very special birthday fic: and great things like that
Title: and great things like that (~9,000 words) set some time after this.
Pairing: Ryan/Ronon (Pete/Patrick, John/Rodney, Ryan/food)
Summary: "Spencer! Spencer, did you get the right kind of chips this time? Remember, I wanted the ones with the ridges. They're better for scooping up dip. Spencer!"
Notes: Happy birthday, Bran! I hope your birthday was full of hugs and kisses, and you know, peace signs, and gr8 things like that. I love you, girlfriend. I think you're super delicious. I hope you enjoy the fruits of my labor. ~_~
If you're wondering, yes, this is exactly what you think it is. God help us all. To any readers who don't know what I'm talking about...I'm sorry in advance. Thank you to bluejbird and minor_fifth who let me ask them dumb questions about what should happen, and read over this ridiculousness. ♥ This is 100% ridiculousness, trust me.
This sort of messes with events that happened in season 5 of SGA. Mild spoilers, I guess.
Saying goodbye to Ronon is always just as hard on Spencer as it is on Ryan, because Ronon and Ryan do this thing where they try not to act like they're that upset, and then once Ronon is actually gone, Ryan kind of freaks out. Well, as much as Ryan ever freaks out, but Spencer has known him for almost twenty years, so he can tell what constitutes a Ryan Ross freak out. Now is one of those times, and Spencer isn't quite sure what to do. Ryan is curled up in the passenger seat of Spencer's car, staring out the window. He hasn't said a word in over an hour.
"He always comes back," Spencer finally says.
Ryan doesn't answer for a long time, and Spencer would maybe think he had fallen asleep if his shoulders weren't so tense.
"I know."
---
Ryan gets pretty regular emails from Ronon, ever since Sheppard taught him to type and use the computer.
dear Ryan,
how are you? i am fine. we have been very busy. sheppard fell down on our last mission and hurt his leg. mckay yelled at him a lot. he is actually yelling at him right now while i am trying to write. now he is yelling at me because i am using his computer. i have to go. i miss you.
love,
Ronon
Hello Ryan, it's Rodney McKay. Sorry to kick Ronon off and interrupt his email, but we do have very important work to be doing here, I'm sure you understand. Please give my regards to the rest of the
- shut up mckay he doesn't want to hear about;kkkljl;;;;; - So sorry about that, Sheppard is doing his best to be annoying as possible, as per usual. Now that he's temporarily a cripple, I think he feels the need to - talk to you later, ryan. bye.
Ryan laughs for practically an hour straight.
---
Soon after that, the emails stop. Ryan doesn't think too much of it at first, because Ronon has been saying that they're really busy...with whatever it is Ronon and his team do in their super secret government job. Sometimes a few days pass before Ryan receives a reply from Ronon, but it seems pretty standard. So Ryan isn't worried at first. But then a few days turns into a week, and a week turns into two weeks, and pretty soon, a month. This of course, because the universe sucks like that, coincides with Ryan barfing his guts out every morning. He thinks it's just stress, even though he has nothing to be stressed about. He knows nothing's wrong with Ronon. He knows that. Ronon's just busy. He's always come back. Maybe they're somewhere that doesn't have internet access.
Spencer is worried, Ryan can tell, and also sick of hovering over Ryan and rubbing his back while Ryan vomits his breakfast into the toilet. Ryan doesn't blame him, he's sick of it too. But Spencer didn't have to move in with him "just for awhile," so Ryan figures he deserves whatever he gets.
"Maybe I should go to the doctor," he mumbles as he collapses against the wall after his latest bout with nausea. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, and Spencer rolls his eyes and hands him a towel.
"I've been telling you that for two weeks now."
He has. Ryan hates it when Spencer's right.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'll go tomorrow."
Spencer glares.
"Today," Ryan amends, banging his head once on the wall with a dull thud.
---
"Are you," Spencer starts to say, and then stops. "Should I-"
He reaches out as if to take Ryan's arm, and Ryan snaps.
"Dammit, Spence, I can walk on my own, okay."
Spencer holds his hands out in surrender and shrugs. "Okay, okay, I know. I'm sorry, I just, I don't know what to say or do right now, so don't get mad at me for saying something dumb, how the hell should I know."
Ryan is biting his lip and twining the chain of his epi pen necklace around his index finger. "Let's just get out of here. Can we. Can we just go home?"
"Yeah, Ry," Spencer says, more gently than Ryan deserves. "We can do whatever you want. But we have to get in the car first."
"Fuck," Ryan whispers as Spencer backs out of the parking lot of the doctor's office. "Fuck."
---
Ryan sits on the couch with his laptop. He's typed two words into an email. hi ronon it begins, and there the cursor has sat for the last forty-five minutes.
"Are you going to tell him?" Spencer asks, daring to enter the living room for the first time since they'd arrived back about an hour earlier.
A snappy remark is on the tip of Ryan's tongue, but he bites it back. Spencer doesn't deserve that. He's just trying to help, and Ryan's snapped at him enough over the last month or so. "I'm trying to. I just. Don't know what to say."
"He needs to know." Spencer sits next to Ryan on the couch and stretches his legs out on the coffee table. Ryan frowns at him in a distracted way; he's too preoccupied to really care.
Ryan takes a deep breath and pulls the laptop towards him. "Will you...will you help me figure out how to," he starts but can't finish, and Spencer just scoots closer and presses a quick kiss to Ryan's temple before taking the computer and placing it on his own lap.
"I'll type."
---
"You're joking," Jon says.
"I'm not," Ryan answers.
"Ry, come on, you can't expect us to believe this," Brendon laughs nervously, like he's afraid that Ryan has gone insane. "You have to be kidding."
"He's not," Spencer tells them, and Ryan's not sure why, but they believe him. They always believe Spencer. Everyone does.
Brendon is the first one to actually say it. "So you're. Pregnant."
"Yeah," Ryan says, not sure how they're going to react.
Brendon just takes his hand. "It'll be okay," he says, confident.
"It will," Jon adds, and Ryan has never loved them more.
---
Ronon still hasn't emailed him back. Email is really not the best way to break that kind of news to someone, but it was the only option. Ryan hopes Ronon doesn't think it's some kind of joke, but Ryan would settle for a response, any response, rather than this silence. What if Ronon saw the email and now wants nothing to do with him? Why would he even want any part of this? He has a job to do, a job that doesn't really allow for him to have a kid that he needs to be taking care of. Ryan wouldn't blame him for ending things. For not wanting the baby. Their baby.
"Do you want it?" Spencer asks, like Ryan hasn't been asking himself the same thing ever since he found out.
"I...I don't know," Ryan says, because honestly, he doesn't.
Spencer is just about to say something else when there's a knock at the door. "I'll get it," he says instead.
When Spencer comes back into the room, he's looking confused and is accompanied by John Sheppard and Rodney McKay.
Ryan stands up. "What-" he starts to say, and then he takes one look at their faces and sits back down.
"Ryan," Sheppard starts to say, and Ryan doesn't want to hear it whatever it is.
"No," he tells them, "I don't-whatever you're going to- I don't want to hear it."
"Could we sit down?" Sheppard asks, and Ryan doesn't say anything so Spencer nods his permission and then joins Ryan on the couch.
Sheppard and McKay sit on the couch opposite them, and they look at each other for a moment before either of them says anything. Finally, they seem to reach some sort of agreement without saying anything, and turn back to Ryan and Spencer.
"We umm. We didn't want to have to do this," McKay starts out, and Sheppard interrupts him.
"Ronon is missing. We went on a mission about a month ago, and there were...complications."
Ryan wants to scream at them, but it just gets caught in his throat. Spencer takes over, his eyes narrowed.
"Complications. Care to elaborate on that?"
Sheppard's eyes are sympathetic, but Ryan just hates him so much right now, he can't even stand it. "I'm sorry, I wish we could, but it's-"
"Let me guess, classified," Spencer says dryly, his voice shaking with anger.
"I'm sorry," Sheppard says again, and his voice cracks on the second word. "We've been looking for him. Still are. We're not giving up. I don't leave anyone on my team behind."
Ryan just stares straight ahead, tries to pretend like this isn't happening.
Spencer takes a steadying breath, and Ryan can tell he's trying not to yell. "Great. So you came here to tell us that basically you can't tell us anything, but don't worry, because you're going to take care of it. That's just great, except oh yeah, where were you in the first place, when he mysteriously 'went missing'? Seems like you're really doing a bang up job-"
"Hey!" McKay yells, his jaw set and his eyes flashing. "That's enough, you little brat. You have no idea, how dare you-"
"It's okay, Rodney," Sheppard says tiredly, and he sounds so defeated that Ryan can tell Spencer automatically feels bad. "Look, Ryan, we would've let you know sooner, we just thought...we thought maybe we could find him before you had to know. But then we saw your last email-"
This jolts Ryan out of his trance. "What. You. You read."
Sheppard looks even more uncomfortable than he did before. "I'm sorry. We don't normally, it, ah. We just...ever since he...we've been checking, and then when we saw...that, we, uhh."
McKay takes over. "We decided it was time to let you know, because in case...in case we don't find him..."
"Until we find him," Sheppard corrects, and McKay nods hastily.
"Right, right, of course. We will find him, we just thought that in your...condition," he glances at Ryan quickly and clears his throat. "that you should probably know."
"You guys don't really seem that surprised," Ryan notes, because they really don't. Uncomfortable, sure, but not surprised.
McKay laughs lightly. "Well, in our...line of work, let's say, it takes a lot to surprise us."
Ryan places his hand over his stomach. He's not showing yet, there's not way you could even tell, unless you already knew, that there's a baby in there. Ronon's baby.
"Promise me you'll find him," he says.
They do. Ryan believes them.
---
McKay and Sheppard leave soon after that, but they promise to keep in touch with as many updates as they're allowed to give.
Ryan shuts the door behind them and turns to Spencer, who doesn't say anything, just waits.
"I want to. I'm going to keep it," Ryan tells him, and Spencer smiles.
"I knew you would," he says, and Ryan hugs him so hard he can barely breathe. Ryan doesn't cry.
---
Ryan calls Pete a few weeks later, and asks him to come visit. This is the kind of news that Ryan doesn't really want to give over the phone, especially to Pete. Luckily, Pete agrees without asking too many questions, and says he can be there in a few days. Ryan's just starting to show. He wonders if Pete will notice before Ryan tells him.
"Is Patrick coming too?" Ryan asks, and Pete pauses.
"I don't think so," he finally says, his words clipped. "We're sort of. I don't think Patrick really wants to go anywhere with me right now."
"Oh," Ryan starts to say, surprised, but Pete interrupts him.
"I mean, it's. It's no big deal. Whatever, I'll tell you when I see you."
"Sure," Ryan agrees, "but are you sure-"
"Gotta go dude, but I'll see you on Thursday okay? Love you."
Ryan's response is spoken to a dial tone.
---
When Pete arrives, he looks even more tired than he usually does. He hugs Ryan and smiles, apparently doesn't notice the weight Ryan has put on, and Ryan can tell there's something wrong. This is pretty much the last thing Ryan needs right now, to have a Pete crisis on his hands, but by the time Pete has been there almost twelve hours and hasn't mentioned Patrick's name once and keeps staring off into space moodily instead of actually watching their marathon of all the Home Alone movies, Ryan can't not ask.
"Pete," he says cautiously, and Pete turns to him and gives him one of those sad half smiles.
"Yes dear?"
"Pete," Ryan repeats, and Pete sighs and scrubs his face with his hand.
