mid day
wounding words
Today 12:20 pm Me : If you miss the bus, let me know I'm willing to go to El Monte
12:25 Him : I don't want or need charity
12:45 Him : And for the record I told you it was not a good weekend for me to come
12:51 Me : I don't know what to say
12:52 Him : What hurts me above all else is I tried to be intimate and sweet in the little bit of time I had left and as I was trying to manuver around while talking, you groaned loudly again
12:52 Him : Considering how little time we really had with one another
12:53 Him : It kills me that I have to wait on you to touch or caress me to know when it's an optimal time to do it
12:54 Him : In fear of being groaned at
12:57 Him : I tried making amends for the night before and we talked about it to a point because you just stopped me, you failed to really back up any claims against me, and I basically had to leave you alone for what little time we had before I had to leave
12:57 Him : I'll be honest I want to cry
12:57 Me : Before you said you wanted to kiss me, I was going to turn to face you and slip into your arms, but it seemed like you had something in mind, so I waited for you
12:57 Me : I love you
I love your kisses and caresses
In that second earlier, my body position didn't allow for weight to be put upon comfortably
12:58 Him : I'm so fucking hurt deep down
12:58 Him : Well it seemed otherwise
12:59 Me : I hanger trouble texting at your speed
13:01 Me : When I tried to reciprocate, but you didn't want to face me
You would have left with out even a tiny goodbye kiss had I not followed you out and tugged on you
13:01 Him : I know I was being an asshole the night before but come on man, I'm trying my best here
13:02 Me : It sounds like you want more from me, but I don't know what I can do or give that I don't already
13:02 Him : Whatever
13:04 Him : It seems like when I do it that you don't give a care in the world
13:05 Him : That I have to wait for you to reciprocate, however long that takes
13:05 Me : I often tell you I like your caresses and touches
13:05 Him : Didn't seem like it this weekend
13:05 Me : I feel like I often spontaneously kiss you and stuff
13:06 Him : You dont
13:06 Him : I feel like I do more of it than you
13:07 Me : I said I liked your hands many times this weekend
At Home Depot, the Chinese place, in bed
I kissed you lots on your side & neck & shoulder @ those places, too
13:09 Him : You told me to stop at the home depo and other places, you groaned many a time because I wasn't doing things or saying things you wanted to hear
13:09 Me : I cares your legs and shoulders and back and torso lots
I got out of the car at the bus station because I was so excited to kiss you hello
13:09 Him : Like this whole weekend made me feel like I was pressing fucking buttons
13:10 Him : Like I was the cliche little brother
13:10 Me : I'm not sure what you mean by pushing buttons or little brother
13:11 Him : .........
13:11 Me : I tried to tell you last night was fine last night even, but you didn't believe me
I don't think of you a annoying or a assjole
13:12 Him : Could've fooled me
13:14 Me : I feel like a broken record in asking what you want me to do or say or not do or not say that will help you feel my affection for you
13:14 Him : Not do those things
13:14 Him : It's so simple and obvious a concept
13:14 Me : So, when I'm uncomfortable, what should I do ?
13:15 Him : I dunno but groaning is really really bothersome
13:15 Him : I'm not here to police you on how to act
13:15 Him : Nor do I want to be
13:16 Me : So, what should I do when you groan ?
13:16 Him : When I groan, which is not nearly done half the time you do for the same reasons?
13:18 Him : I dunno, leave me be perhaps? I'll be more clear if I have to
13:19 Him : I won't just groan and say stop it nonstop with such a childish tone
13:20 Me : So, I'm childish now ?
13:22 Him : DidI say you were childish or that you use a childish tone under select circumstances
13:23 Him : Did I directly call you a child
13:25 Me : What goal do you have here?
13:26 Him : Don't deflect
13:27 Me : I would like for us to be successful in love
I want to be giving and ensure you feel good
13:28 Him : I would like that too
13:29 Him : I'm trying incredibly hard to be a good boyfriend
13:30 Me : I'd like us to feel comfortable talking
In Person
And not storm off, nor pout, nor shut down and not talk, nor try to prove the other is wrong
13:30 Me : I want us to collaborate more
13:31 Him : Are you implying thats all I ever do?
