dead of night
Words wound
08/27/14 Him : Guess what we're watching this weekend
21:25 Me : ... Louie ?
21:26 Me : Oh, saw the pic
It didn't load at first
21:26 Him : Do you have corn in your eyes
(I started replying to his first message as his second comes in) 21:27 Me : Um
Only if...
... Oh hell no, Corn ?
21:27 Him : What sort of bone you picking with corn, little lady
21:28 Me : Thought your corn in eyes was not nice
21:29 Him : Corn is nice, what are you talking about
21:47 Me : I am fairly certain I'll be going to Malibu tomorrow evening I'd like to stay with you tomorrow night If you'll have me
21:50 Him : I'd love to have you but I'd also like to go to the open mic
We talk over the phone.
I learn the open mic starts around 7. Him insists that we cannot meet up at the open mic after I get out from my 7:30 appointment. Something about it being too far and traffic making it not worthwhile. I look at a map. I try to tell him that four extra miles isn't a deal-breaker, and the Hollywood spot might be easier to get to than his place because I can avoid the 1 and the 10 altogether, but, no, he insists. And then gets annoyed that I don't believe him, and do not seem to be listening.
He keeps mentioning that it'll take forever to get from his place to the open mic, and doesn't seem to hear me. He asks my preference for the evening. I tell him "meet you at the open mic, I guessing at about 9:30 and stay til 11 or midnight then go to your place." He says that's not an option since it'll take more than an hour to get to Hollywood (despite my reminding him that I do not have to take the route from Malibu to his place to Hollywood), and that we'd be leaving way too early making it not a worthwhile hang out since he normally stays til 2 or 3 am. The latter stumps me since I do not think of four or more hours as a brief meet-up, nor do I think an hour or more with me is too little with his friends.
I say I cannot stay til 3 am, I'll be too tired to drive, plus I have work the next day, so, we'd have to compromise and that a couple hours at the open mic will have to be good enough. I think I either didn't clearly state the couple of hours was the max time I could spend there, meaning that time chunk didn't specifically restrict him in any way.
I think he interprets that I'm saying the couple of hours time should be good enough for him with me in general, when I meant that's as much time as I could reasonably spend there. He goes on a tangent about things being good enough. He sounds insulted. I am confused.
I forget what else was said, except he asks again about my preference for the evening. The only options according to him were (1) either he doesn't go to the open mic and we get together at his place, (2) he goes to the open mic and I go to my home after my appointment. I tell him I think we can meet up at the open mic, and it'll be fine, and that we can sort it out more during the day. I tell him I'd have a couple hours and could hang at his place before I have to be in Malibu. I say, I need to sleep, since I had work in the morning, and we peter off.
Somewhere in the mix of the conversation, he said I'm telling him how he feels or something similar, and I tell him he's mistaken. The exchange lasts a while, and is also a somewhat common theme in the things he dislikes that he says I do. Asking if a person is maybe feeling X (because they are sounding that way but have not explicitly said so) is not the same as stating You Are Feeling X and Y, or any of the "you're too dumb/immature to recognize it" judgements. Checking in or being sensitive or mindful of a person's emotions or encouraging the sharing of thoughts is a far cry from presuming to tell the other what is being felt or telling her/him what s/he actually feels is incorrect or otherwise being controlling.
The exchange reminds me of a few other recent ones with a similar theme of proving I do not do something (steal Helen's keys, ate all the ice cream, and so on).
I post to FB "if only proving a negative was possible
"The ease of life and improved interpersonal relationships we'd all experience
"Glorious"
23:43 Me : PS I love you
And would love to be able to hang w/ your friends the entire evening ; and am wishing my meeting was earlier ; and sleep could be avoided ...
