(no subject)
Where, exactly, do i fit?
More times than not im left sitting and wondering, "Where, in the whole grand scheme of life, do i fit?"
I make friends, and often times, i decide that they dont coincide with the life im in the process of molding for myself, and i drop them.
Why?
Why do i do that?
It seems so anti-proactive..
But, i guess thats how i was made.
I wasnt made to have a plethora of friends.. i cant deal with it.
And when i say i cant.. i mean, i make a conscious decision not to deal with it.
With a ton of friends, sure, you gain social status and many options for the weekends.. but to me.. i feel that with a ton of friends i would also gain anxiety and drama.. two things that i most certainly want to rid myself of. But also, i think i would lose the feeling of security, loyalty, and intimacy. And i need all of those things more than i can even explain.
Im a very loyal person... or, i like to think so anyways.
People these days dont seem to hold loyalty up too high on the importance level..why?
If i decide i like you.. (wow, doesnt that just seem "holier than thou" -like) or rather, if i decide that youre someone i can let my guard down around.. thats a big step for me.
Most of the friends i have, i keep at arms-length. Ill make plans and break them.. because i just .. i cant deal with the judgment that comes with hanging out.
Its stressful for me to have to put on a face that isnt my own.
So, why dont i just be myself?
Because people dont like people like me.
People dont accept people like me.
I digress..
There are two people in the world, for whom i would do anything for. (my parents are excluded.. they get an automatic in =] )
My loyalty to you is endless.. and you have no idea.
I hold our friendship so close to my heart, and im so lucky to have both of you in my life.
I may fall short in a lot of areas in my life,
and i might fail at all of the little things,
but believe me..
if ever you need anything from me
..its yours.
Thank you for giving me a chance when no one else would.
Thank you for giving me the friendships that ive always watched other people have.
Thank you for giving me somewhere to fall when my life gets unbearable.
I'll probably never tell you when im so sad that i dont want to get up in the morning,
or when my family is falling apart before my very eyes - - for the fourth time.
Thank you for not knowing when i need help.. but being there for me anyways.
Without even realizing it.
Aside from the friendships that i nitpick..
I cant help but feel that i dont fit.
i dont make friends easily;
i dont want to - - im good at acquantances.
Im not skinny.
I dont want to be.
I want to be healthy.
So many people cover up being overweight with saying 'damn! i couldnt be skinny if i wanted to!'
Yeah, ive said it.
Its bullshit.
Give me some laxatives, a strong gag reflex, and a picture of Victoria Beckham with a dialogue bubble saying "Youza Fatty".. and shit, i could be skin and bones in a month or two.
But i dont WANT to be.
With being skinny you also get attention from guys.
Which, yes, is good.
But there are two kinds of attention..
and by you focusing so much on the shallow end of who you are (see: your weight)
..youll, more often than not, also attract the negative, shallow men who only focus on the shallow end of who you are (see: your weight:.)
I dont want that.
Recently, I sent a text to someone- who deserves no recognition -and maturely and respectively explained why i would rather not carry on with our situation. Upon receiving my text, he responded with " its okay u got chubby anyways peace".
And that made me happy.
Obviously it hurt..
but i was happy to finally be out with the truth.
that yes.. i am chubby.
and i have successfully gotten away from an idiot.
Thank you, Thank you.
I am how im supposed to be.
I will get up and work out tomorrow morning
but not because of you.
Oh no.
Make no mistake... you will no longer cross even an inkling of a thought in my mind.
you are nothing to me.
I will do what concerns me, for me.
Not for anyone else.
People who judge others, based on appearances alone, have ugly minds.
we all have ugly minds.
But The One i end up with, and the friends who surround me.. will love me.
Fat or thin.. perfect as imperfect can get.
I do not fit.
I do not want to.
I want to be happy.
I want to be fulfilled.
When im laying in my death bed.. i want to have no regrets.
I just want to be surrounded by the people i had loved most in my lifetime and be able to think about my life, smile, raise my right fist in triumph, and with a big smile on my face, proclaim, "Fuck yeah!".. as i slip away from the Earth.
