Shouldn't hurt me to be free...

Jan 02, 2003 03:16

When I ran my fingers through his hair, it was like I was touching everything I've never touched before.

Somehow it was more intimate than the rutting done in houses that stink of sex. I could feel every single part of his skull, from the slight ridges over his high eyebrows to the bumps of cartilage where his ears began. His neck muscles start just behind his ears, under all that hair. They're tense and corded. I don't have anything on my body that feels like that.

Ever since that night, when I wrote so much that my gears started to whine, I have tried to reach out to him, to try and let him know that I care, but every time I do he just pushes me away. I cannot do anything right. I did nothing to encourage Bidgete's advances towards me, and yet she throws herself after me without a thought, trying to learn my language so she can share secrets with me. But I never showed her my scars, never felt comfortable around her like I do Shin-sin-fa.

Why?! Why does only he make me feel at ease? I keep reaching out, and he draws back. It is my luck that he does not feel the same way, and why should I be surprised? I am ashamed by my own thoughts of him, the way his skin feels when I press my fingers to it and how it tightens my stomach in knots. I would have never thought that I could feel this way about a MAN. I have spent my whole life waiting for the right woman to come along and make me feel right and human, but she doesn't exist, there is only Shishi, who makes me feel less disgusted about this sack of skin that houses my soul.

He doesn't even care about my arm. He said that it feels fine. Why could he not be a woman? Why couldn't that soft skin belong to a girl, or that hair that rushes through my fingers like a thick black river? Why couldn't those upturned green eyes be set in the face of a female, even a female alien?

I can still feel him under my fingers. It is like a burning tingling buzz under my skin, and I keep bringing them to my face and smelling them, imagining that it's him under all that rose instead of myself. I hate the smell right now, because it blocks me from him. He will be gone before it is.

Fate is so cruel to me. My mother, my body, my arm, and now even my love cannot be normal, cannot be right. Something else I must forever hide. He does not like me, not even remotely. I am everything he hates - a first mate, proper, too clean, to careful...how could he think me anything but hideous, some human with writing all over his skin?

I just -

Heut closed his journal, and set it aside. He was a bloody idiot. That's just.
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