Yeah, actually. I had the day from hell at the beginning of the month (I fell in Lake Michigan and lost my keys and my shoe, among other things... long story), but my girlfriend found me the same day and fussed over me, and then Tay dragged me to the girl's sleepover thing this past weekend 'cause Aaron and Buffy were making her go, and it was... actually pretty fun.
A little overwhelming, 'cause there were lots of people and lots of noise, but... fun.
You'd think after losing my dad, I'd be over the whole "feeling guilty 'cause I'm having fun when someone I loved died" thing, but I'm not. I'm... I feel like it's a betrayal, to be going out, having fun, especially when it's only been a couple months. I mean, after Sam, I didn't go out for ages, and I'd only really just started to get over that after a year, and now with Nate gone, it's not even three months out and I'm being social and enjoying myself and... I dunno.
I mean, on the one hand, Tay and Buffy wouldn't let me stay in my room all the time, even if I wanted to. But... I don't want to. I've been so afraid of living my life since I turned 16, and it's been almost nine years now and I just don't want to be afraid anymore. I'm sick of being afraid and useless and only good for giving hugs and baking cookies and freaking out. I'm not sure how to change any of that, but I want to.
...this might've been more than you actually wanted. sorry, I just... start rambling on the journals sometimes and can't stop. I think it's 'cause I don't talk much. Heh.
Thanks for everything, by the way. I imposed on you a really long time and you were awesome about it, and I don't think I ever properly said thanks. You really helped me get through all that shit.
I'm glad things are getting better. :) Survivor's guilt is rough, and in my experience it's never something that just goes away, but you're not doing anything wrong by continuing to live your life. And you definitely didn't do anything wrong by surviving. So just... keep up with it. Making your life be about someone else's death does no one any good.
Trust me, you're going to work things out. If you spend that much of your life in hiding, it'll take a bit of adjustment, but the world's a surprisingly inviting place once you get out into it. Trust me, you should have seen Sam when I first met him. He was
...now I think it might be my turn to ramble on the journals.
Don't worry about the room. I don't tend to use it anyway.
A little overwhelming, 'cause there were lots of people and lots of noise, but... fun.
You'd think after losing my dad, I'd be over the whole "feeling guilty 'cause I'm having fun when someone I loved died" thing, but I'm not. I'm... I feel like it's a betrayal, to be going out, having fun, especially when it's only been a couple months. I mean, after Sam, I didn't go out for ages, and I'd only really just started to get over that after a year, and now with Nate gone, it's not even three months out and I'm being social and enjoying myself and... I dunno.
I mean, on the one hand, Tay and Buffy wouldn't let me stay in my room all the time, even if I wanted to. But... I don't want to. I've been so afraid of living my life since I turned 16, and it's been almost nine years now and I just don't want to be afraid anymore. I'm sick of being afraid and useless and only good for giving hugs and baking cookies and freaking out. I'm not sure how to change any of that, but I want to.
...this might've been more than you actually wanted. sorry, I just... start rambling on the journals sometimes and can't stop. I think it's 'cause I don't talk much. Heh.
Thanks for everything, by the way. I imposed on you a really long time and you were awesome about it, and I don't think I ever properly said thanks. You really helped me get through all that shit.
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Trust me, you're going to work things out. If you spend that much of your life in hiding, it'll take a bit of adjustment, but the world's a surprisingly inviting place once you get out into it. Trust me, you should have seen Sam when I first met him. He was
...now I think it might be my turn to ramble on the journals.
Don't worry about the room. I don't tend to use it anyway.
I'm glad I could have helped.
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