(no subject)

[heyabi]

It is the first marker in my college career. Most would say that they are going home for the first time at Thanksgiving, but for me that would be incorrect. I have my car at school so I have gone home several times. I was home on sunday and today is tuesday and tomorrow evening I will be home. College is not what I was expecting. I feel like I had high hopes for my college experience and like many things, I need to learn not to have such expectations. I get this sick feeling in my heart when I think of how unhappy I am at school. There are a handful of people that I like here, and amongst them it is difficult to really get to know them. I have alienated some of my closest high school friends, and my family is disappointed when I come home instead of rejoiced. I am doing relatively well in my classes, but I also don't feel connected to them. I don't get excited to go to school, instead I feel close to repulsed. Lately, I can't picture myself in the future. I used to be able to picture myself at different landmarks in my life, but presently I can't picture myself in the future weeks. Crying at any given moment is a normal feeling for me, and sleeping is a regular part of my schedule, but only in the middle of the day and not at night. What is worse about this whole situation, is that I have no desire to make it better. I have opportunities, but I turn my head to them. I don't know why. I say out loud that I want things to get better, but inside, I know that I have no desire. Where has the desire gone? I have no idea, I wish I could get it back. I want to move forward with my life but right now, I am at a road block and I need to find an alternative route. In the absence of a detour, I am going to bang my head on the steering wheel waiting in traffic....

HAPPY HOLIDAYS

love abi