'Elephant in the room'
Title: Elephant in the room
Author: Hevyyd
Rating: NC-17
Genre and/or Pairing: Dean/Castiel
Spoilers: None, au
Warnings: None I can think of
Word Count: 4,249
Summary: Castiel goes to Mary for advice, he and Bobby find out what might have stolen Dean's mind away.
There is cuteness of such magnitude it might give you cancer. An encounter in the dream world brings out a
darker side of Castiel, who must find a way to deal with it or face the consequences.
MASTERPOST
This particular corner of heaven was filled with the sound of wedding bells, the brilliant glow of perfect sun, and the static joy of man and woman coming together. Castiel stood respectfully at the very back of the church while Mary Campbell and John Winchester said there vows and were wed, admiring the beautiful couple. If there were two more perfect parents to have sired the love of his everlasting life, Castiel did not know of them. But the sun was hot, even for him, and the ceremony seemed to drag overmuch, and so Castiel's mind began to wander;
Gabriel looked from his little brother to the handsome human standing across the alter. His smile was wide and easy as he gripped their Fathers book in his hands, he had promised this would be traditional. "Do you, Castiel, Angel of Thursday and Reagent of Heaven, swear to take this human, Dean Winchester, as your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?" Castiel stifled a grin at that last part, like death could keep Dean from the angels arms.
"I swear."
"And do you, Dean Winchester -"
"Oh HELL yes!" Deans emerald eyes were blazing as he stared at Castiel with longing anticipation, they had both wanted this for so long. Gabriel tried his best but couldn't help chuckling along with the rest of those attending the ceremony, he gave Dean a hearty thwump on the shoulder and Castiel could not help but appreciate for Dean always being Dean, even on their wedding day.
"Well then amigos, by the power vested in me by dear-old Dad, I now pronounce you man and angel, make out!"
Castiel leaned in to kiss his mate, and at the moment their lips met, a terrible cold swept through him, through his veiled eyes he could see Dean, thin, sickly, weak, and hollow, his mind erased of everything, his eyes staring up at Castiel almost accusingly. "Cas?"
"Castiel?" The new voice, soft and feminine, brought Castiel crashing back down as his whole body shook with a cold sweat. He clutched at his heart as a stabbing pain ripped through him, tears started to mist in his eyes.
Castiel looked up and the terror slowly drained from him as he saw the serene face of Mary Winchester. She must have halted the memory, or maybe it had ended, Castiel wasn't sure how long his mind had wandered for. Regardless he was glad for her presence, she had a soothing aura about her that made him feel relaxed, it was probably that very reason that he sought her council about matters concerning Dean this past year, she had always managed to keep her focus on the big picture and insisted that with time and patience, Dean would be alright. Such focus, no doubt the product of her hunter training.
"Mary," Castiel began, righting himself and taking in the image of the beautiful woman before him, "apologies, my mind wandered and I did not wish to interrupt your wedding."
"Don't be silly Cas." The Angel loved that the woman used her sons moniker for him. "I've relived it a hundred times, never gets old mind you, but it's not like the guests will get offended if I cut it short."
"I see, thank you."
"So tell me," Mary questioned, leading Castiel out of the church and onto a nearby park bench, "What can I do for you today?"
Castiel sighed and then slowly explained what had happened.
*
"I think I got something." Bobby had said, he and Castiel had been hitting the books for days on end, even with neither of them sleeping no progress was made, there was simply no lore on a creature that could devour it's preys mind.
"What is it?" Castiel questioned, his voice slurred. He had drained a third of a liquor store in three days, Bobby had not question who he had robbed, and the alcohol was finally hitting him, making him irritable, moody, and sometimes making him quickly fly from Bobby's sight so the hunter could not see him weep, crying Deans name over and over again until the sudden swell of sadness abated.
"Well the reason we cant find anything about mind eaters, is because there ARE no mind eaters, well, not really anyway."
"And...?"
"But there is something else, I've actually encountered one before. I was working a job in Japan when I heard about a creature called a Baku, a dream eating spirit."
"A dream eater? So your saying this, 'Baku'," Castiel said through air-quotations, earning a glare from Bobby, "apologies, it is the alcohol. So this beast attacked Dean and devoured his dreams, but how does that explain his lost memories?"
"That's the tricky part, see a Baku is a benevolent spirit, it consumes nightmares so that people can have peaceful sleep, it helps people."
"It did not help Dean."
"Is he in pain? Refusing to eat?"
"No, but -"
"Is he DYING Cas? Is my boy rotting away while I have to sit by helpless?"
"Bobby -"
"THEN THE DAMN THING HELPED!" Bobby roared before storming out of the cramped room. Castiel flinched at the mans tone, he knew that Bobby loved Dean as though he were his own firstborn and that his loss had hit him incredibly hard. More fool he for not noticing how much Bobby had been suffering through Deans hospitalization, too focused on his own feelings of overwhelming guilt and loss.
A minute later Bobby walked back in, massaging his temples. "M'sorry Cas, I didn't mean to snap at you like that." He sighed heavily before slumping in his chair once more.
