplessly and half-asleep when Hyomin returns from school and the blonde crawls into the bed next to her after putting away all her school stuff. She doesn’t say anything just snuggles close to the other girl, eyes focused on the redhead’s face that are so pale it makes Hyomin worry.
“Hey,” the blonde finally says but all she gets in return is a soft hum of acknowledgement.
Minutes pass without any of them saying a single word before Soyeon finally rolls over to her side to face Hyomin, her eyes slightly teary even though she tries to stop them; but all her efforts prove to be worthless so she might as well just show her girlfriend just how messed up she is.
But looking at Hyomin is a really bad idea, the lovely smile she’s getting and the deep brown eyes that are filled with nothing but genuine worry and a bit of sadness and it breaks Soyeon up to the point where she lets out all the tears, shoulders shaking vehemently even when Hyomin pulls her into an embrace and it just makes everything a lot worse.
She can’t hide it any longer, she can’t keep pretending as if there was nothing wrong, she can’t do this to Hyomin.
“I am so sorry,” Soyeon breathes into Hyomin’s shoulder but the blonde silences her with a soft “shush” and lets her girlfriend cry out everything that’s been building up inside, most of it being immense guilt and regret.
Hyomin doesn’t understand and the way her forehead wrinkles tells the same. Soyeon shakes her head, hands sliding over her cheeks to hide her shame as if that was enough to undo last night’s events.
“Yesterday I…”
*
It’s the fifth day and Hyomin still doesn’t talk to her but Soyeon can’t exactly say she blames her.
At least, finally she’s back to their room. Soyeon never said a word about it but the fact that Hyomin moved out of their room temporarily tore her into little pieces.
They’re still not jagged again, though. She knows that it’ll take a lot of time for the pieces to become a whole again and she also knows it’ll take longer for Hyomin than for her.
Hyomin never said she wants to break-up; but Soyeon can obviously figure it out herself that the blonde does not want to have anything to do with her right now. It’s all just silence and awkward tension whenever they’re in the room together and Soyeon isn’t sure for how long can she take it.
It’s the evening of the sixth day when Hyomin first speaks to her after almost a week of utter silence.
“Do you want some?”
Soyeon’s head jerks up so fast it makes her dizzy; she stares at Hyomin sitting on the bed with a pack of chips in her hand that she’s reaching out with before getting up from the floor and walking over with slow, careful steps. She nods her head in a barely visible manner and takes a few pieces from the bag before waddling back to the corner that has become her favorite place in the past days to get back to studying and mourning over her lost relationship with the love of her life.
She wants to cling to the opportunity; to take it and cherish it but she can’t think of anything proper to say besides something totally irrelevant and awkward so Soyeon chooses to stay quiet.
But the scrunching sound of the chips bag as Hyomin keeps digging her hand inside it is way too annoying for Soyeon to endure it.
“Is chemistry going well?”
Hyomin looks surprised when Soyeon speaks but her face is that and that only: surprised. The blonde pokes her tongue out a little, hesitating for a few seconds before shaking her head. “Not exactly.”
“Do you…” Soyeon starts but before she could finish, Hyomin smiles a little and nods.
“Please.”
Soyeon can barely process the word; Hyomin wants her to help her out which means she wants to interact. To talk. To do something together.
But when she finally processes it, she wears the biggest smile.
*
Soyeon’s hands are trembling when she holds the small piece of device in her hand, the thing that is about to determine her future.
But she’s way too scared to look at it and the shaking of her hands become so bad she ends up dropping the thing.
She does not look.
She does not want to know the answer.
Even though she already does. This can’t be the only reason for why her period is three weeks late but it’s the most likely.
And yet, Soyeon ends up running out of the bathroom, without confirming her fears by looking at the pregnancy test’s results.
*
“Soyeon.”
The redhead turns right away upon hearing her name; Hyomin is standing behind her, a worried expression settled upon her features.
“Yes?”
That’s when Hyomin lifts up her hand and Soyeon notices the small thing between her fingers.
She feels like fainting.
“Is this yours?”
Soyeon barely hears the question; her head is spinning from a million of reasons, one of them (and probably the most prominent) being the two lines on the pregnancy test’s tiny little screen.
By the time she regains her consciousness, Hyomin’s arms are around her, holding her tightly on the bed and in that second, Soyeon feels so great she wishes time would stop.
“Ssh,” Hyomin hums when Soyeon opens her eyes. She feels warmth against her cheek and it takes her a few seconds to realize that it’s Hyomin’s thumb brushing her skin.
“This is a nightmare, Hyomin,” Soyeon breathes and the blonde shushes her again.
“We’ll fix this.”
That’s the last thing she hears before the world turns black.
*
“I think you should have an abortion.”
Soyeon’s entire body trembles at the thought.
“I can’t do it.”
Hyomin growls in displeasure and rolls her eyes. “Yes, you can. Soyeon, you’re one of the top students on the entire campus and you’re aiming for scholarship to America. You can’t throw all this away because of a baby born out of a stupid irresponsible one-night stand you apparently cheated on your ex-girlfriend with.”
There are so many words in that one sentence that give Soyeon chest pains and she can’t say anything. She swallows, hard, her arms wrapping around her own body as she pulls up her knees to her chest.
“I can’t kill a living being. It’s also risky. What if it turns out bad and I’ll never be able to have kids later?”
“Screw you, Soyeon!” Hyomin snaps and her tone is so ridiculously angry it confuses Soyeon to her core. “You never had a problem with us not being able to have kids in the natural way before! Was all that a lie?”
Soyeon doesn’t exactly understand Hyomin’s words; what was a lie? It’s true she always said not being able to have kids together wouldn’t be a problem. But they aren’t together anymore. She cheated on her and that ruined both of them.
Why is she getting so worked up all of a sudden now, then?