"Okay, fine. Patrick and I are having problems. He moved out. Just temporarily, but he said. He said he needed a break. From me, I guess," Pete shrugs, his shoulders hunched up. "I haven't talked to him in three weeks. I want to call him so fucking bad, I almost have about a thousand times, but he said he needed space, so. I'm not gonna push it. So, long story short, Ross, apparently I fucked everything up again, surprise. Guess it was good while it lasted. Anything else you want to know?"
Ryan's not sure if it's pregnancy hormones, or if guys even get those, but he's really upset by this, by Pete's defeated voice, and how he's acting like it's over, like he's not even going to try.
"Pete, you can't just. You have to call him," Ryan says, and even he is surprised by the urgency in his voice.
Pete looks up at him. "Dude, you okay? You look like you're gonna cry."
Ryan just might. "Just. Call Patrick. Tell him to come here, please, you have to-I really think you should."
"I told you, he doesn't want to talk me. If he wanted to talk to me, he would've called, and he hasn't. It's okay. We tried, and maybe it just wasn't supposed to work-"
Ryan isn't sure who is more horrified when he bursts into tears, Pete or himself.
---
It takes about twenty minutes for Pete to calm Ryan down enough to be able to understand what he's wailing as he sobs, and then another twenty minutes for Ryan to explain that Ronon is missing, and another thirty to explain about the whole pregnancy thing. By the time Ryan finishes, Pete is white as a sheet, and his eyes are so wide it's almost funny, except for how it's not funny at all.
"Fuck. If I'd known, I wouldn't have told you about my stupid fucking relationship problems, jesus, who even cares about that, you're-"
"I care," Ryan sniffles into a tissue. "Look, I know I sort of over-reacted because I'm a weirdo pregnant freak, but I really. Pete, I might never see Ronon again."
Pete starts to protest, but Ryan shakes his head. "No, it's true. I'm not delusional. Ronon might be dead, and I might have to raise this...thing by myself. So you're really going to let some stupid thing come between you and Patrick, when I'm sitting here knocked up and abandoned? Don't be a selfish fucking dick."
"But he-" Pete begins. "Oh shit, what am I doing. I'm gonna go call him."
He races out of the room, and Ryan smiles. Who knows how long this would've gone on if it hadn't been for him. Him and his abnormal child.
---
Ryan doesn't hear Pete's conversation with Patrick on the phone, but whatever he said must've worked, because Patrick shows up at Ryan's house the very next morning, looking exhausted and grumpy, but he's there. Ryan lets him in, and Patrick drops his bag next to the door.
"Where's-" he says, but then Pete is there, all but pushing Ryan out of the way - while he's pregnant, how inconsiderate, Spencer would freak out if he had seen that - and throwing himself into Patrick's arms.
"I'm sorry, baby, I'm so so sorry-"
"Shut up," Patrick says, and kisses him.
Ryan is happy, but watching them, the way Pete sighs into Patrick's mouth and Patrick's arms wrap around Pete's neck, Ryan misses Ronon so much he could kill both of them.
"I must ask that you not actually fuck in the entry way," Ryan announces, and then stomps into the living room to find his phone so he can tell Spencer, who is at the airport picking up Brendon and Jon, that they're going to have another guest and that he should bring some more food. The request for more food is only partially because of the guests they've suddenly accumulated; Ryan is ravenous all the time, and the last time Spencer went to the store, he didn't buy nearly enough barbeque potato chips.
---
"Seriously, Ryan, when your kid is born, I'm gonna tell it...him...her...whatever, that he/she/it is responsible for preventing me and Patrick from breaking up," Pete says later, when they're all outside on the patio. Jon and Spencer have been barbequing, and Ryan has to admit it's nice having everyone here.
"Yeah, well, you're both dumb asses, so someone had to do it," Ryan mumbles through a mouthful of food. He's on his third rack of ribs.
Patrick just laughs and lets Pete lean in and kiss him for the 43rd time that night. No, really. Ryan's been counting.
"I am going to vomit all over you," he tells them, but they're not listening.
Brendon steals some of Ryan's potato salad and ignores Ryan's annoyed growl. "So Ross, have you thought of any names for the baby yet?"
Ryan shrugs. He hasn't really. He doesn't want to think of names, because he doesn't know if Ronon would like them or not, and he doesn't want to think about having to name the baby without Ronon. Or doing anything involving the baby without Ronon.
"Name it Spencerina," Jon suggests, and Spencer throws a hot dog at him. It bounces off of Jon's shoulder and hits the ground.
"Hey, that's a waste of food," Ryan complains. "Give it to me, I'll eat it anyway."
"I'm not gonna let you eat a dirty hot dog," Spencer says, and Pete pulls away from kissing Patrick and starts giggling.
"Huuur huuuur," he laughs, "Can I eat your dirty hot dog, Spence?"
"No," Spencer and Patrick say at the same time, and that just makes Pete laugh harder, and causes Jon and Patrick to start. Of course, once Jon starts laughing, Brendon always does too, and that gets Spencer going, and Ryan tries not to, but Pete's laugh is just so stupid, he can't help it.
"I hate you all," he gasps through his laughter, and thinks maybe things are going to be okay.
---
"I think I'm going to take up knitting," Ryan decides a few months later. He no longer fits into his pants, and so he's sitting around wearing size like, XXXXL sweatpants and what he thinks technically counts as a sundress. He'd asked Pete to go to Target to pick him out some new clothes (which in retrospect was his first mistake) and he'd come back with a bunch of stuff that looks suspiciously like it came from the maternity collection.
"But you're into like, flowers and shit," Pete had shrugged when Ryan held up a flowy top with sunflowers all over it and glared.
So now he's dressed like a (gigantic) hippie tranny, and is completely bored, so taking up knitting seems like a logical choice.
Pete and Jon look up from their game of Connect Four; everyone one else is on a food run. Food runs really do now take three people, because they have to buy so much of it. Ryan thinks he eats as much as everyone else combined, which is an accomplishment, since he's only one person to their five. Everyone has decided to stick around the house, with the excuse that they don't have anything better to do, but Ryan knows it's just because they don't want to leave him alone, pregnant and abandoned. He's grateful, even if he does get annoyed at them several times a day. Especially when they eat his food.
"Knitting sounds good," Jon says. "Babies can always use booties and hats and stuff."
Pete's response is, "Huuuur, booties," and then, "Will you knit me a scarf? Will you knit Patrick a hat? Oh, connect four bitch!"
Ryan sighs.
The door opens. The others have returned with the food.
"Spencer! Spencer, did you get the right kind of chips this time? Remember, I wanted the ones with the ridges. They're better for scooping up dip. Spencer!"
---
Ryan tries not to think about Ronon too much. Even the good times, because he can't think about those times without thinking about how they might be the only ones. Mostly he thinks he's doing a good job of keeping himself distracted. He has his new knitting project to keep himself occupied, and a house full of crazy people to deal with. Everyone switches off accompanying him to his doctor's appointments, and basically getting him anything he needs without too much complaint. He has the best friends anyone could ask for. It's almost enough.
Today it's Pete's turn to take Ryan to the doctor. He's getting another ultra-sound. The first one, the one that confirmed he was pregnant, hardly looked like anything at all. Maybe this one will actually have more of a baby shape to it, and Ryan will finally be convinced that he's giving birth to a human and not some weird alien thing. Pete's really excited.
"I've never seen one of these things go on before. I mean, I don't know why I would have, but-"
"Okay," the doctor says. "Let's get started."
When she finds the right angle to get a clear view, or however it works, Ryan still has no idea, and points out his baby's head and feet and and fingers, Pete grabs his hand and squeezes it. Ryan squeezes back. It's his baby. Ronon's baby.
"I wish he could see this," Ryan whispers, and he can't even try to stop the tears that start rolling down his cheeks.
"He will," Pete whispers back.
---
When they get back to the house, there's an unfamiliar vehicle parked in the driveway.
"Who-" Pete starts to ask, but Ryan thinks he knows. A heavy feeling settles in his chest. It's suddenly hard to breathe.
He's right. Spencer meets them at door, looking anxious. McKay and Sheppard are back.
"They...they haven't said anything. Obviously they were waiting for you. I was sitting with them, it's been really fucking awkward. Everybody else ran outside."
Sure enough, Ryan can see Brendon, Jon and Patrick on the patio, looking like they're trying to have a guitar jam session but aren't enjoying themselves very much.
"Okay," Ryan says. "Okay, I'll go talk to them."
Pete and Spencer hesitate, like they're not sure what Ryan wants them to do.
"You two better go in there with me, or I'll never forgive you," Ryan tells them.
McKay and Sheppard are talking quietly. McKay's hand is resting on top of Sheppard's on the couch between their bodies, and Ryan almost feels bad interrupting them.
"Hi," he says hesitantly, and they both look up at once, and McKay moves his hand away.
"Oh my god, you're huge," he blurts out, and Sheppard jabs him in the side with his elbow. "I mean. You're. Very pregnant."
"Huh," Ryan says dryly, "I thought maybe something was up. No wonder my ankles are so swollen. It all makes sense now."
Spencer snorts in amusement, and then stops, like he just remembered what's actually happening. Ryan sits down on the couch across from McKay and Sheppard, just like he had months before, with Spencer on his right. This time Pete's on his left, and Ryan feels less alone, but he's never been so scared.
"Well," Sheppard begins. "We've made a lot of progress since the last time we were here. We recovered some information from some of our friends, that suggest that Ronon's been taken by a...certain group of people. A group we've encountered before. They used to be friends of Ronon's, but well, without going into too much detail, they're not anymore. The good news is that we know this now, and we've got intel from up until last month that Ronon was still alive."
"Was?" Ryan asks dully, and Spencer places his hand on Ryan's back.
"We have no reason to doubt that that's still the case," Sheppard assures him. "We're getting close. We can't tell you much more, but we just wanted you to know, that we haven't stopped looking for him since we left you the last time. And I'm confident-"
"We're confident," McKay interjects. "We all are."
Ryan nods. He wraps his hand around the epi pen around his neck and hopes and hopes and hopes.
---
Pete walks into the living room later to find Ryan watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and sobbing into the giant scarf he's been knitting for the last month.
"Oh yeah," Pete says, sitting down next to him on the couch. "I've seen this one. Don't worry, I cried, too."
Ryan wails and tucks himself against Pete's side, laying his head on his shoulder. Pete wraps his arm around Ryan's shoulder and puts his other hand on Ryan's stomach, rubbing gently.
"I want a house," Ryan sobs. "Ronon told me he'd build me a house, but now he's probably never coming back, and I'm going to be raising my freak of nature child all alone, and he's probably off somewhere with his secret family, building mansions for them!"
The family on screen is freaking out about their new house.
"Hey, c'mon, he's coming back, and he's not building mansions for a secret family, okay? John said he was kidnapped," Pete says, trying to be soothing, but reminding someone that their boyfriend got kidnapped is probably not the most reassuring thing to hear, because it just makes Ryan cry harder. Oops.
"I'm going to be alone, and I'm huge and ugly, and why do those people get a house, like why are they so special? I totally deserve it more."
Pete presses a kiss to the top of Ryan's head. "I'll build you a house. Promise."
Ryan sniffles into Pete's shirt. "With wood floors?"
"Absolutely. Whatever you want."
They watch Ty Pennington hugging people and yelling unnecessarily for a few minutes, and now Pete's even getting a little teared up again. Good thing Patrick's in the other room, or he'd be losing it right about now, but he'd probably rather die than admit that.
