(no subject)
It's a good thing I had Father's Day breakfast with the relatives this morning, and it's a good thing dinner with Kat's family and Aunty Irene and Tara ran late, and it's a good thing that Shelly came over to Kat's house after the dinner, too. Because somehow, I know that if we had had more time on our hands to sit and attempt to "discuss" *things*, both Kat and I would have just ended up more upset than ever before, and it probably would have ended up with both of us not feeling particularly inclined to talk to each other, from the way things were going in the twenty or so minutes we got to talk previously yesterday.
Apparently, I'm too blunt for her, and when she talks to me, she's "always wrong". And when I said that wasn't true, she came back with, "well, whenever I say something, you always attack it." To which I said that I didn't attack things; I merely presented a different viewpoint, and that she doesn't have to believe it, and she especially doesn't have to let that change her mind, and that doesn't mean she's wrong.
Apparently, she has "nothing left to live for" anymore. And she doesn't "have any friends to rely on" nor does she have any friends, she says. She may not have a soul mate now, nor may she have a mutual best friend. That's ok. But what's not ok, is for her to sit there and say that it isn't fair, and to expect that people *choose* their best friends, and to expect that basically, it's everyone else's fault, because they didn't choose her.
I might have sympathized with her, a little, maybe, since I have been in the same boat before. But not until she started talking about how she had nothing to live for anymore. Because I have no sympathy for her once she starts saying that sort of thing, when we all know that's not true. She can decide that I can't be relied upon to be her friend. Only she can decide that, and if that's what she decides, then so be it. But if she's unwilling to see the things that are right in front of her face, just so she can say she has nothing to live for anymore. Then screw it. I don't want to hear about how she has nothing to live for. That's stupid, because she's saying it based upon her previous statement of "I have no friends". The second something goes wrong in her life, immediately, life isn't fair, she can't deal with it, feels depressed, and decides there's nothing to live for.
Maybe I don't call her my best friend, and maybe I don't tell her everything. But that doesn't mean I won't be there for her if she wants me to be. I'd like to be able to tell her she's my best friend. But I can't, didn't, and won't, because that'd be a lie. And like I told her, "would you rather someone tell you everything about themselves, knowing that they didn't want to, or would you rather just hear it from someone else? Because it really doesn't mean anything if they didn't want to tell you themselves to begin with." And yeah, I'm aware that was quite the blunt way to put it. But yes, Kat, that is how I am, at least in this case, and you're right, I'm not going to change for you. And even if I tried to change for you, which would be if I wanted to, I'm not sure it would work. Because like I said, and like you told me, there are some things that just can't be changed.
I'll accept that we're never going to be best friends. That's ok with me. That's just the way it is, that's just the way it's going to be, really.
And I know everyone could say the same thing, but I've got my own shit to deal with right now, and perhaps I'm personally biased, but in my book, Kat suddenly deciding to not see the forest for the trees isn't the highest thing for me to fix or worry about on my priority list... But I dunno. I'm sure she could to at least some extent give a crap about the things I put at the top of my priority list.
She may not have a best friend, but she's got friends, or people willing to be there for her if she needs it, or at least someone there to lend a kind word or helping hand once in awhile should she need it. If she wants to call that nothing, then fine. She can call it nothing. But that's her choice; once you've decided to call something nothing, it IS nothing. If you can't be optimistic about something, there's nothing at all to hold on to. And it's your own fault. Subconsciously, perhaps, she has a choice to make, and if that's the one she wants to make. Then fine. But I'm not going to let it get to me right now. I just don't want to deal with that Kat. Sorry. And obviously, you don't want to deal with me right now.
Kat, you've got a whole life ahead of you right now, if you choose so. This is only the beginning. You will meet many people. And somewhere out there, you will find someone to unconditionally love and trust, and you will find someone who loves you back, the same way. And even if you don't--know that there is always someone out there who potentially could, given the chance.
~*~*~*~
Ok, so I kind of lost it. But I just can't stand it when she says things like that, that she has nothing to live for anymore. It just pisses me off, wrongly, rightly, or not. Open your eyes, my dear. Yes, the world does exist. No, it's not fair. No, you can't be a child forever. So deal with it! At least get past the point of "I have nothing to live for anymore". You can cry about it, you can whine about it, you can complain about whatever it is, or do whatever you want. But don't say you have nothing to live for anymore. Because that's just bull shit, and everyone knows it.