“Nothing about our relationship was a lie,” Soyeon whispers quietly and her voice cracks at the end of the sentence.
Hyomin snorts. “Of course. That’s why you cheated on me, too, right?”
Soyeon doesn’t reply. She knows the answer; but she’s way too exhausted to say anything because she knows Hyomin wouldn’t believe her anyway.
What would be the point.
“Did you ever love me?”
Soyeon looks up, the broken expression on Hyomin’s face breaking her as well. Tears gathering in her eyes, she stares at the only woman she truly loves through the blurry waterfall and whispers, “I never stopped loving you.”
The corner of Hyomin’s lips twitch but it lasts only for a second and then Hyomin storms out of the room.
*
Soyeon’s face morphs into a rather unpleasant grimace as she looks through her school registry, her eyes focused on all the X’s she had managed to collect with her new-born tendency to skip classes and she realizes that she needs to stop. Her grades never started dropping but if she continues failing to attend classes, she (and her scholarship) will get into trouble and she can’t allow that to happen.
But is there even a scholarship for her anymore?
Her hand involuntarily slides over her tummy, and maybe it’s just her imagination, or some kind of psychological phenomenon but she feels warmth radiating from inside. There’s a brand new life forming inside of her and it could ruin her entire future. It could ruin her relationship with her parents. It could ruin everything.
But still, it would be her child.
How could anyone just ask her to abort one of her own blood?
Of course, she herself knows that if she let this child born, it wouldn’t have a good life. Soyeon has always found it essential that if someone planned to become a parent, they would also have to think of what kind of life they could provide their future child with.
Soyeon knew she could never give her child a life that it would deserve.
Is abortion the only solution?
As Soyeon sighs, she can literally feel her entire world falling apart and she, and only she is at fault for that.
*
Hyomin is late that night; Soyeon is somewhat worried, even though she knows that it’s no longer her business to know where her friend (how much that word hurts, jesus) spends her nights, but she just can’t help it. Is she okay? Did something happen to her? She could imagine the worst things.
It’s already four in the morning when Hyomin finally stumbles inside, much like a hurricane and Soyeon is quick to approach her which proves to be a great idea considering that the blonde literally falls into her arms. The stinking scent of alcohol wraps Hyomin’s entire being and it causes Soyeon to make a disgusted face as she drags her friend to the bed.
“Jesus, Hyomin, what are you doing?”
Hyomin murmurs something gibberish and rolls over, her hands grasping Soyeon’s shirt.
“Hyomin, what-“
“I’m sorry, Soyeon,” the blonde talks, her voice rather distorted and shaky as she speaks. “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you but you hurt me a lot and I wanted to punish you.”
“Hyomin, you’re drunk…” Soyeon bites down on her lower lip, carefully folding Hyomin’s fingers off of her shirt. “Go to sleep. We can talk tomorrow.”
“Nonononononono, listen to me,” Hyomin sits up, her hands grabbing Soyeon’s shoulder. “I never stopped loving you too. Please let’s start over. I know you still love me. I’ll support you and your baby even though I hate how it was produced. Please let me prove my love for you, I’ll help you with everything I swear even if you want to keep the baby.”
Soyeon feels like there’s a dagger piercing through her heart and being twisted around and around and around in her chest; the desire for those words to be true is almost unbearable but she knows that Hyomin won’t remember anything of tonight when she wakes up.
“Hyomin, stop talking. Go to sleep. Please…”
Then Hyomin cuts her off with a kiss.
It’s aggressive; not passionate at all, more like a silent begging for Soyeon to accept Hyomin’s offer of love but she herself is hesitant whether Soyeon would or not and that is exactly what that kiss signals.
And yet, Soyeon can’t help but kiss back. Her hands reach to cup Hyomin’s face and the kiss turns into something wild, something passionate that’s filled with all the unsaid words and hidden emotions and longing of these two for each other and when Hyomin pulls the redhead down on the bed with her, Soyeon doesn’t resist. Hands start roaming all over two heated bodies and it’s wrong but for some reason, it feels like the right thing to do.
And Soyeon wouldn’t want it any other way.
*
When she opens her eyes, Hyomin is already awake. The painful expression on her face is enough for Soyeon to know that she’s suffering from a horrible hangover; it’s a good thing that it’s Saturday and they don’t have school the next day, Soyeon thinks.
Then a cold breeze makes her realize that she’s completely naked under the blankets and memories of this early morning flood her mind in an instant. Ragged breaths, warm touches and lingering kisses fill her head and they are so overwhelming Soyeon has to take a deep breath.
She tears her gaze away to avoid looking at Hyomin.
But the blonde rolls on her side to face Soyeon, “Good morning.”
The redhead hesitates a little before returning the greeting and letting her eyes land on her face again.
Hyomin swallows.
“So, um…”
Soyeon quirks an eyebrow. “I guess you remember then.”
“I most definitely do,” Hyomin nods and she cracks a tiny smile. “It wasn’t really something you could easily forget, let’s be real.”
Soyeon feels herself flush at those words.
“I’m sorry,” she says, clearing her throat to get rid of the huskiness of her voice. “I shouldn’t have let you, you weren’t in your right state of…”
“I wanted this,” Hyomin interrupts her and Soyeon blinks in confusion.
“What?”
Hyomin chews on her bottom lip. “What I said yesterday, everything was true. It just seems I’m too much of a coward to tell it to your face unless I’m wasted…” there’s a short, awkward laugh but Soyeon only focuses on her words.
Everything was true.
True.
Everything.
Hyomin loves her.
Hyomin loves her.
Hyomin…
“Why are you crying?”
Soyeon’s sobbing is the only noise filling the room but it’s not an unpleasant sound; her tears are the results of happiness and as absurd as it sounds, she’s smiling. Hyomin’s completely confused and a hand reaches to touch the crying girl’s arm but instead, Soyeon inches closer and buries her head in the blonde’s chest.