"But not Pergo," Ryan sniffles after awhile, and it takes Pete a few seconds to remember that they'd been talking about wood floors. "I hate Pergo," he says with a little hiccup.
"Got it," Pete replies.
"I got snot all over your shirt," Ryan tells him a few seconds later and Pete shrugs.
"I've had worse things on my shirt, trust me."
---
Another terrible thing about being pregnant, Ryan thinks, is how he's horny, like, all the time. He kind of thought the thing about pregnant women wanting to have sex constantly was a myth, but it's definitely not. And, of course, he happens to be the one guy in the entire universe who happens to get pregnant, and he has no one to satisfy his needs, because they guy who put him in this situation is inconveniently kidnapped at the moment, and there's no one else around.
Well, there are plenty of people around, but he can't have sex with any of them. Spencer is obviously out of the question, that would be like sleeping with his brother, and plus, Brendon probably wouldn't like that. And he can't have sex with Brendon, because Spencer probably wouldn't like that, either. Plus, he's Brendon. That's just weird. Jon has a girlfriend, and that's also just weird, even if he didn't. That basically leaves Pete and Patrick, and yeah, like that's ever going to happen.
"Are you okay?" Pete asks him in concern, because apparently he's sending off annoyed vibes that are even more powerful than usual.
No," Ryan spits out. "I am not okay."
Pete's concerned face immediately becomes even more concerned. "Do you need anything? Do you need to go to the hospital? Oh god, are you going into early labor? Oh my god-"
"No! If you must know, I'm incredibly sexual frustrated!" Ryan yells, and he thinks he hears Brendon let out a laugh from the kitchen.
Pete blinks. "Oh. That sucks, dude."
Trust Pete to state the glaringly obvious. "I am well aware that you don't understand what I'm going through, believe me. You aren't nearly as quiet as you think you are in that guest room."
Pete is now looking at Ryan sympathetically, like he really wants to do something to help. "I could...maybe, if you want-"
What? "What, if I want Patrick to murder me and my unborn child?" Ryan shrieks.
"Well, I'd obviously tell him," Pete says. "I could just. You know. Ask him if he minds."
Ryan stares at him for a second before bursting into laughter. Patrick will mind. Ryan doesn't see that conversation going well.
---
Patrick minds. "Pete, are you honestly asking me if it's okay if you give Ryan a blow job?"
Pete shrugs and looks at Patrick with those big puppy dog eyes that Ryan knows work so well. On pretty much everyone. "Well, just. As a favor! He's all alone and pregnant, and there's all these fucking crazy hormones, and he hasn't seen his boyfriend in months. And, it's not like I haven't done it before," Pete concludes.
"Oh, well in that case, I just feel like, it's weird, but. No," Patrick says, and then turns to glare at Ryan. "Was this your idea?"
"What do you think?" Ryan says, nodding towards Pete.
Patrick shrugs in agreement a few seconds later. "You're right, sorry, of course it was all him."
"I'm just trying to be a good friend," Pete sighs, put upon.
Patrick laughs. "Forget about me, what do you think Ronon would do if he found out?"
That seems to instill some terror in Pete. "Oh, right. Sorry Ryan, I tried."
"I know," Ryan says, patting him on the arm. "Thanks anyway."
He's just going to have to suffer a little while longer, until the baby is born. Or until Ronon comes back. Whichever happens first. Ryan hopes it's the latter.
---
Ryan finally allows himself to think about what will happen if Ronon doesn't come back, actually admits to himself that there's a possibility Ronon's just...gone. He'll be a single parent. In his early twenties. And he knows nothing about children. He's not even really sure he likes them all that much. Or that they like him. His little cousins always start crying when he tries to talk to them, or they just stare at him like he's crazy.
He still hasn't picked possible names for the baby yet, because doesn't feel like he should be the only one to do that. It's only half his kid. What if he picks names that Ronon doesn't like, and then Ryan names the thing, and then Ronon comes back, and hates his own kid's name. Ryan wonders if the baby will look more like him, or more like Ronon. And if the baby looks like Ronon, and Ronon never comes back, will Ryan feel sad whenever he looks at it? What if he can't even love this baby because of that, once it actually gets here? What if Ronon does come back, and he doesn't want a kid?
But Ryan knows that he wants the baby, even if- no, especially if, Ronon never comes back. If it's all he has left of Ronon, there's no way in hell he's going to give that away.
"I don't know if I can do this alone," Ryan tells Spencer one night as they're watching late night TV. Ryan's been having trouble sleeping recently. Partially because the baby keeps him awake, kicking up a storm, and partially because if he sleeps he'll have dreams about Ronon, and even the good dreams make him sad.
"Good thing you won't have to, then," is Spencer's answer, and as if in response, the baby starts kicking again.
"He's kicking a lot tonight," Ryan grimaces. "Little bastard. Here, feel it." He grabs Spencer's hand and places it on his stomach.
Spencer starts, and then grins, his entire face lighting up. "Wow. That's awesome."
"Yeah, awesome, maybe you should try it happening to your stomach non-stop for an hour," Ryan complains, but it really kind of is.
He won't ever really be alone in this. And he knows he can do it without Ronon. He just doesn't want to.
---
"This baby's gonna be a musical genius, I can feel it," Brendon informs Ryan.
"Or like, a martial arts expert," Pete adds. "Or maybe both."
"Do you think it's a boy or a girl?" Brendon asks, putting his hand on Ryan's stomach contemplatively, like there's some way that's going to help him figure out the baby's sex.
"No idea," Ryan says. He thinks it's funny that he's gotten used to everybody manhandling him, though. "Hey Wentz, why don't you make yourself useful and go get me some chips. The sour cream and onion ones. With the ranch dip."
Pete makes a face, either at being ordered around, or Ryan eating sour cream and onion potato chips with ranch dip, but goes into the kitchen anyway. He comes back a few seconds later empty handed. "Umm. I think. The chips are gone." He announces this like someone just robbed the house and stole all the valuables.
"What do you mean, the chips are gone?" Ryan had specifically asked Spencer to buy more chips yesterday. If he didn't do that, Ryan is going to kill-
Jon walks in just then, holding a mostly empty bag of sour cream and onion potato chips and munching on one obliviously. "Hey guys," he says. Everyone stares at him.
"I'm going to kill you," Ryan shrieks, and attempts to jump off the couch to go strangle Jon, but it turns out that's pretty hard when you're pregnant.
"What? Oh. Sorry, Ryan, I got hungry," Jon says apologetically.
"Sorry isn't good enough," Ryan tells him, doesn't bother trying to get up again,but apparently is threatening enough that Jon offers to drive to the store right away to buy more chips, and anything else Ryan wants. Which means Ryan will have to wait at least fifteen minutes before he can eat.
His life is so hard.
---
"Spencer! Spencer!" Ryan is really fucking freaked out. He wakes up with ridiculous pain, and he though he obviously has no idea what going into labor feels like, he thinks it probably feels a lot like that.
Spencer comes running in to his room, so quickly that Ryan can tell he wasn't sleeping. "What? What is it? Ryan, are you okay?"
"I think. I think I need to go to the hospital," Ryan gasps, and winces when another wave of pain hits him.
Spencer nods, eyes wide. "Okay. Okay, let me just. I'll go get the car, and-"
"No, don't leave me!" Ryan yells.
Pete and Patrick appear at the door, and Ryan can see Brendon and Jon right behind them. "What's going on," Pete says, and Spencer pushes him into the room.
"We're taking him to the hospital. Stay with him while I go get the car and then bring him downstairs. Okay? Pete. Pete, can you-"
"Yeah, I got it, Spence, go."
Spencer takes off running down the hall, and Pete approaches Ryan cautiously. Patrick stands back and wrings his hands nervously, like he's not sure what he should do.
"Okay, Ry, do you think you can walk?" Pete asks, and helps Ryan maneuver so that he can get his feet on the ground.
Ryan nods, even though he's practically doubled over.
"Good, that's awesome. You're awesome. 'Trick, come help me with him," Pete says, and Patrick comes over, and somehow they manage to get Ryan standing and out of the bedroom and down the stairs. Brendon and Jon run around grabbing various items and holding open doors and Ryan doesn't even know, he can barely focus on anything. The next thing he knows he's sitting in the back seat of Spencer's car with Pete by his side. Patrick's in the front, and Brendon and Jon are following in Ryan's car.
"Pete," Ryan manages to say, and Pete stops frantically talking with Spencer and Patrick about the quickest way to get to the hospital to turn to Ryan.
"What's up, kid?" he responds, falsely casual, like they're just on their way to a movie or something.
Ryan lets out a groan and reaches for Pete's hand. "I can't. I can't have the baby right now."
"Well, yeah, maybe try to wait until we're out of the car," Pete jokes, and Ryan kicks his foot half-heartedly.
"No. I can't...Ronon. Ronon needs to be here. I have to wait."
Pete lifts Ryan's hand to his mouth and kisses it. "Don't think it really works like that."
"The light's red!" Patrick yells.
"Fuck that," Spencer says, and pushes down on the gas.
--
"Are you kidding me?" Ryan yells at his doctor.
She pats his hand and smiles apologetically. "False labor is more common than most people think. I'm sorry Ryan, I know that was scary. But you're perfectly fine. You can go home tonight, even."
Ryan is pissed, because that was way more trouble than it was worth, but he also thinks it's a sign. He's not supposed to have the baby until Ronon's here with him.
So after all that, there's nothing else to do but go back home, and everybody piles back into their respective vehicles. It's the most anti-climactic event of Ryan's life. He glares down at his stomach, and hopes the baby can tell that he is not happy with it. That was just not funny.
"This baby's a little shit, just like his mommy," Pete says, and Patrick snickers.
"Call me that again. I dare you," is Ryan's answer.
When they get back to Ryan's house, it's nearly three AM.
Everyone is so distracted and exhausted that they don't notice that the unfamiliar car is back, parked on the street.
"I'm tired, but I'm also really fucking hungry," Ryan tells everyone as they go back into the house. "Will you-"
He stops short.
Ronon is standing at the foot of the stairs.
"Where were you?" he says.
---
No one says anything for a really long time. Ronon's got some cuts and bruises on his face and a nasty looking black eye, and a large bandage wrapped around his left arm, but other than he looks completely fine. Like he'd never been gone at all.
Suddenly Ryan pushes away from Spencer and runs - waddles - at Ronon and starts hitting him as hard as he can manage. Which isn't very hard.
"Where was I? Where were you? Where they fuck were you, you god damn motherfucking, I can't even believe you. How could you, how dare you, leave me here, fucking pregnant, what the hell, and thinking you're never coming back, and then you come back here, all, 'where were you,' and I just, I hate you, I'm going to-"
"Whoa, take it easy, killer," Ronon chuckles.
"Are you laughing at me?" Ryan shrieks, but then Ronon places one of his enormous hands on Ryan's belly, and Ryan seems to lose all of his steam.
"Ronon," he says, and then he sort of collapses against Ronon's chest and shuts his eyes, and takes a deep steadying breath. "Thank you. Thank you."
---
Ryan gets the best sleep of his life. When he wakes up, Ronon is still pressed against his back, his hands resting gently on Ryan's stomach. He's snoring lightly, and Ryan realizes this is probably the first time Ronon has been able to sleep well in months, too. Ryan doesn't want to wake him, so he tries not to move. Of course, this is easier said than done, because he really has to pee.
While Ryan is trying to push himself out of bed and is sort of flopping around like a turtle on its back, Ronon stirs and yawns.
