New Year's Eve II
i just wrote down everything that happened between 6pm and 1 am yesterday. then a stupid fucking cunt who thinks she lives in my house turned on the tv and as a consequence of having to get up and leave my own warm, cozy, dimly lit living room, the browser window closed and its all gone.
i had a really good night. theres a lot i could say in an opening paragraph but i already did it once. i already thought through everything once and traced my steps, set up the atmosphere. i said that writing an account of everything i did would be the perfect last activity for 2003. throughout the spring and the beginning of the summer that's what i did. that's what i did when we drank a lot of whisky, thats what i did when we first hung out with the kids, thats what i did when i first listened to dark side in the dark really stoned with the boys, that's what i did when i first got to Porter (i think), and those are parts of 2003 that came together last night. every part did, including the bad, but i put that into perspective and realized how to deal with it. some really good things happened; there was closure, or, if not closure, i was assured that time isn't running out. i'm one step closer to a lot of things and the pace is fine. every few months when i come home i'll see who i want to see, coming one step closer to knowing them every time, and i'll fall in love with the clouds and the view again, i'll get used to the streets, i'll pick out liquor at the store, i'll hotbox here or there, and i'll never loose the relationships and joys which have spawned from the past 12 months of experience.
All that you touch
All that you see
All that you taste
All you feel.
All that you love
All that you hate
All you distrust
All you save.
All that you give
All that you deal
All that you buy,
Beg, borrow or steal.
All you create
All you destroy
All that you do
All that you say.
All that you eat
And everyone you meet
All that you slight
And everyone you fight.
All that is now
All that is gone
All that’s to come
And everything under the sun is in tune
this morning sucks now, it was actually perfect until marsha came along. i guess that its a sign 2004 will have its share of conflict. seems like the majority of my conflicts will be with cluelessness. tv keeps getting in my way because people abuse it. i had a problem with that in Tahoe. now i have a problem with marsha, again. addictions, those will be my greatest adversary whether they're actually mine or someone else's, and whether they're to drugs, laziness, tv, video-games, money, or makeup, i'll have to live around them and try, in one way or another, to keep their alternatives appealing.
But the sun is eclipsed by the moon.
however corny it may be to use them, those lyrics have never rung more true. only the last line is a problem, though now that my spirit is broken and i can't think about all that, it is perfect, and i'm pleased that my brain made the connection.
i have a lot of stuff. it doesnt matter much, it doesnt make me happy or more complete. other people like to see stuff though, they like well decorated rooms and interesting clothes. they like fake flowers and picture frames, retro patterns and lively jewelry. i have it because it's nice. i might as well have things that are fun if i'm gonna have things at all and i appreciate balance and color and form and line and texture and everything shiny and sentimentality as much as anyone else who can see or feel them. making things pretty takes so little effort, so little time, and yet it has a gigantic effect. it weighs me down sometimes, having flowers and broaches and bracelets and purses. as much as i felt weighed down by my bebe jacket (very successful gift from dad. grey, suity, with pink stitching on the surface), giant quilted hippy purse (with broken strap but holding bourbon and so co), embroidered holiday hair ribbon, large marbelized red bead necklace, and huge imitation amber bracelt, i realized how little i was concerned about my appearance and was relieved by that. my legs aren't shaven, and they won't be anytime soon. my hair i cut a week or two ago with a pair of little scissors and barely spent five minutes making it even. i was wearing comfy long underwear and pants that have been worn 5 times since their last washing. i had on 2 pair of socks that came randomly from the drawer, and birkenstocks. so i put on a bra and a little eyeliner, i even re-applied my gold lip stuff now and then (gold = new year's). no matter how dressed up i worried that i looked, i knew i'd balanced my material indulgences with good sense and confidence. i drew a conclusion, while mingling in san francisco among strangers with familiar faces and names. there are a lot of people around who care about me and they've seen me through different phases and have known me in various settings. i never have to be lonely. at most i only have to wait a little bit for the comfort of being with someone who likes me as much as i like them. if i have fun, and use the trinkets and treasures i own it doesnt mean im being someone else or forsaking some intrinsic human value. i dont need to attract attention from anyone. wearing a ribbon in my hair or a soft, white, 50 cent sweater is enough to make me feel special in a crowd. Nobody cares whether my legs are smooth or not and if my hair is uneven. I don't know that ive ever worried much about that, not in years anyway, but i feel very free and like i, myself, am actually successful. i can't pinpoint what it is exactly. life i suppose, is close enough. maybe i haven't been clear, i'm just kind of writing as i think through this tangent.
im hungry and if i get something to eat i think that ill be ready to pick up where i left of with my account of 2003's close. i'll be startind in 2004 but maybe when im done ill be willing to rewrite all of the first seven hours worth of activities. i like to remember things. i like to work them out. i put it off more and more but ill feel better about all those other times if i just have a conclusion. it summarizes so much of the year that last night is a metaphor good enough to explain it all. maybe ill dissect it later and annotate it, but that'll be something i do on my own. for now its lunch time. happy new year.