"No apologies are required Bobby, we both care about Dean very much and are upset over this turn of events, but we are also both tired and need rest. I will go to heaven and seek guidance, you should rest now, I will contact you before moving further, is this agreeable?"
Bobby nodded once and was asleep before Castiel could spread his wings.
*
Mary stared at Castiel intently as he recounted everything that had happened up until the angel had appeared in her personal heaven seeking help. She passed no judgements, instead considering everything that she had heard with equal importance, just as her father had taught her. When Castiel had finished, she allowed him a moment to rest, and then spoke.
"Castiel, I need to ask you something."
"Yes?" The angel turned to face her, head tilted in question.
"Are you in love with my son?"
Jackpot.
"No, I err, um," Castiel began, his face flushing as the angel tried desperately to figure out where he had let his true feelings show. Finding no obvious holes in his story that would allow Mary to guess at such an important truth, he hung his head in resignation and sighed. "Yes, I am in love with Dean. How did you know?"
"Woman's intuition." Mary gave Castiel a smug, knowing grin, "You don't honestly think you can keep secrets from me where my babies are concerned, do you Cas?"
"Women are terrifying." Was all Castiel could manage.
"No sweetie, mothers are terrifying. But I'm glad that your the one who Dean belongs with and not some other skeez-ball."
"Skeez-ball?"
"Someone who would want to play games with my sons heart, someone who would hurt him, I've been listening to the way you talk about my son Cas, and your the one he needs in his life, of this I'm certain."
"It does not bother you that, for all intents and purposes, I am a man?"
"Why would that matter?"
This woman is a saint. Castiel thought to himself, "No reason."
Castiel would have loved nothing more than to end the conversation there, knowing that he had the blessing of his humans mother to pursue him, the father would be another story, but he still needed Mary's advice. So after spending a moment enjoying the sunlight with the beautiful woman, he began again, voicing a concern that had been pressing against his mind ever since Dean and Castiel had first been reunited in the cafeteria.
"How do you think he knew to place my hand upon our bond?" Castiel wondered out loud.
"Because he is still Dean." Mary said simply.
"But if he no longer remembers..."
"I don't think it matters." Mary took Castiel's hand in her own gently and looked directly at him. "Think about it this way, you yourself said that your bond with Dean is profound, 'soul-deep' was the exact phrase no? Well I believe that some things are so important to us, so strongly engrained into our beings that even if we forget them, they never truly vanish."
Castiel liked the thought. He liked thinking that he was so important to Dean that the hunter clung to him even without the memories of their time together. He silently wished that it meant that perhaps Dean used to love him back before... He started to choke up again thinking about the pain Dean had suffered through, but quickly caught himself and regained his composure.
"And if that's the case," Mary began again, "Then that means my baby is still afraid of the dark, in which case you need to be there to tell him there are no monsters under the bed, even though we both no better." She laughed at how ludicrous it all sounded.
"How will I do this?" Castiel asked.
"Simple," Mary said with an easy smile. "I'll teach you a magic spell that will make all of Deans fears go away, lean closer I'll whisper it in your ear...."
*
So father is not punishing me, Castiel thought as he flew back down to earth, it was simply a monster who stole my Dean away from me. Does this mean I can still...? The sudden throb of pain and guilt through Castiel's Grace gave him his answer. Of course not, that's sick.
Even now, even though Father was not displeased, Castiel could still not profess his love to Dean, nor act on the desires that had stirred in his heart, amongst other places. The thought of Deans wide-eyed, innocent expression as Castiel devoured his lips with his own made the angel sick. No, now to act on his desires for Dean would mean he was taking advantage of his loves innocence, doubly so since this new Dean seemed to trust Castiel without question.
Yet it was that same innocence, that vulnerability, that stirred the animal in Castiel's chest. He didn't know what the emotion was, but it was basic, part man, part beast, all desire. The desire to hold Dean close, to nip at his neck and leave little bruises, to cover Deans clothing in his scent, to own him. It made the angel part of him sick, and yet it felt so right at the same time. He compromised with himself by deciding to show Dean the depth of his affection slowly, and if Dean eventually consented and returned his feelings, then he would allow himself to indulge the beast.
If Dean did not want Castiel, then he would simply have to retreat to heaven and smite himself until he burned away the urges.
*
Bobby and Castiel returned to the hospital to find Dean happily mowing down on a plate of thinly sliced carrots and tofu, all the while looking longingly at the more solid foods that the other patients got to eat. The moment he saw the angel, Deans eyes lit up and he smiled at Castiel, willing for him to come closer, the angel complied happily.
While Bobby set off to find the doctors and negotiate a way for Dean to be released into their care - after all he was no longer a danger to himself - Castiel sat down next to Dean and pulled several books out of the pack he was carrying. The moment his hands were free Dean snatched one of them up and placed it on his chest, and Castiel relished the feeling of his heart beating steadily again.
"Dean." The hunter said, pressing Castiel's fingers closer. Castiel nodded in approval. The hunter then moved Castiel's hand to the mark upon his shoulder, while placing his other hand over Castiel's heart. "Cas."
