(no subject)
It is painful to write.
I have taken the opportunity, with Shin sound asleep, to pick up my pen and strap it to my cast so that I can write down everything in my journal before I forget or die or everything goes horribly wrong. Ever since I have been keeping this journal, when I was a teenager, there have been few breaks in it, none longer than a day. Even losing my arm I had someone write in it for me (though she spoke my language, its written form is still difficult to puzzle out, even when you spoke the words set down on the page. The entry reads like the rantings of a madman, like most things written in our tongue), but here I cannot do that. Anthony would know my words, but what I have to say is too sensitive for his ears, even if I am quite certain that he would not repeat my words to anyone.
When we docked in port, my first wish was to spend some time in the antigravity rooms that Thera offers, getting in as much time as I could with them until I had to get back on ship. We needed supplies, however, and so I enlisted the help of Shin-sin-fa, selfishly, to accompany me to get them. I wanted to spend time with him, even if it was under some pretense. I could carry those bags myself - they would have been unwieldy, but manageable. We got the supplies all right, with a bit of haggling, but it is what occurred afterwards that makes my writing so difficult.
Shin was accosted outside the grocery, led off by a pair of what I know now to be pirates, whom I followed in an attempt to retrieve him. Had I not I am certain that he would have never seen the ship again, and I could never forgive myself if my whim to bring him along got the boy strung up. I walked aboard their desicated ship, and was immediately set upon, held against my will while their First Mate, a man named Worth, taunted Shin-sin-fa and hurt him, making worse again the wound on his shoulder. I challenged the man to a duel, with fists, one I knew that I could win. I am not as fair with a sword as I'd like, and the pistol is such an inelegant weapon, entirely against the idea of a duel besides - and he would not have taken it, I'm sure, had his captain not come upon us and accepted for him.
He broke the tenets immediately, hitting me while I was removing my coat, but I held my anger in check, removing my upper clothing. My body shocked even them - it shocked PIRATES. There was silence as I hit Worth in the beginning, but they soon caught themselves again and were yelling so loud I could not hear myself think. It is mostly a blur from there, though I remember him pulling the knife. He cut me, and I only know where from the stitches over me. He has no honor - nearly took my eyes, sliced my back and stomach, stabbed me in my arm. I quite lost my mind, and though I know that it is a common trait among my people it disturbs me nonetheless. I hit the man so much and so often that by the time I came back to myself with no less than two men pulling me from the pirate he resembled ground meat more than a human. It sickens me to think that I was the cause of it - I offered him the chance to surrender at one point, and he'd turned it down, but I do not wish to be the killer of another man. If he is able to eat normally within the next year I will be heartily surprised. I broke my hand on him.
Shin helped me back to the ship, and I surely caused him more hurt from it. I was lucid, then, and I witnessed Ignatious stitching me, Shin and Otto helping, then a doctor coming to help me as well. Ignatious and Shin fought. I remember Otto crossing himself, looking at me. I am not sure that I will be able to look him in the eye next time we speak.
I have been under heavy medication, for the past few days as well, and I have made some rather rash decisions. I thought that I might be kicked from the ship for fighting - after all, it is not something one desires in a first mate, but I was apparently mistaken. Not until after I had told a half truth to the captain, shown Shin-sin-fa the last entry in my diary, and told him my feelings, though. I was at least relieved about one thing - he does not hate me, and indeed seems to have deep feelings back towards me. He is no poet, but he makes his feelings known well.
I am throwing my career away for him, and gladly. If we are caught it means my position is finished - while the captain may admire my tenacity for getting crewmates out of the hands of criminals, he will certainly not appreciate my breaking one of the simplest rules, that against romance. I am supposed to be an example for the crew, and yet here I am, kissing the cat and holding him to me.
He is so warm and feels good against me though - I can hardly stand to be close to him and not touch him. I want to kiss him, but I haven't yet, not really. I want to touch him all over, greedily moving my skin over his. How can I hide this?! Pretend that I do not see him when we are in front of others? Act as if I hate him, perhaps? How can that do anything but tear us apart? How can it be healthy? I want to have him curl up beside me, feel him against me when I sleep. I cannot do that and keep my job as well. I cannot do that and stay on this ship.
Perhaps I should have kept my feelings to myself. I have only hurt him and me more than I have helped, but I honestly thought, with my brain clouded by something stronger than even morphine that I would not have long to see him on this vessel. I am a fool.
I have been visited by an angel, as well. She is beautiful, statuesque, and most of all very real. She has brought me presents, both to heal me and show her favor of me, and I am frankly flabbergasted by it all. Why one of the heavenly host would choose me above others makes me wish to re-examine my soul. Was it because I dueled again after years without so much as an insult between myself and another human? Because I found love? Because I was lost in the pit of despair, sure that I would not climb out again? All of these things? When she spoke it was obvious that she was not of my race or even one that spoke Common - her speech was broken and simple, but with such a lyrical voice it was still beautiful. I sent off a missive to Bidgete to fetch me some information, but she instead writes me back angry, thinking that I have not written her from spite. Were I not feeling so wretched, I would correct her, as I dislike someone being angry with me, but as it stands I do feel horrid and she will have to wait a few more days, at the least. I cannot shuffle to the bathroom without Shin's help, and I'll not have him writing her. She would have kittens.
Shin is my nursemaid until I am better. It is not in my nature to heal slow, but now I wish it were. I will be on that deck within the week's end, come hell or pain. I believe that Argus is a temporary first mate while I am laid up, at least, that is what filtered down to my rooms from the halls, and really he is a fine choice. I hope they do not give him too much of a headache, in the meantime. He's got the muscle, the brains, and the loyalty to the captain that is necessary, but I do think that he's a touch softer in the heart than I.
My entire right side hurts now. I must stop.