"'s goin' on?"
"Nothing. Go back to sleep."
Ronon sits up and pulls Ryan up with him. "Nah. Plenty of time for that later."
Ryan putters off to the bathroom and when he comes back Ronon is examining the voluminous scarf Ryan has been working on. It's orange and misshapen, and way too long, which is to be expected when a person just keeps adding on to a scarf instead of starting a new one.
"Little big for the baby," Ronon says, winding it around his neck.
"It looks good on you." Ryan walks over and pulls on the scarf to bring Ronon closer.
Ronon laughs, and Ryan doesn't know why, but he wants to cry. "I thought..." he says, and doesn't know how to continue.
He wraps his hand around the epi pen necklace that Ronon still miraculously has on.
"Wouldn't let them take it," Ronon tells him.
"I was really scared," Ryan whispers.
"I know," Ronon says, and leans down and kisses him.
---
Pregnant sex is pretty awkward, it turns out. Ryan doesn't even care, because he's been waiting for what feels like years for it.
"Hungry now," he mumbles, when they're lying in bed doing nothing. Ronon makes a noise that sounds like an agreement.
"Guess we should get up then," Ryan says a few minutes later when they still haven't made any progress towards getting food.
"Probably," Ronon says, and then the baby starts kicking.
Ryan grabs Ronon's hand. "Hey. Check this out."
He can tell when Ronon feels it, because his entire faces changes. Ryan's never seen anyone look happier before in his life.
"Cool," Ronon is all Ronon says, but Ryan knows what he really means.
"I think he's agreeing that we should go get food."
Ronon nods, but he still makes no move to actually get up, his eyes still on his own hand. "Yeah. In a second."
Ryan thinks he can handle waiting.
---
Everything and everyone is so much less annoying now that Ronon's there. Plus, now instead of yelling at everyone to bring him things, he just yells at Ronon. Spencer especially is relieved.
McKay and Sheppard drop by every few days, to check in and fill Ronon in on updates about...something. They always go outside when they have these discussions. It kind of bothers Ryan that he's not allowed to know so much about Ronon, especially the details about where he was all those months, but he's just so grateful, for everything, that he can't complain too much.
"You just come back whenever you're ready," Sheppard tells Ronon. "Woolsey said he could make an exception, even though it's not technically protocol."
They both laugh. Ryan figures it's some kind of inside joke about this Woolsey person.
"So Ryan, is this experience giving you any ideas for some new songs?" McKay says excitedly. "I only ask because I have heard that being with child really opens one's eyes to-"
"How would you know anything about that?" Sheppard rolls his eyes.
McKay huffs in irritation. "I do happen to have a sister with a daughter, Sheppard. You've met her several times, in case you've forgotten."
"I'm gonna write a song called 'Babies are really annoying.' or something'" Ryan tells them. "That's pretty much the only wisdom I've acquired. Maybe you guys should become parents and then let me know if you get anything else out of it."
"Absolutely not," Rodney says.
At exactly the same time John says, "Maybe," and then shiftily looks around.
"Wait, what?" Rodney sputters.
"Oh god," Ronon mutters.
---
Everyone's going a little stir-crazy.
"Dude, you know what sounds really awesome right now?" Pete says to Jon. "Go-karting."
Jon says, "Dude, definitely. Let's go."
"Oh great, everyone just go out and have fun and leave me here about to pop," Ryan complains.
"What's go-karting?" Ronon asks, which of course means that Pete has show him right now, because it's Pete's mission to help Ronon live the childhood he never had a chance to have, or something, and go-karting is an integral part of the experience, in Pete's opinion.
Ronon turns to Ryan. "Can I go?"
Ryan sighs; what is he, the jailer? "I suppose."
Then Sheppard shows up, alone, which is weird.
"McKay'll be over in a little while, he had to take care of something," he tells them. "Where're you guys off to?"
"Go-karting. Want to come?" Pete says.
Sheppard's eyes light up. "I love go-karts."
"Wait, wait, not everyone can go," Patrick points out just as they all seem ready to run out the door. "Someone needs to stay here with Ryan."
"Oh, how nice of you to remember," Ryan intones.
Jon, Spencer and Brendon stare at each other for a second.
"Rock paper scissors?" Jon suggests.
"Oh my god!" Ryan screeches.
"Best of three," Spencer says.
Brendon loses. "Damn," he pouts. "I mean, uh, oh good, now I get to stay here and hang out with Ryan."
Ryan would punch him if he could get off the couch.
"You guys go. I'll stay," Ronon offers, but that just makes Ryan feel bad. Ronon went through god knows what during the time he was missing, and then he came back and has had to spend every waking moment taking care of his inexplicably pregnant boyfriend. He deserves to have some fun.
"No, go," Ryan insists. "I'll be fine. It's just a few hours. What could go wrong."
---
When Ryan thinks back on what he said, he thinks he cursed himself.
He and Brendon are sitting around watching Lost re-runs, and Ryan's knitting. It's completely uneventful. Then the doorbell rings, and Brendon goes to answer it. He comes back with McKay in tow, looking annoyed (surprise).
"So he just ran off to ride go-karts and didn't even let me know? Great. That's just fantastic. He's going to injure his knee again, I just know it."
Ryan starts to tell McKay that he can write down directions to where everyone went, but then his body is wracked a shuddering pain that's an all too familiar feeling, only somehow, it's more intense this time, and Ryan knows that this time, it's real.
"Of course," he moans. Just his luck.
Brendon rushes over to him and kneels down, grabbing Ryan's shoulders in concern. "Is it-" he says, eyes wide, and Ryan nods.
"Oh fuck fuck fuck," Brendon mumbles.
"That's not really...reassuring," Ryan says with difficulty.
Brendon shakes his head as if to clear it. "Okay. Okay. It'll be fine, Ry, I promise."
"What's going on. What is it?" McKay asks nervously.
"Can we take your car?" Brendon asks frantically as he helps Ryan off the couch. "I'll give you directions on the way to the hospital."
"To the. Oh no. No no no, this cannot be happening again, why is this always happening to me," McKay rambles frantically to himself. "You don't understand, it's like I'm cursed or something, it's like being around me makes people spontaneously need to give birth, and then I have to witness it, and-"
Brendon sets Ryan back on the couch and walks over to McKay and slaps him across the face. "Get a hold of yourself!"
McKay brings his hand to his cheek in shock. "What the hell!" he yells. "That hurt!"
Brendon's eyes are wide, like he can't believe what he just did. "I'm sorry! I've never. I've never done that before, it just seemed like the thing to do!"
"Hello, kind of having contractions over here," Ryan reminds them, bites back another groan.
Brendon looks at McKay and raises his eyebrows, and McKay says, "Okay, yes, you're right, I'm sorry, of course I will drive you to the hospital."
Here we go again, Ryan thinks when he's finally in the car and they're speeding towards the hospital.
---
"I'm not going to have the baby until Ronon gets here! After all that, he can't not be here!" Ryan yells.
His doctor says, "Mr. Ross, unfortunately we can't wait much longer, we need to start prepping you for-"
Ryan screams something indistinguishable and grips harder on Brendon and McKay's hands.
"Ow!" they both yell.
"Where the hell is he," Ryan yells back.
"I called Spencer as soon as we got here, they're on their way," Brendon assures him.
Ryan hates everyone in the entire world at the moment, and he figures they should know.
"I hate you all!" he announces to the room in general as the nurse does something with his IV.
"Teyla was much better at this," he hears McKay say, and then everything gets kind of fuzzy.
---
He comes to a little when they're wheeling him down the hallway. The lights on the ceiling are very shiny.
"Ronon?" he mumbles, because he thinks he heard Ronon's voice, but maybe he's just hallucinating.
"I'm here," Ronon answers, and he's holding Ryan's hand and jogging alongside the gurney. "Not leaving."
"Okay," Ryan murmurs. "I'm ready now."
---
When Ryan wakes up again, he doesn't know how long it's been. It feels like just a few seconds, but the window across from his bed reveals that it's now night time. Ronon's asleep in a chair, leaning forward so that his head is resting next to Ryan's. Ryan reaches up and touches his hair, and Ronon jolts awake.
"Hey killer," he says, his voice scratchy. He blinks a few times in the harsh fluorescent light. He looks almost as exhausted as Ryan feels.
"Where's...is everything..." Ryan says, because he can hardly bring himself to ask.
Ronon's face breaks into a grin. "Wanna see her?"
---
Ryan and Ronon's daughter weights 8 pounds, 13 ounces, has Ronon's eyes and Ryan's nose, and Ryan thinks she's pretty great, even though she kind of looks like a potato. A really fat one.
"You're gigantic," he comments, as he holds her and she blinks up at him. "No wonder you were giving me so much trouble."
Ronon laughs and leans down to kiss her on the forehead, and then moves to kiss Ryan on the mouth. Ryan can barely handle everything he's feeling.
"Where's Spencer?" he says, as the baby wraps her tiny hand around his thumb.
"Waiting room. Want me to get everyone?"
Ryan nods, doesn't take his eyes off his baby...who needs a name. "Yeah. Yeah, they can come in."
---
Spencer holds her first. "Hi," he whispers, and he doesn't say anything else, but he smiles at Ryan, and Ryan maybe gets a little choked up, and whispers, "Thanks."
Everybody takes turns holding the baby, and cooing and saying how cute and chubby she is.
"Sorry I gave you guys such a hard time," Ryan tells Brendon. "Where's McKay?"
Brendon laughs. "He went in search of coffee...about three hours ago. I think you scared him off."
"Someone else take this thing, it's heavy," Spencer jokes, and Ryan pretends to glare at him as he hands the baby to Pete. He and Ronon seriously need to talk about names soon, because he can't go around calling his kid 'the baby' all the time.
Pete runs a finger along the shell of the baby's tiny pink ear. "She's beautiful," he says to Ryan, and Ryan feels himself get choked up again.
Then Pete hums and says, "Let's have a baby, Patrick," a little dreamily, and Ryan starts laughing when Patrick answers, "yeah, because that would be a great idea."
Ronon sits down next to Ryan again and takes his hand and they watch their friends and their daughter.
"She still needs a name," Ryan reminds him.
Ronon thinks for a second and then smiles. "I think I have an idea."
---
"You cannot be serious," Spencer says.
"We are," Ryan tells him. "It's official. On the birth certificate and everything."
"Ryan," Spencer says very slowly. "Are you telling me. That you named your child after Brendon."
Brendon, looking offended, huffs. "And what's wrong with that?"
"And McKay," Ronon adds. "He was really happy when I told him. I think Sheppard was jealous."
Ryan shifts the baby from one arm to the other. "That's what he gets for running off to go go-karting."
"I think it's a great name," Pete says. "Just as long as you name the second one after me."
"No way," says Ryan.
"Maybe," says Ronon.
Ryan glares at him. "Never. again."
Ronon just laughs and kisses him on the cheek.
"Anyway," Ryan says, still looking suspiciously at Ronon. "I think it suits her. Right, baby?"
He holds her up and looks at her. "Brendine Meredith Ross-Dex."
As if on cue, baby Brendine Meredith starts screaming, her face turning red.
"See, she likes it," Ryan smiles.
He thinks maybe this parenting this is going to be kind of fun.
~~THE END~~
God help us all, I wrote Ryan Ross mpreg. This is the least researched mpreg of all time, I basically threw everything resembling reality out the window for the lolz. I am well aware of this fact!
I don't even know what to do with myself now. What is this even DOING HERE???