13:32 Him : That I pout, shut down, and try to make you feel wrong?
13:32 Him : Because that's super insulting
13:33 Him : And it hurts me more
13:33 Me : I'm not implying that I said us
We
I want us to not revert to those things
13:34 Him : I'd like to tell you how I feel without it getting twisted and mistaken for something else
13:35 Him : I want to be honest with you without any other distractions or topical changes
13:36 Me : I'd like to be able to ask about or seek codification about how you feel with out being told I'm dense or ” it's obvious”
13:36 Me : *clarification
Text isn't working for me
13:36 Him : I have never called you dense
13:37 Him : Where the fuck do you keep getting it that I'm at all implying you're dense
13:37 Him : Where
13:37 Him : Because it seems like a recurring issue
13:38 Him : Implying/calling you dense
13:39 Him : If anything, one thing you'll do is imply that some fact about something is different and inquire it to great lengths
13:41 Him : And I talked to you about it in the past
13:43 Me : So my desire is wrong ?
13:44 Him : Your desire to inquire in the way in which you do it, yes it's pretty intrusive when it happens
13:45 Him : But I don't know what you mean by your desire
13:48 Me : It's so simple and obvious a concept
13:48 Him : Hahahahahaha
13:49 Me : That's a quote from you a few mins ago
13:49 Me : I'd like to be able to ask about or seek clarification about how you feel or what you're saying with out being told I've missed the obvious
13:49 Me : I do not want to make you feel like I'm being intrusive
13:50 Me : My intent is to understand better or find solutions for things of concern or conflict
13:52 Me : Earlier you said you're trying hard to be a good boyfriend, which causes me to think that maybe you feel like I don't think you are a good boyfriend
13:53 Me : So, what I can I do to show you I like and love you ?
13:53 Him : That was more than a half hour ago
13:53 Him : Honey it gets tiring to have to explain every little thing
13:53 Him : And don't say its not often because it is
13:54 Him : There is nothing J can do to alleviate the confusion you have over many things because I don't want to always have to tell you the meaning behind every little thing
13:55 Him : I don't mind it normally but in repetition it's arduous
13:55 Me : So it is
13:58 Me : I don't know how I can simultaneously be too inquisitive and interested in your meanings , and also not give a care in the world
13:59 Him : There are some things I'm more privy to understanding than you, which is fine and understandable
13:59 Him : But its so much sometimes
14:00 Him : And lest we forget how I'm not the most sociable with my emotions
14:00 Him : That I have to remind you how it doesn't come as naturally to me as you may want it
14:01 Him : I don't mind your curiosity, but honey sometimes you just have to look and listen
14:03 Him : I say you don't care because this weekend I couldn't help but feel like a novelty of some sort despite my protests that I wouldn't want to be in your way with all the crazy shit going on
14:08 Me : Sorry my life is too full of crazy
14:16 Me : I thought you were helpful and nice
My mom appreciated your efforts and assistance
14:17 Me : I don't know what it feels like to be a novelty except in terms of newness or in reference to a toy
14:18 Me : I felt like you helped
And were not under foot nor slowing anything down
14:19 Me : I wish life were different
But my mom and I cannot change what occurred, we can only try to clean up the mess
14:21 Me : I am sorry if you felt pressured to visit, rather than my intent of reassurance that you would not be in the way, and would be welcome
14:21 Me : I do care
And I will try to pester you less
And let my curiosity sleep like a cat
14:30 Me : I would like to say that I hope our relationship is growing and feeling like a safe place where we can productively speak up about disappointments or anxieties
14:32 Me : I would like our individual negative feelings or unmet needs to not trigger conflict or drama, and neither of us would dismiss the other