23:43 Me : ... and teleportation was real
23:43 Me : Good night
23:45 Him : Cool, let's talk about it Facebook while being as vague as possible, all while making light of the fact that your fucking boyfriend wants to spend more time with you than you just picking him up after a 15 min meet and greet after traveling fucking near 40 miles on a day and a nightcap where you'd just leave early in the morning despite having the weekend to look forward to
23:52 Me : Honey I do want to spend more time with you, as well
And you want to spend more time with your friends
And I want you to spend more time with your friends and we have to find a compromise if we want to have all those things
Like I said, I can be at Helen's as late as 1, which means leaving your place by 1215, I think
And I was not making light of your desire to be with me I was wishing for the impossible
23:56 Me : You say I tell you how you feel and I do not
And proving something I do not do is impossible just like it's not possible to prove I was not making light of you, nor us, nor this conversation
23:58 Him : Well, I've made my wishes known and your need to post about our shit on Facebook, as vague as it was, saddens me. I would never (nor have I) do that to you because I love you enough that I wouldn't embarass us both like that. Everything else pertaining to us being posted is not problematic; I ask that you keep our shit, our strifes, our issues off social media
23:59 Me : I hope, someday soon, you'll believe me when I say I'm trying to connect with you, and find out what you're thinking or wanting or feeling
And I'm not trying to manipulate you into feeling something, nor thinking something, nor putting words in your mouth
I ask
I wait for you to volunteer your thoughts
08/28/14 0:00 Him : Fine you asked for it
0:00 Him : I'm feeling fucking mad that you had to post about it on Facebook
0:02 Him : I'm fucking slightly annoyed that you won't tell me what of the other alternative options suits you best and that instead you'll just message me all very Impromptu-like
0:02 Me : My thoughts on FB were about proving a negative
About something not specific to you and I
It's a quintessential conundrum
0:02 Him : It bugs me when you say things like "I think you're probably x or x right now"
0:03 Him : The only real reason why you posted that was because of our phone convo
0:03 Him : You know it as well as I do they hold a strong relationship
0:03 Me : You are mistaken
0:03 Him : Fine then I fucking guess I am
0:05 Him : Any more little things that I am or am feeling because I can go all night just reading it
0:05 Him : Nothing would keep me so consistently aggravated at the moment
0:12 Him : It all falls under the same fucking category, dear; you're giving me all this crap about what you hear and what you feel is happening
0:12 Him : When really like I have mention at least three other times how much that shit bothers me
0:12 Me : Hm
So my thoughts are not worthwhile ?
0:13 Me : You'd rather I disregard any sign of emotion from you ?
0:14 Him : You're thoughts aren't worth while if you're guessing the emotion
0:14 Me : Well, why do you suppose I do that ?
0:14 Him : I'd rather you not ask or mention specifics
0:14 Him : Because I don't tell yoi
0:15 Him : And I don't tell you because I don't generally like talking about my feelings
0:15 Me : Yet, vague things that may or may not pertain to you bug you as well
0:15 Him : Stop denying it
0:16 Him : You can fucking meander me and call me paranoid but I'm not fucking retarded
0:16 Me : What suits me for tomorrow is not something I can determine right now
This exchange
And attack from you
Is filing my heart with sadness
0:18 Him : More like a retaliation against an immature and hurtful act that fills my heart with sadness
0:19 Him : And continuous little guesses that make me increasingly sad that I can't easily talk about my emotions to the point where you have to get them out of me by guessing
0:20 Me : Your issues with yourself seem to be causing rifts between us
0:21 Him : I'm not the only one with issues but it seems that way
0:22 Me : I have issues, too
As I've said before, I'm not very adept at identifying what I'm feeling or what others may be
0:22 Me : I have laid off the questions, as you requested
0:23 Him : Are you implying that we split until I can conquer my own issues?