Pairing: Ryan/Ronon (Pete/Patrick, John/Rodney, Ryan/food)
Summary: "Spencer! Spencer, did you get the right kind of chips this time? Remember, I wanted the ones with the ridges. They're better for scooping up dip. Spencer!"
Notes: Happy birthday, Bran! I hope your birthday was full of hugs and kisses, and you know, peace signs, and gr8 things like that. I love you, girlfriend. I think you're super delicious. I hope you enjoy the fruits of my labor. ~_~
If you're wondering, yes, this is exactly what you think it is. God help us all. To any readers who don't know what I'm talking about...I'm sorry in advance. Thank you to bluejbird and minor_fifth who let me ask them dumb questions about what should happen, and read over this ridiculousness. ♥ This is 100% ridiculousness, trust me.
This sort of messes with events that happened in season 5 of SGA. Mild spoilers, I guess.
Saying goodbye to Ronon is always just as hard on Spencer as it is on Ryan, because Ronon and Ryan do this thing where they try not to act like they're that upset, and then once Ronon is actually gone, Ryan kind of freaks out. Well, as much as Ryan ever freaks out, but Spencer has known him for almost twenty years, so he can tell what constitutes a Ryan Ross freak out. Now is one of those times, and Spencer isn't quite sure what to do. Ryan is curled up in the passenger seat of Spencer's car, staring out the window. He hasn't said a word in over an hour.
"He always comes back," Spencer finally says.
Ryan doesn't answer for a long time, and Spencer would maybe think he had fallen asleep if his shoulders weren't so tense.
"I know."
---
Ryan gets pretty regular emails from Ronon, ever since Sheppard taught him to type and use the computer.
dear Ryan,
how are you? i am fine. we have been very busy. sheppard fell down on our last mission and hurt his leg. mckay yelled at him a lot. he is actually yelling at him right now while i am trying to write. now he is yelling at me because i am using his computer. i have to go. i miss you.
love,
Ronon
Hello Ryan, it's Rodney McKay. Sorry to kick Ronon off and interrupt his email, but we do have very important work to be doing here, I'm sure you understand. Please give my regards to the rest of the
- shut up mckay he doesn't want to hear about;kkkljl;;;;; - So sorry about that, Sheppard is doing his best to be annoying as possible, as per usual. Now that he's temporarily a cripple, I think he feels the need to - talk to you later, ryan. bye.
Ryan laughs for practically an hour straight.
---
Soon after that, the emails stop. Ryan doesn't think too much of it at first, because Ronon has been saying that they're really busy...with whatever it is Ronon and his team do in their super secret government job. Sometimes a few days pass before Ryan receives a reply from Ronon, but it seems pretty standard. So Ryan isn't worried at first. But then a few days turns into a week, and a week turns into two weeks, and pretty soon, a month. This of course, because the universe sucks like that, coincides with Ryan barfing his guts out every morning. He thinks it's just stress, even though he has nothing to be stressed about. He knows nothing's wrong with Ronon. He knows that. Ronon's just busy. He's always come back. Maybe they're somewhere that doesn't have internet access.
Spencer is worried, Ryan can tell, and also sick of hovering over Ryan and rubbing his back while Ryan vomits his breakfast into the toilet. Ryan doesn't blame him, he's sick of it too. But Spencer didn't have to move in with him "just for awhile," so Ryan figures he deserves whatever he gets.
"Maybe I should go to the doctor," he mumbles as he collapses against the wall after his latest bout with nausea. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, and Spencer rolls his eyes and hands him a towel.
"I've been telling you that for two weeks now."
He has. Ryan hates it when Spencer's right.
"Yeah. Yeah, I'll go tomorrow."
Spencer glares.
"Today," Ryan amends, banging his head once on the wall with a dull thud.
---
"Are you," Spencer starts to say, and then stops. "Should I-"
He reaches out as if to take Ryan's arm, and Ryan snaps.
"Dammit, Spence, I can walk on my own, okay."
Spencer holds his hands out in surrender and shrugs. "Okay, okay, I know. I'm sorry, I just, I don't know what to say or do right now, so don't get mad at me for saying something dumb, how the hell should I know."
Ryan is biting his lip and twining the chain of his epi pen necklace around his index finger. "Let's just get out of here. Can we. Can we just go home?"
"Yeah, Ry," Spencer says, more gently than Ryan deserves. "We can do whatever you want. But we have to get in the car first."
"Fuck," Ryan whispers as Spencer backs out of the parking lot of the doctor's office. "Fuck."
---
Ryan sits on the couch with his laptop. He's typed two words into an email. hi ronon it begins, and there the cursor has sat for the last forty-five minutes.
"Are you going to tell him?" Spencer asks, daring to enter the living room for the first time since they'd arrived back about an hour earlier.
A snappy remark is on the tip of Ryan's tongue, but he bites it back. Spencer doesn't deserve that. He's just trying to help, and Ryan's snapped at him enough over the last month or so. "I'm trying to. I just. Don't know what to say."
"He needs to know." Spencer sits next to Ryan on the couch and stretches his legs out on the coffee table. Ryan frowns at him in a distracted way; he's too preoccupied to really care.
Ryan takes a deep breath and pulls the laptop towards him. "Will you...will you help me figure out how to," he starts but can't finish, and Spencer just scoots closer and presses a quick kiss to Ryan's temple before taking the computer and placing it on his own lap.
"I'll type."
---
"You're joking," Jon says.
"I'm not," Ryan answers.
"Ry, come on, you can't expect us to believe this," Brendon laughs nervously, like he's afraid that Ryan has gone insane. "You have to be kidding."
"He's not," Spencer tells them, and Ryan's not sure why, but they believe him. They always believe Spencer. Everyone does.
Brendon is the first one to actually say it. "So you're. Pregnant."
"Yeah," Ryan says, not sure how they're going to react.
Brendon just takes his hand. "It'll be okay," he says, confident.
"It will," Jon adds, and Ryan has never loved them more.
---
Ronon still hasn't emailed him back. Email is really not the best way to break that kind of news to someone, but it was the only option. Ryan hopes Ronon doesn't think it's some kind of joke, but Ryan would settle for a response, any response, rather than this silence. What if Ronon saw the email and now wants nothing to do with him? Why would he even want any part of this? He has a job to do, a job that doesn't really allow for him to have a kid that he needs to be taking care of. Ryan wouldn't blame him for ending things. For not wanting the baby. Their baby.
"Do you want it?" Spencer asks, like Ryan hasn't been asking himself the same thing ever since he found out.
"I...I don't know," Ryan says, because honestly, he doesn't.
Spencer is just about to say something else when there's a knock at the door. "I'll get it," he says instead.
When Spencer comes back into the room, he's looking confused and is accompanied by John Sheppard and Rodney McKay.
Ryan stands up. "What-" he starts to say, and then he takes one look at their faces and sits back down.
"Ryan," Sheppard starts to say, and Ryan doesn't want to hear it whatever it is.
"No," he tells them, "I don't-whatever you're going to- I don't want to hear it."
"Could we sit down?" Sheppard asks, and Ryan doesn't say anything so Spencer nods his permission and then joins Ryan on the couch.
Sheppard and McKay sit on the couch opposite them, and they look at each other for a moment before either of them says anything. Finally, they seem to reach some sort of agreement without saying anything, and turn back to Ryan and Spencer.
"We umm. We didn't want to have to do this," McKay starts out, and Sheppard interrupts him.
"Ronon is missing. We went on a mission about a month ago, and there were...complications."
Ryan wants to scream at them, but it just gets caught in his throat. Spencer takes over, his eyes narrowed.
"Complications. Care to elaborate on that?"
Sheppard's eyes are sympathetic, but Ryan just hates him so much right now, he can't even stand it. "I'm sorry, I wish we could, but it's-"
"Let me guess, classified," Spencer says dryly, his voice shaking with anger.
"I'm sorry," Sheppard says again, and his voice cracks on the second word. "We've been looking for him. Still are. We're not giving up. I don't leave anyone on my team behind."
Ryan just stares straight ahead, tries to pretend like this isn't happening.
Spencer takes a steadying breath, and Ryan can tell he's trying not to yell. "Great. So you came here to tell us that basically you can't tell us anything, but don't worry, because you're going to take care of it. That's just great, except oh yeah, where were you in the first place, when he mysteriously 'went missing'? Seems like you're really doing a bang up job-"
"Hey!" McKay yells, his jaw set and his eyes flashing. "That's enough, you little brat. You have no idea, how dare you-"
"It's okay, Rodney," Sheppard says tiredly, and he sounds so defeated that Ryan can tell Spencer automatically feels bad. "Look, Ryan, we would've let you know sooner, we just thought...we thought maybe we could find him before you had to know. But then we saw your last email-"
This jolts Ryan out of his trance. "What. You. You read."
Sheppard looks even more uncomfortable than he did before. "I'm sorry. We don't normally, it, ah. We just...ever since he...we've been checking, and then when we saw...that, we, uhh."
McKay takes over. "We decided it was time to let you know, because in case...in case we don't find him..."
"Until we find him," Sheppard corrects, and McKay nods hastily.
"Right, right, of course. We will find him, we just thought that in your...condition," he glances at Ryan quickly and clears his throat. "that you should probably know."
"You guys don't really seem that surprised," Ryan notes, because they really don't. Uncomfortable, sure, but not surprised.
McKay laughs lightly. "Well, in our...line of work, let's say, it takes a lot to surprise us."
Ryan places his hand over his stomach. He's not showing yet, there's not way you could even tell, unless you already knew, that there's a baby in there. Ronon's baby.
"Promise me you'll find him," he says.
They do. Ryan believes them.
---
McKay and Sheppard leave soon after that, but they promise to keep in touch with as many updates as they're allowed to give.
Ryan shuts the door behind them and turns to Spencer, who doesn't say anything, just waits.
"I want to. I'm going to keep it," Ryan tells him, and Spencer smiles.
"I knew you would," he says, and Ryan hugs him so hard he can barely breathe. Ryan doesn't cry.
---
Ryan calls Pete a few weeks later, and asks him to come visit. This is the kind of news that Ryan doesn't really want to give over the phone, especially to Pete. Luckily, Pete agrees without asking too many questions, and says he can be there in a few days. Ryan's just starting to show. He wonders if Pete will notice before Ryan tells him.
"Is Patrick coming too?" Ryan asks, and Pete pauses.
"I don't think so," he finally says, his words clipped. "We're sort of. I don't think Patrick really wants to go anywhere with me right now."
"Oh," Ryan starts to say, surprised, but Pete interrupts him.
"I mean, it's. It's no big deal. Whatever, I'll tell you when I see you."
"Sure," Ryan agrees, "but are you sure-"
"Gotta go dude, but I'll see you on Thursday okay? Love you."
Ryan's response is spoken to a dial tone.
---
When Pete arrives, he looks even more tired than he usually does. He hugs Ryan and smiles, apparently doesn't notice the weight Ryan has put on, and Ryan can tell there's something wrong. This is pretty much the last thing Ryan needs right now, to have a Pete crisis on his hands, but by the time Pete has been there almost twelve hours and hasn't mentioned Patrick's name once and keeps staring off into space moodily instead of actually watching their marathon of all the Home Alone movies, Ryan can't not ask.
"Pete," he says cautiously, and Pete turns to him and gives him one of those sad half smiles.
"Yes dear?"
"Pete," Ryan repeats, and Pete sighs and scrubs his face with his hand.