"Yes Dean, very good." The angel said, smiling at how the hunter chose to greet him every time they saw one another. It had taken a few attempts to hold a straight face and smile during the greeting, the first few days Castiel would simply weep for several minutes on end before regaining his composure, Dean looking confused all the while.
"Now then," the angel began, placing one of the books before Dean, "I figured you'll need to learn how to read and write again, so I bought this." It was a simple book meant for children, it contained the basic alphabet and a few sentences and sayings to practice, there were many more like it in Castiel's bag, all aimed to help the hunter become proficient with reading, writing, and speaking again.
Dean bit his lower lip and looked up at Castiel in response.
"Don't worry Dean, I didn't forget." Castiel grinned, pulling a jar of his homemade apple sauce out and placing it on the table next to the books. "But no more freebies, you need to do your work first." Dean pouted for a few seconds, Castiel amazed at how much of Deans previous mannerisms and ticks remained, and then smiled eagerly up at Castiel and opened the first book.
"A, B, C..."
*
By the time Castiel and Dean had finished up dark shadows had fallen all across his hospital room. Dean entered carefully, looking from left to right and shivering, as though expecting something to jump at him at any moment. As much as Castiel wished to keep the hunter awake he needed Dean to be asleep so he could search for the Baku, Bobby had said it might still be hiding in his dreamscape while it "digested" it's meal.
"What's the matter Dean?" Castiel asked, assuming he did not know Dean feared the dark.
Dean whirled around to look at him, his green eyes pleading, he snatched up Castiel's hand and placed it over his heart, letting the angel feel how it fluttered. "Cas," he whimpered.
"Sssh, it's alright Dean, there is nothing to be scared of," Castiel soothed as he led Dean over to his bed and helped him get in. The angel tucked in his fragile human and pulled up a chair to sit next to him, hoping his presence would ease Dean into sleep, instead the human stared at him with wide, fearful, child-like eyes. I'll teach you a magic spell that will make all of Dean's fears go away... Mary's words echoed in Castiel's mind. So, with a sigh he smoothed back Dean hair, composed himself, took a breath, and sang;
Hey jude, don't make it bad,
take a sad song and make it better.
Remember to let her into your heart,
and then you can start to make it better.
Castiel was glad he could mimic Jimmy's register as he sang, and Dean seemed to appreciate the light, sweet sound hanging over the room. After just one verse he seemed to calm and his eyes glassed over, by the time Castiel reached the coda Dean was drifting off to sleep, sleepily humming along. Castiel looked down at Dean as he slept, the gentle rise and fall of his chest, the soft sounds of his breath escaping his lips. It was amazing how peaceful he could be, while all humans could be, while he slept.
He thought of the spell Mary had taught him, "Hey Jude" she called it. It's power was something now angel could do, and Castiel resolved to try and find many more spells just like it. Smiling at the thought, he lowered his forehead down so it touched Dean's, and leapt down into the hunters mind.
*
Castiel looked about the empty, white space he found himself in. It never occurred to him that Deans dream world would be effected by his lack of memories. Almost in response to his concern, the scene began to shift and Castiel could see Dean sitting on a chair in his room, staring intently at the mirror.
"Cas," Dean said, smiling at his reflection and tracing the hand print on his shoulder slowly, with a gentle, methodical caress. "Cas, Castiel, Cas..." He repeated the name over and over, seemingly ignoring the angel who stood behind him. In all the time he had known Dean, Castiel could not once remember him looking this happy, this content, this tranquil.
The moment was interrupted by a shadow that moved in the corner of Castiel's vision. He wheeled around to see a creature lying comfortably on the ground. It looked like a tapir, a human creature that resembled a horse, rhinoceros, and elephant all rolled into one. It stared at Castiel with beady, intelligent eyes before righting itself on it's haunches and filling the room with the sound of it's rich, resonant voice.
"Ah, Tenshi-sama, it is good to finally meet you, despite it not in the waking world." It's lips, if it had any, never moved, Castiel assumed it's voice was purely psychic in nature.
"While I appreciate the honorific Baku, it is not necessary, my name is Castiel, address me as such." Castiel responded, perhaps more harshly than he should have.
"If you insist, Castiel." The Baku bowed it's head respectfully.
"Have you a name, spirit?"
The creature tilted it's head to one side, then spoke, slowly at first, then falling into a soothing rhythm. "Not exactly, I have what you could consider a name, but it is more a purpose, a definition of my being, rather than a true title." The creature rolled slightly on it's haunches as though making itself more comfortable before continuing. "I am called by some 'Anaboko Yami', in the tongue of my country it means 'hollow darkness'."
"I am aware of the translation, I speak all mortal tongues." Castiel responded tersely, wishing the Baku would get on with it's explanation.
"Apologies Castiel, I did not mean to offend. The dark, as you know, is filled with terrible things, some real, some imagined. I exist, as do others of my kind, to make the darkness nothing for mortals to fear, we feast on those dreams that haunt and terrify, and in doing so leave nothing but peace and tranquility in it's wake, a hollow darkness, one that need not be feared."
"So you eat nightmares to help people?"
"Of course, I only wish to help those in pain."
"Then why," Castiel began slowly, his voice beginning to tremble with rage, "Why did you devour Deans entire mind?"
