See these scars? They're for remembering
So I'm really happy. And then i decide to be stupid and look at old journal entries Cory wrote. he deleted most of them before i went into rehab the last time, but the ones that are there... holy shit. i'm suprised i'm not crying right now. i know it was the wrong time and the wrong place, but he was the first person to feel love for me and he actually put it into words for me. he's still an amazing person and i'd see him more if i could because i always want him in my life as a friend. i read how he was so upset about ashley ripping out his heart, and how he was hesitant in loving me, but got there. Cory was one of the best things that ever happened to me. he made me realize a lot of stuff. that i deserve a lot better than the shit i was getting at the time. that i needed to work on myself. that i needed to be true to myself and show him who i really was on the inside, even though it was an emotional wreck. that i could actually love and be loved back. it was just a nice trip down memory lane. if i had re-read those entries a couple of months ago, it would have sent me straight back to him, but then i realized how much of it was made up simply because we wanted it. you can't love someone just because you want to. yes, i still love him. as a person. as a friend. not romantically. there's different kinds of love, everyone has to realize that at one point or another.
Wow. that wasn't the journal entry i intended on writing. i wanted to tell you guys how happy i am, despite everything that's gone on. i'm truly happy. i'm loved. i have someone that would do anything for me, and even though i know he's lied to me, i love Troy with all my heart. i promised him i wouldn't let noel get in the way of us, and really, i didn't. i let him get in the way. or he let himself get in the way. i don't know why i'm writing this for you guys to see, i guess it just makes me feel better to get it all off my chest and to hopefully have someone that understands what i'm going through. or can sympathize. no i don't want sympathy. i want understanding. i want someone to, for once, understand what i'm going through.
I'm graduating in less than 24 hours, and it made me realize how far i've gotten. i still have a long way to go, but i can now look forward to it. i committed myself to 13 years of school, and i've learned more about myself and how other people work than any class could have taught me. i want to geto n with my life. i want to move past stupid unnecessary drama. i want to move out and be responsible for myself. i'm very independent-minded, but i'm forced to be dependent on my parents because i live at home. when i can move out, at least i'll know how to handle myself. i want to buy my own food. i want to pay my own rent. i want to do what i want, when i want. i want to be out in the world, on my own. i want to move on.
"You're in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won't tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. And you feel like you've done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you're tired. You're in a car with a beautiful boy, and you're trying to tell him that you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling, and you're trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you've discovered something you don't even have a name for." that's love.
Wow. that wasn't the journal entry i intended on writing. i wanted to tell you guys how happy i am, despite everything that's gone on. i'm truly happy. i'm loved. i have someone that would do anything for me, and even though i know he's lied to me, i love Troy with all my heart. i promised him i wouldn't let noel get in the way of us, and really, i didn't. i let him get in the way. or he let himself get in the way. i don't know why i'm writing this for you guys to see, i guess it just makes me feel better to get it all off my chest and to hopefully have someone that understands what i'm going through. or can sympathize. no i don't want sympathy. i want understanding. i want someone to, for once, understand what i'm going through.
I'm graduating in less than 24 hours, and it made me realize how far i've gotten. i still have a long way to go, but i can now look forward to it. i committed myself to 13 years of school, and i've learned more about myself and how other people work than any class could have taught me. i want to geto n with my life. i want to move past stupid unnecessary drama. i want to move out and be responsible for myself. i'm very independent-minded, but i'm forced to be dependent on my parents because i live at home. when i can move out, at least i'll know how to handle myself. i want to buy my own food. i want to pay my own rent. i want to do what i want, when i want. i want to be out in the world, on my own. i want to move on.
"You're in a car with a beautiful boy, and he won't tell you that he loves you, but he loves you. And you feel like you've done something terrible, like robbed a liquor store, or swallowed pills, or shoveled yourself a grave in the dirt, and you're tired. You're in a car with a beautiful boy, and you're trying to tell him that you love him, and you're trying to choke down the feeling, and you're trembling, but he reaches over and he touches you, like a prayer for which no words exist, and you feel your heart taking root in your body, like you've discovered something you don't even have a name for." that's love.