And for the record--I should be nicer to her, I know. I should treat our friendship with more value. I should care more. I should take on the appearance of caring more. I should be sensitive to her insecurities and weaknesses, and respect them. I know. But I dunno... It just seems to get harder and harder nowadays... And yes, I know that I was wrong, in many ways, during our disagreements. And, for the record and for what it's worth, I know I can be quite hypocritical... And I apologize (in advance) ((I think)) for almost anything...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I sat there for the longest time, going through my post and thinking, "I sound like a narrow-minded hypocrite who only thinks about them self and doesn't see the forest for the trees, and doesn't see the world as a whole. And whether I actually do or not, I sound like the person I decided to hate through my post. Who am I?"
Part of me can only sit here and read through my entry and think, "You know, it's interesting how you talk about not wanting to change. Because you know that for the people you really care about, or when you care about people more, you at least try and attempt to make the effort to change, whether it's actually possible or not. But you don't just decide that's the way it is and that's the way it's going to be. So really, how much do you care about her? How heartless was that thought? How heartless is this entire thought process?"
And yet another part of me sits here and says, "everyone has their own right to be upset and everyone has their own right, to some extent, to dealing with their unhappiness in different ways. Just because you don't believe in deciding there's nothing to live for doesn't mean it's wrong, unnatural, or that you should be sitting here taking Kat apart, or anyone for it. You also have no right to sit here and rant about all of the things that you can't stand about Kat, when there are things she can't stand about you, and there are things you both really can't change. Even if Kat is determined to sit in front of you and have you name anything about her, so that she can tell you she'll stop doing that, immediately and forever, just to prove that nothing is impossible to change, it doesn't mean that she really can change those things, and even then, it doesn't mean that everyone should be expected to. And yes, in that sense, as Kat is basically saying, from the standpoint of believing in herself, "I could do it, so why can't you?", she's wrong. And in another sense, she's... not wrong. But like Mom says, she takes you with your imperfections and all of the things about you that aren't perfect. So why can't you do the same? Why does this matter so much? Shouldn't I be able to live with her imperfections, like I live with all of my other friends' flaws? Why can't I come to accept those imperfections, like I've come to accept those of my other friends? And then, why does everything she do make me so Goddamn angry, when I know that if it were a different friend saying the same things, my reaction would be entirely different and the odds that I'd get upset are fairly low? What's wrong with this picture? How do I fix it?"
Apparently, I'm too blunt for her, and when she talks to me, she's "always wrong". And when I said that wasn't true, she came back with, "well, whenever I say something, you always attack it." To which I said that I didn't attack things; I merely presented a different viewpoint, and that she doesn't have to believe it, and she especially doesn't have to let that change her mind, and that doesn't mean she's wrong.
Apparently, she has "nothing left to live for" anymore. And she doesn't "have any friends to rely on" nor does she have any friends, she says. She may not have a soul mate now, nor may she have a mutual best friend. That's ok. But what's not ok, is for her to sit there and say that it isn't fair, and to expect that people *choose* their best friends, and to expect that basically, it's everyone else's fault, because they didn't choose her.
I might have sympathized with her, a little, maybe, since I have been in the same boat before. But not until she started talking about how she had nothing to live for anymore. Because I have no sympathy for her once she starts saying that sort of thing, when we all know that's not true. She can decide that I can't be relied upon to be her friend. Only she can decide that, and if that's what she decides, then so be it. But if she's unwilling to see the things that are right in front of her face, just so she can say she has nothing to live for anymore. Then screw it. I don't want to hear about how she has nothing to live for. That's stupid, because she's saying it based upon her previous statement of "I have no friends". The second something goes wrong in her life, immediately, life isn't fair, she can't deal with it, feels depressed, and decides there's nothing to live for.
Maybe I don't call her my best friend, and maybe I don't tell her everything. But that doesn't mean I won't be there for her if she wants me to be. I'd like to be able to tell her she's my best friend. But I can't, didn't, and won't, because that'd be a lie. And like I told her, "would you rather someone tell you everything about themselves, knowing that they didn't want to, or would you rather just hear it from someone else? Because it really doesn't mean anything if they didn't want to tell you themselves to begin with." And yeah, I'm aware that was quite the blunt way to put it. But yes, Kat, that is how I am, at least in this case, and you're right, I'm not going to change for you. And even if I tried to change for you, which would be if I wanted to, I'm not sure it would work. Because like I said, and like you told me, there are some things that just can't be changed.
