Escribí esta entrada el otro día
Aug 3 2006, 1:58 PM
Since I got back from Spain, I've found myself falling further and further into this bizarre funk. I couldn't understand it- nothing was wrong, I wasn't unhappy, but I still felt lost. It seemed like my grip was slipping from something that I didn't even know I was holding onto. The feeling plateaued while I floated through my summer until this Tuesday morning when the stars aligned (though outshone by the sun): I aced my interview with Hill Holliday while simultaneously falling in love with the company and gaining back the self-confidence I'd lost in recent months. Since then, I've been hit with multiple intense moments of deja vu. Deja vu has intrigued me my entire life, and I can remember back to the mind-jogging bouts I experienced in elementary school. I have had some instances where I've said exactly what was about to happen and others where I've written in my journal years earlier about a dream that didn't make sense- a place I'd never been with people I didn't know- only to live it without realizing until everything lined up and that image returned. So this reappearance of deja vu coincided with a subconscious change that had me talking to myself in a window at 4 a.m. and a renewed feeling of well-being.
My point? After deliberating for more than 10 years, I have come to my own conclusion about deja vu. I think it's our unconscious minds telling us when we're on our path. Being a very confused, somewhat paradoxical person, I jump on and off a lot, but there is definitely a common thread in the deja vu I get- the intensity, the frequency- and the choices I'm making in my life. And I'm starting to wonder if my erratic self is not something I consciously choose. Maybe I find security in chaos because I am founded in a life-force and not a religion or an ideology that is designed to create and maintain (or at least give the illusion of) stability and control.
Since I got back from Spain, I've found myself falling further and further into this bizarre funk. I couldn't understand it- nothing was wrong, I wasn't unhappy, but I still felt lost. It seemed like my grip was slipping from something that I didn't even know I was holding onto. The feeling plateaued while I floated through my summer until this Tuesday morning when the stars aligned (though outshone by the sun): I aced my interview with Hill Holliday while simultaneously falling in love with the company and gaining back the self-confidence I'd lost in recent months. Since then, I've been hit with multiple intense moments of deja vu. Deja vu has intrigued me my entire life, and I can remember back to the mind-jogging bouts I experienced in elementary school. I have had some instances where I've said exactly what was about to happen and others where I've written in my journal years earlier about a dream that didn't make sense- a place I'd never been with people I didn't know- only to live it without realizing until everything lined up and that image returned. So this reappearance of deja vu coincided with a subconscious change that had me talking to myself in a window at 4 a.m. and a renewed feeling of well-being.
My point? After deliberating for more than 10 years, I have come to my own conclusion about deja vu. I think it's our unconscious minds telling us when we're on our path. Being a very confused, somewhat paradoxical person, I jump on and off a lot, but there is definitely a common thread in the deja vu I get- the intensity, the frequency- and the choices I'm making in my life. And I'm starting to wonder if my erratic self is not something I consciously choose. Maybe I find security in chaos because I am founded in a life-force and not a religion or an ideology that is designed to create and maintain (or at least give the illusion of) stability and control.