(no subject)
i officially don't know who i am anymore. i have spent my whole life wanting to grow up and leave home and be independent and go to college and be a doctor. now, all i want to do is go back to high school, go back home. i have always been too mature for my age and now it is just getting worse. at a time when i just want to have fun, i have to pay bills and take care of a house by myself all while taking a double science. and i really just can't handle it. next semester i am all by myself. not that my roommate participates in any aspect of living here, but it is weird to think that i will be living alone in new york.
i feel like i have been a horrible friend lately because i have been so wrapped up in how unhappy i am. but in this time, all i want is to have a friend. i know i can't be selfish to think that someone can just devote their time to making things better for me, but it is not like this is a permanent state. i can't explain what i'm feeling or why, but i am managing to ruin relationships with people over it. i should be happy that i finally stood up for myself with anthony and told him off, but at the same time it hurts to have such a strong friendship dissolve after such a long time. troy won't talk to me because i am always sad and i bring him down. i can't decide if i am selfish for thinking that he should be there because he cares about me and wants me to feel better or that he is selfish for not wanting to be there because it is not an ideal situation for him. maybe my definition of "friend" is different from others. or maybe i am just that awful to be around.
i wish i were going home for thanksgiving, because i could really use with seeing people there. because as much as we dont really keep in touch, whenever i go back, it's like no one ever left. and i was never really unhappy at mountain pointe because i always had the most amazing people to be around. that's not to say that i havent met good people here, but we tukee kids have been through a lot together. i'm anxious to get out of the city nevertheless, even if it is only to go to pennsylvania. at least i can see my parents. i feel so horrible for putting them through all of this. i begged for this apartment and not only has it become more of a hassle than it is worth, they are going to end up eating 3 months of rent and $2000 of furniture and then do it all over again whether i end up in tucson or seattle. god i'm so spoiled. and i don't even deserve any of it.
my world consists of biology and organic chemistry and around exam time i have to through in american politics and spanish. and that is it. i no longer have anything that i love. no dance, no theater, no singing. and i'm sure i could easily get involved with theater or a choir here, but it just wouldn't be the same..nyu kids are so damn pretenious (well some of them..i'd say mostly those that aren't in tisch that do artsy things because they think they are soo well rounded). and i'm so afraid of getting involved with something, ending up loving it and not having time for all of this school stuff. because i have to get good grades this semester, even though it is pretty much impossible. i promised my dad and i promised myself and it just isn't going to work out. i'm not cut out for this whole private education thing and i'm probably not cut our for med school.
and then all of this ties into me growing up too fast. i don't know why i can't just live in the present instead of always having to look into the future, preparing for the future, and what if my future doesn't work out?
i got hit on in the subway this weekend. again. i have to wonder what it is about me that is so appealing to gross guys in underground transportation tunnels or those working on buildings on the street or those who live on the street, but that doesn't work for a decent man. what about an overweight blond girl with bangs listening to an ipod attracts those kind of guys?
i think i pinched a nerve in my shoulder. and my back has been killing me because i think that my spine has officially given out on holding up my giant boobs. oh yeah, and i have stopped getting my period but am not pregnant, so ept tells me.
so i am pretty sure that i need to continue to draw stupid pictures to get my mind off of things..that was one of the only nights as of late where i have smiled so much. until seattle decided i was no longer welcome because i'm boring and from pennsylvania. i know i am looking forward to my trip up there in january, but i guess i won't be watching "babe" with my attractive blonde emo friend in his dorm room.