give it up..
i figure that since i have a whole mess in my head..i'll let it out on something and maybe get some feedback or what-have-you.
right now..i'm eating frozen grapes. they are so good. if you have not had them before...do so! fantastic.
okay, so the first thing i have on my mind is..
i'm bored. i'm bored with nicole. i feel like i just wake up.. sit around..go to work..then fall asleep to start my day over..
ofcourse there is the time when i get to see my lovely friends..go to shows or something.. but it just seems..like it's not enough. i'm not saying YOU'RE not enough..YOU are all i've been asking for my whole life. to be able to say "friends" is a wonderful thing.
the first time i thought i needed something new in my life..i got tattooed.. the second time... i got my nose pierced.. and they both worked..i felt okay after i got them done..like..'this is what i needed'..and i've been dying for some tattooes.. but i run into problems.. 1) i don't know what i want..and 2) i don't know where i would want it..
well, i know what i want.. but i'd have to lose a lot of weight in order to get them..
which then leads into a new set of problems..
i need to stick to this diet..and lose weight.
i want to be desired. i don't want to be the person who is overlooked because of the outside appearence..
i thinkknow that if i was thinner..i'd be more self confident and i'd go out and do more..
but i find it hard to commit to something..and to have will-power.
and i suppose that's why i can't seem to get the energy to start studying..and becomming more involved with what i want to be in life.
i can see what i want, i can see myself achieving it.. but i can't..get started..and keep on track.
i would love to spend a few hours here and there..studying stuff.. being able to html..being able to program..being able to do graphics..and build shit on the internet. i just..can't seem to motivate myself.
erica had a good idea and ask how people got the knowledge they have...how they started out..and i think i'll do that.
studying might also keep my mind busy..and not lead me to thinking other gross things.
and since i have nothing to do tomorrow..i may start then...
a while ago.. i wrote an entry on how i want to lose a total of 30 pounds this summer..
that's not happening..haha. i haven't even lost half that yet..
maybe once i get my butt in gear..and start following the diet again..i'll be close to 30.
i just want to be noticably thinner.
I NEED SOME FUCKING MOTIVATION! SOME FUCKING WILL-POWER! AND SOME FUCKING CONFIDENCE IN MYSELF!
man these grapes are awesome..
so i suppose i would like the accomplish the following:
build up my programming
build up my HTMLing
lose more weight. (follow the diet!)
learn to love myself and be happy.
sigh..
and one last thing i need to get out..but i don't really want to..but i just have to..
i know i rant about guys a lot
and i hate doing it. i hate being attracted to them. i hate wanting one. i hate..them..
and i told myself..no more. no more getting attached.. no more putting myself through this.
i'm better than this.. but i can't help it..
it's just.. i'm too attached. i'm too into it now.. and i feel like i can't crawl back..
i've known him a while..and i always had feelings for him...burried inside me..
but i kept it hidden..i tried to forget them..
then we'd go time without talking..and i'd forget more..
and he'd come back in my life..
they'd come back..
and we're talking now..
with no break..like before..
and my feelings just keep building up..and i can't seem to control them.
he broke up with his girlfriend..and i tried to comfort him as best as i could.
then he made me feel as though..i had a chance.
but it was taken away.. and i'm not sure really why..
he never told me anythings really..
except..
"i don't know."
i think he got back with her.
(i feel lame talking about this..when he could read it..and think i was nuts..or lame or something..but i am..i'm sorry. jfjhesxz)
i won't ask though..i'm too scared to find out the truth. i know my heart would break..
i pour my heart out. and try to tell him how i feel. and i need to stop. he doesn't care. i need to just..forget it all.
forget how i feel. forget whatever i thought COULD someday..happen.
i just wish..he cared..
and if he did care..he showed me.
whenever i say something..he ignores it..so i say something lame..so he'll repond to something.
she's lucky. so very lucky. and i really hope she knows that. and i hope she makes him happy.
i just want to be her..just to see how his lips feel. or what it feels like to be inside his arms..
but it all doesn't matter..