"I only consumed that which caused him pain." The creature responded simply.
"But there is nothing left of him!"
"If that is so then yes, I must have devoured everything." The creatures apparent lack of empathy for it's crime stunned Castiel. "Yet the fact remains that I only consumed that which caused his nightly terrors. Happy dreams provide no nourishment to my kind, we have no reason to eat them."
A thought crossed Castiel's mind, one that terrified him. "Wait," he whispered, "You say 'consume' as though you are eating them like food, not just stealing them away, yes?"
The creature nodded, as well as a Baku could nod.
"So you can't give the nightmares you've eaten back?"
"Can a mortal return food already consumed?" The creature asked simply, it's tone neutral. "They could, but it would be filled with bile, saliva, and useless to everyone. I have already consumed Deans terror and have digested it, there is nothing to return."
Nothing...
"I have caused you pain," the Baku stated solemnly, Castiel could feel the regret rolling off of it in waves, and yet it only made him angrier. "I did not mean to hurt Dean, you must understand, I -" the creature was cut off by Castiel's hand wrapped firmly around it's neck. It flailed and sputtered, but the angels grip was mightier than the spirit.
"You stole him from me," Castiel growled as a pale blue light began to leak from his eyes. "You stole my Dean from me, what gave you the RIGHT?!" Castiel tightened his grip and watched almost happily as the creature struggled in vain against him. "He was so beautiful, even broken as he was, all I needed was time, I could have saved him, I always save him!"
The creature tilted it's head, or attempted to anyway, in question.
"I have given everything for Dean, I nearly fell from grace for him." Castiel was nearly yelling at this point, it was amazing that Dean was completely ignorant of the entire affair, "There is nothing I would not have done to have seen him well again, but you," Castiel gave the Baku another violent shake, his eyes burning with the light of his Grace, "you corpulent, inconsiderate, logic-ridden PLAYTHING, you waltz on in to my precious humans mind and you eat it! Did you give him a choice, or did you just devour him while he slept?"
"What would you have done?" The Baku responded calmly, even though it's eyes were darkening from lack of oxygen, "what would you have done when his body shut down from malnutrition, when he passed from this world because you could not save him? You are behaving like a child Castiel, lashing out in a tantrum because I decided to save the life of your toy rather than let you end it."
"Let me end it, me?" Castiel tilted his head back and laughed cruelly, the anger, resentment, the raw desire to hurt and maim and crush roiled through him like an inferno. He brought his face close to the Baku's, "He is MINE. mine, mine, mine, mine, mine. Mine to break, mine to fix, mine to ravage with pain and pleasure, mine to fuck and mine to love." Castiel pressed his palm to the Baku's forehead and let his Grace rip through his body as he screamed in rage, "YOU STOLE MY HEART AWAY FROM ME!"
He could feel the creatures terror, it's eyes went wide, and then it collapsed in a lifeless pile at his feet. Having smote the subject of his ire, Castiel suddenly found himself torn from Deans dream world, the hunter must have woken up. Without second thought Castiel flew away from his hospital bedroom. He could not bare to see Dean's face in that moment.
He flew fast and aimlessly until he reached a park. Landing against a tree Castiel tore off his trench coat, then his suit coat, and tore at his tie until it came undone. He leaned up against the tree panting hard and fast, beads of sweat rolled down his body in waves.
Father what have I done? Castiel thought to himself as he tried to piece together what had happened in the dreamscape. Why did I turn my power against an innocent creature? Why did I say those things, why- Castiel stopped himself, he knew why. The creature had damaged his pride, it had insinuated that it knew more than he, that his feelings of love were powerless before the crushing weight of despair. But what of his words? Castiel prayed to his Father for some answer of where such vile thoughts could have come from.
He was given nothing, but believed he already knew the answer as the beast in his chest roared again. He had read about this, humans called it possessiveness, and it had ended many human partnering's. These thoughts, these feelings, these desires, Castiel thought, they must be the shadows of my love for Dean, growing stronger the more I wish to be with him. He needed to learn how to control those dark urges, despite how he wished to act on them, he could not begin to fathom what lengths his desire to own Dean could drive him.
Castiel wound all the thoughts into a tight ball and stuffed them further into his heart, trying to ignore them. He would not falter, not with Dean, he could control the animal within for the sake of his love. Mary had said herself that Castiel was right for Dean, surely that meant he could learn to tame himself. If not he could never be with Dean, not in this world or the next.
Castiel took a long breath and steadied his heartbeat, it would not come to that.
*
Dean woke with a start, he had heard screaming and suddenly everything melted away until he was back in a darkened room. His eyes darted from corner to corner, the shadows closing in on him. "Cas, cas." He whimpered, clutching at the sheets and wishing for the comfortable presence to be near again. "Cas help me."
Through his misted eyes he spied a long black feather on the floor of his room. Dean quickly reached out and grabbed it before darting his hand back under the safety of the blanket. He stared long and hard at the feather before settling back against the pillows, a sudden wave of peace and calm washing over from him. It started from his shoulder and worked it's way to his heart before spreading through him. Dean smiled softly and held the feather close to his heart, closing his eyes as he drifted back into slumber.