"Okay, fine. Patrick and I are having problems. He moved out. Just temporarily, but he said. He said he needed a break. From me, I guess," Pete shrugs, his shoulders hunched up. "I haven't talked to him in three weeks. I want to call him so fucking bad, I almost have about a thousand times, but he said he needed space, so. I'm not gonna push it. So, long story short, Ross, apparently I fucked everything up again, surprise. Guess it was good while it lasted. Anything else you want to know?"
Ryan's not sure if it's pregnancy hormones, or if guys even get those, but he's really upset by this, by Pete's defeated voice, and how he's acting like it's over, like he's not even going to try.
"Pete, you can't just. You have to call him," Ryan says, and even he is surprised by the urgency in his voice.
Pete looks up at him. "Dude, you okay? You look like you're gonna cry."
Ryan just might. "Just. Call Patrick. Tell him to come here, please, you have to-I really think you should."
"I told you, he doesn't want to talk me. If he wanted to talk to me, he would've called, and he hasn't. It's okay. We tried, and maybe it just wasn't supposed to work-"
Ryan isn't sure who is more horrified when he bursts into tears, Pete or himself.
---
It takes about twenty minutes for Pete to calm Ryan down enough to be able to understand what he's wailing as he sobs, and then another twenty minutes for Ryan to explain that Ronon is missing, and another thirty to explain about the whole pregnancy thing. By the time Ryan finishes, Pete is white as a sheet, and his eyes are so wide it's almost funny, except for how it's not funny at all.
"Fuck. If I'd known, I wouldn't have told you about my stupid fucking relationship problems, jesus, who even cares about that, you're-"
"I care," Ryan sniffles into a tissue. "Look, I know I sort of over-reacted because I'm a weirdo pregnant freak, but I really. Pete, I might never see Ronon again."
Pete starts to protest, but Ryan shakes his head. "No, it's true. I'm not delusional. Ronon might be dead, and I might have to raise this...thing by myself. So you're really going to let some stupid thing come between you and Patrick, when I'm sitting here knocked up and abandoned? Don't be a selfish fucking dick."
"But he-" Pete begins. "Oh shit, what am I doing. I'm gonna go call him."
He races out of the room, and Ryan smiles. Who knows how long this would've gone on if it hadn't been for him. Him and his abnormal child.
---
Ryan doesn't hear Pete's conversation with Patrick on the phone, but whatever he said must've worked, because Patrick shows up at Ryan's house the very next morning, looking exhausted and grumpy, but he's there. Ryan lets him in, and Patrick drops his bag next to the door.
"Where's-" he says, but then Pete is there, all but pushing Ryan out of the way - while he's pregnant, how inconsiderate, Spencer would freak out if he had seen that - and throwing himself into Patrick's arms.
"I'm sorry, baby, I'm so so sorry-"
"Shut up," Patrick says, and kisses him.
Ryan is happy, but watching them, the way Pete sighs into Patrick's mouth and Patrick's arms wrap around Pete's neck, Ryan misses Ronon so much he could kill both of them.
"I must ask that you not actually fuck in the entry way," Ryan announces, and then stomps into the living room to find his phone so he can tell Spencer, who is at the airport picking up Brendon and Jon, that they're going to have another guest and that he should bring some more food. The request for more food is only partially because of the guests they've suddenly accumulated; Ryan is ravenous all the time, and the last time Spencer went to the store, he didn't buy nearly enough barbeque potato chips.
---
"Seriously, Ryan, when your kid is born, I'm gonna tell it...him...her...whatever, that he/she/it is responsible for preventing me and Patrick from breaking up," Pete says later, when they're all outside on the patio. Jon and Spencer have been barbequing, and Ryan has to admit it's nice having everyone here.
"Yeah, well, you're both dumb asses, so someone had to do it," Ryan mumbles through a mouthful of food. He's on his third rack of ribs.
Patrick just laughs and lets Pete lean in and kiss him for the 43rd time that night. No, really. Ryan's been counting.
"I am going to vomit all over you," he tells them, but they're not listening.
Brendon steals some of Ryan's potato salad and ignores Ryan's annoyed growl. "So Ross, have you thought of any names for the baby yet?"
Ryan shrugs. He hasn't really. He doesn't want to think of names, because he doesn't know if Ronon would like them or not, and he doesn't want to think about having to name the baby without Ronon. Or doing anything involving the baby without Ronon.
"Name it Spencerina," Jon suggests, and Spencer throws a hot dog at him. It bounces off of Jon's shoulder and hits the ground.
"Hey, that's a waste of food," Ryan complains. "Give it to me, I'll eat it anyway."
"I'm not gonna let you eat a dirty hot dog," Spencer says, and Pete pulls away from kissing Patrick and starts giggling.
"Huuur huuuur," he laughs, "Can I eat your dirty hot dog, Spence?"
"No," Spencer and Patrick say at the same time, and that just makes Pete laugh harder, and causes Jon and Patrick to start. Of course, once Jon starts laughing, Brendon always does too, and that gets Spencer going, and Ryan tries not to, but Pete's laugh is just so stupid, he can't help it.
"I hate you all," he gasps through his laughter, and thinks maybe things are going to be okay.
---
"I think I'm going to take up knitting," Ryan decides a few months later. He no longer fits into his pants, and so he's sitting around wearing size like, XXXXL sweatpants and what he thinks technically counts as a sundress. He'd asked Pete to go to Target to pick him out some new clothes (which in retrospect was his first mistake) and he'd come back with a bunch of stuff that looks suspiciously like it came from the maternity collection.
"But you're into like, flowers and shit," Pete had shrugged when Ryan held up a flowy top with sunflowers all over it and glared.
So now he's dressed like a (gigantic) hippie tranny, and is completely bored, so taking up knitting seems like a logical choice.
Pete and Jon look up from their game of Connect Four; everyone one else is on a food run. Food runs really do now take three people, because they have to buy so much of it. Ryan thinks he eats as much as everyone else combined, which is an accomplishment, since he's only one person to their five. Everyone has decided to stick around the house, with the excuse that they don't have anything better to do, but Ryan knows it's just because they don't want to leave him alone, pregnant and abandoned. He's grateful, even if he does get annoyed at them several times a day. Especially when they eat his food.
"Knitting sounds good," Jon says. "Babies can always use booties and hats and stuff."
Pete's response is, "Huuuur, booties," and then, "Will you knit me a scarf? Will you knit Patrick a hat? Oh, connect four bitch!"
Ryan sighs.
The door opens. The others have returned with the food.
"Spencer! Spencer, did you get the right kind of chips this time? Remember, I wanted the ones with the ridges. They're better for scooping up dip. Spencer!"
---
Ryan tries not to think about Ronon too much. Even the good times, because he can't think about those times without thinking about how they might be the only ones. Mostly he thinks he's doing a good job of keeping himself distracted. He has his new knitting project to keep himself occupied, and a house full of crazy people to deal with. Everyone switches off accompanying him to his doctor's appointments, and basically getting him anything he needs without too much complaint. He has the best friends anyone could ask for. It's almost enough.
Today it's Pete's turn to take Ryan to the doctor. He's getting another ultra-sound. The first one, the one that confirmed he was pregnant, hardly looked like anything at all. Maybe this one will actually have more of a baby shape to it, and Ryan will finally be convinced that he's giving birth to a human and not some weird alien thing. Pete's really excited.
"I've never seen one of these things go on before. I mean, I don't know why I would have, but-"
"Okay," the doctor says. "Let's get started."
When she finds the right angle to get a clear view, or however it works, Ryan still has no idea, and points out his baby's head and feet and and fingers, Pete grabs his hand and squeezes it. Ryan squeezes back. It's his baby. Ronon's baby.
"I wish he could see this," Ryan whispers, and he can't even try to stop the tears that start rolling down his cheeks.
"He will," Pete whispers back.
---
When they get back to the house, there's an unfamiliar vehicle parked in the driveway.
"Who-" Pete starts to ask, but Ryan thinks he knows. A heavy feeling settles in his chest. It's suddenly hard to breathe.
He's right. Spencer meets them at door, looking anxious. McKay and Sheppard are back.
"They...they haven't said anything. Obviously they were waiting for you. I was sitting with them, it's been really fucking awkward. Everybody else ran outside."
Sure enough, Ryan can see Brendon, Jon and Patrick on the patio, looking like they're trying to have a guitar jam session but aren't enjoying themselves very much.
"Okay," Ryan says. "Okay, I'll go talk to them."
Pete and Spencer hesitate, like they're not sure what Ryan wants them to do.
"You two better go in there with me, or I'll never forgive you," Ryan tells them.
McKay and Sheppard are talking quietly. McKay's hand is resting on top of Sheppard's on the couch between their bodies, and Ryan almost feels bad interrupting them.
"Hi," he says hesitantly, and they both look up at once, and McKay moves his hand away.
"Oh my god, you're huge," he blurts out, and Sheppard jabs him in the side with his elbow. "I mean. You're. Very pregnant."
"Huh," Ryan says dryly, "I thought maybe something was up. No wonder my ankles are so swollen. It all makes sense now."
Spencer snorts in amusement, and then stops, like he just remembered what's actually happening. Ryan sits down on the couch across from McKay and Sheppard, just like he had months before, with Spencer on his right. This time Pete's on his left, and Ryan feels less alone, but he's never been so scared.
"Well," Sheppard begins. "We've made a lot of progress since the last time we were here. We recovered some information from some of our friends, that suggest that Ronon's been taken by a...certain group of people. A group we've encountered before. They used to be friends of Ronon's, but well, without going into too much detail, they're not anymore. The good news is that we know this now, and we've got intel from up until last month that Ronon was still alive."
"Was?" Ryan asks dully, and Spencer places his hand on Ryan's back.
"We have no reason to doubt that that's still the case," Sheppard assures him. "We're getting close. We can't tell you much more, but we just wanted you to know, that we haven't stopped looking for him since we left you the last time. And I'm confident-"
"We're confident," McKay interjects. "We all are."
Ryan nods. He wraps his hand around the epi pen around his neck and hopes and hopes and hopes.
---
Pete walks into the living room later to find Ryan watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition and sobbing into the giant scarf he's been knitting for the last month.
"Oh yeah," Pete says, sitting down next to him on the couch. "I've seen this one. Don't worry, I cried, too."
Ryan wails and tucks himself against Pete's side, laying his head on his shoulder. Pete wraps his arm around Ryan's shoulder and puts his other hand on Ryan's stomach, rubbing gently.
"I want a house," Ryan sobs. "Ronon told me he'd build me a house, but now he's probably never coming back, and I'm going to be raising my freak of nature child all alone, and he's probably off somewhere with his secret family, building mansions for them!"
The family on screen is freaking out about their new house.
"Hey, c'mon, he's coming back, and he's not building mansions for a secret family, okay? John said he was kidnapped," Pete says, trying to be soothing, but reminding someone that their boyfriend got kidnapped is probably not the most reassuring thing to hear, because it just makes Ryan cry harder. Oops.
"I'm going to be alone, and I'm huge and ugly, and why do those people get a house, like why are they so special? I totally deserve it more."
Pete presses a kiss to the top of Ryan's head. "I'll build you a house. Promise."
Ryan sniffles into Pete's shirt. "With wood floors?"
"Absolutely. Whatever you want."
They watch Ty Pennington hugging people and yelling unnecessarily for a few minutes, and now Pete's even getting a little teared up again. Good thing Patrick's in the other room, or he'd be losing it right about now, but he'd probably rather die than admit that.
