Oh, being a Senior.
Senior night with the band was ridiculous. It was somehow completely different and exactly what I expected it to be, all that same time. It's weird to be in that spot, being the oldest. I remember being a freshman and seeing the seniors as being SO much older, and very unusually calm. But I don't feel that way.
Oddly enough, I didn't cry. I think I just put up this emotional wall, even when people were hugging me and telling me how much they were going to miss me next year... I just couldn't feel it. I don't know, I might have been really rude that night, but I have issues with lying to people, so I just acted the way that I felt: blank, disconnected. It was like I was completely missing the moral in some epic play that took someone four years and a billion rehearsals to write. When it came to the end of the game all I wanted to do was feel the moment, but it just wasn't there for me.
I took a second to think about what I was going to miss. No, it wasn't football games, it wasn't the uniform, it wasn't playing in the stands, it wasn't the campus, etc. I think what I'm going to miss is the feeling of the wet grass on the field in the middle of the night. It was that chill that you get from laying in grass. It was how small it makes you feel to look at the stars. It was the feeling of when you sneak out of your bedroom window, that terrified, thrilling, and altogether alive feeling. That feeling of: "My mother would kill me if she knew where I was right now."
I'm going to miss yellow. That awful color everyone turned underneath the mercury streetlights, that took away all other colors. When everything was stuck in hues of bright yellow to almost green. It was crazy, just how different that the world is to a bunch of fifteen year olds in the middle of the night. To be experiencing this completely new thing, with the underlying fear that you were going to get caught, simply for seeing it.
I'm going to miss walking for miles, with no real destination. Just for the sake of having something to do, because it sure as hell beat sitting around at home alone with an insomnia problem. I'm going to miss being capable of crying at any moment, not necessarily out of sadness, but out of being overwhelmed by everything that surrounds you. I'm going to miss sneaking around curfew. I'll miss sprinkler fights, park swings, sand, create-a-face pancakes, battle paint, and all the scrapes and bruises. I'm going to miss feeling like there's an elephant sitting on my chest, but that at the peak of an arc on a swingset, that elephant could step off, just a little bit. But that one liberating moment was enough to make me want to do it again and again and again forever.
I'm going to miss all the ridiculous things it took to pull ourselves out of a depression.
I understand that my official adulthood is quite far away,
But I'm positive that I'm not going to be any more mature then than I am now, and than I was a few months ago.
I just think that the one thing I'm going to miss is breaking all the little rules.
Oddly enough, I didn't cry. I think I just put up this emotional wall, even when people were hugging me and telling me how much they were going to miss me next year... I just couldn't feel it. I don't know, I might have been really rude that night, but I have issues with lying to people, so I just acted the way that I felt: blank, disconnected. It was like I was completely missing the moral in some epic play that took someone four years and a billion rehearsals to write. When it came to the end of the game all I wanted to do was feel the moment, but it just wasn't there for me.
I took a second to think about what I was going to miss. No, it wasn't football games, it wasn't the uniform, it wasn't playing in the stands, it wasn't the campus, etc. I think what I'm going to miss is the feeling of the wet grass on the field in the middle of the night. It was that chill that you get from laying in grass. It was how small it makes you feel to look at the stars. It was the feeling of when you sneak out of your bedroom window, that terrified, thrilling, and altogether alive feeling. That feeling of: "My mother would kill me if she knew where I was right now."
I'm going to miss yellow. That awful color everyone turned underneath the mercury streetlights, that took away all other colors. When everything was stuck in hues of bright yellow to almost green. It was crazy, just how different that the world is to a bunch of fifteen year olds in the middle of the night. To be experiencing this completely new thing, with the underlying fear that you were going to get caught, simply for seeing it.
I'm going to miss walking for miles, with no real destination. Just for the sake of having something to do, because it sure as hell beat sitting around at home alone with an insomnia problem. I'm going to miss being capable of crying at any moment, not necessarily out of sadness, but out of being overwhelmed by everything that surrounds you. I'm going to miss sneaking around curfew. I'll miss sprinkler fights, park swings, sand, create-a-face pancakes, battle paint, and all the scrapes and bruises. I'm going to miss feeling like there's an elephant sitting on my chest, but that at the peak of an arc on a swingset, that elephant could step off, just a little bit. But that one liberating moment was enough to make me want to do it again and again and again forever.
I'm going to miss all the ridiculous things it took to pull ourselves out of a depression.
I understand that my official adulthood is quite far away,
But I'm positive that I'm not going to be any more mature then than I am now, and than I was a few months ago.
I just think that the one thing I'm going to miss is breaking all the little rules.