same old same old
It feels like every time i write in this thing its about the same damned thing, men and the fact that for some reason they all want to be assholes when they grow up.
I can't seem to understand how i can forgive him for all the shit hes done to me without even thinking about it, yet he still cant forgive me.
I've tried to ignore the fact that hes drunk anytime he shows interest in me, I've tried to pretend that he hasnt just been using me most of the time, the truth is i was just grateful for anytime i got with him. I just wanted to be near him so i guess it didnt rele matter what the circumstances where.
I've tried not to love him, and not to want him, but that just wont go away no matter how hard i try. It hurts so much to realise no matter how hard i try he's never going to let me back into his life, and its all my fault
People keep telling me that i cant blame myself its not that im doin the whole over dramatic its all my fault thing but it is my fault, hes changed so much and its me that changed him, hes never been the same since i broke up with him, hes done things and said things and acted in ways that the bannon i knew would never have done. and i cannot blame him for not taking me back because its my fault were not together in the first place.
I dont even know why i broke up with him, people just kept talking at me, oh yea i dont like bannon around you, oh yea i dont like you around bannon. but that shouldnt have made any difference. I was scared i felt like something was going to happen that would really hurt me, it had all gotten so serious and even tho i was scared of loosing him, i just gave him away instead, and i know i broke his heart i know i hurt him and i know he hated me for it, but i tried, i tried so hard to get him back but he wouldnt let me in.
I dont even care about all the ways hes hurt me since then, I still love him, why cant he forgive me.
so its done, I've talked to him, and from what i can see its over, for good, which is better i guess. At least know i know where i stand. I just cant get used to the idea that i'll never kiss him again, I know that sounds like the most cliche bunch of crap but i really mean it and im not just being some over dramatic wingy emo kid i just wanted to get it off my chest because its too hard to keep it all in, if i do thers no room for anything else.
I just wish i could get him out of my head and get on with my life but ive tried and tried, I love him so much that it hurts to even think i wont end up spending the rest of my life with him, i know that sounds drastic that im thinking of who i want to spend the rest of my life with at this age but i cant help it a life that doesnt involve him seems insane.
Ii don't think i'll ever love anyone this much for the rest of my life and i really do mean that.
anyway enough of that god i rele must seem like such a little emo shit lol