"But not Pergo," Ryan sniffles after awhile, and it takes Pete a few seconds to remember that they'd been talking about wood floors. "I hate Pergo," he says with a little hiccup.
"Got it," Pete replies.
"I got snot all over your shirt," Ryan tells him a few seconds later and Pete shrugs.
"I've had worse things on my shirt, trust me."
---
Another terrible thing about being pregnant, Ryan thinks, is how he's horny, like, all the time. He kind of thought the thing about pregnant women wanting to have sex constantly was a myth, but it's definitely not. And, of course, he happens to be the one guy in the entire universe who happens to get pregnant, and he has no one to satisfy his needs, because they guy who put him in this situation is inconveniently kidnapped at the moment, and there's no one else around.
Well, there are plenty of people around, but he can't have sex with any of them. Spencer is obviously out of the question, that would be like sleeping with his brother, and plus, Brendon probably wouldn't like that. And he can't have sex with Brendon, because Spencer probably wouldn't like that, either. Plus, he's Brendon. That's just weird. Jon has a girlfriend, and that's also just weird, even if he didn't. That basically leaves Pete and Patrick, and yeah, like that's ever going to happen.
"Are you okay?" Pete asks him in concern, because apparently he's sending off annoyed vibes that are even more powerful than usual.
No," Ryan spits out. "I am not okay."
Pete's concerned face immediately becomes even more concerned. "Do you need anything? Do you need to go to the hospital? Oh god, are you going into early labor? Oh my god-"
"No! If you must know, I'm incredibly sexual frustrated!" Ryan yells, and he thinks he hears Brendon let out a laugh from the kitchen.
Pete blinks. "Oh. That sucks, dude."
Trust Pete to state the glaringly obvious. "I am well aware that you don't understand what I'm going through, believe me. You aren't nearly as quiet as you think you are in that guest room."
Pete is now looking at Ryan sympathetically, like he really wants to do something to help. "I could...maybe, if you want-"
What? "What, if I want Patrick to murder me and my unborn child?" Ryan shrieks.
"Well, I'd obviously tell him," Pete says. "I could just. You know. Ask him if he minds."
Ryan stares at him for a second before bursting into laughter. Patrick will mind. Ryan doesn't see that conversation going well.
---
Patrick minds. "Pete, are you honestly asking me if it's okay if you give Ryan a blow job?"
Pete shrugs and looks at Patrick with those big puppy dog eyes that Ryan knows work so well. On pretty much everyone. "Well, just. As a favor! He's all alone and pregnant, and there's all these fucking crazy hormones, and he hasn't seen his boyfriend in months. And, it's not like I haven't done it before," Pete concludes.
"Oh, well in that case, I just feel like, it's weird, but. No," Patrick says, and then turns to glare at Ryan. "Was this your idea?"
"What do you think?" Ryan says, nodding towards Pete.
Patrick shrugs in agreement a few seconds later. "You're right, sorry, of course it was all him."
"I'm just trying to be a good friend," Pete sighs, put upon.
Patrick laughs. "Forget about me, what do you think Ronon would do if he found out?"
That seems to instill some terror in Pete. "Oh, right. Sorry Ryan, I tried."
"I know," Ryan says, patting him on the arm. "Thanks anyway."
He's just going to have to suffer a little while longer, until the baby is born. Or until Ronon comes back. Whichever happens first. Ryan hopes it's the latter.
---
Ryan finally allows himself to think about what will happen if Ronon doesn't come back, actually admits to himself that there's a possibility Ronon's just...gone. He'll be a single parent. In his early twenties. And he knows nothing about children. He's not even really sure he likes them all that much. Or that they like him. His little cousins always start crying when he tries to talk to them, or they just stare at him like he's crazy.
He still hasn't picked possible names for the baby yet, because doesn't feel like he should be the only one to do that. It's only half his kid. What if he picks names that Ronon doesn't like, and then Ryan names the thing, and then Ronon comes back, and hates his own kid's name. Ryan wonders if the baby will look more like him, or more like Ronon. And if the baby looks like Ronon, and Ronon never comes back, will Ryan feel sad whenever he looks at it? What if he can't even love this baby because of that, once it actually gets here? What if Ronon does come back, and he doesn't want a kid?
But Ryan knows that he wants the baby, even if- no, especially if, Ronon never comes back. If it's all he has left of Ronon, there's no way in hell he's going to give that away.
"I don't know if I can do this alone," Ryan tells Spencer one night as they're watching late night TV. Ryan's been having trouble sleeping recently. Partially because the baby keeps him awake, kicking up a storm, and partially because if he sleeps he'll have dreams about Ronon, and even the good dreams make him sad.
"Good thing you won't have to, then," is Spencer's answer, and as if in response, the baby starts kicking again.
"He's kicking a lot tonight," Ryan grimaces. "Little bastard. Here, feel it." He grabs Spencer's hand and places it on his stomach.
Spencer starts, and then grins, his entire face lighting up. "Wow. That's awesome."
"Yeah, awesome, maybe you should try it happening to your stomach non-stop for an hour," Ryan complains, but it really kind of is.
He won't ever really be alone in this. And he knows he can do it without Ronon. He just doesn't want to.
---
"This baby's gonna be a musical genius, I can feel it," Brendon informs Ryan.
"Or like, a martial arts expert," Pete adds. "Or maybe both."
"Do you think it's a boy or a girl?" Brendon asks, putting his hand on Ryan's stomach contemplatively, like there's some way that's going to help him figure out the baby's sex.
"No idea," Ryan says. He thinks it's funny that he's gotten used to everybody manhandling him, though. "Hey Wentz, why don't you make yourself useful and go get me some chips. The sour cream and onion ones. With the ranch dip."
Pete makes a face, either at being ordered around, or Ryan eating sour cream and onion potato chips with ranch dip, but goes into the kitchen anyway. He comes back a few seconds later empty handed. "Umm. I think. The chips are gone." He announces this like someone just robbed the house and stole all the valuables.
"What do you mean, the chips are gone?" Ryan had specifically asked Spencer to buy more chips yesterday. If he didn't do that, Ryan is going to kill-
Jon walks in just then, holding a mostly empty bag of sour cream and onion potato chips and munching on one obliviously. "Hey guys," he says. Everyone stares at him.
"I'm going to kill you," Ryan shrieks, and attempts to jump off the couch to go strangle Jon, but it turns out that's pretty hard when you're pregnant.
"What? Oh. Sorry, Ryan, I got hungry," Jon says apologetically.
"Sorry isn't good enough," Ryan tells him, doesn't bother trying to get up again,but apparently is threatening enough that Jon offers to drive to the store right away to buy more chips, and anything else Ryan wants. Which means Ryan will have to wait at least fifteen minutes before he can eat.
His life is so hard.
---
"Spencer! Spencer!" Ryan is really fucking freaked out. He wakes up with ridiculous pain, and he though he obviously has no idea what going into labor feels like, he thinks it probably feels a lot like that.
Spencer comes running in to his room, so quickly that Ryan can tell he wasn't sleeping. "What? What is it? Ryan, are you okay?"
"I think. I think I need to go to the hospital," Ryan gasps, and winces when another wave of pain hits him.
Spencer nods, eyes wide. "Okay. Okay, let me just. I'll go get the car, and-"
"No, don't leave me!" Ryan yells.
Pete and Patrick appear at the door, and Ryan can see Brendon and Jon right behind them. "What's going on," Pete says, and Spencer pushes him into the room.
"We're taking him to the hospital. Stay with him while I go get the car and then bring him downstairs. Okay? Pete. Pete, can you-"
"Yeah, I got it, Spence, go."
Spencer takes off running down the hall, and Pete approaches Ryan cautiously. Patrick stands back and wrings his hands nervously, like he's not sure what he should do.
"Okay, Ry, do you think you can walk?" Pete asks, and helps Ryan maneuver so that he can get his feet on the ground.
Ryan nods, even though he's practically doubled over.
"Good, that's awesome. You're awesome. 'Trick, come help me with him," Pete says, and Patrick comes over, and somehow they manage to get Ryan standing and out of the bedroom and down the stairs. Brendon and Jon run around grabbing various items and holding open doors and Ryan doesn't even know, he can barely focus on anything. The next thing he knows he's sitting in the back seat of Spencer's car with Pete by his side. Patrick's in the front, and Brendon and Jon are following in Ryan's car.
"Pete," Ryan manages to say, and Pete stops frantically talking with Spencer and Patrick about the quickest way to get to the hospital to turn to Ryan.
"What's up, kid?" he responds, falsely casual, like they're just on their way to a movie or something.
Ryan lets out a groan and reaches for Pete's hand. "I can't. I can't have the baby right now."
"Well, yeah, maybe try to wait until we're out of the car," Pete jokes, and Ryan kicks his foot half-heartedly.
"No. I can't...Ronon. Ronon needs to be here. I have to wait."
Pete lifts Ryan's hand to his mouth and kisses it. "Don't think it really works like that."
"The light's red!" Patrick yells.
"Fuck that," Spencer says, and pushes down on the gas.
--
"Are you kidding me?" Ryan yells at his doctor.
She pats his hand and smiles apologetically. "False labor is more common than most people think. I'm sorry Ryan, I know that was scary. But you're perfectly fine. You can go home tonight, even."
Ryan is pissed, because that was way more trouble than it was worth, but he also thinks it's a sign. He's not supposed to have the baby until Ronon's here with him.
So after all that, there's nothing else to do but go back home, and everybody piles back into their respective vehicles. It's the most anti-climactic event of Ryan's life. He glares down at his stomach, and hopes the baby can tell that he is not happy with it. That was just not funny.
"This baby's a little shit, just like his mommy," Pete says, and Patrick snickers.
"Call me that again. I dare you," is Ryan's answer.
When they get back to Ryan's house, it's nearly three AM.
Everyone is so distracted and exhausted that they don't notice that the unfamiliar car is back, parked on the street.
"I'm tired, but I'm also really fucking hungry," Ryan tells everyone as they go back into the house. "Will you-"
He stops short.
Ronon is standing at the foot of the stairs.
"Where were you?" he says.
---
No one says anything for a really long time. Ronon's got some cuts and bruises on his face and a nasty looking black eye, and a large bandage wrapped around his left arm, but other than he looks completely fine. Like he'd never been gone at all.
Suddenly Ryan pushes away from Spencer and runs - waddles - at Ronon and starts hitting him as hard as he can manage. Which isn't very hard.
"Where was I? Where were you? Where they fuck were you, you god damn motherfucking, I can't even believe you. How could you, how dare you, leave me here, fucking pregnant, what the hell, and thinking you're never coming back, and then you come back here, all, 'where were you,' and I just, I hate you, I'm going to-"
"Whoa, take it easy, killer," Ronon chuckles.
"Are you laughing at me?" Ryan shrieks, but then Ronon places one of his enormous hands on Ryan's belly, and Ryan seems to lose all of his steam.
"Ronon," he says, and then he sort of collapses against Ronon's chest and shuts his eyes, and takes a deep steadying breath. "Thank you. Thank you."
---
Ryan gets the best sleep of his life. When he wakes up, Ronon is still pressed against his back, his hands resting gently on Ryan's stomach. He's snoring lightly, and Ryan realizes this is probably the first time Ronon has been able to sleep well in months, too. Ryan doesn't want to wake him, so he tries not to move. Of course, this is easier said than done, because he really has to pee.
While Ryan is trying to push himself out of bed and is sort of flopping around like a turtle on its back, Ronon stirs and yawns.
