Accept the Things I Cannot Change [2/?]
anonymous
July 13 2009, 20:33:15 UTC
As his breathing calms, he sees Matthew standing there, smiling a sad little smile and pretending he’s not hurt.
“Had another bad night, eh?” Matthew asks him, and the sadness lurking behind that smile and those blue eyes hurts Alfred so much. He swallows and turns away, shutting his eyes tight against the guilt. “I - I’m sorry, Matt - I should - I -”
“Hey, hey.” Soft flannel wraps around his bare shoulders, and lips nibble at the skin beneath Alfred’s neck. “It’s okay, Al. You’re okay. You’re safe with me. Shhh.”
Alfred opens his eyes as he feels Matthew rub his shoulder with his thumb, firm and slow - just the way he likes it. Their eyes meet in the mirror, and even though Matt’s lips are pressed to his shoulder, Alfred sees the smile peeking up from the very edge, the first rays of sunshine on a spring day.
Alfred sighs and melts back against Matthew, rubbing his cheek against soft yellow hair. Only Matt, he thinks. Only Matthew can do like this, only Matthew knows how to calm me down.
He opens one blue eye, looking over their bodies with a lazy gaze. “Like you hugging me,” he murmurs, and presses back against Matthew even more. “ ‘Specially from behind.”
Matthew chuckles and tightens his arms. “Of course you do, you big idiot. It’s geography.”
“I loathe that excuse,” Alfred murmurs, feathering lips over Matthew’s temple.
“It’s the truth, though.”
“Mmmyeah, but then I sound like I don’t have a choice in liking it,” Alfred says. He turns in Matthew’s arms, feeling flannel loosen and slide up around his neck as they press chest-to-chest. Alfred yawns as he turns, catching Matthew’s mouth in an open and gentle kiss.
“Ew, burger breath,” Matthew mutters into Alfred’s lips.
Alfred smirks and chuckles as Matt’s hand slides from around his neck to the small of his back.
“Mmm. You like doing this to me, don’t you?”
“Alfred…Alfred, my dear boy, you like this, right?”
Flash of green and sand-blond hair. All smiles and a dark, twisted desire knotted somewhere in the light behind those eyes.
“We’ve got ten minutes ‘till the meeting reconvenes, Alfred. Don’t you want to make the most of it?”
“Arthur, Arthur, please no Arthur, I don’t -”
“Alfred…? Al? Can you hear me?”
His cheek burned from a stinging slap; his body tensed at the remembered feeling of saliva-slick fingers probing inside him.
“Here. Arms against the wall…good, good lad. Now don’t move, it’ll hurt…hurt less…oh God, yes….”
His body feels like it’s crawling with maggots and rot and decay; his hands claw into something soft that gives under his fingers, wants to tear and scratch this feeling off of his -
“Al. Al, come back.”
Alfred blinks at the soft hand on his face, at the fingertips stroking down his cheek. He realizes he’s crying as he comes back to himself; sees the tears in Matthew’s eyes as they look up into his.
And Alfred feels his face crumble.
This is Matthew, this is Matt; this is the boy he grew up with, the guy who could talk him down for a solid three hours (and wasn’t afraid to do it, either). This is someone he loves and cherishes, someone who holds him from behind in just the right way, someone he trusts enough to share an unguarded border with.
But apparently someone I can’t trust enough to -
He bows his head into Matthew’s shoulder. “I’m filthy,” he whispers, breath hitching up on the finish as he starts to weep.
“Oh, Alfred.”
“I…it shouldn’t be like this,” he whispers. “I’m - I’m supposed to be the hero. I’m not supposed to be crying like a baby.”
“Alfred.” Fingers scratch his scalp, tender, gentle. “Hush. Don’t speak if it hurts.”
“I’m ruined.”
“You’re not, Alfred, you’re really not.”
“I -” he sobs and claws at Matthew’s back. He doesn’t want to say he’s scared of damaged goods. He doesn’t want to say he’s scared of what Matthew’s trying to give him.