“Hey…” Hyomin murmurs and Soyeon chuckles a little.
“I’m sorry,” she sniffs, pulling away to look at the other. “I’m just.”
“It’s okay,” the blonde whispers. “I think I know.”
Soyeon just nods.
“From now on, I’ll stand by you let it be about anything. We’ll get through this together and fix it, okay?”
And suddenly, Soyeon feels like everything is put back into its right place once again.
*
“Are you nervous?”
Soyeon gives Hyomin a look.
“Is that a serious question?”
Hyomin giggles a little and shrugs. “I mean, who knows…”
“I’m so fucking nervous you have no idea. Can’t you see my hands shaking?” she lifts up both of her trembling hands to demonstrate her problem.
“Woah, woah, look at that dirty word. Things just got real if you started swearing,” Hyomin laughs and Soyeon really doesn’t like how she is laughing at her.
She crosses her arms over her body.
“Try to be the pregnant girl and then we’ll talk.”
That silences Hyomin.
The waiting room is almost empty; there only person in front of them is the one in the doctor’s room right now and the nervousness in Soyeon grows with each passing second. She also really has to pee, but she can’t go to the toilet before getting the ultrasound examination, granted they are the next in the line.
Hyomin leans over to grab Soyeon’s hands resting on her non-stop moving legs and that calms the girl a little. Soyeon looks at her girlfriend, the sight of her giving her the courage to face this - after deciding to keep the baby, today is the first occasion where she actually has to face that fact and all the consequences and responsibilities that come with it.
She’s going to give birth to a child approximately six months later and that is about to change her life - entirely.
But it’s okay, because Hyomin promised to stay with her and help her through everything. And that’s more than enough.
Even though it’s bothersome; Soyeon can’t really get used to morning sicknesses (can anyone?) and although she’s never really cared about others’ opinions, she can’t totally ignore all the rumors of her gaining some weight (it’s barely even visible at eight weeks; Soyeon’s always amazed by some people’s observation skills) that circle around the campus. No one can know; but people guess and they talk. And it’s only a matter of time they start hitting the jackpot.
“Park Soyeon!” the shout comes suddenly when the assistant pokes her head out of the doctor’s room and Soyeon takes a deep breath.
“Time to go, honey,” Hyomin whispers and places a soft kiss on Soyeon’s temple before taking her hand and entering the doctor’s room together.
*
Soyeon holds the small picture in her hands, eyes focused on its content but not quite processing what she sees. There’s some sort of strange feeling of disbelief as she stares at the photo of her ultrasound results, the words “it’s a girl!” flashing violently like the sirens of a police car and slowly glueing onto the back of her eyelids.
“Didn’t you want a girl?” the voice comes from behind, just a second before they are followed by a pair of arms wrapping around Soyeon’s body.
“Yes,” Soyeon nods her head, a tiny smile appearing upon her lips. “I’m happy.”
“I wanted a girl too,” Hyomin purrs and then pecks Soyeon’s earlobe. “I’m really happy as well.”
Those words make Soyeon feel warm.
Hyomin pulls away, walking off to sit down on the bed. “So what did you and the dean agree on?”
“I go homeschooled when I start showing. So in about a month and a half, I guess,” Soyeon nods and slides a hand down her tiny bump, the baggy shirt she’s wearing camouflaging it. She waddles over to Hyomin and sits down next to her, leaning her head on the blonde’s shoulder. “The dean said it shouldn’t be a problem. I can’t be there at my graduation ceremony… well, unless I want to let people know I’m pregnant or I give birth before. But he said it’s not exactly a problem as long as I make sure to study diligently.”
“That sounds a lot better than what we expected, doesn’t it?”
Soyeon nods. “Yeah. The only thing I have to give up on is the scholarship. Unless…” she trails off a little. “Unless I want to bring my baby to America and find someone to look after her while I’m doing my internship. But I don’t want anyone else to spend more time with my baby than myself.”
“Do your parents still not talk to you?”
Soyeon shakes her head slowly.
“I could look after her,” Hyomin suggests but Soyeon shakes her head again, almost immediately.
“No. I ruined my own future, I’m not going to ruin yours,” she says and lifts her head to flash a smile at the other. “Thank you, though. But you can’t be dependant on me.”
Hyomin chews on her bottom lip. “At least let me go wherever you go. I want to stay with you as long as we’re together and you love me.”
Soyeon smiles. “Sure. We can totally be together.”
“We can fix this, remember?”
“I do.” Soyeon’s smile grows wider as she looks down at her tummy and then back at Hyomin. “But I don’t think there’s anything needed to be fixed anymore.”
*
“Injung! Come here! Now!”
She hears heavy footsteps approaching but the sound gradually becomes quieter and then dies out completely.
Soyeon turns around, hands on her hips as she notices a little figure standing a few meters away, blinking innocently with those huge, deep brown orbs of hers and a few strands of her hair brunette hair covering her face. She looks so pure, so innocent that Soyeon ends up sighing deeply as a sign of defeat.
Injung’s face is lit up by a smile soon and she rushes to Soyeon, hugging the woman’s legs and pressing her cheek against her skin.
“So mama isn’t mad at me anymore right?”
Soyeon rolls her eyes. “We’re not completely done yet, little missy.”
“But you’re not mad at me right now, are you mama?”
Soyeon hesitates a little before crouching down and hugging her daughter. “No. No I’m not.”
“The little jailbait was on it again?” comes an amused chuckle from the entrance of the kitchen and Soyeon looks up only to shoot a judging look.
“And for some reason you always disappear when that happens, Hyomin.”
Hyomin giggles again, putting down the paper bags from the grocery shop on the dining table before walking over to the hugging pair and placing a peck on each girl’s cheeks. “Hello, my princess.”