"'s goin' on?"
"Nothing. Go back to sleep."
Ronon sits up and pulls Ryan up with him. "Nah. Plenty of time for that later."
Ryan putters off to the bathroom and when he comes back Ronon is examining the voluminous scarf Ryan has been working on. It's orange and misshapen, and way too long, which is to be expected when a person just keeps adding on to a scarf instead of starting a new one.
"Little big for the baby," Ronon says, winding it around his neck.
"It looks good on you." Ryan walks over and pulls on the scarf to bring Ronon closer.
Ronon laughs, and Ryan doesn't know why, but he wants to cry. "I thought..." he says, and doesn't know how to continue.
He wraps his hand around the epi pen necklace that Ronon still miraculously has on.
"Wouldn't let them take it," Ronon tells him.
"I was really scared," Ryan whispers.
"I know," Ronon says, and leans down and kisses him.
---
Pregnant sex is pretty awkward, it turns out. Ryan doesn't even care, because he's been waiting for what feels like years for it.
"Hungry now," he mumbles, when they're lying in bed doing nothing. Ronon makes a noise that sounds like an agreement.
"Guess we should get up then," Ryan says a few minutes later when they still haven't made any progress towards getting food.
"Probably," Ronon says, and then the baby starts kicking.
Ryan grabs Ronon's hand. "Hey. Check this out."
He can tell when Ronon feels it, because his entire faces changes. Ryan's never seen anyone look happier before in his life.
"Cool," Ronon is all Ronon says, but Ryan knows what he really means.
"I think he's agreeing that we should go get food."
Ronon nods, but he still makes no move to actually get up, his eyes still on his own hand. "Yeah. In a second."
Ryan thinks he can handle waiting.
---
Everything and everyone is so much less annoying now that Ronon's there. Plus, now instead of yelling at everyone to bring him things, he just yells at Ronon. Spencer especially is relieved.
McKay and Sheppard drop by every few days, to check in and fill Ronon in on updates about...something. They always go outside when they have these discussions. It kind of bothers Ryan that he's not allowed to know so much about Ronon, especially the details about where he was all those months, but he's just so grateful, for everything, that he can't complain too much.
"You just come back whenever you're ready," Sheppard tells Ronon. "Woolsey said he could make an exception, even though it's not technically protocol."
They both laugh. Ryan figures it's some kind of inside joke about this Woolsey person.
"So Ryan, is this experience giving you any ideas for some new songs?" McKay says excitedly. "I only ask because I have heard that being with child really opens one's eyes to-"
"How would you know anything about that?" Sheppard rolls his eyes.
McKay huffs in irritation. "I do happen to have a sister with a daughter, Sheppard. You've met her several times, in case you've forgotten."
"I'm gonna write a song called 'Babies are really annoying.' or something'" Ryan tells them. "That's pretty much the only wisdom I've acquired. Maybe you guys should become parents and then let me know if you get anything else out of it."
"Absolutely not," Rodney says.
At exactly the same time John says, "Maybe," and then shiftily looks around.
"Wait, what?" Rodney sputters.
"Oh god," Ronon mutters.
---
Everyone's going a little stir-crazy.
"Dude, you know what sounds really awesome right now?" Pete says to Jon. "Go-karting."
Jon says, "Dude, definitely. Let's go."
"Oh great, everyone just go out and have fun and leave me here about to pop," Ryan complains.
"What's go-karting?" Ronon asks, which of course means that Pete has show him right now, because it's Pete's mission to help Ronon live the childhood he never had a chance to have, or something, and go-karting is an integral part of the experience, in Pete's opinion.
Ronon turns to Ryan. "Can I go?"
Ryan sighs; what is he, the jailer? "I suppose."
Then Sheppard shows up, alone, which is weird.
"McKay'll be over in a little while, he had to take care of something," he tells them. "Where're you guys off to?"
"Go-karting. Want to come?" Pete says.
Sheppard's eyes light up. "I love go-karts."
"Wait, wait, not everyone can go," Patrick points out just as they all seem ready to run out the door. "Someone needs to stay here with Ryan."
"Oh, how nice of you to remember," Ryan intones.
Jon, Spencer and Brendon stare at each other for a second.
"Rock paper scissors?" Jon suggests.
"Oh my god!" Ryan screeches.
"Best of three," Spencer says.
Brendon loses. "Damn," he pouts. "I mean, uh, oh good, now I get to stay here and hang out with Ryan."
Ryan would punch him if he could get off the couch.
"You guys go. I'll stay," Ronon offers, but that just makes Ryan feel bad. Ronon went through god knows what during the time he was missing, and then he came back and has had to spend every waking moment taking care of his inexplicably pregnant boyfriend. He deserves to have some fun.
"No, go," Ryan insists. "I'll be fine. It's just a few hours. What could go wrong."
---
When Ryan thinks back on what he said, he thinks he cursed himself.
He and Brendon are sitting around watching Lost re-runs, and Ryan's knitting. It's completely uneventful. Then the doorbell rings, and Brendon goes to answer it. He comes back with McKay in tow, looking annoyed (surprise).
"So he just ran off to ride go-karts and didn't even let me know? Great. That's just fantastic. He's going to injure his knee again, I just know it."
Ryan starts to tell McKay that he can write down directions to where everyone went, but then his body is wracked a shuddering pain that's an all too familiar feeling, only somehow, it's more intense this time, and Ryan knows that this time, it's real.
"Of course," he moans. Just his luck.
Brendon rushes over to him and kneels down, grabbing Ryan's shoulders in concern. "Is it-" he says, eyes wide, and Ryan nods.
"Oh fuck fuck fuck," Brendon mumbles.
"That's not really...reassuring," Ryan says with difficulty.
Brendon shakes his head as if to clear it. "Okay. Okay. It'll be fine, Ry, I promise."
"What's going on. What is it?" McKay asks nervously.
"Can we take your car?" Brendon asks frantically as he helps Ryan off the couch. "I'll give you directions on the way to the hospital."
"To the. Oh no. No no no, this cannot be happening again, why is this always happening to me," McKay rambles frantically to himself. "You don't understand, it's like I'm cursed or something, it's like being around me makes people spontaneously need to give birth, and then I have to witness it, and-"
Brendon sets Ryan back on the couch and walks over to McKay and slaps him across the face. "Get a hold of yourself!"
McKay brings his hand to his cheek in shock. "What the hell!" he yells. "That hurt!"
Brendon's eyes are wide, like he can't believe what he just did. "I'm sorry! I've never. I've never done that before, it just seemed like the thing to do!"
"Hello, kind of having contractions over here," Ryan reminds them, bites back another groan.
Brendon looks at McKay and raises his eyebrows, and McKay says, "Okay, yes, you're right, I'm sorry, of course I will drive you to the hospital."
Here we go again, Ryan thinks when he's finally in the car and they're speeding towards the hospital.
---
"I'm not going to have the baby until Ronon gets here! After all that, he can't not be here!" Ryan yells.
His doctor says, "Mr. Ross, unfortunately we can't wait much longer, we need to start prepping you for-"
Ryan screams something indistinguishable and grips harder on Brendon and McKay's hands.
"Ow!" they both yell.
"Where the hell is he," Ryan yells back.
"I called Spencer as soon as we got here, they're on their way," Brendon assures him.
Ryan hates everyone in the entire world at the moment, and he figures they should know.
"I hate you all!" he announces to the room in general as the nurse does something with his IV.
"Teyla was much better at this," he hears McKay say, and then everything gets kind of fuzzy.
---
He comes to a little when they're wheeling him down the hallway. The lights on the ceiling are very shiny.
"Ronon?" he mumbles, because he thinks he heard Ronon's voice, but maybe he's just hallucinating.
"I'm here," Ronon answers, and he's holding Ryan's hand and jogging alongside the gurney. "Not leaving."
"Okay," Ryan murmurs. "I'm ready now."
---
When Ryan wakes up again, he doesn't know how long it's been. It feels like just a few seconds, but the window across from his bed reveals that it's now night time. Ronon's asleep in a chair, leaning forward so that his head is resting next to Ryan's. Ryan reaches up and touches his hair, and Ronon jolts awake.
"Hey killer," he says, his voice scratchy. He blinks a few times in the harsh fluorescent light. He looks almost as exhausted as Ryan feels.
"Where's...is everything..." Ryan says, because he can hardly bring himself to ask.
Ronon's face breaks into a grin. "Wanna see her?"
---
Ryan and Ronon's daughter weights 8 pounds, 13 ounces, has Ronon's eyes and Ryan's nose, and Ryan thinks she's pretty great, even though she kind of looks like a potato. A really fat one.
"You're gigantic," he comments, as he holds her and she blinks up at him. "No wonder you were giving me so much trouble."
Ronon laughs and leans down to kiss her on the forehead, and then moves to kiss Ryan on the mouth. Ryan can barely handle everything he's feeling.
"Where's Spencer?" he says, as the baby wraps her tiny hand around his thumb.
"Waiting room. Want me to get everyone?"
Ryan nods, doesn't take his eyes off his baby...who needs a name. "Yeah. Yeah, they can come in."
---
Spencer holds her first. "Hi," he whispers, and he doesn't say anything else, but he smiles at Ryan, and Ryan maybe gets a little choked up, and whispers, "Thanks."
Everybody takes turns holding the baby, and cooing and saying how cute and chubby she is.
"Sorry I gave you guys such a hard time," Ryan tells Brendon. "Where's McKay?"
Brendon laughs. "He went in search of coffee...about three hours ago. I think you scared him off."
"Someone else take this thing, it's heavy," Spencer jokes, and Ryan pretends to glare at him as he hands the baby to Pete. He and Ronon seriously need to talk about names soon, because he can't go around calling his kid 'the baby' all the time.
Pete runs a finger along the shell of the baby's tiny pink ear. "She's beautiful," he says to Ryan, and Ryan feels himself get choked up again.
Then Pete hums and says, "Let's have a baby, Patrick," a little dreamily, and Ryan starts laughing when Patrick answers, "yeah, because that would be a great idea."
Ronon sits down next to Ryan again and takes his hand and they watch their friends and their daughter.
"She still needs a name," Ryan reminds him.
Ronon thinks for a second and then smiles. "I think I have an idea."
---
"You cannot be serious," Spencer says.
"We are," Ryan tells him. "It's official. On the birth certificate and everything."
"Ryan," Spencer says very slowly. "Are you telling me. That you named your child after Brendon."
Brendon, looking offended, huffs. "And what's wrong with that?"
"And McKay," Ronon adds. "He was really happy when I told him. I think Sheppard was jealous."
Ryan shifts the baby from one arm to the other. "That's what he gets for running off to go go-karting."
"I think it's a great name," Pete says. "Just as long as you name the second one after me."
"No way," says Ryan.
"Maybe," says Ronon.
Ryan glares at him. "Never. again."
Ronon just laughs and kisses him on the cheek.
"Anyway," Ryan says, still looking suspiciously at Ronon. "I think it suits her. Right, baby?"
He holds her up and looks at her. "Brendine Meredith Ross-Dex."
As if on cue, baby Brendine Meredith starts screaming, her face turning red.
"See, she likes it," Ryan smiles.
He thinks maybe this parenting this is going to be kind of fun.
~~THE END~~
God help us all, I wrote Ryan Ross mpreg. This is the least researched mpreg of all time, I basically threw everything resembling reality out the window for the lolz. I am well aware of this fact!
I don't even know what to do with myself now. What is this even DOING HERE???