More times than not im left sitting and wondering, "Where, in the whole grand scheme of life, do i fit?"
I make friends, and often times, i decide that they dont coincide with the life im in the process of molding for myself, and i drop them.
Why?
Why do i do that?
It seems so anti-proactive..
But, i guess thats how i was made.
I wasnt made to have a plethora of friends.. i cant deal with it.
And when i say i cant.. i mean, i make a conscious decision not to deal with it.
With a ton of friends, sure, you gain social status and many options for the weekends.. but to me.. i feel that with a ton of friends i would also gain anxiety and drama.. two things that i most certainly want to rid myself of. But also, i think i would lose the feeling of security, loyalty, and intimacy. And i need all of those things more than i can even explain.
Im a very loyal person... or, i like to think so anyways.
People these days dont seem to hold loyalty up too high on the importance level..why?
If i decide i like you.. (wow, doesnt that just seem "holier than thou" -like) or rather, if i decide that youre someone i can let my guard down around.. thats a big step for me.
Most of the friends i have, i keep at arms-length. Ill make plans and break them.. because i just .. i cant deal with the judgment that comes with hanging out.
Its stressful for me to have to put on a face that isnt my own.
So, why dont i just be myself?
Because people dont like people like me.
People dont accept people like me.
I digress..
There are two people in the world, for whom i would do anything for. (my parents are excluded.. they get an automatic in =] )
My loyalty to you is endless.. and you have no idea.
I hold our friendship so close to my heart, and im so lucky to have both of you in my life.
I may fall short in a lot of areas in my life,
and i might fail at all of the little things,
but believe me..
if ever you need anything from me
..its yours.
Thank you for giving me a chance when no one else would.
Thank you for giving me the friendships that ive always watched other people have.
Thank you for giving me somewhere to fall when my life gets unbearable.
I'll probably never tell you when im so sad that i dont want to get up in the morning,
or when my family is falling apart before my very eyes - - for the fourth time.
Thank you for not knowing when i need help.. but being there for me anyways.
Without even realizing it.
Aside from the friendships that i nitpick..
I cant help but feel that i dont fit.
i dont make friends easily;
i dont want to - - im good at acquantances.
Im not skinny.
I dont want to be.
I want to be healthy.
So many people cover up being overweight with saying 'damn! i couldnt be skinny if i wanted to!'
Yeah, ive said it.
Its bullshit.
Give me some laxatives, a strong gag reflex, and a picture of Victoria Beckham with a dialogue bubble saying "Youza Fatty".. and shit, i could be skin and bones in a month or two.
But i dont WANT to be.
With being skinny you also get attention from guys.
Which, yes, is good.
But there are two kinds of attention..
and by you focusing so much on the shallow end of who you are (see: your weight)
..youll, more often than not, also attract the negative, shallow men who only focus on the shallow end of who you are (see: your weight:.)
I dont want that.
Recently, I sent a text to someone- who deserves no recognition -and maturely and respectively explained why i would rather not carry on with our situation. Upon receiving my text, he responded with " its okay u got chubby anyways peace".
And that made me happy.
Obviously it hurt..
but i was happy to finally be out with the truth.
that yes.. i am chubby.
and i have successfully gotten away from an idiot.
Thank you, Thank you.
I am how im supposed to be.
I will get up and work out tomorrow morning
but not because of you.
Oh no.
Make no mistake... you will no longer cross even an inkling of a thought in my mind.
you are nothing to me.
I will do what concerns me, for me.
Not for anyone else.
People who judge others, based on appearances alone, have ugly minds.
we all have ugly minds.
But The One i end up with, and the friends who surround me.. will love me.
Fat or thin.. perfect as imperfect can get.
I do not fit.
I do not want to.
I want to be happy.
I want to be fulfilled.
When im laying in my death bed.. i want to have no regrets.
I just want to be surrounded by the people i had loved most in my lifetime and be able to think about my life, smile, raise my right fist in triumph, and with a big smile on my face, proclaim, "Fuck yeah!".. as i slip away from the Earth.