“Hello, mummy!” Injung chirps happily before ditching Soyeon and turning around to hug Hyomin instead; evoking a snort from the victim.
“I see how things are,” Soyeon stands up and crosses her arms over her chest, raising an eyebrow as the two girls laugh at her.
“But mama, you know I love you too!”
“Prove it?”
The little girl waves at Hyomin so the blonde picks up the four-year-old who spreads her arms and pulls Soyeon into a tight hug. The redhead, not being able to restrain herself anymore, bursts into a laughter and she hugs the two most important women of her life.
“So mamas, when are we going to Disneyland again?”
Soyeon and Hyomin both sigh at once.
group: t-ara
pairing: soyeon/hyomin
length: ~5600w
“Are you coming to the mall with me tomorrow?”
Soyeon’s head cocks up upon hearing the question, the pencil between her fingers knocking against the paper in her lap rhythmically.
“For what?”
Hyomin gives her a look.
“To watch purple unicorns giving birth to baby unicorns, obviously.”
The redhead rolls her eyes. “Very funny.”
“I need to buy some things for school and if I’m already there, why not get some new clothes as well,” the blonde flashes a small smile as she plops down on the bed next to Soyeon, resting her chin on the older’s shoulder. “Why are you studying on a Friday afternoon?”
“Because tomorrow you want to drag me to the mall and then we have a party on Sunday?” Soyeon answers the question with another, her tone having a sarcastic color to it and Hyomin hums.
“I see. You have a point.”
Soyeon lets out a soft sound to acknowledge Hyomin’s words and then directs her focus back at the almost empty paper sitting on her crossed legs, determined to force back the heavy sighs that threaten to escape her.
“But you know,” Hyomin suddenly speaks again, though it sounds more of a purr as her breath lingers right at Soyeon’s neck, making her concentration nearly impossible, “you could really take a break and waste some time on me, too.”
The redhead pulls away slightly.
“Let me finish this and then I’m all yours,” Soyeon promises and turns her head a little to press a quick peck onto Hyomin’s lips. The blonde looks obviously disappointed; her lips curve downwards in an exasperated pout and she stares at her girlfriend with big, doe-like eyes.
“Yah… You’re always so cruel to me, Soyeon.”
Soyeon growls.
“Aren’t I much more interesting than that stupid essay on the French revolution?”
Another growl as Hyomin’s arms wrap around Soyeon’s waist and the blonde’s forehead is pressed against the older’s neck.
“Come on, you know I am.”
The sigh that leaves Soyeon’s lips is the sign of her defeat and she drops the paper and pencil on the bed, shoving it aside so that she could turn around and push Hyomin down on the bed, hovering over her and lips capturing the blonde’s impatiently and the younger appreciates her own victory with a smug half-smirk.
*
Soyeon stares at the blank expression on Hyomin’s face as she puts her phone down, the older’s fingers fidgeting with the plastic straw of her kiwi smoothie.
“I guess that means no party tomorrow?”
Hyomin slowly nods. “Yeah. I need to attend my grandma’s birthday party tomorrow. I don’t know why they changed the date to this week’s Sunday when they know perfectly that I have plans.” The girl sighs, her eyes averting back at Soyeon and her hand sliding over the other’s on the table. “But hey, you should still go. If I find out that you spent your Sunday hovering over textbooks and stupid essays, I’m going to kick you.”
Soyeon frowns and lets out an awkward giggle. “You know I’m not exactly the party-type. I’m only comfortable when you’re with me, too, because otherwise I’m just an awkward potato in the crowd. Or well, against the wall because I sure as hell am not diving right into the crowd alone. Or at the bar.”
“Oh come on, Soyeon, you don’t even drink,” Hyomin rolls her eyes and then puts her elbows on the table, placing her chin on her hands. “Please, go without me too, okay? Jihyun will probably be there anyway, just tag along.”
“We don’t even know each other that much, you know I would never want to be an annoying leech on anyone’s back.”
Hyomin whines. “You’re no fun at all, Soyeon. Why are we dating again?”
“Because despite me being no fun at all, you enjoy my irreplaceable presence more than anyone else’s,” Soyeon purrs mischievously, a half-smirk lighting up her face. “And because I have nice boobs.”
Hyomin stares at her girlfriend for a short while before bursting into laughter. “Yeah, obviously, the latter is the only reason.”
“Say that once more and you’ll never get to touch them again.”
“Okay, okay, I take it back,” Hyomin giggles and presses a soft kiss on Soyeon’s lips. “But seriously, go.”
Soyeon heaves a deep sigh. “We’ll see. Have fun at your grandma’s birthday party, alright? Tell her my greetings.”
“Certainly,” Hyomin nods and then stands up, throwing the strap of her bag over her shoulder. “Now, come on, we still have a few shops left!”
*
Soyeon has never been too much of a decisive person but she’s probably never debated as much as today before. She spent her entire morning and afternoon trying to decide whether she wants to attend that stupid party to fulfill Hyomin’s wishes or just stay home and come up with a lie and in the end she was hesitating so much she barely got there in time.
After several small talks with some students from the campus she barely knows, Soyeon ends up joining Jihyun’s company (Hyomin’s best friend since childhood, one of the biggest partyfaces in the college, also the resident princess and fashionista; Soyeon’s always been a tiny bit intimidated by her) and the older girl doesn’t seem to mind the younger’s presence, thankfully. Being Hyomin’s close friend, Jihyun knows almost as much about Soyeon as her girlfriend does so the older knows perfectly how much Soyeon loathes these kinds of events and does her best to prevent that from happening tonight. The younger appreciates the efforts, she really does; but Jihyun is not Hyomin and in the end, Soyeon really does end up at the bar. Jihyun offers her a round of tequilas but Soyeon kindly refuses to which the older only rolls her eyes and then decides to leave girl alone to her own misery (“I totally give up on you, girl!”).
