d e s t r u c t i o n. .
work was lame. i had to cut at least 11lbs of cheese. it was insane. but i prepped for prep last night for this morning heh. so it went smoother than i expect. w00t. christina asked me to go to the olive garden and stuff with her tomorrow...but it's going to be her, her boyfriend keith, josh, and adam. and I think josh is bringing some chick named molly..which is going to be lame as hell. i had a HUGE crush on josh, then it slowed down. and now it's kind of there, but not..a lot. so if i see him with another girl i'll probably get jealous and whatnot. but it won't be because of them, i'll be jealous of christina and her boyfriend as well..but it's a big step for me..i'm really shy and timid..and i know being there is going to be insanely weird for me.. but i guess i'll survive it.. i have nothing else to do tomorrow night. so..who knows..maybe i will have a good time.
you see, i'm lonely. i know i'm always lonely..but as of lately i've been more lonely than normal. i'm not really sure why. but it just seems like everyone is happy...or at least content with their life. and i'm not. i mean, i love everything i have in my life..and i know this will sound selfish..but it seems like it's not enough. i remember how happy i was when i was doing things with andrew.. just talking to him made me feel good. so i guess that's what i'm missing. testosterone. and i hate thinking that i need a boy to be happy, but i guess i do...i guess i've gotten to be that pathetic. but who knows.. i've never really had a boy..and i've never really been happy...so maybe that's not my key. but i need to find this 'key' soon before i crack.. because i know i'll end up cracking again..and that terrifies me.
i also miss school..i don't know why, but it kept my mind off a lot of things i don't want to be thinking, i felt happy going there. and everyone makes fun of the place, and says it's not even real college.. and it's not really college..it's like highschool.. but i don't know, i like it there. i'm glad i went there and made the friends i did. except some are leaving..like..erica.. and her leaving kind of scares me, and makes me jealous heh. i'm scared she'll find someone else to be her best friend..even though i know she loves me, but i'm just so replacable. and then i get jealous because she's going to be doing what i want to do...but only i can't. so that's why i don't talk about you going to a different college, erica. pluh. i'm so lame and retarded.
it's the 'i hate nicole' season..where nicole will find any reason to put herself down and not feel good enough about anything. wish to be a different person..for just one day to know how it feels to be happy..or some bullshit like that..
i'm pathetic...and selfish