14:33 Me : I apologize if it felt like I didn't think your concerns this morning were worth hearing or discussing
14:35 Me : I apologize for assuming you had a plan with regard to physical affection earlier
And hope my future caresses and kisses will be more noteworthy or memorable
14:37 Him : Well it just seems like you're sorry I know you or that you're the way you are
14:37 Me : I do want you to feel appreciated I do want to help fulfill your needs I want to have my love felt
14:38 Me : ug
text isn't working for me
I'm trying to express myself but this is awkward
I'm going to lie down, my cramps are bad
14:38 Him : Well I'm not entirely too sure how to express I love you without overstepping a boundary
14:39 Him : Why our relationship is feeling like it just started is beyond me
14:40 Him : We're still making boundaries clear and still not feeling it entirely with my caresses and the like
14:41 Him : That I'm giving it to you right and giving enough
14:42 Him : It hurts we still have to make these limitations
14:42 Him : I can't really talk but that's what's hurting
14:44 Him : I don't want claims like I'm not being a proper boyfriend and the like popping up in the heat of the moment because there are things I don't do right or wrong
14:45 Him : I don't want you misinterpretting what I say and taking it at your rendition of face value
14:45 Him : Because it ends up meaning/being something else entirely
14:46 Him : And feels like you're putting words in my mouth
14:47 Him : I don't want it to feel like I'm asking to turn yourself as a person all around just for my comfort
14:48 Him : I want to touch, caress, and fuck you but not when the timing is ill which happens a lot believe it or not
14:49 Him : But I don't want to wait for permission like I'm waiting for paperwork authorization to go through
14:51 Him : Or rather initiate on I'll terms
14:51 Him : Ill
14:52 Him : It pains me we have to be like this
14:54 Him : I have my not so cool moments but I'm giving my all with you because I want nothing less than for you to know every day that somebody out there thinks you're smart, gorgeous, and sweeter than sugar
14:54 Him : And irs not your mother
14:57 Him : Despite that it's difficult at times, that person gives 110% to you
14:59 Him : I've nothing more to say on the matter
15:05 Me : Enjoy the party
15:06 Him : Wow, really?
15:06 Him : Just
15:06 Him : Wow
15:09 Him : Maybe I should try exceedingly less or not at all then
15:12 Him : Maybe I should just be on my phone all the time when we're together and pay you no attention because clearly my feelings poured out to you mean nothing currently
15:12 Him : Its okay for you to do it bur when I do it, you just basically say "okay" like you do to most things
15:19 Him : Oh fun, you've either abandoned your phone or opted not to talk to me anymore
15:46 Me : You say you feel like the way you want to express love crosses a boundary so, there are things I do that cause you to feel like some of the things you do aren't happily received.
There have been things you do that cause discomfort, sometimes an accidental elbow, sometimes pawing me all over very quickly
I do like your hands
And I do not always like all the things they do to me
I can think of a few things my hands do that have caused you discomfort. I have adjusted the way I tickle you. I do not poke anymore. I do not tickle as much as I'd like because you've said you don't like it. I respect your preferences and have compromised to accommodate you
You, too, I think have done so for me
I think this is good and nice and beneficial for us
15:50 Him : That still doesn't change how nonchalant your response was but whatever, I'm going to go fuck off for now
15:50 Me : I tell you I like your caresses
I did so many times this weekend
So, are you saying my telling you, when you are caressing me that I like and am enjoying it, isn't enough?
15:51 Me : Why do boundaries and stating where and when each of us is uncomfortable bother you?