She doesn’t know how much time she wastes doing nothing but sitting on the bar stool, enduring the constant curious glances she gets from the bartender guy who doesn’t seem to understand why someone sits down at the bar only not to drink but he seems to have a really good self-control because he doesn’t ask anything. Soyeon debates trying to call Hyomin but she really doesn’t want to bother her so she settles on reading over the history notes in her phone.
“What is a young and beautiful lady like you doing here all alone?”
Soyeon turns her head in the direction where the husky voice comes from and finds herself face-to-face to some guy she had seen around campus before but has no idea who he is.
“Um, excuse me?”
“Oh, you really do seem like you need some companion,” the guy says and chuckles, gesturing to the bartender. “Two whiskey, please!”
“I don’t drink,” Soyeon immediately announces and the guy gives her a weird look for a second but then he smiles.
“Never fear! A whiskey and orange juice, then,” he corrects his order and then turns back to look at Soyeon once again. “So, why are you alone again?”
“Because my greatness is infectous. I decided to keep my awesomeness only to myself so separated myself from everyone.”
The guy laughs whole-heartedly and for some reason, it satisfies Soyeon. “You’re witty. I like it.”
“Yeah, well, I like me too,” Soyeon says and then takes the glass of orange juice handed to her, finishing the whole thing in one long gulp. She tries to ignore the obvious fact how the boy keeps staring at her and trying to flirt.
“How about letting me some of your awesomeness, then?” the guy asks and inches a little bit closer to the girl who automatically pulls away.
Biting down on her bottom lip, Soyeon looks at the bartender. “You know what? Give me that whiskey,” she says in a determined voice and both the bartender and the stranger flash a victorious smile.
*
When she wakes up, her entire body is trembling; the headache starts exactly ten seconds after opening her eyes and Soyeon finds herself in a pitch black place. Squinting her eyes, she tries to get used to the darkness until she finally starts seeing outlines and she realizes that she’s in someone’s home. A sudden coldness crawling at her skin, Soyeon notices that she has no clothes on; and when her head turns a little, she sees that there’s a just as naked guy snoring next to her.
That’s when she panics.
Soyeon jumps out of the bed so fast it’s literally a miracle that the guy doesn’t wake up. A nauseated feeling suddenly overwhelms her and she has to cover her mouth in order not to throw up as she takes quick steps backward, away from the bed the sight of which sickens her to infinity and her mind goes all blank, the only thought being “RUN” in all capitals and spinning red in her head. She quickly picks up her clothes from the floor and puts all the pieces on carelessly, gathers her bag and phone and in the next minute she’s already on the streets.
It’s four am and Soyeon has no idea where she is at first until she finds the nearest bus stop; thankfully, she’s not too far away from the college dorms so she speeds up her steps and hopes that she meets no one dangerous while on her way, her thin sweater being extremely useless in the chilly weather.
Much to her satisfaction, the janitor doesn’t ask her any questions; he lets her in and then ignores the case of a student stumbling home at such an early hour in Monday morning (he’s probably used to it by now) and Soyeon is endlessly thankful.
She stops only when she’s already in front of her dorm’s door and she has to catch her breath.
And then she starts sobbing.
“You fucking idiot!” she whispers to herself, her hands reaching up to her face to cover it as if that would be enough to wipe away the same she feels in that very moment, her entire being wishing that this had only been a dream and nothing more; but even when she slaps herself in the face for the third time, she still doesn’t wake up so her tears multiply and she ends up sitting on the ground with her back against the wall and her dignity in a million pieces, guilt being her new best friend as she still tries to process the fact that she had cheated on the love of her life.
*
She’s awoken by an intense shake of her shoulders and Soyeon’s eyes pop open only to meet Hyomin’s curious and slightly worried eyes. The girl wants to back away, memories of last night appearing in her head but the wall is behind her - so she ends up hitting her head against the concrete that is then accompanied by a loud whine.
“Oh my god, what the hell,” Hyomin murmurs, wrinkles appearing on her forehead. “The hell are you doing outside the dorm?! Did you lose your keys?”
Soyeon is too dumbfounded to reply anything which provokes a whine out of Hyomin and then the blonde reaches under her girlfriend’s arms to help her up.
“God, did you get wasted last night? I thought you didn’t even want to go to the party!”
Soyeon growls something but it’s not audible enough and then she pulls away from Hyomin to show that she can stand on her two feet by herself. The headache from earlier is back in a much more intense form and Soyeon feels like dying.
“I… I don’t know,” she mutters, her voice weak as a flower that sways with every wind but of course, it’s a lie. It’s a lie and guilt is clasping at her throat because this is the first time she lies to her girlfriend and it’s a horrible feeling and all she wants right now is for the ground to split open under her and let her disappear.
*
It’s also the first time Soyeon has to skip classes and although it’s way too obvious that there’s something going on, Hyomin stops asking questions after Soyeon shakes her head and remains silent for the third time, leaving her girlfriend behind as she waddles off to attend her classes.
And oh boy, Soyeon is miserable. She can barely endure looking at Hyomin because she’s immediately reminded of last night and she knows that no matter how much she’ll try to forget, it’ll only get worse so after a while, she stops fighting it.
She’s still lying on the bed, helplessly and half-asleep when Hyomin returns from school and the blonde crawls into the bed next to her after putting away all her school stuff. She doesn’t say anything just snuggles close to the other girl, eyes focused on the redhead’s face that are so pale it makes Hyomin worry.
“Hey,” the blonde finally says but all she gets in return is a soft hum of acknowledgement.
Minutes pass without any of them saying a single word before Soyeon finally rolls over to her side to face Hyomin, her eyes slightly teary even though she tries to stop them; but all her efforts prove to be worthless so she might as well just show her girlfriend just how messed up she is.