I'll accept that we're never going to be best friends. That's ok with me. That's just the way it is, that's just the way it's going to be, really.
And I know everyone could say the same thing, but I've got my own shit to deal with right now, and perhaps I'm personally biased, but in my book, Kat suddenly deciding to not see the forest for the trees isn't the highest thing for me to fix or worry about on my priority list... But I dunno. I'm sure she could to at least some extent give a crap about the things I put at the top of my priority list.
She may not have a best friend, but she's got friends, or people willing to be there for her if she needs it, or at least someone there to lend a kind word or helping hand once in awhile should she need it. If she wants to call that nothing, then fine. She can call it nothing. But that's her choice; once you've decided to call something nothing, it IS nothing. If you can't be optimistic about something, there's nothing at all to hold on to. And it's your own fault. Subconsciously, perhaps, she has a choice to make, and if that's the one she wants to make. Then fine. But I'm not going to let it get to me right now. I just don't want to deal with that Kat. Sorry. And obviously, you don't want to deal with me right now.
Kat, you've got a whole life ahead of you right now, if you choose so. This is only the beginning. You will meet many people. And somewhere out there, you will find someone to unconditionally love and trust, and you will find someone who loves you back, the same way. And even if you don't--know that there is always someone out there who potentially could, given the chance.
~*~*~*~
Ok, so I kind of lost it. But I just can't stand it when she says things like that, that she has nothing to live for anymore. It just pisses me off, wrongly, rightly, or not. Open your eyes, my dear. Yes, the world does exist. No, it's not fair. No, you can't be a child forever. So deal with it! At least get past the point of "I have nothing to live for anymore". You can cry about it, you can whine about it, you can complain about whatever it is, or do whatever you want. But don't say you have nothing to live for anymore. Because that's just bull shit, and everyone knows it.
And for the record--I should be nicer to her, I know. I should treat our friendship with more value. I should care more. I should take on the appearance of caring more. I should be sensitive to her insecurities and weaknesses, and respect them. I know. But I dunno... It just seems to get harder and harder nowadays... And yes, I know that I was wrong, in many ways, during our disagreements. And, for the record and for what it's worth, I know I can be quite hypocritical... And I apologize (in advance) ((I think)) for almost anything...
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I sat there for the longest time, going through my post and thinking, "I sound like a narrow-minded hypocrite who only thinks about them self and doesn't see the forest for the trees, and doesn't see the world as a whole. And whether I actually do or not, I sound like the person I decided to hate through my post. Who am I?"
Part of me can only sit here and read through my entry and think, "You know, it's interesting how you talk about not wanting to change. Because you know that for the people you really care about, or when you care about people more, you at least try and attempt to make the effort to change, whether it's actually possible or not. But you don't just decide that's the way it is and that's the way it's going to be. So really, how much do you care about her? How heartless was that thought? How heartless is this entire thought process?"
And yet another part of me sits here and says, "everyone has their own right to be upset and everyone has their own right, to some extent, to dealing with their unhappiness in different ways. Just because you don't believe in deciding there's nothing to live for doesn't mean it's wrong, unnatural, or that you should be sitting here taking Kat apart, or anyone for it. You also have no right to sit here and rant about all of the things that you can't stand about Kat, when there are things she can't stand about you, and there are things you both really can't change. Even if Kat is determined to sit in front of you and have you name anything about her, so that she can tell you she'll stop doing that, immediately and forever, just to prove that nothing is impossible to change, it doesn't mean that she really can change those things, and even then, it doesn't mean that everyone should be expected to. And yes, in that sense, as Kat is basically saying, from the standpoint of believing in herself, "I could do it, so why can't you?", she's wrong. And in another sense, she's... not wrong. But like Mom says, she takes you with your imperfections and all of the things about you that aren't perfect. So why can't you do the same? Why does this matter so much? Shouldn't I be able to live with her imperfections, like I live with all of my other friends' flaws? Why can't I come to accept those imperfections, like I've come to accept those of my other friends? And then, why does everything she do make me so Goddamn angry, when I know that if it were a different friend saying the same things, my reaction would be entirely different and the odds that I'd get upset are fairly low? What's wrong with this picture? How do I fix it?"