15:56 Me : I do not remember saying anything along the lines of you not being a proper boyfriend
I don't think I know what it means to be a proper boyfriend
15:58 Me : I would like to think we've mentioned the different aspects of dating that makes us happy, and to me, fulfilling those and joining together is what makes a proper partner and friend and lover
16:05 Me : about the seeming lots of ill timing for touching, caressing, and fucking ... maybe a couple thoughts
I do feel wanted by you
I hope you feel wanted by me
I feel like I touch you often and for a long time
Maybe you want different caresses, or maybe more explicitly sexual ones
Waiting for permission is kinda super important
Consent is a big deal for me
Just like I don't try to push myself on you when you're not feeling it
16:07 Me : I'm going to go lie down again to ride out this being drawn and quartered feeling [referencing my cramps]
16:32 Him : Well better than feeling accessorized, I'll tell you that much
17:09 Me : I can't imaging that sensation
I think of scarves and belts when I hear accessorize
Today 12:20 pm Me : If you miss the bus, let me know I'm willing to go to El Monte
12:25 Him : I don't want or need charity
12:45 Him : And for the record I told you it was not a good weekend for me to come
12:51 Me : I don't know what to say
12:52 Him : What hurts me above all else is I tried to be intimate and sweet in the little bit of time I had left and as I was trying to manuver around while talking, you groaned loudly again
12:52 Him : Considering how little time we really had with one another
12:53 Him : It kills me that I have to wait on you to touch or caress me to know when it's an optimal time to do it
12:54 Him : In fear of being groaned at
12:57 Him : I tried making amends for the night before and we talked about it to a point because you just stopped me, you failed to really back up any claims against me, and I basically had to leave you alone for what little time we had before I had to leave
12:57 Him : I'll be honest I want to cry
12:57 Me : Before you said you wanted to kiss me, I was going to turn to face you and slip into your arms, but it seemed like you had something in mind, so I waited for you
12:57 Me : I love you
I love your kisses and caresses
In that second earlier, my body position didn't allow for weight to be put upon comfortably
12:58 Him : I'm so fucking hurt deep down
12:58 Him : Well it seemed otherwise
12:59 Me : I hanger trouble texting at your speed
13:01 Me : When I tried to reciprocate, but you didn't want to face me
You would have left with out even a tiny goodbye kiss had I not followed you out and tugged on you
13:01 Him : I know I was being an asshole the night before but come on man, I'm trying my best here
13:02 Me : It sounds like you want more from me, but I don't know what I can do or give that I don't already
13:02 Him : Whatever
13:04 Him : It seems like when I do it that you don't give a care in the world
13:05 Him : That I have to wait for you to reciprocate, however long that takes
13:05 Me : I often tell you I like your caresses and touches
13:05 Him : Didn't seem like it this weekend
13:05 Me : I feel like I often spontaneously kiss you and stuff
13:06 Him : You dont
13:06 Him : I feel like I do more of it than you
13:07 Me : I said I liked your hands many times this weekend
At Home Depot, the Chinese place, in bed
I kissed you lots on your side & neck & shoulder @ those places, too
13:09 Him : You told me to stop at the home depo and other places, you groaned many a time because I wasn't doing things or saying things you wanted to hear
13:09 Me : I cares your legs and shoulders and back and torso lots
I got out of the car at the bus station because I was so excited to kiss you hello
13:09 Him : Like this whole weekend made me feel like I was pressing fucking buttons
13:10 Him : Like I was the cliche little brother
13:10 Me : I'm not sure what you mean by pushing buttons or little brother
13:11 Him : .........
13:11 Me : I tried to tell you last night was fine last night even, but you didn't believe me
I don't think of you a annoying or a assjole
13:12 Him : Could've fooled me
13:14 Me : I feel like a broken record in asking what you want me to do or say or not do or not say that will help you feel my affection for you
13:14 Him : Not do those things
13:14 Him : It's so simple and obvious a concept
13:14 Me : So, when I'm uncomfortable, what should I do ?
13:15 Him : I dunno but groaning is really really bothersome
13:15 Him : I'm not here to police you on how to act
13:15 Him : Nor do I want to be
13:16 Me : So, what should I do when you groan ?
13:16 Him : When I groan, which is not nearly done half the time you do for the same reasons?
13:18 Him : I dunno, leave me be perhaps? I'll be more clear if I have to
13:19 Him : I won't just groan and say stop it nonstop with such a childish tone
13:20 Me : So, I'm childish now ?
13:22 Him : DidI say you were childish or that you use a childish tone under select circumstances
13:23 Him : Did I directly call you a child
13:25 Me : What goal do you have here?
13:26 Him : Don't deflect
13:27 Me : I would like for us to be successful in love
I want to be giving and ensure you feel good
13:28 Him : I would like that too
13:29 Him : I'm trying incredibly hard to be a good boyfriend
13:30 Me : I'd like us to feel comfortable talking
In Person
And not storm off, nor pout, nor shut down and not talk, nor try to prove the other is wrong
13:30 Me : I want us to collaborate more
13:31 Him : Are you implying thats all I ever do?