But looking at Hyomin is a really bad idea, the lovely smile she’s getting and the deep brown eyes that are filled with nothing but genuine worry and a bit of sadness and it breaks Soyeon up to the point where she lets out all the tears, shoulders shaking vehemently even when Hyomin pulls her into an embrace and it just makes everything a lot worse.
She can’t hide it any longer, she can’t keep pretending as if there was nothing wrong, she can’t do this to Hyomin.
“I am so sorry,” Soyeon breathes into Hyomin’s shoulder but the blonde silences her with a soft “shush” and lets her girlfriend cry out everything that’s been building up inside, most of it being immense guilt and regret.
Hyomin doesn’t understand and the way her forehead wrinkles tells the same. Soyeon shakes her head, hands sliding over her cheeks to hide her shame as if that was enough to undo last night’s events.
“Yesterday I…”
*
It’s the fifth day and Hyomin still doesn’t talk to her but Soyeon can’t exactly say she blames her.
At least, finally she’s back to their room. Soyeon never said a word about it but the fact that Hyomin moved out of their room temporarily tore her into little pieces.
They’re still not jagged again, though. She knows that it’ll take a lot of time for the pieces to become a whole again and she also knows it’ll take longer for Hyomin than for her.
Hyomin never said she wants to break-up; but Soyeon can obviously figure it out herself that the blonde does not want to have anything to do with her right now. It’s all just silence and awkward tension whenever they’re in the room together and Soyeon isn’t sure for how long can she take it.
It’s the evening of the sixth day when Hyomin first speaks to her after almost a week of utter silence.
“Do you want some?”
Soyeon’s head jerks up so fast it makes her dizzy; she stares at Hyomin sitting on the bed with a pack of chips in her hand that she’s reaching out with before getting up from the floor and walking over with slow, careful steps. She nods her head in a barely visible manner and takes a few pieces from the bag before waddling back to the corner that has become her favorite place in the past days to get back to studying and mourning over her lost relationship with the love of her life.
She wants to cling to the opportunity; to take it and cherish it but she can’t think of anything proper to say besides something totally irrelevant and awkward so Soyeon chooses to stay quiet.
But the scrunching sound of the chips bag as Hyomin keeps digging her hand inside it is way too annoying for Soyeon to endure it.
“Is chemistry going well?”
Hyomin looks surprised when Soyeon speaks but her face is that and that only: surprised. The blonde pokes her tongue out a little, hesitating for a few seconds before shaking her head. “Not exactly.”
“Do you…” Soyeon starts but before she could finish, Hyomin smiles a little and nods.
“Please.”
Soyeon can barely process the word; Hyomin wants her to help her out which means she wants to interact. To talk. To do something together.
But when she finally processes it, she wears the biggest smile.
*
Soyeon’s hands are trembling when she holds the small piece of device in her hand, the thing that is about to determine her future.
But she’s way too scared to look at it and the shaking of her hands become so bad she ends up dropping the thing.
She does not look.
She does not want to know the answer.
Even though she already does. This can’t be the only reason for why her period is three weeks late but it’s the most likely.
And yet, Soyeon ends up running out of the bathroom, without confirming her fears by looking at the pregnancy test’s results.
*
“Soyeon.”
The redhead turns right away upon hearing her name; Hyomin is standing behind her, a worried expression settled upon her features.
“Yes?”
That’s when Hyomin lifts up her hand and Soyeon notices the small thing between her fingers.
She feels like fainting.
“Is this yours?”
Soyeon barely hears the question; her head is spinning from a million of reasons, one of them (and probably the most prominent) being the two lines on the pregnancy test’s tiny little screen.
By the time she regains her consciousness, Hyomin’s arms are around her, holding her tightly on the bed and in that second, Soyeon feels so great she wishes time would stop.
“Ssh,” Hyomin hums when Soyeon opens her eyes. She feels warmth against her cheek and it takes her a few seconds to realize that it’s Hyomin’s thumb brushing her skin.
“This is a nightmare, Hyomin,” Soyeon breathes and the blonde shushes her again.
“We’ll fix this.”
That’s the last thing she hears before the world turns black.
*
“I think you should have an abortion.”
Soyeon’s entire body trembles at the thought.
“I can’t do it.”
Hyomin growls in displeasure and rolls her eyes. “Yes, you can. Soyeon, you’re one of the top students on the entire campus and you’re aiming for scholarship to America. You can’t throw all this away because of a baby born out of a stupid irresponsible one-night stand you apparently cheated on your ex-girlfriend with.”
There are so many words in that one sentence that give Soyeon chest pains and she can’t say anything. She swallows, hard, her arms wrapping around her own body as she pulls up her knees to her chest.
“I can’t kill a living being. It’s also risky. What if it turns out bad and I’ll never be able to have kids later?”
“Screw you, Soyeon!” Hyomin snaps and her tone is so ridiculously angry it confuses Soyeon to her core. “You never had a problem with us not being able to have kids in the natural way before! Was all that a lie?”
Soyeon doesn’t exactly understand Hyomin’s words; what was a lie? It’s true she always said not being able to have kids together wouldn’t be a problem. But they aren’t together anymore. She cheated on her and that ruined both of them.
Why is she getting so worked up all of a sudden now, then?
“Nothing about our relationship was a lie,” Soyeon whispers quietly and her voice cracks at the end of the sentence.
Hyomin snorts. “Of course. That’s why you cheated on me, too, right?”
Soyeon doesn’t reply. She knows the answer; but she’s way too exhausted to say anything because she knows Hyomin wouldn’t believe her anyway.
What would be the point.
“Did you ever love me?”
Soyeon looks up, the broken expression on Hyomin’s face breaking her as well. Tears gathering in her eyes, she stares at the only woman she truly loves through the blurry waterfall and whispers, “I never stopped loving you.”
The corner of Hyomin’s lips twitch but it lasts only for a second and then Hyomin storms out of the room.
