[ we both learned to cradle, then live without. ]
1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before?
Got a fish called Highsmith Guy. Tried waffles. Had a hot incest/pedophilia movie marathon. Made my first zine (& my second, both for class credit, what WHAT!). Turned down two unspeakably hot potential lovers out of sheer responsibility. Initiated contact with my estranged grandparents. Visited Kara at Oberlin, like, four times. Had a date-of-sorts with R. Lost a lot of inhibitions. Embarked on an emergency roadtrip to see the sweetest girl ever. Gave up on Kel. Managed friends-with-benefits with minimal weirdness. Swam with dolphins! Corresponded with prison inmates (one on death row, even!). Worked at Y Camp for the summer. Decided that I would rather teach English than do anything I was actually studying for. Committed vandalism in the name of Harry Potter. Saw the Little River Conway!! Had a Prelude Party? (I am fishing, now.)
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
My resolution for the past three years has been to “tell the truth, love at each opportunity, and try not to fuck up too badly.” I’ve really pushed the truth-telling this year, sometimes bringing about a lot of drama but generally being for the best. I have exhausted myself by loving so much, & occasionally lapsed into random bouts of cattiness just to balance it all out. I’m still fucking up, though. Looks like I’ll keep that resolution around for another year until I get it right. Also, I just want to be braver this year. I can’t spend another twelve months being terrified, I just can’t.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Alas, no. I wanted to, but Robert’s idea of mood music was Mama Cass’s “Make Your Own Kind of Music”, & I have my limits. Someone needs to knock me up, stat, or else I really will start stealing children in department stores. I’ll be The Girl, the one you see on the six o’clock news, & you’ll be sorry.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
My Great-Grandma Hall died early in the year, which really devastated me. I wasn’t close enough to her - I hadn’t spoken with her in years, since that part of my family is so distant & estranged, & I’m still heavy with regret over it. Also, we put Graham to sleep this summer, which was a particularly low moment for my entire family. Gosh, I miss that silly old dog more than I’d ever counted on.
5. What countries did you visit?
I slept through most of Costa Maya, Mexico, & we didn’t get to dock in Grand Cayman because of the weather. Still, I fell a little bit in love with Jamaica, & could have stayed on there for so much longer. I should have gone to England, though.
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005?
Courage. That was my answer last year, too.
7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
Actually, hardly any dates stand out from this year, while I had too many to list in 2004. August 25th, I know. October 25th. I probably won’t forget Christmas, either, in keeping with the 25th theme I’ve got going. I’m going to remember so many days, but not dates, I suppose - though I’ve got a daybook where I keep records of everything, just in case.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I cut out quite a few bad habits & became much more independent, but really? My summer job was the greatest thing I actually did this year, I think. I griped so much about the heat & long hours & all of the fighting that went on, but I feel like I managed to create a safe place for a lot of kids who couldn’t find that anywhere else that summer, & even Shaquil was glad to be there, by the end of it. Even though it took a toll on everything else in my life & managed to frustrate & depress me more than anything has before, I’m not sure I’ve ever felt more indispensable & aware of what I wanted. So, yeah, that.
9. What was your biggest failure?
Last year, I answered “holding back, not saying enough.” I’ve been saying more than ever, this year, but I’m still holding so much back, & then complaining when no one feels quite close enough. I’m working on it, though - hopefully I’ll resolve it before alienating anyone else.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I had laryngitis a few times, but it’s my own damn fault for singing so much & so loudly all the time. Aside from that, my immune system is fairly impressive.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Highsmith Guy, my amazing betta fish who is the best listener I know. I love his bubble nests & his pretty swishy tail & the way he blows me kisses, sometimes, & flares up defensively. Now if he’d only stop trying to jump out of his tank, we’d be golden.
12. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Several severely bad-news crushes. Saving wayward insects from being squished. Doing drag & sometimes passing! Seeing The Most Fabulous Story Ever Told performed! Goblet of Fire, RENT, & Narnia, all of which were every bit as fantastic as I had expected. My bizarre string of boycrushes who all showed up in the caf at the same time every night, inexplicably. Abraham Lincoln/Walt Whitman slash. SISTER HAZEL, LIVE AT THE HOUSE OF BLUES!! My cruise, & all of the incredible people I met that week. Office hours. Jason’s letters & phone calls & photographs. Coming-out stories! The release of Book Six!! Strangers in airports. Comrade Snarky, keeper of my keys. Having a Christmas-light photoshoot like Hanson did for Snowed In!! Future-planning. David Hopes’s travel/sex blog. Young adult lesbian love novels. Billy from Social Psych, & how he called me “libidinous” & asked about my “conquests”!! Switching life plans suddenly. Nights out with my Izzymonster. The bloodplay-versus-watersports debate we drug out for days. Every single time I got to see Kara (& all of our continued storytelling). Making zines. My professors, to an unhealthy extent. Karaoke!! The Fourth of July at Myrtle Beach (& seeing Camille again). My new fish. The musical episode of 7th Heaven!! My best ambition: to make a movie set in an early nineties era German club with an all Ace of Base soundtrack, called Young & Proud.
13. What songs will always remind you of 2005?
Ben Lee’s “Gamble Everything For Love” inspired some really rash behavior on my part; I think it’s fair to say that this song actually changed my life. “Seasons of Love” from RENT actually did, too, because I made two incredible friends simply because they sang it at karaoke. “Life Got In the Way” by Sister Hazel is my attempting-optimism-after-a-breakup song, & James Blunt’s “Goodbye My Lover” is the one I play when I’ve given up & need to sob. Wham!’s “Careless Whisper”. Cher’s “Believe” has somehow become a permanent reminder of my year, sadly enough. Ali & I spent hours dancing & singing to the Dandy Warhols’s “Bohemian Like You”, which is one of my favorite memories. Zero 7’s “Passing By” got me all hot & bothered & led to bad behavior. disappear fear’s “Fix My Life” is my favorite song of the year, maybe, & served as soundtrack to falling in & out of love & lots of late-night drives with Robert. Gosh, there are a lot of them; I’ll stop there because no one can possibly care.
14. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Laughing, singing, skipping. Taking chances. Making mix CDs.
15. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Hurting people. I think I made more people cry this year than I ever have, & I’m not likely to forgive myself for it anytime soon. Not while they’re still crying, anyway. Also, having rape nightmares.
16. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent the very early hours of Christmas morning saying goodbye to Steve & DJ & Hawk, & trying not to break down over it. The trip home took ages, thanks to delayed flights, but during my layover in Philadelphia, I got to catch up with Robert, Kenny, & Jason. (& I got to read Margaret Atwood’s The Penelopiad!) Came home, opened presents, spent a tiny bit of requisite family time, then went on a crying jag, then had a really good orgasm, then talked to Ali & sang a lot of Wham! & caught up with Kara. Not a bad Christmas, all said & done. I felt lonely but very, very loved.
17. Did you fall in love in 2005?
Did I ever. Yes, technically twice, but really? Every single day. Especially if fictional characters count.
18. How many one-night stands?
None, which I wouldn’t normally regret, but my god, I am a fool.
19. What was your favorite TV program?
Queer As Folk, shockingly enough. I’ve never gotten so fucked up over a series finale before, & doubt I’ll ever connect with a television show in this way again. I still compare potential relationships to Brian&Justin, am still certain I’m destined to be like Michael (though I’m fighting it), am still a wreck every time I hear “Save the Last Dance”. I sound so silly, but fuck it: this show saved me. & now it’s over.
20. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Not unless we’re counting Stern-Faced Girl from Queer Soc.
21. What was the best book you read?
God, this is so gay, but I don’t think I’ve ever cried so much over one book as I did with Leslie Feinberg’s Stone Butch Blues (the exception being Francesca Lia Block’s Wasteland, obviously). It was worth every one of the nightmares it brought about. I spent most of this year reading young adult lit, assigned reading, & slash, it seems like, or else rereading books that had already destroyed me.