13:32 Him : That I pout, shut down, and try to make you feel wrong?
13:32 Him : Because that's super insulting
13:33 Him : And it hurts me more
13:33 Me : I'm not implying that I said us
We
I want us to not revert to those things
13:34 Him : I'd like to tell you how I feel without it getting twisted and mistaken for something else
13:35 Him : I want to be honest with you without any other distractions or topical changes
13:36 Me : I'd like to be able to ask about or seek codification about how you feel with out being told I'm dense or ” it's obvious”
13:36 Me : *clarification
Text isn't working for me
13:36 Him : I have never called you dense
13:37 Him : Where the fuck do you keep getting it that I'm at all implying you're dense
13:37 Him : Where
13:37 Him : Because it seems like a recurring issue
13:38 Him : Implying/calling you dense
13:39 Him : If anything, one thing you'll do is imply that some fact about something is different and inquire it to great lengths
13:41 Him : And I talked to you about it in the past
13:43 Me : So my desire is wrong ?
13:44 Him : Your desire to inquire in the way in which you do it, yes it's pretty intrusive when it happens
13:45 Him : But I don't know what you mean by your desire
13:48 Me : It's so simple and obvious a concept
13:48 Him : Hahahahahaha
13:49 Me : That's a quote from you a few mins ago
13:49 Me : I'd like to be able to ask about or seek clarification about how you feel or what you're saying with out being told I've missed the obvious
13:49 Me : I do not want to make you feel like I'm being intrusive
13:50 Me : My intent is to understand better or find solutions for things of concern or conflict
13:52 Me : Earlier you said you're trying hard to be a good boyfriend, which causes me to think that maybe you feel like I don't think you are a good boyfriend
13:53 Me : So, what I can I do to show you I like and love you ?
13:53 Him : That was more than a half hour ago
13:53 Him : Honey it gets tiring to have to explain every little thing
13:53 Him : And don't say its not often because it is
13:54 Him : There is nothing J can do to alleviate the confusion you have over many things because I don't want to always have to tell you the meaning behind every little thing
13:55 Him : I don't mind it normally but in repetition it's arduous
13:55 Me : So it is
13:58 Me : I don't know how I can simultaneously be too inquisitive and interested in your meanings , and also not give a care in the world
13:59 Him : There are some things I'm more privy to understanding than you, which is fine and understandable
13:59 Him : But its so much sometimes
14:00 Him : And lest we forget how I'm not the most sociable with my emotions
14:00 Him : That I have to remind you how it doesn't come as naturally to me as you may want it
14:01 Him : I don't mind your curiosity, but honey sometimes you just have to look and listen
14:03 Him : I say you don't care because this weekend I couldn't help but feel like a novelty of some sort despite my protests that I wouldn't want to be in your way with all the crazy shit going on
14:08 Me : Sorry my life is too full of crazy
14:16 Me : I thought you were helpful and nice
My mom appreciated your efforts and assistance
14:17 Me : I don't know what it feels like to be a novelty except in terms of newness or in reference to a toy
14:18 Me : I felt like you helped
And were not under foot nor slowing anything down
14:19 Me : I wish life were different
But my mom and I cannot change what occurred, we can only try to clean up the mess
14:21 Me : I am sorry if you felt pressured to visit, rather than my intent of reassurance that you would not be in the way, and would be welcome
14:21 Me : I do care
And I will try to pester you less
And let my curiosity sleep like a cat
14:30 Me : I would like to say that I hope our relationship is growing and feeling like a safe place where we can productively speak up about disappointments or anxieties
14:32 Me : I would like our individual negative feelings or unmet needs to not trigger conflict or drama, and neither of us would dismiss the other
14:33 Me : I apologize if it felt like I didn't think your concerns this morning were worth hearing or discussing
14:35 Me : I apologize for assuming you had a plan with regard to physical affection earlier
And hope my future caresses and kisses will be more noteworthy or memorable
14:37 Him : Well it just seems like you're sorry I know you or that you're the way you are
14:37 Me : I do want you to feel appreciated I do want to help fulfill your needs I want to have my love felt