*
Soyeon’s face morphs into a rather unpleasant grimace as she looks through her school registry, her eyes focused on all the X’s she had managed to collect with her new-born tendency to skip classes and she realizes that she needs to stop. Her grades never started dropping but if she continues failing to attend classes, she (and her scholarship) will get into trouble and she can’t allow that to happen.
But is there even a scholarship for her anymore?
Her hand involuntarily slides over her tummy, and maybe it’s just her imagination, or some kind of psychological phenomenon but she feels warmth radiating from inside. There’s a brand new life forming inside of her and it could ruin her entire future. It could ruin her relationship with her parents. It could ruin everything.
But still, it would be her child.
How could anyone just ask her to abort one of her own blood?
Of course, she herself knows that if she let this child born, it wouldn’t have a good life. Soyeon has always found it essential that if someone planned to become a parent, they would also have to think of what kind of life they could provide their future child with.
Soyeon knew she could never give her child a life that it would deserve.
Is abortion the only solution?
As Soyeon sighs, she can literally feel her entire world falling apart and she, and only she is at fault for that.
*
Hyomin is late that night; Soyeon is somewhat worried, even though she knows that it’s no longer her business to know where her friend (how much that word hurts, jesus) spends her nights, but she just can’t help it. Is she okay? Did something happen to her? She could imagine the worst things.
It’s already four in the morning when Hyomin finally stumbles inside, much like a hurricane and Soyeon is quick to approach her which proves to be a great idea considering that the blonde literally falls into her arms. The stinking scent of alcohol wraps Hyomin’s entire being and it causes Soyeon to make a disgusted face as she drags her friend to the bed.
“Jesus, Hyomin, what are you doing?”
Hyomin murmurs something gibberish and rolls over, her hands grasping Soyeon’s shirt.
“Hyomin, what-“
“I’m sorry, Soyeon,” the blonde talks, her voice rather distorted and shaky as she speaks. “I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry. I never meant to hurt you but you hurt me a lot and I wanted to punish you.”
“Hyomin, you’re drunk…” Soyeon bites down on her lower lip, carefully folding Hyomin’s fingers off of her shirt. “Go to sleep. We can talk tomorrow.”
“Nonononononono, listen to me,” Hyomin sits up, her hands grabbing Soyeon’s shoulder. “I never stopped loving you too. Please let’s start over. I know you still love me. I’ll support you and your baby even though I hate how it was produced. Please let me prove my love for you, I’ll help you with everything I swear even if you want to keep the baby.”
Soyeon feels like there’s a dagger piercing through her heart and being twisted around and around and around in her chest; the desire for those words to be true is almost unbearable but she knows that Hyomin won’t remember anything of tonight when she wakes up.
“Hyomin, stop talking. Go to sleep. Please…”
Then Hyomin cuts her off with a kiss.
It’s aggressive; not passionate at all, more like a silent begging for Soyeon to accept Hyomin’s offer of love but she herself is hesitant whether Soyeon would or not and that is exactly what that kiss signals.
And yet, Soyeon can’t help but kiss back. Her hands reach to cup Hyomin’s face and the kiss turns into something wild, something passionate that’s filled with all the unsaid words and hidden emotions and longing of these two for each other and when Hyomin pulls the redhead down on the bed with her, Soyeon doesn’t resist. Hands start roaming all over two heated bodies and it’s wrong but for some reason, it feels like the right thing to do.
And Soyeon wouldn’t want it any other way.
*
When she opens her eyes, Hyomin is already awake. The painful expression on her face is enough for Soyeon to know that she’s suffering from a horrible hangover; it’s a good thing that it’s Saturday and they don’t have school the next day, Soyeon thinks.
Then a cold breeze makes her realize that she’s completely naked under the blankets and memories of this early morning flood her mind in an instant. Ragged breaths, warm touches and lingering kisses fill her head and they are so overwhelming Soyeon has to take a deep breath.
She tears her gaze away to avoid looking at Hyomin.
But the blonde rolls on her side to face Soyeon, “Good morning.”
The redhead hesitates a little before returning the greeting and letting her eyes land on her face again.
Hyomin swallows.
“So, um…”
Soyeon quirks an eyebrow. “I guess you remember then.”
“I most definitely do,” Hyomin nods and she cracks a tiny smile. “It wasn’t really something you could easily forget, let’s be real.”
Soyeon feels herself flush at those words.
“I’m sorry,” she says, clearing her throat to get rid of the huskiness of her voice. “I shouldn’t have let you, you weren’t in your right state of…”
“I wanted this,” Hyomin interrupts her and Soyeon blinks in confusion.
“What?”
Hyomin chews on her bottom lip. “What I said yesterday, everything was true. It just seems I’m too much of a coward to tell it to your face unless I’m wasted…” there’s a short, awkward laugh but Soyeon only focuses on her words.
Everything was true.
True.
Everything.
Hyomin loves her.
Hyomin loves her.
Hyomin…
“Why are you crying?”
Soyeon’s sobbing is the only noise filling the room but it’s not an unpleasant sound; her tears are the results of happiness and as absurd as it sounds, she’s smiling. Hyomin’s completely confused and a hand reaches to touch the crying girl’s arm but instead, Soyeon inches closer and buries her head in the blonde’s chest.
“Hey…” Hyomin murmurs and Soyeon chuckles a little.
“I’m sorry,” she sniffs, pulling away to look at the other. “I’m just.”
“It’s okay,” the blonde whispers. “I think I know.”
Soyeon just nods.
“From now on, I’ll stand by you let it be about anything. We’ll get through this together and fix it, okay?”
And suddenly, Soyeon feels like everything is put back into its right place once again.
*
“Are you nervous?”
Soyeon gives Hyomin a look.
“Is that a serious question?”
