(no subject)

[heypanda]

dearest kaelin and allie,
i know that i've been neglecting you.
it's not me.
i can't face the days anymore. there's something inside me.
something black.
something vicious.
something that's eating away at my insides slowly.
slowly, but surely.
there's an edge. i can see it.
i'm drawn towards it. all i can hope is that i survive the fall.
i love you both. with all my heart.
or what's left of it. what's left of what used to be me.
i know that i need to open my eyes.
i know that i need to see what's happening.
i don't have the strength.
all i can do is hope to be totally destroyed so that i can start again.
that's the only way.
wait for me. when i hit rock bottom i need someone to be there.
i love you. i love you. i love you.
never doubt it.

i'm taking the plunge.