0:23 Me : No darling
0:24 Me : I'm hoping you can or will want to try to talk about yourself as easily as you do characters
0:24 Him : That's what any sane person would do to with me
0:24 Me : Nice way to insult me
0:26 Him : Nice way to tell me my issues cause problems for us both
0:28 Me : Honey
Yes
Your issues
My issues
Our issues
Of course they cause bumps and disagreements and awkwardnesses
0:26 Me : Earlier, when you mentioned corn in the eye, I thought, jeez, auto sarcasm and not giving the benefit of the doubt
0:28 Him : It's not just me goddamn it
0:28 Me : ...but I also thought to myself, 'lighten up'
0:29 Him : Your issues seem to cause rifts between us was pretty visceral if ask me
0:30 Him : Another thing that makes me upset. Fucking. Amazing.
0:31 Him : Makes me feel so much like I'm doing a decent enough job at this boyfriend job
0:32 Me : I feel like text is garbling what I'm trying to say
0:33 Me : And probably what you're trying to say, too
0:33 Him : No I think it's saying just what you're trying to say
0:33 Him : And its saying what I want to say
0:34 Me : Cause I had to read your previous message a few times to get that you're being sarcastic about feeling like you're doing a decent job
0:35 Me : And I don't know what you mean by ' another thing' that upsets you
0:36 Him : It's as clear as day what upsets me
0:36 Him : In correlation to my expressing of feelings
0:38 Me : I don't know if my telling myself to lighten up was the other thing
The thing that also seems to annoy you: my 'lack' of humor
0:40 Him : Hahaha okay
0:42 Me : I might cry myself to sleep and I worry that'll make you glad, like I got my comeuppance
0:43 Him : You know what, forget it
0:43 Him : Forget all of it
0:46 Him : I'm sorry all of this makes you cry, but I've had my fill for tonight so I'm done trying to argue
0:46 Me : I'm sorry I said things that upset you
0:47 Me : I'm relieved you're not feeling like retaliating anymore
0:48 Him : I'm going to bed and probably going to the thing tomorrow. I will be at home most likely this weekend. You are free to join me whatever days whenever.
0:49 Me : I've been trying to keep a stiff upper lip but two tears fell
0:49 Me : I don't know what to do
0:50 Him : Stop crying and stay bold that's what
0:50 Him : I can't be there to always wipe away the tears and it tears me inside when I see you like that
0:51 Him : I'm sorry if I'm a dick but that's what it's like
0:51 Me : Stay bold ? You think I'm bold ?
0:52 Him : You can be if you work on it
0:54 Me : See, in you being a dick and that's that, I disagree
Attitude and behavior is often a choice
Like you say, ' if you work on it' Choose to be more than a dick
0:56 Him : What I'm really saying is while I look like I'm being an asshole, I'm being as blunt as possible and can be easily misconstrued as being an asdhole by many
0:56 Him : The only reason I said that was because I'm empathetic and self conscious
0:56 Me : Yet you loathe my bluntness
0:57 Him : Stephanie
0:57 Him : It is fucking 1am
0:57 Me : Honey I'm on your side
My phone's screen freezes up and I cannot text, nor make a phone call til I restart. The following messages I see once my phone is back on, just before I call him.
0:57 Him : I love you
0:57 Him : I'm tired
0:57 Him : I want to stop fighting
0:57 Him : I'm sad
0:57 Him : I'm annoyed
0:57 Him : I'm very hungry
0:58 Him : I want to do something more meaningful than continue to fight
0:58 Him : Like protest for world peace
0:58 Him : At 1am in my pajamas
0:59 Him : Just stop all of this shit, wash up, and go to sleep so you'll be somewhat awake during your long day
1:00 Him : If you don't I'm not answering my phone
1:00 Him : I am done for the night
We speak over the phone.
Clear up some of the miscommunications and hurt feelings.
08/30/14 16:03 Him : I'm still feeling sad over the other night and all the things I said to you
16:03 Him : But I want to work and resolve it with you
16:04 Him : As you want to do
16:04 Me : Good
I feel like I wasn't as sensitive and compassionate as I'd like and you deserve
16:05 Him : I just want you to know that I love you, haven't stopped loving you, and I farted one time very silently when we cuddled last weekend I think
16:05 Him : And the last thing I want is for you to feel neglected
08/27/14 Him : Guess what we're watching this weekend
21:25 Me : ... Louie ?