"Cas."
Author: Hevyyd
Rating: NC-17
Genre and/or Pairing: Dean/Castiel
Spoilers: None, au
Warnings: None I can think of
Word Count: 4,249
Summary: Castiel goes to Mary for advice, he and Bobby find out what might have stolen Dean's mind away.
There is cuteness of such magnitude it might give you cancer. An encounter in the dream world brings out a
darker side of Castiel, who must find a way to deal with it or face the consequences.
MASTERPOST
This particular corner of heaven was filled with the sound of wedding bells, the brilliant glow of perfect sun, and the static joy of man and woman coming together. Castiel stood respectfully at the very back of the church while Mary Campbell and John Winchester said there vows and were wed, admiring the beautiful couple. If there were two more perfect parents to have sired the love of his everlasting life, Castiel did not know of them. But the sun was hot, even for him, and the ceremony seemed to drag overmuch, and so Castiel's mind began to wander;
Gabriel looked from his little brother to the handsome human standing across the alter. His smile was wide and easy as he gripped their Fathers book in his hands, he had promised this would be traditional. "Do you, Castiel, Angel of Thursday and Reagent of Heaven, swear to take this human, Dean Winchester, as your lawfully wedded husband, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?" Castiel stifled a grin at that last part, like death could keep Dean from the angels arms.
"I swear."
"And do you, Dean Winchester -"
"Oh HELL yes!" Deans emerald eyes were blazing as he stared at Castiel with longing anticipation, they had both wanted this for so long. Gabriel tried his best but couldn't help chuckling along with the rest of those attending the ceremony, he gave Dean a hearty thwump on the shoulder and Castiel could not help but appreciate for Dean always being Dean, even on their wedding day.
"Well then amigos, by the power vested in me by dear-old Dad, I now pronounce you man and angel, make out!"
Castiel leaned in to kiss his mate, and at the moment their lips met, a terrible cold swept through him, through his veiled eyes he could see Dean, thin, sickly, weak, and hollow, his mind erased of everything, his eyes staring up at Castiel almost accusingly. "Cas?"
"Castiel?" The new voice, soft and feminine, brought Castiel crashing back down as his whole body shook with a cold sweat. He clutched at his heart as a stabbing pain ripped through him, tears started to mist in his eyes.
Castiel looked up and the terror slowly drained from him as he saw the serene face of Mary Winchester. She must have halted the memory, or maybe it had ended, Castiel wasn't sure how long his mind had wandered for. Regardless he was glad for her presence, she had a soothing aura about her that made him feel relaxed, it was probably that very reason that he sought her council about matters concerning Dean this past year, she had always managed to keep her focus on the big picture and insisted that with time and patience, Dean would be alright. Such focus, no doubt the product of her hunter training.
"Mary," Castiel began, righting himself and taking in the image of the beautiful woman before him, "apologies, my mind wandered and I did not wish to interrupt your wedding."
"Don't be silly Cas." The Angel loved that the woman used her sons moniker for him. "I've relived it a hundred times, never gets old mind you, but it's not like the guests will get offended if I cut it short."
"I see, thank you."
"So tell me," Mary questioned, leading Castiel out of the church and onto a nearby park bench, "What can I do for you today?"
Castiel sighed and then slowly explained what had happened.
*
"I think I got something." Bobby had said, he and Castiel had been hitting the books for days on end, even with neither of them sleeping no progress was made, there was simply no lore on a creature that could devour it's preys mind.
"What is it?" Castiel questioned, his voice slurred. He had drained a third of a liquor store in three days, Bobby had not question who he had robbed, and the alcohol was finally hitting him, making him irritable, moody, and sometimes making him quickly fly from Bobby's sight so the hunter could not see him weep, crying Deans name over and over again until the sudden swell of sadness abated.
"Well the reason we cant find anything about mind eaters, is because there ARE no mind eaters, well, not really anyway."
"And...?"
"But there is something else, I've actually encountered one before. I was working a job in Japan when I heard about a creature called a Baku, a dream eating spirit."
"A dream eater? So your saying this, 'Baku'," Castiel said through air-quotations, earning a glare from Bobby, "apologies, it is the alcohol. So this beast attacked Dean and devoured his dreams, but how does that explain his lost memories?"
"That's the tricky part, see a Baku is a benevolent spirit, it consumes nightmares so that people can have peaceful sleep, it helps people."
"It did not help Dean."
"Is he in pain? Refusing to eat?"
"No, but -"
"Is he DYING Cas? Is my boy rotting away while I have to sit by helpless?"
"Bobby -"
"THEN THE DAMN THING HELPED!" Bobby roared before storming out of the cramped room. Castiel flinched at the mans tone, he knew that Bobby loved Dean as though he were his own firstborn and that his loss had hit him incredibly hard. More fool he for not noticing how much Bobby had been suffering through Deans hospitalization, too focused on his own feelings of overwhelming guilt and loss.
A minute later Bobby walked back in, massaging his temples. "M'sorry Cas, I didn't mean to snap at you like that." He sighed heavily before slumping in his chair once more.