how can grateful dead songs ive heard a thousand times still draw tears from regular complacent happiness?
dont tread on me.
i had a really good night. theres a lot i could say in an opening paragraph but i already did it once. i already thought through everything once and traced my steps, set up the atmosphere. i said that writing an account of everything i did would be the perfect last activity for 2003. throughout the spring and the beginning of the summer that's what i did. that's what i did when we drank a lot of whisky, thats what i did when we first hung out with the kids, thats what i did when i first listened to dark side in the dark really stoned with the boys, that's what i did when i first got to Porter (i think), and those are parts of 2003 that came together last night. every part did, including the bad, but i put that into perspective and realized how to deal with it. some really good things happened; there was closure, or, if not closure, i was assured that time isn't running out. i'm one step closer to a lot of things and the pace is fine. every few months when i come home i'll see who i want to see, coming one step closer to knowing them every time, and i'll fall in love with the clouds and the view again, i'll get used to the streets, i'll pick out liquor at the store, i'll hotbox here or there, and i'll never loose the relationships and joys which have spawned from the past 12 months of experience.
All that you touch
All that you see
All that you taste
All you feel.
All that you love
All that you hate
All you distrust
All you save.
All that you give
All that you deal
All that you buy,
Beg, borrow or steal.
All you create
All you destroy
All that you do
All that you say.
All that you eat
And everyone you meet
All that you slight
And everyone you fight.
All that is now
All that is gone
All that’s to come
And everything under the sun is in tune
this morning sucks now, it was actually perfect until marsha came along. i guess that its a sign 2004 will have its share of conflict. seems like the majority of my conflicts will be with cluelessness. tv keeps getting in my way because people abuse it. i had a problem with that in Tahoe. now i have a problem with marsha, again. addictions, those will be my greatest adversary whether they're actually mine or someone else's, and whether they're to drugs, laziness, tv, video-games, money, or makeup, i'll have to live around them and try, in one way or another, to keep their alternatives appealing.
But the sun is eclipsed by the moon.
however corny it may be to use them, those lyrics have never rung more true. only the last line is a problem, though now that my spirit is broken and i can't think about all that, it is perfect, and i'm pleased that my brain made the connection.
i have a lot of stuff. it doesnt matter much, it doesnt make me happy or more complete. other people like to see stuff though, they like well decorated rooms and interesting clothes. they like fake flowers and picture frames, retro patterns and lively jewelry. i have it because it's nice. i might as well have things that are fun if i'm gonna have things at all and i appreciate balance and color and form and line and texture and everything shiny and sentimentality as much as anyone else who can see or feel them. making things pretty takes so little effort, so little time, and yet it has a gigantic effect. it weighs me down sometimes, having flowers and broaches and bracelets and purses. as much as i felt weighed down by my bebe jacket (very successful gift from dad. grey, suity, with pink stitching on the surface), giant quilted hippy purse (with broken strap but holding bourbon and so co), embroidered holiday hair ribbon, large marbelized red bead necklace, and huge imitation amber bracelt, i realized how little i was concerned about my appearance and was relieved by that. my legs aren't shaven, and they won't be anytime soon. my hair i cut a week or two ago with a pair of little scissors and barely spent five minutes making it even. i was wearing comfy long underwear and pants that have been worn 5 times since their last washing. i had on 2 pair of socks that came randomly from the drawer, and birkenstocks. so i put on a bra and a little eyeliner, i even re-applied my gold lip stuff now and then (gold = new year's). no matter how dressed up i worried that i looked, i knew i'd balanced my material indulgences with good sense and confidence. i drew a conclusion, while mingling in san francisco among strangers with familiar faces and names. there are a lot of people around who care about me and they've seen me through different phases and have known me in various settings. i never have to be lonely. at most i only have to wait a little bit for the comfort of being with someone who likes me as much as i like them. if i have fun, and use the trinkets and treasures i own it doesnt mean im being someone else or forsaking some intrinsic human value. i dont need to attract attention from anyone. wearing a ribbon in my hair or a soft, white, 50 cent sweater is enough to make me feel special in a crowd. Nobody cares whether my legs are smooth or not and if my hair is uneven. I don't know that ive ever worried much about that, not in years anyway, but i feel very free and like i, myself, am actually successful. i can't pinpoint what it is exactly. life i suppose, is close enough. maybe i haven't been clear, i'm just kind of writing as i think through this tangent.
im hungry and if i get something to eat i think that ill be ready to pick up where i left of with my account of 2003's close. i'll be startind in 2004 but maybe when im done ill be willing to rewrite all of the first seven hours worth of activities. i like to remember things. i like to work them out. i put it off more and more but ill feel better about all those other times if i just have a conclusion. it summarizes so much of the year that last night is a metaphor good enough to explain it all. maybe ill dissect it later and annotate it, but that'll be something i do on my own. for now its lunch time. happy new year.
how can grateful dead songs ive heard a thousand times still draw tears from regular complacent happiness?
dont tread on me.