how i feel.
how i think.
how i ache.
it doesn't matter.
i know that..if i had the chance..
i would try to make him..as happy..as possible.
and make him feel wonderful..all the time..
and wanted.
and cherished.
fuck it..
how do i push out these feelings?
how do i let go?
i want to.. i don't want this anymore..i can't handle it.
it's dragging me down..
and i've been pushed so far down these last few days..it's mentally..exhuasting..
i've been painting marcella's..and we listen to oldies..
and they're all love songs..
and i get so..upset..and i start thinking about this..and god. i'm insane.
i try to have it so..he comes to me..and starts talking to me..but then i cave in..
because i just need to talk to him..
although..he doesn't talk to me much..he gets distracted.
and i feel..unimportant..
and insignificant..
and pushed aside like i don't matter.
"eh, i can keep doing this because i know she'll come back.." is what i think..he is thinking..
...no...
please.. just no.
i think i deserve better treatment.
why can't i be stronger?
kjefsd
HAVE SOME FUCKING BALLS.
"you'd be like heaven to touch.. i want to hold you so much.."
i need a vacation. a get away. i need to be someone else..
i need to just..change lives.
or change my own..
i also need a new job.. the one i am at..is driving me insane..and going there is frustrating.
it's no longer fun..
it's no longer worth my time..
the people there make my life so much more stressful.
i don't get paid enough to be there.
to do what i do.
to put up with the things i go through.
the kids are so inept..and so selfish.
they do things for themself and then leave.
and of course..i get stuck cleaning up after them
or working for them when they want to call in sick to have a party.
or to pull a double shift.
or to train these 14 year old kids..who can't grasp anything i throw at them.
no breaks.
i haven't had a raise in a while.
i work..all the time.
oh, back to the no breaks..
if you smoke..you get to have a smoking break..but if not..you can't
so i decided to take up smoking..minus the cigarette.
i just stand there..do nothing..and claim it as my cigarette break.
fhvbijuokdls
another reason to study more..so i can find a new job..and be good at what i want to be good at..
i should start sometime soon, huh?
we'll see...
right now..i'm eating frozen grapes. they are so good. if you have not had them before...do so! fantastic.
okay, so the first thing i have on my mind is..
i'm bored. i'm bored with nicole. i feel like i just wake up.. sit around..go to work..then fall asleep to start my day over..
ofcourse there is the time when i get to see my lovely friends..go to shows or something.. but it just seems..like it's not enough. i'm not saying YOU'RE not enough..YOU are all i've been asking for my whole life. to be able to say "friends" is a wonderful thing.
the first time i thought i needed something new in my life..i got tattooed.. the second time... i got my nose pierced.. and they both worked..i felt okay after i got them done..like..'this is what i needed'..and i've been dying for some tattooes.. but i run into problems.. 1) i don't know what i want..and 2) i don't know where i would want it..
well, i know what i want.. but i'd have to lose a lot of weight in order to get them..
which then leads into a new set of problems..
i need to stick to this diet..and lose weight.
i want to be desired. i don't want to be the person who is overlooked because of the outside appearence..
i thinkknow that if i was thinner..i'd be more self confident and i'd go out and do more..
but i find it hard to commit to something..and to have will-power.
and i suppose that's why i can't seem to get the energy to start studying..and becomming more involved with what i want to be in life.
i can see what i want, i can see myself achieving it.. but i can't..get started..and keep on track.
i would love to spend a few hours here and there..studying stuff.. being able to html..being able to program..being able to do graphics..and build shit on the internet. i just..can't seem to motivate myself.
erica had a good idea and ask how people got the knowledge they have...how they started out..and i think i'll do that.
studying might also keep my mind busy..and not lead me to thinking other gross things.
and since i have nothing to do tomorrow..i may start then...
a while ago.. i wrote an entry on how i want to lose a total of 30 pounds this summer..
that's not happening..haha. i haven't even lost half that yet..
maybe once i get my butt in gear..and start following the diet again..i'll be close to 30.
i just want to be noticably thinner.
