A little reflection
I wrote this the beginnning of my senior year. I don't think I ever show'd it to anybody. Probably because I thought it sucked. Some parts may sound harsh, the words are used to explain how I felt, not meaning any anger directed toward a person. I don't blame you if you don't read all of it. i find it hard to read things like this on peoples journals. So feel free not to read it. ...
There was a time, not so long ago
I was afraid of the future, so my anger did show
I hated everything, I didn’t really know why
I even hated school, but I was still determined to try
I looked for dispute, I was an ignorant one
I never found repute, so I still continued on
I was confused, but I was ready
I didn’t care about life, I even wanted to die
I wasn’t happy with my life, I wasn’t happy about people
I caused pain to myself, and began to grow feeble
I had one man to trust, that man was not myself
He was a lot like me, but not at all in it self
He had problems, just like my own
He struggled through school, and had a parent to disown
We fought it out together and continued on through
Growing stronger as we traveled, this horrible life growing true
Starting 7th grade, I grew a hate for my dad
I never liked him much, but now it was a fad
I realized our differences, we had quite a few
He was too conservative, I was too askew
8th grade rolled around, I was failing at school
Gabe was still around, but he was failing too
We started our new credence; it began with the word “punk”
I was having trouble with the theory, so I spent years looking it up
That year was long, it lasted through and through
I kept loosing all hope, then loosing a new
I wanted to find a meaning, I wanted to find truth
I needing a reason for living, I needed to find proof
The next year grew even worse, I was all alone now
Gabe left my school, and my life slowed way down
I found pain as an escape, a reason to lose fear
To find some way to hurt, then throwaway people near
My life plummeted, as violence grew and grew
Eye for an eye, was my theory of the new
I kicked in doors, punched through walls
Screaming, “Fuck you all”, while running down the halls
Sophomore year, life never really improved
I thought now more than ever, death could be proved
I didn’t care about anyone, other than my friend
But I knew he felt the same, so together we would end
Sometime that year, I met my first love
I thought it was real, and I thought I could trust
She fucked with my head, and made me latch on
I really don’t know why, I could have been so dumb
We were together for a while, always taking a “break”
I thought she felt the same as me, instead my heart she raped
I know how it feels, to be ripped in two
I knew what was happening, but I still followed through
I learned my mistake, and I learned what was best
I hit me so hard, I kept myself regressed
This part of my life, lasted much too long
I don’t like to think, of the things I’ve done wrong
Junior year came, things began to clear
I switched schools now, and I was loosing a lot of fear
I found new friends fast, and I think that helped me grow
I don’t like people much, but friends are who I know
Gabe was with me now, the same school again
We kept through the years, despite the emotion
We’ve both had our problems, life passes them by
But both of us know, we can trust the other guy
I like to think, I learned the most here
I cleared my thoughts, and listened those more near
I put away my foolish thoughts, set aside my hate
My realist state of mind, found new ways to negate
I made a lot mistakes, for some I’m not too proud
But my years of looking for answers, have uncovered a great shroud
For some I might seem intelligible, for others I’m still dumb
The truth is I know I’m not a genius, and I know I’ll never be one
I’m now nearing the end, of my high school experience
But I still have some ideas, kept from past experiments
I found new thoughts, I’ve learned new beliefs
I found a lot of help, and I learned a lot of new things
I know it doesn’t matter, what some people believe
I found that out over time, and I’m just beginning to conceive
I enjoy life now, more than I can even dream
So again it doesn’t matter, how people see me
I want you all to know, everything comes with time
Some things you learn quickly, others lose their prime
I wrote this poem, in an effort to explain
I’m tired of holding back, and I’m tired of being blamed
I finish this poem now, after hard deliberation
I found this somehow soothing, although it brought frustration
I don’t know if this will help, me writing this letter
But all I want to do now; is know that it does matter.
There was a time, not so long ago
I was afraid of the future, so my anger did show
I hated everything, I didn’t really know why
I even hated school, but I was still determined to try
I looked for dispute, I was an ignorant one
I never found repute, so I still continued on
I was confused, but I was ready
I didn’t care about life, I even wanted to die
I wasn’t happy with my life, I wasn’t happy about people
I caused pain to myself, and began to grow feeble
I had one man to trust, that man was not myself
He was a lot like me, but not at all in it self
He had problems, just like my own
He struggled through school, and had a parent to disown
We fought it out together and continued on through
Growing stronger as we traveled, this horrible life growing true
Starting 7th grade, I grew a hate for my dad
I never liked him much, but now it was a fad
I realized our differences, we had quite a few
He was too conservative, I was too askew
8th grade rolled around, I was failing at school
Gabe was still around, but he was failing too
We started our new credence; it began with the word “punk”
I was having trouble with the theory, so I spent years looking it up
That year was long, it lasted through and through
I kept loosing all hope, then loosing a new
I wanted to find a meaning, I wanted to find truth
I needing a reason for living, I needed to find proof
The next year grew even worse, I was all alone now
Gabe left my school, and my life slowed way down
I found pain as an escape, a reason to lose fear
To find some way to hurt, then throwaway people near
My life plummeted, as violence grew and grew
Eye for an eye, was my theory of the new
I kicked in doors, punched through walls
Screaming, “Fuck you all”, while running down the halls
Sophomore year, life never really improved
I thought now more than ever, death could be proved
I didn’t care about anyone, other than my friend
But I knew he felt the same, so together we would end
Sometime that year, I met my first love
I thought it was real, and I thought I could trust
She fucked with my head, and made me latch on
I really don’t know why, I could have been so dumb
We were together for a while, always taking a “break”
I thought she felt the same as me, instead my heart she raped
I know how it feels, to be ripped in two
I knew what was happening, but I still followed through
I learned my mistake, and I learned what was best
I hit me so hard, I kept myself regressed
This part of my life, lasted much too long
I don’t like to think, of the things I’ve done wrong
Junior year came, things began to clear
I switched schools now, and I was loosing a lot of fear
I found new friends fast, and I think that helped me grow
I don’t like people much, but friends are who I know
Gabe was with me now, the same school again
We kept through the years, despite the emotion
We’ve both had our problems, life passes them by
But both of us know, we can trust the other guy
I like to think, I learned the most here
I cleared my thoughts, and listened those more near
I put away my foolish thoughts, set aside my hate
My realist state of mind, found new ways to negate
I made a lot mistakes, for some I’m not too proud
But my years of looking for answers, have uncovered a great shroud
For some I might seem intelligible, for others I’m still dumb
The truth is I know I’m not a genius, and I know I’ll never be one
I’m now nearing the end, of my high school experience
But I still have some ideas, kept from past experiments
I found new thoughts, I’ve learned new beliefs
I found a lot of help, and I learned a lot of new things
I know it doesn’t matter, what some people believe
I found that out over time, and I’m just beginning to conceive
I enjoy life now, more than I can even dream
So again it doesn’t matter, how people see me
I want you all to know, everything comes with time
Some things you learn quickly, others lose their prime
I wrote this poem, in an effort to explain
I’m tired of holding back, and I’m tired of being blamed
I finish this poem now, after hard deliberation
I found this somehow soothing, although it brought frustration
I don’t know if this will help, me writing this letter
But all I want to do now; is know that it does matter.