(no subject)
so i think its safe to say im offically hitting rock bottom. im just so fuckin tired of everything. i try so hard and never see a reward. i lost all my friends, i have not a single person that seems to give a shit about, and that makes me wonder, if i were to disappear, who would care, who would even notice? seriously. cause even without disappearing no one notices me anyway. i can sit home all day for a month straight and not one single person of my so called "friends" would ever stop and think, i wonder what matt's doin...its all just really starting to get to me. but i dont have a clue what to do about it. i try calling people, making plans, but i just always get bullshit replies, or an "ill call u back" which never happens, and sometimes no reply at all. im glad everyone else has their own lil clicks and what not, good for them, i used to have one of those, and i dony know what i did to loose it, if i did do anything at all, idk. i just wish shit will get better. even though i know wishing is bullshit, cause ive made plenty of those im my life that didn't come an inch of true, so i don't really wish that it'll get better, i hope, even though its probably a false hope, cause hope isnt ever enough, u have to try as well, and im just sick an tired of trying cause thats all ive been doing, and it hasnt made anything better at all so far. UGH! idk, i fell like i should just become a recluse until someone actually thinks about me, and if someone actually reads this id be more than surprised, but im not wrtting it for someone to read it, i still like to keep a journal cause itll be fun to look back on when im 40. ive kept a journal since i was in 4th grade, and i still have them, its so funny to look back at those and just laugh while reading about some good times and what not. it makes me happy, makes me miss the pass and dred the future.
on a good note, i offically am quitting ciggarettes today! seriously, i am. im sick of them, its so pointless and ive been doing it for too long that if i didnt stop now i dont think i ever will, and i really dont want cancer in the future, that shits no joke. im tryin real hard to be the person i always told myself id be when i was little, cause so far im pretty much no where near my own expectations. i cut back on pot drastically which makes me feel so much better. i still love it and all, but im not smoking everyday like i did for the past 2 an 1/2 years. i smoked like only 3 or 4 times this month, which is so much better in my book. im slowly gona work towards like once a month. i wana save it for more like special occasions, because it lost it's impact when u start to smoke every day. and hell, i lost my friends to it, all they give a shit about is smoking, and i think thats why they dont call me anymore, because they know im not gona wanna smoke, but which is complete bullshit cause i always thought friends can just be friends, i didnt realize i had to smoke to be their friends, but whatever, if thats how they wanna be then fuck em, they werent real friends in the first place.
i just hate that i having nothing to look foward to each day because, 1. theres never anything to do. 2. now i dont even have anybody to do nothing with. 3. just what the fuck do i have to look foward to?? i have no clue, thats for damn sure. im just goin by one day at a time, wasting time like its infinant or something
OH! i just thought of something to look foward to, Wu-Tang and Rage Against the Fucking Machine on the 28th haha, but thats about it...and that wont even be that good cause its not like i have friends to go with haha, just fuckin awesome.
on a good note, i offically am quitting ciggarettes today! seriously, i am. im sick of them, its so pointless and ive been doing it for too long that if i didnt stop now i dont think i ever will, and i really dont want cancer in the future, that shits no joke. im tryin real hard to be the person i always told myself id be when i was little, cause so far im pretty much no where near my own expectations. i cut back on pot drastically which makes me feel so much better. i still love it and all, but im not smoking everyday like i did for the past 2 an 1/2 years. i smoked like only 3 or 4 times this month, which is so much better in my book. im slowly gona work towards like once a month. i wana save it for more like special occasions, because it lost it's impact when u start to smoke every day. and hell, i lost my friends to it, all they give a shit about is smoking, and i think thats why they dont call me anymore, because they know im not gona wanna smoke, but which is complete bullshit cause i always thought friends can just be friends, i didnt realize i had to smoke to be their friends, but whatever, if thats how they wanna be then fuck em, they werent real friends in the first place.
i just hate that i having nothing to look foward to each day because, 1. theres never anything to do. 2. now i dont even have anybody to do nothing with. 3. just what the fuck do i have to look foward to?? i have no clue, thats for damn sure. im just goin by one day at a time, wasting time like its infinant or something
OH! i just thought of something to look foward to, Wu-Tang and Rage Against the Fucking Machine on the 28th haha, but thats about it...and that wont even be that good cause its not like i have friends to go with haha, just fuckin awesome.