(no subject)
psychologist time!
anyways, i think theyre going to write me a perscription.
the doctors.
not the psychologist.
she doesnt do that.
psychiatrists do that.
but whatev', my psychologist gots the hookups.
anyways,
i wonder if this is all teen angst?
i almost want to think it is
i mean, im sure to a degree it is.
but i think i my brain takes it to the extreme.
..go big or go home, thats what i always say!
cameron talks to me now
hes nice
we misunderstood eachother.
..turns out, he used to be really fat.
that makes me feel better.
haaaa.
but yeah.
he looks like a teddy bear.
so im doing reallllllllllllllly well in school!!!!!!
except i cant make myself go anymore.
i get in my car and start driving there and then i freak out and cant go.
i pretend its because im lazy but its not that.
i feel horrible.
seriously.. i dont think ill ever be able to make my parents proud and i really really fucking kills me to know that.
but i just cant go yet.
not now.
i need help first..
i just want to talk to someone first.
i just want to talk
and then ill go.
think about it.
who would rather sit in their car in some random parking lot for 5 hours in the middle of winter (most of the time without the heat on because it wastes too much gas to leave my car running) than go to school ..only twice a week... where i was doing really really well?
me.
and it hurts.
im such a disappointment.
im disgusted with myself that im doing this again.
first middle school.. then high school.. and now fucking college.
i thought taking some time off would help my anxiety and shit, but evidently it didnt.
i dont think ill go to bed tonight.
its so weird to me
one minute (now) i can be bouncy and in good spirits, feeling fantastic!
..but up until about an hour ago i was freaking out and sobbing in my room, which started on the drive home from work at 530.
its so weird.
my dad called and i couldnt stop crying.
just like thursday.. i had an attack (i guess thats what im calling it now?) on the way home and i had to pull over.
at school i always want to disappear because i can never stop thinking about how everyone is talking about me and laughing at me and thinking about how ugly and fat i am.
isnt that horrible?
why would anyone want to go to a place like that?
and ..i mean. i know that isnt whats really going on..
but i cant stop myself from thinking it.
and then i freak out in my head and cry the whole way home from school.
i was telling katie tonight that i feel like i should develope some other addiction besides smoking.
want to know why?
because i feel like people dont believe me.
i feel like some people (the like.. three people that know what goes on in my head) think that im faking it or making it up.
"well you never seem sad or upset when youre around me."
DUH.
i dont want to talk about it with you.
so why would i freak out in front of you.
i only have (to paraphrase someone.. which sucks) "..like two friends"
so why would i want to freak you out.
i hang out with you because i dont feel like you hate me secretly.
thats what it is.
please.
i know im not addicted to coke, and i dont text you about killing myself.
but that doesnt make me any less.................something.
im just.. not faking it. okay?
i know you never said i was.
but i feel like you think that.
we joke about it sometimes.
i feel like you think im faking it.
i need to get back to my summer weight again.
not that it was skinny
but it was less than this big mass of a body i have right now.
i think ill start tanning and smoking more too.
if im going to die in four years when the world ends, i atleast want to go out looking like a million bucks.
anyways, i think theyre going to write me a perscription.
the doctors.
not the psychologist.
she doesnt do that.
psychiatrists do that.
but whatev', my psychologist gots the hookups.
anyways,
i wonder if this is all teen angst?
i almost want to think it is
i mean, im sure to a degree it is.
but i think i my brain takes it to the extreme.
..go big or go home, thats what i always say!
cameron talks to me now
hes nice
we misunderstood eachother.
..turns out, he used to be really fat.
that makes me feel better.
haaaa.
but yeah.
he looks like a teddy bear.
so im doing reallllllllllllllly well in school!!!!!!
except i cant make myself go anymore.
i get in my car and start driving there and then i freak out and cant go.
i pretend its because im lazy but its not that.
i feel horrible.
seriously.. i dont think ill ever be able to make my parents proud and i really really fucking kills me to know that.
but i just cant go yet.
not now.
i need help first..
i just want to talk to someone first.
i just want to talk
and then ill go.
think about it.
who would rather sit in their car in some random parking lot for 5 hours in the middle of winter (most of the time without the heat on because it wastes too much gas to leave my car running) than go to school ..only twice a week... where i was doing really really well?
me.
and it hurts.
im such a disappointment.
im disgusted with myself that im doing this again.
first middle school.. then high school.. and now fucking college.
i thought taking some time off would help my anxiety and shit, but evidently it didnt.
i dont think ill go to bed tonight.
its so weird to me
one minute (now) i can be bouncy and in good spirits, feeling fantastic!
..but up until about an hour ago i was freaking out and sobbing in my room, which started on the drive home from work at 530.
its so weird.
my dad called and i couldnt stop crying.
just like thursday.. i had an attack (i guess thats what im calling it now?) on the way home and i had to pull over.
at school i always want to disappear because i can never stop thinking about how everyone is talking about me and laughing at me and thinking about how ugly and fat i am.
isnt that horrible?
why would anyone want to go to a place like that?
and ..i mean. i know that isnt whats really going on..
but i cant stop myself from thinking it.
and then i freak out in my head and cry the whole way home from school.
i was telling katie tonight that i feel like i should develope some other addiction besides smoking.
want to know why?
because i feel like people dont believe me.
i feel like some people (the like.. three people that know what goes on in my head) think that im faking it or making it up.
"well you never seem sad or upset when youre around me."
DUH.
i dont want to talk about it with you.
so why would i freak out in front of you.
i only have (to paraphrase someone.. which sucks) "..like two friends"
so why would i want to freak you out.
i hang out with you because i dont feel like you hate me secretly.
thats what it is.
please.
i know im not addicted to coke, and i dont text you about killing myself.
but that doesnt make me any less.................something.
im just.. not faking it. okay?
i know you never said i was.
but i feel like you think that.
we joke about it sometimes.
i feel like you think im faking it.
i need to get back to my summer weight again.
not that it was skinny
but it was less than this big mass of a body i have right now.
i think ill start tanning and smoking more too.
if im going to die in four years when the world ends, i atleast want to go out looking like a million bucks.