21:26 Me : Oh, saw the pic
It didn't load at first
21:26 Him : Do you have corn in your eyes
(I started replying to his first message as his second comes in) 21:27 Me : Um
Only if...
... Oh hell no, Corn ?
21:27 Him : What sort of bone you picking with corn, little lady
21:28 Me : Thought your corn in eyes was not nice
21:29 Him : Corn is nice, what are you talking about
21:47 Me : I am fairly certain I'll be going to Malibu tomorrow evening I'd like to stay with you tomorrow night If you'll have me
21:50 Him : I'd love to have you but I'd also like to go to the open mic
We talk over the phone.
I learn the open mic starts around 7. Him insists that we cannot meet up at the open mic after I get out from my 7:30 appointment. Something about it being too far and traffic making it not worthwhile. I look at a map. I try to tell him that four extra miles isn't a deal-breaker, and the Hollywood spot might be easier to get to than his place because I can avoid the 1 and the 10 altogether, but, no, he insists. And then gets annoyed that I don't believe him, and do not seem to be listening.
He keeps mentioning that it'll take forever to get from his place to the open mic, and doesn't seem to hear me. He asks my preference for the evening. I tell him "meet you at the open mic, I guessing at about 9:30 and stay til 11 or midnight then go to your place." He says that's not an option since it'll take more than an hour to get to Hollywood (despite my reminding him that I do not have to take the route from Malibu to his place to Hollywood), and that we'd be leaving way too early making it not a worthwhile hang out since he normally stays til 2 or 3 am. The latter stumps me since I do not think of four or more hours as a brief meet-up, nor do I think an hour or more with me is too little with his friends.
I say I cannot stay til 3 am, I'll be too tired to drive, plus I have work the next day, so, we'd have to compromise and that a couple hours at the open mic will have to be good enough. I think I either didn't clearly state the couple of hours was the max time I could spend there, meaning that time chunk didn't specifically restrict him in any way.
I think he interprets that I'm saying the couple of hours time should be good enough for him with me in general, when I meant that's as much time as I could reasonably spend there. He goes on a tangent about things being good enough. He sounds insulted. I am confused.
I forget what else was said, except he asks again about my preference for the evening. The only options according to him were (1) either he doesn't go to the open mic and we get together at his place, (2) he goes to the open mic and I go to my home after my appointment. I tell him I think we can meet up at the open mic, and it'll be fine, and that we can sort it out more during the day. I tell him I'd have a couple hours and could hang at his place before I have to be in Malibu. I say, I need to sleep, since I had work in the morning, and we peter off.
Somewhere in the mix of the conversation, he said I'm telling him how he feels or something similar, and I tell him he's mistaken. The exchange lasts a while, and is also a somewhat common theme in the things he dislikes that he says I do. Asking if a person is maybe feeling X (because they are sounding that way but have not explicitly said so) is not the same as stating You Are Feeling X and Y, or any of the "you're too dumb/immature to recognize it" judgements. Checking in or being sensitive or mindful of a person's emotions or encouraging the sharing of thoughts is a far cry from presuming to tell the other what is being felt or telling her/him what s/he actually feels is incorrect or otherwise being controlling.
The exchange reminds me of a few other recent ones with a similar theme of proving I do not do something (steal Helen's keys, ate all the ice cream, and so on).
I post to FB "if only proving a negative was possible
"The ease of life and improved interpersonal relationships we'd all experience
"Glorious"
23:43 Me : PS I love you
And would love to be able to hang w/ your friends the entire evening ; and am wishing my meeting was earlier ; and sleep could be avoided ...