I have taken the opportunity, with Shin sound asleep, to pick up my pen and strap it to my cast so that I can write down everything in my journal before I forget or die or everything goes horribly wrong. Ever since I have been keeping this journal, when I was a teenager, there have been few breaks in it, none longer than a day. Even losing my arm I had someone write in it for me (though she spoke my language, its written form is still difficult to puzzle out, even when you spoke the words set down on the page. The entry reads like the rantings of a madman, like most things written in our tongue), but here I cannot do that. Anthony would know my words, but what I have to say is too sensitive for his ears, even if I am quite certain that he would not repeat my words to anyone.
When we docked in port, my first wish was to spend some time in the antigravity rooms that Thera offers, getting in as much time as I could with them until I had to get back on ship. We needed supplies, however, and so I enlisted the help of Shin-sin-fa, selfishly, to accompany me to get them. I wanted to spend time with him, even if it was under some pretense. I could carry those bags myself - they would have been unwieldy, but manageable. We got the supplies all right, with a bit of haggling, but it is what occurred afterwards that makes my writing so difficult.
Shin was accosted outside the grocery, led off by a pair of what I know now to be pirates, whom I followed in an attempt to retrieve him. Had I not I am certain that he would have never seen the ship again, and I could never forgive myself if my whim to bring him along got the boy strung up. I walked aboard their desicated ship, and was immediately set upon, held against my will while their First Mate, a man named Worth, taunted Shin-sin-fa and hurt him, making worse again the wound on his shoulder. I challenged the man to a duel, with fists, one I knew that I could win. I am not as fair with a sword as I'd like, and the pistol is such an inelegant weapon, entirely against the idea of a duel besides - and he would not have taken it, I'm sure, had his captain not come upon us and accepted for him.
He broke the tenets immediately, hitting me while I was removing my coat, but I held my anger in check, removing my upper clothing. My body shocked even them - it shocked PIRATES. There was silence as I hit Worth in the beginning, but they soon caught themselves again and were yelling so loud I could not hear myself think. It is mostly a blur from there, though I remember him pulling the knife. He cut me, and I only know where from the stitches over me. He has no honor - nearly took my eyes, sliced my back and stomach, stabbed me in my arm. I quite lost my mind, and though I know that it is a common trait among my people it disturbs me nonetheless. I hit the man so much and so often that by the time I came back to myself with no less than two men pulling me from the pirate he resembled ground meat more than a human. It sickens me to think that I was the cause of it - I offered him the chance to surrender at one point, and he'd turned it down, but I do not wish to be the killer of another man. If he is able to eat normally within the next year I will be heartily surprised. I broke my hand on him.
Shin helped me back to the ship, and I surely caused him more hurt from it. I was lucid, then, and I witnessed Ignatious stitching me, Shin and Otto helping, then a doctor coming to help me as well. Ignatious and Shin fought. I remember Otto crossing himself, looking at me. I am not sure that I will be able to look him in the eye next time we speak.
I have been under heavy medication, for the past few days as well, and I have made some rather rash decisions. I thought that I might be kicked from the ship for fighting - after all, it is not something one desires in a first mate, but I was apparently mistaken. Not until after I had told a half truth to the captain, shown Shin-sin-fa the last entry in my diary, and told him my feelings, though. I was at least relieved about one thing - he does not hate me, and indeed seems to have deep feelings back towards me. He is no poet, but he makes his feelings known well.
I am throwing my career away for him, and gladly. If we are caught it means my position is finished - while the captain may admire my tenacity for getting crewmates out of the hands of criminals, he will certainly not appreciate my breaking one of the simplest rules, that against romance. I am supposed to be an example for the crew, and yet here I am, kissing the cat and holding him to me.
He is so warm and feels good against me though - I can hardly stand to be close to him and not touch him. I want to kiss him, but I haven't yet, not really. I want to touch him all over, greedily moving my skin over his. How can I hide this?! Pretend that I do not see him when we are in front of others? Act as if I hate him, perhaps? How can that do anything but tear us apart? How can it be healthy? I want to have him curl up beside me, feel him against me when I sleep. I cannot do that and keep my job as well. I cannot do that and stay on this ship.
Perhaps I should have kept my feelings to myself. I have only hurt him and me more than I have helped, but I honestly thought, with my brain clouded by something stronger than even morphine that I would not have long to see him on this vessel. I am a fool.
I have been visited by an angel, as well. She is beautiful, statuesque, and most of all very real. She has brought me presents, both to heal me and show her favor of me, and I am frankly flabbergasted by it all. Why one of the heavenly host would choose me above others makes me wish to re-examine my soul. Was it because I dueled again after years without so much as an insult between myself and another human? Because I found love? Because I was lost in the pit of despair, sure that I would not climb out again? All of these things? When she spoke it was obvious that she was not of my race or even one that spoke Common - her speech was broken and simple, but with such a lyrical voice it was still beautiful. I sent off a missive to Bidgete to fetch me some information, but she instead writes me back angry, thinking that I have not written her from spite. Were I not feeling so wretched, I would correct her, as I dislike someone being angry with me, but as it stands I do feel horrid and she will have to wait a few more days, at the least. I cannot shuffle to the bathroom without Shin's help, and I'll not have him writing her. She would have kittens.
Shin is my nursemaid until I am better. It is not in my nature to heal slow, but now I wish it were. I will be on that deck within the week's end, come hell or pain. I believe that Argus is a temporary first mate while I am laid up, at least, that is what filtered down to my rooms from the halls, and really he is a fine choice. I hope they do not give him too much of a headache, in the meantime. He's got the muscle, the brains, and the loyalty to the captain that is necessary, but I do think that he's a touch softer in the heart than I.
My entire right side hurts now. I must stop.