22. What was your greatest musical discovery?
I mostly resurrected nineties music, just like last year. That’s so sad. Oh, & then there was Julie Loyd & disappear fear, of course.
23. What did you want and get?
More honesty. A really fulfilling summer job. Amazing new friends. A new camera. The two best vacations ever. To meet R. To see Sister Hazel in concert. Highsmith Guy.
24. What did you want and not get?
Closure. But then, when have I ever tried for that? Also, my brother’s coming out.
25. What was your favorite film of this year?
Oh god, I hate this question. Probably RENT because I’ve been waiting for it since I was thirteen & it didn’t let me down & it made me giddy & glowing, & I made friends over it, ah. Yes, RENT.
26. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned nineteen. I barely remember anything about it; I hate birthdays & try to ignore them, usually. Kara came over for a few hours & it was blissful, really. I played Apples to Apples with my family & laughed to the point of tears several times. Saw the Gattozzis, of course. Mostly, I got really pensive & cried & journalled a lot. Oh, & Robert gave me a Xena action figure a few days beforehand, & that was pretty special.
27. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Security. God, that makes me sound like one of the elderly or something. I don’t need certainty, just a certain kind of safety. It’s totally an issue, lately.
28. What kept you sane?
Ali & Kenny have become absurdly grounding forces for me. Ali lets me cry all over him & sleep over when the nightmares get too hard to take, & Kenny manages to crack me up without making less of whatever’s gotten me down. The morning after my last breakup, I was completely wrecked, & then they came in & everything changed almost instantly. I have some really, really incredible friends, & am the luckiest girl ever because of this.
29. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Xena: Warrior Princess & Ben Bruckner from Queer As Folk, of course. Fuck if they’re fictional. Otherwise, it was all old man crushes, just like last year.
30. What political issue stirred you the most?
I was far too defeatist this year, which I feel really awful about. Less letterwriting, less raising my voice. This needs to change, obviously, stat.
31. Who did you miss?
I missed Greg & my cat every time I left Erie. I’m always missing Kara. I can’t seem to stop missing Young Steven & DJ Lick. This list has gotten smaller since last year, miraculously. Right now, I miss the entirety of Asheville, the Friends of Dorothy, & my kids.
32. Who was the best new person you met?
There’s no way I’m answering this question as it stands. I met Kenny in January, & even if he did think I looked like Suzy Christian, I’m still ridiculously glad for that encounter. David Hopes, even though he’s my professor & that’s sketchy, because his passion ignited my own, & his words have shattered & healed me so many times over. Carl Stewart, the Greyhound passenger with knuckles that bled continuously for ten hours, was pretty incredible, & provided me with breakfast & stories. Jason is 93% & far too faraway for me to feel anything approximating contentment; I’ve never felt so understood by someone before. Steve & DJ & Hawk & Tanya & Lisa & Tyler-Man & Waymon(d?) & Bill/Anthony from the cruise all made me realize how much I craved community & solidarity, & since I met them, I’m much braver & I sing more often.
33. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005.
I’m not about to start spouting platitudes here. Really, I just learned to trust more in myself, & in the people around me, too. I learned a lot about what I can take, if nothing else.
34. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I could go crazy on a night like tonight
when summer’s beginning to give up her fight,
& every thought’s a possibility -
the voices are heard, but nothing is seen.
-“Mystery”, by the Indigo Girls, of course
Except for the part where summer’s already gone (& it did go on past the first snow), that’s it, right now. Mostly. At least I didn’t pick “Best I’ll Ever Be” or some shit like that.
Next year, I am going to sing more, suffer laryngitis less, & call my parents every now & then. Maybe. Still, 2005 was very good to me, if exhausting, & I'm glad you lovelies were around for it. Happy New Year & goodnight!
Current Mood:
2006, bring it on.