"No apologies are required Bobby, we both care about Dean very much and are upset over this turn of events, but we are also both tired and need rest. I will go to heaven and seek guidance, you should rest now, I will contact you before moving further, is this agreeable?"
Bobby nodded once and was asleep before Castiel could spread his wings.
*
Mary stared at Castiel intently as he recounted everything that had happened up until the angel had appeared in her personal heaven seeking help. She passed no judgements, instead considering everything that she had heard with equal importance, just as her father had taught her. When Castiel had finished, she allowed him a moment to rest, and then spoke.
"Castiel, I need to ask you something."
"Yes?" The angel turned to face her, head tilted in question.
"Are you in love with my son?"
Jackpot.
"No, I err, um," Castiel began, his face flushing as the angel tried desperately to figure out where he had let his true feelings show. Finding no obvious holes in his story that would allow Mary to guess at such an important truth, he hung his head in resignation and sighed. "Yes, I am in love with Dean. How did you know?"
"Woman's intuition." Mary gave Castiel a smug, knowing grin, "You don't honestly think you can keep secrets from me where my babies are concerned, do you Cas?"
"Women are terrifying." Was all Castiel could manage.
"No sweetie, mothers are terrifying. But I'm glad that your the one who Dean belongs with and not some other skeez-ball."
"Skeez-ball?"
"Someone who would want to play games with my sons heart, someone who would hurt him, I've been listening to the way you talk about my son Cas, and your the one he needs in his life, of this I'm certain."
"It does not bother you that, for all intents and purposes, I am a man?"
"Why would that matter?"
This woman is a saint. Castiel thought to himself, "No reason."
Castiel would have loved nothing more than to end the conversation there, knowing that he had the blessing of his humans mother to pursue him, the father would be another story, but he still needed Mary's advice. So after spending a moment enjoying the sunlight with the beautiful woman, he began again, voicing a concern that had been pressing against his mind ever since Dean and Castiel had first been reunited in the cafeteria.
"How do you think he knew to place my hand upon our bond?" Castiel wondered out loud.
"Because he is still Dean." Mary said simply.
"But if he no longer remembers..."
"I don't think it matters." Mary took Castiel's hand in her own gently and looked directly at him. "Think about it this way, you yourself said that your bond with Dean is profound, 'soul-deep' was the exact phrase no? Well I believe that some things are so important to us, so strongly engrained into our beings that even if we forget them, they never truly vanish."
Castiel liked the thought. He liked thinking that he was so important to Dean that the hunter clung to him even without the memories of their time together. He silently wished that it meant that perhaps Dean used to love him back before... He started to choke up again thinking about the pain Dean had suffered through, but quickly caught himself and regained his composure.
"And if that's the case," Mary began again, "Then that means my baby is still afraid of the dark, in which case you need to be there to tell him there are no monsters under the bed, even though we both no better." She laughed at how ludicrous it all sounded.
"How will I do this?" Castiel asked.
"Simple," Mary said with an easy smile. "I'll teach you a magic spell that will make all of Deans fears go away, lean closer I'll whisper it in your ear...."
*
So father is not punishing me, Castiel thought as he flew back down to earth, it was simply a monster who stole my Dean away from me. Does this mean I can still...? The sudden throb of pain and guilt through Castiel's Grace gave him his answer. Of course not, that's sick.
Even now, even though Father was not displeased, Castiel could still not profess his love to Dean, nor act on the desires that had stirred in his heart, amongst other places. The thought of Deans wide-eyed, innocent expression as Castiel devoured his lips with his own made the angel sick. No, now to act on his desires for Dean would mean he was taking advantage of his loves innocence, doubly so since this new Dean seemed to trust Castiel without question.
Yet it was that same innocence, that vulnerability, that stirred the animal in Castiel's chest. He didn't know what the emotion was, but it was basic, part man, part beast, all desire. The desire to hold Dean close, to nip at his neck and leave little bruises, to cover Deans clothing in his scent, to own him. It made the angel part of him sick, and yet it felt so right at the same time. He compromised with himself by deciding to show Dean the depth of his affection slowly, and if Dean eventually consented and returned his feelings, then he would allow himself to indulge the beast.
If Dean did not want Castiel, then he would simply have to retreat to heaven and smite himself until he burned away the urges.
*
Bobby and Castiel returned to the hospital to find Dean happily mowing down on a plate of thinly sliced carrots and tofu, all the while looking longingly at the more solid foods that the other patients got to eat. The moment he saw the angel, Deans eyes lit up and he smiled at Castiel, willing for him to come closer, the angel complied happily.
While Bobby set off to find the doctors and negotiate a way for Dean to be released into their care - after all he was no longer a danger to himself - Castiel sat down next to Dean and pulled several books out of the pack he was carrying. The moment his hands were free Dean snatched one of them up and placed it on his chest, and Castiel relished the feeling of his heart beating steadily again.
"Dean." The hunter said, pressing Castiel's fingers closer. Castiel nodded in approval. The hunter then moved Castiel's hand to the mark upon his shoulder, while placing his other hand over Castiel's heart. "Cas."
"Yes Dean, very good." The angel said, smiling at how the hunter chose to greet him every time they saw one another. It had taken a few attempts to hold a straight face and smile during the greeting, the first few days Castiel would simply weep for several minutes on end before regaining his composure, Dean looking confused all the while.