14:38 Me : ug
text isn't working for me
I'm trying to express myself but this is awkward
I'm going to lie down, my cramps are bad
14:38 Him : Well I'm not entirely too sure how to express I love you without overstepping a boundary
14:39 Him : Why our relationship is feeling like it just started is beyond me
14:40 Him : We're still making boundaries clear and still not feeling it entirely with my caresses and the like
14:41 Him : That I'm giving it to you right and giving enough
14:42 Him : It hurts we still have to make these limitations
14:42 Him : I can't really talk but that's what's hurting
14:44 Him : I don't want claims like I'm not being a proper boyfriend and the like popping up in the heat of the moment because there are things I don't do right or wrong
14:45 Him : I don't want you misinterpretting what I say and taking it at your rendition of face value
14:45 Him : Because it ends up meaning/being something else entirely
14:46 Him : And feels like you're putting words in my mouth
14:47 Him : I don't want it to feel like I'm asking to turn yourself as a person all around just for my comfort
14:48 Him : I want to touch, caress, and fuck you but not when the timing is ill which happens a lot believe it or not
14:49 Him : But I don't want to wait for permission like I'm waiting for paperwork authorization to go through
14:51 Him : Or rather initiate on I'll terms
14:51 Him : Ill
14:52 Him : It pains me we have to be like this
14:54 Him : I have my not so cool moments but I'm giving my all with you because I want nothing less than for you to know every day that somebody out there thinks you're smart, gorgeous, and sweeter than sugar
14:54 Him : And irs not your mother
14:57 Him : Despite that it's difficult at times, that person gives 110% to you
14:59 Him : I've nothing more to say on the matter
15:05 Me : Enjoy the party
15:06 Him : Wow, really?
15:06 Him : Just
15:06 Him : Wow
15:09 Him : Maybe I should try exceedingly less or not at all then
15:12 Him : Maybe I should just be on my phone all the time when we're together and pay you no attention because clearly my feelings poured out to you mean nothing currently
15:12 Him : Its okay for you to do it bur when I do it, you just basically say "okay" like you do to most things
15:19 Him : Oh fun, you've either abandoned your phone or opted not to talk to me anymore
15:46 Me : You say you feel like the way you want to express love crosses a boundary so, there are things I do that cause you to feel like some of the things you do aren't happily received.
There have been things you do that cause discomfort, sometimes an accidental elbow, sometimes pawing me all over very quickly
I do like your hands
And I do not always like all the things they do to me
I can think of a few things my hands do that have caused you discomfort. I have adjusted the way I tickle you. I do not poke anymore. I do not tickle as much as I'd like because you've said you don't like it. I respect your preferences and have compromised to accommodate you
You, too, I think have done so for me
I think this is good and nice and beneficial for us
15:50 Him : That still doesn't change how nonchalant your response was but whatever, I'm going to go fuck off for now
15:50 Me : I tell you I like your caresses
I did so many times this weekend
So, are you saying my telling you, when you are caressing me that I like and am enjoying it, isn't enough?
15:51 Me : Why do boundaries and stating where and when each of us is uncomfortable bother you?
15:56 Me : I do not remember saying anything along the lines of you not being a proper boyfriend
I don't think I know what it means to be a proper boyfriend
15:58 Me : I would like to think we've mentioned the different aspects of dating that makes us happy, and to me, fulfilling those and joining together is what makes a proper partner and friend and lover
16:05 Me : about the seeming lots of ill timing for touching, caressing, and fucking ... maybe a couple thoughts
I do feel wanted by you
I hope you feel wanted by me
I feel like I touch you often and for a long time
Maybe you want different caresses, or maybe more explicitly sexual ones
Waiting for permission is kinda super important
Consent is a big deal for me
Just like I don't try to push myself on you when you're not feeling it
16:07 Me : I'm going to go lie down again to ride out this being drawn and quartered feeling [referencing my cramps]
16:32 Him : Well better than feeling accessorized, I'll tell you that much
17:09 Me : I can't imaging that sensation
I think of scarves and belts when I hear accessorize