I NEED SOME FUCKING MOTIVATION! SOME FUCKING WILL-POWER! AND SOME FUCKING CONFIDENCE IN MYSELF!
man these grapes are awesome..
so i suppose i would like the accomplish the following:
build up my programming
build up my HTMLing
lose more weight. (follow the diet!)
learn to love myself and be happy.
sigh..
and one last thing i need to get out..but i don't really want to..but i just have to..
i know i rant about guys a lot
and i hate doing it. i hate being attracted to them. i hate wanting one. i hate..them..
and i told myself..no more. no more getting attached.. no more putting myself through this.
i'm better than this.. but i can't help it..
it's just.. i'm too attached. i'm too into it now.. and i feel like i can't crawl back..
i've known him a while..and i always had feelings for him...burried inside me..
but i kept it hidden..i tried to forget them..
then we'd go time without talking..and i'd forget more..
and he'd come back in my life..
they'd come back..
and we're talking now..
with no break..like before..
and my feelings just keep building up..and i can't seem to control them.
he broke up with his girlfriend..and i tried to comfort him as best as i could.
then he made me feel as though..i had a chance.
but it was taken away.. and i'm not sure really why..
he never told me anythings really..
except..
"i don't know."
i think he got back with her.
(i feel lame talking about this..when he could read it..and think i was nuts..or lame or something..but i am..i'm sorry. jfjhesxz)
i won't ask though..i'm too scared to find out the truth. i know my heart would break..
i pour my heart out. and try to tell him how i feel. and i need to stop. he doesn't care. i need to just..forget it all.
forget how i feel. forget whatever i thought COULD someday..happen.
i just wish..he cared..
and if he did care..he showed me.
whenever i say something..he ignores it..so i say something lame..so he'll repond to something.
she's lucky. so very lucky. and i really hope she knows that. and i hope she makes him happy.
i just want to be her..just to see how his lips feel. or what it feels like to be inside his arms..
but it all doesn't matter..
how i feel.
how i think.
how i ache.
it doesn't matter.
i know that..if i had the chance..
i would try to make him..as happy..as possible.
and make him feel wonderful..all the time..
and wanted.
and cherished.
fuck it..
how do i push out these feelings?
how do i let go?
i want to.. i don't want this anymore..i can't handle it.
it's dragging me down..
and i've been pushed so far down these last few days..it's mentally..exhuasting..
i've been painting marcella's..and we listen to oldies..
and they're all love songs..
and i get so..upset..and i start thinking about this..and god. i'm insane.
i try to have it so..he comes to me..and starts talking to me..but then i cave in..
because i just need to talk to him..
although..he doesn't talk to me much..he gets distracted.
and i feel..unimportant..
and insignificant..
and pushed aside like i don't matter.
"eh, i can keep doing this because i know she'll come back.." is what i think..he is thinking..
...no...
please.. just no.
i think i deserve better treatment.
why can't i be stronger?
kjefsd
HAVE SOME FUCKING BALLS.
"you'd be like heaven to touch.. i want to hold you so much.."
i need a vacation. a get away. i need to be someone else..
i need to just..change lives.
or change my own..
i also need a new job.. the one i am at..is driving me insane..and going there is frustrating.
it's no longer fun..
it's no longer worth my time..
the people there make my life so much more stressful.
i don't get paid enough to be there.
to do what i do.
to put up with the things i go through.
the kids are so inept..and so selfish.
they do things for themself and then leave.
and of course..i get stuck cleaning up after them
or working for them when they want to call in sick to have a party.
or to pull a double shift.
or to train these 14 year old kids..who can't grasp anything i throw at them.
no breaks.
i haven't had a raise in a while.
i work..all the time.
oh, back to the no breaks..
if you smoke..you get to have a smoking break..but if not..you can't
so i decided to take up smoking..minus the cigarette.
i just stand there..do nothing..and claim it as my cigarette break.
fhvbijuokdls
another reason to study more..so i can find a new job..and be good at what i want to be good at..
i should start sometime soon, huh?
we'll see...