Ahhhhhhh!
What a weekend. I have never had such a cycle of emotions as I've had this past weekend. Lord, people are going to think I am so crazy for saying what I'm about to say.. but you know what? I just can't hold it in like I have been. I mean, it wasn't just this weekend that I've been feeling this.. but my whole freaking life.
Okay.. so like, I've decided that I am going to major in Graphic Design. I enjoy making computer graphics, and it's a good job to obtain. It's something that I truly love to do, honestly.. and it is something that I can succeed in and actually make a career out of... okay, so that's fine.
Singing.
I love to sing. Everyone who knows me knows that singing is a huge part of my life. I express myself through music, I love to sing it, feel it, breathe it into my everyday life. It has been like this since I was a little girl. I always used to watch Disney movies (the good ones like Beauty and The Beast and The Little Mermaid.. not the crappy Disney movies that they have nowadays... BOO to them). I always wanted to be in them when I was little.. I wanted to be Belle, Ariel, Aurora, Cinderella.. heck, I even wanted to be Snow White and I really didn't even like that movie much. I loved it, I sang the songs... I even pranced around my room and pretended like I was in the movie.
Did anyone else notice how much Disney movies can be related to musicals? Hell, they ARE musicals. When I was little it was all about the Disney movies.. and now, at 19 years old.. it's all about the broadway musicals. It sounds so crazy and far fetched.. I went through a phase when I was little when all I wanted to be was a famous pop star.. like a Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera. But you know what? Now that I'm older, I don't wanna be famous anymore. However, my passion and love for singing has never died. My parents always told me when I was little that it was a phase I was going through and that one day it will die down... and you know what, to an extent it did. I don't wanna be famous anymore.. THAT died down. But do I wanna sing? Hell yes I do. Singing is by far the thing I love most out of anything else in this whole world. I love to make graphics, that's true.. but if being a singer wasn't so damn hard... everyone who truly knows me knows that I would be out there singing.
I told myself that I wouldn't try to make singing my profession because it's too hard to make it out there. Not many people do... and it's not a guaranteed profession. But it's my dream. It really is... I've been racking my brain so hard thinking about this. I need to follow my heart... although I'm majoring in graphic design.. I'll never forgive myself if I don't try for my dream. I may not be the greatest pop singer in the world... but I damn well know that if I gave it my all... took singing lessons in order to get confident enough to go out on auditions.. that I could have the possibility of being a damn good broadway performer. It's what I WANT. I can't stop thinking about it... it's driving me nuts. How can I ignore this feeling? I'm not saying that I'm an amazing singer... but I honestly think that with lessons that I can have the potential to possibly be a good singer. I really want to be a good singer. I want to walk into an audition for a broadway show and feel as if I have a GOOD chance of being chosen for the part. That's a GOOD feeling to have. Even if I don't make it... I want to always have that feeling.
I need to have confidence... which by now, is very low with my singing. I'm scared to pursue it... which sounds incredibly silly after my big speech. I'm afraid that if I tell people that people will think I'm just a little girl who's going through a phase. Geez... I've lived for 19 years and WAY back a LOOOONG time ago is when I loved to sing to DISNEY movies. I'd say after all this time... it's not a phase. I want to take voice lessons... but I'm afraid to tell my parents. I want to go on auditions.. but I'm afraid of rejection. I'm so afraid of everything.. and I know I've gotta take a chance and just DO IT. But... I just... it brings me to tears of how scared I am. I know I have to stop being scared... but.. I just need someone to believe in me.. that's all. All it takes is one person to believe that I can do it. I don't know where to start... I don't know how I'd go about finding a voice teacher... and what if they don't think I'm good enough? I just need someone to believe in me.
Have you ever had the feeling that even though with all the good things that you're doing in your life at the moment that you were always meant for something more? Something bigger? Something better? Something truly amazing? I feel like that every day.
If you're one of those people who think that this is silly.. then I really don't wanna hear your comments, keep them to yourself. But those of you who don't think so... I really wanna hear input so please comment. Thank you so much!