"Now then," the angel began, placing one of the books before Dean, "I figured you'll need to learn how to read and write again, so I bought this." It was a simple book meant for children, it contained the basic alphabet and a few sentences and sayings to practice, there were many more like it in Castiel's bag, all aimed to help the hunter become proficient with reading, writing, and speaking again.
Dean bit his lower lip and looked up at Castiel in response.
"Don't worry Dean, I didn't forget." Castiel grinned, pulling a jar of his homemade apple sauce out and placing it on the table next to the books. "But no more freebies, you need to do your work first." Dean pouted for a few seconds, Castiel amazed at how much of Deans previous mannerisms and ticks remained, and then smiled eagerly up at Castiel and opened the first book.
"A, B, C..."
*
By the time Castiel and Dean had finished up dark shadows had fallen all across his hospital room. Dean entered carefully, looking from left to right and shivering, as though expecting something to jump at him at any moment. As much as Castiel wished to keep the hunter awake he needed Dean to be asleep so he could search for the Baku, Bobby had said it might still be hiding in his dreamscape while it "digested" it's meal.
"What's the matter Dean?" Castiel asked, assuming he did not know Dean feared the dark.
Dean whirled around to look at him, his green eyes pleading, he snatched up Castiel's hand and placed it over his heart, letting the angel feel how it fluttered. "Cas," he whimpered.
"Sssh, it's alright Dean, there is nothing to be scared of," Castiel soothed as he led Dean over to his bed and helped him get in. The angel tucked in his fragile human and pulled up a chair to sit next to him, hoping his presence would ease Dean into sleep, instead the human stared at him with wide, fearful, child-like eyes. I'll teach you a magic spell that will make all of Dean's fears go away... Mary's words echoed in Castiel's mind. So, with a sigh he smoothed back Dean hair, composed himself, took a breath, and sang;
Hey jude, don't make it bad,
take a sad song and make it better.
Remember to let her into your heart,
and then you can start to make it better.
Castiel was glad he could mimic Jimmy's register as he sang, and Dean seemed to appreciate the light, sweet sound hanging over the room. After just one verse he seemed to calm and his eyes glassed over, by the time Castiel reached the coda Dean was drifting off to sleep, sleepily humming along. Castiel looked down at Dean as he slept, the gentle rise and fall of his chest, the soft sounds of his breath escaping his lips. It was amazing how peaceful he could be, while all humans could be, while he slept.
He thought of the spell Mary had taught him, "Hey Jude" she called it. It's power was something now angel could do, and Castiel resolved to try and find many more spells just like it. Smiling at the thought, he lowered his forehead down so it touched Dean's, and leapt down into the hunters mind.
*
Castiel looked about the empty, white space he found himself in. It never occurred to him that Deans dream world would be effected by his lack of memories. Almost in response to his concern, the scene began to shift and Castiel could see Dean sitting on a chair in his room, staring intently at the mirror.
"Cas," Dean said, smiling at his reflection and tracing the hand print on his shoulder slowly, with a gentle, methodical caress. "Cas, Castiel, Cas..." He repeated the name over and over, seemingly ignoring the angel who stood behind him. In all the time he had known Dean, Castiel could not once remember him looking this happy, this content, this tranquil.
The moment was interrupted by a shadow that moved in the corner of Castiel's vision. He wheeled around to see a creature lying comfortably on the ground. It looked like a tapir, a human creature that resembled a horse, rhinoceros, and elephant all rolled into one. It stared at Castiel with beady, intelligent eyes before righting itself on it's haunches and filling the room with the sound of it's rich, resonant voice.
"Ah, Tenshi-sama, it is good to finally meet you, despite it not in the waking world." It's lips, if it had any, never moved, Castiel assumed it's voice was purely psychic in nature.
"While I appreciate the honorific Baku, it is not necessary, my name is Castiel, address me as such." Castiel responded, perhaps more harshly than he should have.
"If you insist, Castiel." The Baku bowed it's head respectfully.
"Have you a name, spirit?"
The creature tilted it's head to one side, then spoke, slowly at first, then falling into a soothing rhythm. "Not exactly, I have what you could consider a name, but it is more a purpose, a definition of my being, rather than a true title." The creature rolled slightly on it's haunches as though making itself more comfortable before continuing. "I am called by some 'Anaboko Yami', in the tongue of my country it means 'hollow darkness'."
"I am aware of the translation, I speak all mortal tongues." Castiel responded tersely, wishing the Baku would get on with it's explanation.
"Apologies Castiel, I did not mean to offend. The dark, as you know, is filled with terrible things, some real, some imagined. I exist, as do others of my kind, to make the darkness nothing for mortals to fear, we feast on those dreams that haunt and terrify, and in doing so leave nothing but peace and tranquility in it's wake, a hollow darkness, one that need not be feared."
"So you eat nightmares to help people?"
"Of course, I only wish to help those in pain."
"Then why," Castiel began slowly, his voice beginning to tremble with rage, "Why did you devour Deans entire mind?"