Hyomin giggles a little and shrugs. “I mean, who knows…”
“I’m so fucking nervous you have no idea. Can’t you see my hands shaking?” she lifts up both of her trembling hands to demonstrate her problem.
“Woah, woah, look at that dirty word. Things just got real if you started swearing,” Hyomin laughs and Soyeon really doesn’t like how she is laughing at her.
She crosses her arms over her body.
“Try to be the pregnant girl and then we’ll talk.”
That silences Hyomin.
The waiting room is almost empty; there only person in front of them is the one in the doctor’s room right now and the nervousness in Soyeon grows with each passing second. She also really has to pee, but she can’t go to the toilet before getting the ultrasound examination, granted they are the next in the line.
Hyomin leans over to grab Soyeon’s hands resting on her non-stop moving legs and that calms the girl a little. Soyeon looks at her girlfriend, the sight of her giving her the courage to face this - after deciding to keep the baby, today is the first occasion where she actually has to face that fact and all the consequences and responsibilities that come with it.
She’s going to give birth to a child approximately six months later and that is about to change her life - entirely.
But it’s okay, because Hyomin promised to stay with her and help her through everything. And that’s more than enough.
Even though it’s bothersome; Soyeon can’t really get used to morning sicknesses (can anyone?) and although she’s never really cared about others’ opinions, she can’t totally ignore all the rumors of her gaining some weight (it’s barely even visible at eight weeks; Soyeon’s always amazed by some people’s observation skills) that circle around the campus. No one can know; but people guess and they talk. And it’s only a matter of time they start hitting the jackpot.
“Park Soyeon!” the shout comes suddenly when the assistant pokes her head out of the doctor’s room and Soyeon takes a deep breath.
“Time to go, honey,” Hyomin whispers and places a soft kiss on Soyeon’s temple before taking her hand and entering the doctor’s room together.
*
Soyeon holds the small picture in her hands, eyes focused on its content but not quite processing what she sees. There’s some sort of strange feeling of disbelief as she stares at the photo of her ultrasound results, the words “it’s a girl!” flashing violently like the sirens of a police car and slowly glueing onto the back of her eyelids.
“Didn’t you want a girl?” the voice comes from behind, just a second before they are followed by a pair of arms wrapping around Soyeon’s body.
“Yes,” Soyeon nods her head, a tiny smile appearing upon her lips. “I’m happy.”
“I wanted a girl too,” Hyomin purrs and then pecks Soyeon’s earlobe. “I’m really happy as well.”
Those words make Soyeon feel warm.
Hyomin pulls away, walking off to sit down on the bed. “So what did you and the dean agree on?”
“I go homeschooled when I start showing. So in about a month and a half, I guess,” Soyeon nods and slides a hand down her tiny bump, the baggy shirt she’s wearing camouflaging it. She waddles over to Hyomin and sits down next to her, leaning her head on the blonde’s shoulder. “The dean said it shouldn’t be a problem. I can’t be there at my graduation ceremony… well, unless I want to let people know I’m pregnant or I give birth before. But he said it’s not exactly a problem as long as I make sure to study diligently.”
“That sounds a lot better than what we expected, doesn’t it?”
Soyeon nods. “Yeah. The only thing I have to give up on is the scholarship. Unless…” she trails off a little. “Unless I want to bring my baby to America and find someone to look after her while I’m doing my internship. But I don’t want anyone else to spend more time with my baby than myself.”
“Do your parents still not talk to you?”
Soyeon shakes her head slowly.
“I could look after her,” Hyomin suggests but Soyeon shakes her head again, almost immediately.
“No. I ruined my own future, I’m not going to ruin yours,” she says and lifts her head to flash a smile at the other. “Thank you, though. But you can’t be dependant on me.”
Hyomin chews on her bottom lip. “At least let me go wherever you go. I want to stay with you as long as we’re together and you love me.”
Soyeon smiles. “Sure. We can totally be together.”
“We can fix this, remember?”
“I do.” Soyeon’s smile grows wider as she looks down at her tummy and then back at Hyomin. “But I don’t think there’s anything needed to be fixed anymore.”
*
“Injung! Come here! Now!”
She hears heavy footsteps approaching but the sound gradually becomes quieter and then dies out completely.
Soyeon turns around, hands on her hips as she notices a little figure standing a few meters away, blinking innocently with those huge, deep brown orbs of hers and a few strands of her hair brunette hair covering her face. She looks so pure, so innocent that Soyeon ends up sighing deeply as a sign of defeat.
Injung’s face is lit up by a smile soon and she rushes to Soyeon, hugging the woman’s legs and pressing her cheek against her skin.
“So mama isn’t mad at me anymore right?”
Soyeon rolls her eyes. “We’re not completely done yet, little missy.”
“But you’re not mad at me right now, are you mama?”
Soyeon hesitates a little before crouching down and hugging her daughter. “No. No I’m not.”
“The little jailbait was on it again?” comes an amused chuckle from the entrance of the kitchen and Soyeon looks up only to shoot a judging look.
“And for some reason you always disappear when that happens, Hyomin.”
Hyomin giggles again, putting down the paper bags from the grocery shop on the dining table before walking over to the hugging pair and placing a peck on each girl’s cheeks. “Hello, my princess.”
“Hello, mummy!” Injung chirps happily before ditching Soyeon and turning around to hug Hyomin instead; evoking a snort from the victim.
“I see how things are,” Soyeon stands up and crosses her arms over her chest, raising an eyebrow as the two girls laugh at her.
“But mama, you know I love you too!”
“Prove it?”
The little girl waves at Hyomin so the blonde picks up the four-year-old who spreads her arms and pulls Soyeon into a tight hug. The redhead, not being able to restrain herself anymore, bursts into a laughter and she hugs the two most important women of her life.
“So mamas, when are we going to Disneyland again?”
Soyeon and Hyomin both sigh at once.