23:43 Me : ... and teleportation was real
23:43 Me : Good night
23:45 Him : Cool, let's talk about it Facebook while being as vague as possible, all while making light of the fact that your fucking boyfriend wants to spend more time with you than you just picking him up after a 15 min meet and greet after traveling fucking near 40 miles on a day and a nightcap where you'd just leave early in the morning despite having the weekend to look forward to
23:52 Me : Honey I do want to spend more time with you, as well
And you want to spend more time with your friends
And I want you to spend more time with your friends and we have to find a compromise if we want to have all those things
Like I said, I can be at Helen's as late as 1, which means leaving your place by 1215, I think
And I was not making light of your desire to be with me I was wishing for the impossible
23:56 Me : You say I tell you how you feel and I do not
And proving something I do not do is impossible just like it's not possible to prove I was not making light of you, nor us, nor this conversation
23:58 Him : Well, I've made my wishes known and your need to post about our shit on Facebook, as vague as it was, saddens me. I would never (nor have I) do that to you because I love you enough that I wouldn't embarass us both like that. Everything else pertaining to us being posted is not problematic; I ask that you keep our shit, our strifes, our issues off social media
23:59 Me : I hope, someday soon, you'll believe me when I say I'm trying to connect with you, and find out what you're thinking or wanting or feeling
And I'm not trying to manipulate you into feeling something, nor thinking something, nor putting words in your mouth
I ask
I wait for you to volunteer your thoughts
08/28/14 0:00 Him : Fine you asked for it
0:00 Him : I'm feeling fucking mad that you had to post about it on Facebook
0:02 Him : I'm fucking slightly annoyed that you won't tell me what of the other alternative options suits you best and that instead you'll just message me all very Impromptu-like
0:02 Me : My thoughts on FB were about proving a negative
About something not specific to you and I
It's a quintessential conundrum
0:02 Him : It bugs me when you say things like "I think you're probably x or x right now"
0:03 Him : The only real reason why you posted that was because of our phone convo
0:03 Him : You know it as well as I do they hold a strong relationship
0:03 Me : You are mistaken
0:03 Him : Fine then I fucking guess I am
0:05 Him : Any more little things that I am or am feeling because I can go all night just reading it
0:05 Him : Nothing would keep me so consistently aggravated at the moment
0:12 Him : It all falls under the same fucking category, dear; you're giving me all this crap about what you hear and what you feel is happening
0:12 Him : When really like I have mention at least three other times how much that shit bothers me
0:12 Me : Hm
So my thoughts are not worthwhile ?
0:13 Me : You'd rather I disregard any sign of emotion from you ?
0:14 Him : You're thoughts aren't worth while if you're guessing the emotion
0:14 Me : Well, why do you suppose I do that ?
0:14 Him : I'd rather you not ask or mention specifics
0:14 Him : Because I don't tell yoi
0:15 Him : And I don't tell you because I don't generally like talking about my feelings
0:15 Me : Yet, vague things that may or may not pertain to you bug you as well
0:15 Him : Stop denying it
0:16 Him : You can fucking meander me and call me paranoid but I'm not fucking retarded
0:16 Me : What suits me for tomorrow is not something I can determine right now
This exchange
And attack from you
Is filing my heart with sadness
0:18 Him : More like a retaliation against an immature and hurtful act that fills my heart with sadness
0:19 Him : And continuous little guesses that make me increasingly sad that I can't easily talk about my emotions to the point where you have to get them out of me by guessing
0:20 Me : Your issues with yourself seem to be causing rifts between us
0:21 Him : I'm not the only one with issues but it seems that way
0:22 Me : I have issues, too
As I've said before, I'm not very adept at identifying what I'm feeling or what others may be
0:22 Me : I have laid off the questions, as you requested
0:23 Him : Are you implying that we split until I can conquer my own issues?
