The Luckiest Man in America...
I've got a theory.
OK, so a long time ago I was feeling a little bit nostalgic and went to visit my old elementary school. Mind you, this was when I was in 7th grade. I was like 40 pounds overweight, wore the same 3 shirts repeatedly and my favorite music was the mega man theme song. I remember being generally aware that I just wasn't cool. I know that most of you that had the... priviledge(?) of going to high school with me are probably noding your heads. Yeah. I remember being pretty cool in 2nd grade. But since then, not so much.
Ok, so I went back to my elementary school to visit my old 5th grade teacher, Mr. Richwood, and they were having some kind of chess tournament. I walk in, and it's like I'm some kind of celebrity. I used to be in that same club, so everyone remembered me. These kids were the typical nerdy chess-lovin socially-awkward geeks, and I was the coolest, most popular person in the room.
By Default.
Even groups of losers have the cool one. Er, relatively cool, at least. It's like, the person is still a geek, but in that groups sphere of existance, he's the coolest guy ever.
Ryan Seacrest, I'm looking in your direction.
Ok, so you're on a show which is really popular. Reality shows are all the rage and American Idol really entertains people. It gives the average dude the opportunity to get on a stage and impress millions of people. And it also gives the average dude the opportunity to get on a stage and show millions of people why they will always live broke and alone. People are going to watch this show even in spite of the host.
Ok, so you have Paula Abdul. She's great. She had that song... the one back in the 90's, like, it had that wolf in the music video... I think that was her. Yeah, she's great.
There's also Randy Jackson, Paula's sidekick, and probably the only reason that Simon is alive, since Paula seriously wants Simon grilled for lunch. Not the poster boy for American Idol, certainly. He actually is pretty cool, because he's a bass player. But I've got a theory on bass players that I'll tell you later.
And Simon. The most hated man in America. The only time President Bush ever gets nervous about his own safety is when Simon is in town for DC auditions. We'll call him the villain of the show. Paula gets 1st dibs on killing him, she called shotgun on that, but pretty much everyone else in America is in line for a shot.
So, Ryan. You're quite busy nowadays I can imagine. You've got American Idol, a radio show, a new years special, and a show on the E! channel. Good for you. I'd trade places with you in a second. I just wanted you to know that you have all this because you're the best looking loser on the most watched telivision show in the world. It could have been Tom Arnold.
OK, so a long time ago I was feeling a little bit nostalgic and went to visit my old elementary school. Mind you, this was when I was in 7th grade. I was like 40 pounds overweight, wore the same 3 shirts repeatedly and my favorite music was the mega man theme song. I remember being generally aware that I just wasn't cool. I know that most of you that had the... priviledge(?) of going to high school with me are probably noding your heads. Yeah. I remember being pretty cool in 2nd grade. But since then, not so much.
Ok, so I went back to my elementary school to visit my old 5th grade teacher, Mr. Richwood, and they were having some kind of chess tournament. I walk in, and it's like I'm some kind of celebrity. I used to be in that same club, so everyone remembered me. These kids were the typical nerdy chess-lovin socially-awkward geeks, and I was the coolest, most popular person in the room.
By Default.
Even groups of losers have the cool one. Er, relatively cool, at least. It's like, the person is still a geek, but in that groups sphere of existance, he's the coolest guy ever.
Ryan Seacrest, I'm looking in your direction.
Ok, so you're on a show which is really popular. Reality shows are all the rage and American Idol really entertains people. It gives the average dude the opportunity to get on a stage and impress millions of people. And it also gives the average dude the opportunity to get on a stage and show millions of people why they will always live broke and alone. People are going to watch this show even in spite of the host.
Ok, so you have Paula Abdul. She's great. She had that song... the one back in the 90's, like, it had that wolf in the music video... I think that was her. Yeah, she's great.
There's also Randy Jackson, Paula's sidekick, and probably the only reason that Simon is alive, since Paula seriously wants Simon grilled for lunch. Not the poster boy for American Idol, certainly. He actually is pretty cool, because he's a bass player. But I've got a theory on bass players that I'll tell you later.
And Simon. The most hated man in America. The only time President Bush ever gets nervous about his own safety is when Simon is in town for DC auditions. We'll call him the villain of the show. Paula gets 1st dibs on killing him, she called shotgun on that, but pretty much everyone else in America is in line for a shot.
So, Ryan. You're quite busy nowadays I can imagine. You've got American Idol, a radio show, a new years special, and a show on the E! channel. Good for you. I'd trade places with you in a second. I just wanted you to know that you have all this because you're the best looking loser on the most watched telivision show in the world. It could have been Tom Arnold.