"I only consumed that which caused him pain." The creature responded simply.
"But there is nothing left of him!"
"If that is so then yes, I must have devoured everything." The creatures apparent lack of empathy for it's crime stunned Castiel. "Yet the fact remains that I only consumed that which caused his nightly terrors. Happy dreams provide no nourishment to my kind, we have no reason to eat them."
A thought crossed Castiel's mind, one that terrified him. "Wait," he whispered, "You say 'consume' as though you are eating them like food, not just stealing them away, yes?"
The creature nodded, as well as a Baku could nod.
"So you can't give the nightmares you've eaten back?"
"Can a mortal return food already consumed?" The creature asked simply, it's tone neutral. "They could, but it would be filled with bile, saliva, and useless to everyone. I have already consumed Deans terror and have digested it, there is nothing to return."
Nothing...
"I have caused you pain," the Baku stated solemnly, Castiel could feel the regret rolling off of it in waves, and yet it only made him angrier. "I did not mean to hurt Dean, you must understand, I -" the creature was cut off by Castiel's hand wrapped firmly around it's neck. It flailed and sputtered, but the angels grip was mightier than the spirit.
"You stole him from me," Castiel growled as a pale blue light began to leak from his eyes. "You stole my Dean from me, what gave you the RIGHT?!" Castiel tightened his grip and watched almost happily as the creature struggled in vain against him. "He was so beautiful, even broken as he was, all I needed was time, I could have saved him, I always save him!"
The creature tilted it's head, or attempted to anyway, in question.
"I have given everything for Dean, I nearly fell from grace for him." Castiel was nearly yelling at this point, it was amazing that Dean was completely ignorant of the entire affair, "There is nothing I would not have done to have seen him well again, but you," Castiel gave the Baku another violent shake, his eyes burning with the light of his Grace, "you corpulent, inconsiderate, logic-ridden PLAYTHING, you waltz on in to my precious humans mind and you eat it! Did you give him a choice, or did you just devour him while he slept?"
"What would you have done?" The Baku responded calmly, even though it's eyes were darkening from lack of oxygen, "what would you have done when his body shut down from malnutrition, when he passed from this world because you could not save him? You are behaving like a child Castiel, lashing out in a tantrum because I decided to save the life of your toy rather than let you end it."
"Let me end it, me?" Castiel tilted his head back and laughed cruelly, the anger, resentment, the raw desire to hurt and maim and crush roiled through him like an inferno. He brought his face close to the Baku's, "He is MINE. mine, mine, mine, mine, mine. Mine to break, mine to fix, mine to ravage with pain and pleasure, mine to fuck and mine to love." Castiel pressed his palm to the Baku's forehead and let his Grace rip through his body as he screamed in rage, "YOU STOLE MY HEART AWAY FROM ME!"
He could feel the creatures terror, it's eyes went wide, and then it collapsed in a lifeless pile at his feet. Having smote the subject of his ire, Castiel suddenly found himself torn from Deans dream world, the hunter must have woken up. Without second thought Castiel flew away from his hospital bedroom. He could not bare to see Dean's face in that moment.
He flew fast and aimlessly until he reached a park. Landing against a tree Castiel tore off his trench coat, then his suit coat, and tore at his tie until it came undone. He leaned up against the tree panting hard and fast, beads of sweat rolled down his body in waves.
Father what have I done? Castiel thought to himself as he tried to piece together what had happened in the dreamscape. Why did I turn my power against an innocent creature? Why did I say those things, why- Castiel stopped himself, he knew why. The creature had damaged his pride, it had insinuated that it knew more than he, that his feelings of love were powerless before the crushing weight of despair. But what of his words? Castiel prayed to his Father for some answer of where such vile thoughts could have come from.
He was given nothing, but believed he already knew the answer as the beast in his chest roared again. He had read about this, humans called it possessiveness, and it had ended many human partnering's. These thoughts, these feelings, these desires, Castiel thought, they must be the shadows of my love for Dean, growing stronger the more I wish to be with him. He needed to learn how to control those dark urges, despite how he wished to act on them, he could not begin to fathom what lengths his desire to own Dean could drive him.
Castiel wound all the thoughts into a tight ball and stuffed them further into his heart, trying to ignore them. He would not falter, not with Dean, he could control the animal within for the sake of his love. Mary had said herself that Castiel was right for Dean, surely that meant he could learn to tame himself. If not he could never be with Dean, not in this world or the next.
Castiel took a long breath and steadied his heartbeat, it would not come to that.
*
Dean woke with a start, he had heard screaming and suddenly everything melted away until he was back in a darkened room. His eyes darted from corner to corner, the shadows closing in on him. "Cas, cas." He whimpered, clutching at the sheets and wishing for the comfortable presence to be near again. "Cas help me."
Through his misted eyes he spied a long black feather on the floor of his room. Dean quickly reached out and grabbed it before darting his hand back under the safety of the blanket. He stared long and hard at the feather before settling back against the pillows, a sudden wave of peace and calm washing over from him. It started from his shoulder and worked it's way to his heart before spreading through him. Dean smiled softly and held the feather close to his heart, closing his eyes as he drifted back into slumber.
"Cas."