0:23 Me : No darling
0:24 Me : I'm hoping you can or will want to try to talk about yourself as easily as you do characters
0:24 Him : That's what any sane person would do to with me
0:24 Me : Nice way to insult me
0:26 Him : Nice way to tell me my issues cause problems for us both
0:28 Me : Honey
Yes
Your issues
My issues
Our issues
Of course they cause bumps and disagreements and awkwardnesses
0:26 Me : Earlier, when you mentioned corn in the eye, I thought, jeez, auto sarcasm and not giving the benefit of the doubt
0:28 Him : It's not just me goddamn it
0:28 Me : ...but I also thought to myself, 'lighten up'
0:29 Him : Your issues seem to cause rifts between us was pretty visceral if ask me
0:30 Him : Another thing that makes me upset. Fucking. Amazing.
0:31 Him : Makes me feel so much like I'm doing a decent enough job at this boyfriend job
0:32 Me : I feel like text is garbling what I'm trying to say
0:33 Me : And probably what you're trying to say, too
0:33 Him : No I think it's saying just what you're trying to say
0:33 Him : And its saying what I want to say
0:34 Me : Cause I had to read your previous message a few times to get that you're being sarcastic about feeling like you're doing a decent job
0:35 Me : And I don't know what you mean by ' another thing' that upsets you
0:36 Him : It's as clear as day what upsets me
0:36 Him : In correlation to my expressing of feelings
0:38 Me : I don't know if my telling myself to lighten up was the other thing
The thing that also seems to annoy you: my 'lack' of humor
0:40 Him : Hahaha okay
0:42 Me : I might cry myself to sleep and I worry that'll make you glad, like I got my comeuppance
0:43 Him : You know what, forget it
0:43 Him : Forget all of it
0:46 Him : I'm sorry all of this makes you cry, but I've had my fill for tonight so I'm done trying to argue
0:46 Me : I'm sorry I said things that upset you
0:47 Me : I'm relieved you're not feeling like retaliating anymore
0:48 Him : I'm going to bed and probably going to the thing tomorrow. I will be at home most likely this weekend. You are free to join me whatever days whenever.
0:49 Me : I've been trying to keep a stiff upper lip but two tears fell
0:49 Me : I don't know what to do
0:50 Him : Stop crying and stay bold that's what
0:50 Him : I can't be there to always wipe away the tears and it tears me inside when I see you like that
0:51 Him : I'm sorry if I'm a dick but that's what it's like
0:51 Me : Stay bold ? You think I'm bold ?
0:52 Him : You can be if you work on it
0:54 Me : See, in you being a dick and that's that, I disagree
Attitude and behavior is often a choice
Like you say, ' if you work on it' Choose to be more than a dick
0:56 Him : What I'm really saying is while I look like I'm being an asshole, I'm being as blunt as possible and can be easily misconstrued as being an asdhole by many
0:56 Him : The only reason I said that was because I'm empathetic and self conscious
0:56 Me : Yet you loathe my bluntness
0:57 Him : Stephanie
0:57 Him : It is fucking 1am
0:57 Me : Honey I'm on your side
My phone's screen freezes up and I cannot text, nor make a phone call til I restart. The following messages I see once my phone is back on, just before I call him.
0:57 Him : I love you
0:57 Him : I'm tired
0:57 Him : I want to stop fighting
0:57 Him : I'm sad
0:57 Him : I'm annoyed
0:57 Him : I'm very hungry
0:58 Him : I want to do something more meaningful than continue to fight
0:58 Him : Like protest for world peace
0:58 Him : At 1am in my pajamas
0:59 Him : Just stop all of this shit, wash up, and go to sleep so you'll be somewhat awake during your long day
1:00 Him : If you don't I'm not answering my phone
1:00 Him : I am done for the night
We speak over the phone.
Clear up some of the miscommunications and hurt feelings.
08/30/14 16:03 Him : I'm still feeling sad over the other night and all the things I said to you
16:03 Him : But I want to work and resolve it with you
16:04 Him : As you want to do
16:04 Me : Good
I feel like I wasn't as sensitive and compassionate as I'd like and you deserve
16:05 Him : I just want you to know that I love you, haven't stopped loving you, and I farted one time very silently when we cuddled last weekend I think
16:05 Him : And the last thing I want is for you to feel neglected