So instead he shivers and weeps and bites his lip, and Matthew pets him and sings sweet little songs in his ear until Alfred wears himself out, until he has no more tears to cry and lifts his head to look up into Matthew’s.
slow!anon again
anonymous
July 13 2009, 23:27:14 UTC
I love the sensitivity with which you're handling and developing this, Author!anon. The relationship between Alfred and Matthew, though we've seen only glimpses of it so far, seems so healthy and lovely--not only for the way Matthew's patience is coming through, but also for the easy repartee between them in lighter moments. I utterly adore this:
“Like you hugging me,” he murmurs, and presses back against Matthew even more. “ ‘Specially from behind.”
Matthew chuckles and tightens his arms. “Of course you do, you big idiot. It’s geography.”
“I loathe that excuse,” Alfred murmurs, feathering lips over Matthew’s temple.
“It’s the truth, though.”
“Mmmyeah, but then I sound like I don’t have a choice in liking it,” Alfred says.
There's such a sweetness and honesty and easiness to their relationship. I know there's a dark, tough road ahead, but I have so much hope for them. ♥
OP loves you so much right now <3
anonymous
July 14 2009, 01:33:32 UTC
I love so much about this, it's crazy. No doubt I'll forget to list something, but I'll try.
Matthew and Alfred's relationship, for one. You portrayed the healthiness of it so well. The way they felt so comfortable and natural around each other was spectacular, and you could definitely see it in their interactions. The dialogue between them, the hesitant but growing physical contact, the joking, was all so natural and just so lovely for it. <3
Matthew's strength, also. How he could hold back on his hurt to comfort Alfred, hold him close and calm him just because he knows what Alfred likes so well. It's very obvious he knows Alfred, truly, deeply and intimately.
And of course, Alfred's pain, and his struggles with it. His believing that he shouldn't be so weak is such an Alfred-like mindset, and the fact that he only feels worse about himself for causing Matthew pain really emphasizes just how much he feels for Matthew, as well as his mental and emotional damage in general. His triggers coming from such common, loving words breaks my heart, and I'm glad he has someone like Matty to hold him together <3
Favorite bit of interaction: He opens one blue eye, looking over their bodies with a lazy gaze. “Like you hugging me,” he murmurs, and presses back against Matthew even more. “ ‘Specially from behind.”
Matthew chuckles and tightens his arms. “Of course you do, you big idiot. It’s geography.”
“I loathe that excuse,” Alfred murmurs, feathering lips over Matthew’s temple.
“It’s the truth, though.”
“Mmmyeah, but then I sound like I don’t have a choice in liking it,” Alfred says.
Re: Accept the Things I Cannot Change [2/?]
anonymous
July 14 2009, 10:28:23 UTC
“Like you hugging me,” he murmurs, and presses back against Matthew even more. “ ‘Specially from behind.”
Matthew chuckles and tightens his arms. “Of course you do, you big idiot. It’s geography.”
You know...and it is. This was perfect!
I love that you made Arthur the rapist, because as much as I love UK/US, Arthur's feelings for Alfred can very easily take on a very dark, possessive, and twisted cast. And I LOVE that Canada is the one seeing him through it, because I adore Canada/America as well. (And hey, Canada topping is geographic canon!)
“Had another bad night, eh?” Matthew asks him, and the sadness lurking behind that smile and those blue eyes hurts Alfred so much. He swallows and turns away, shutting his eyes tight against the guilt. “I - I’m sorry, Matt - I should - I -”
“Hey, hey.” Soft flannel wraps around his bare shoulders, and lips nibble at the skin beneath Alfred’s neck. “It’s okay, Al. You’re okay. You’re safe with me. Shhh.”
Alfred opens his eyes as he feels Matthew rub his shoulder with his thumb, firm and slow - just the way he likes it. Their eyes meet in the mirror, and even though Matt’s lips are pressed to his shoulder, Alfred sees the smile peeking up from the very edge, the first rays of sunshine on a spring day.
Alfred sighs and melts back against Matthew, rubbing his cheek against soft yellow hair. Only Matt, he thinks. Only Matthew can do like this, only Matthew knows how to calm me down.
He opens one blue eye, looking over their bodies with a lazy gaze. “Like you hugging me,” he murmurs, and presses back against Matthew even more. “ ‘Specially from behind.”
Matthew chuckles and tightens his arms. “Of course you do, you big idiot. It’s geography.”
“I loathe that excuse,” Alfred murmurs, feathering lips over Matthew’s temple.
“It’s the truth, though.”
“Mmmyeah, but then I sound like I don’t have a choice in liking it,” Alfred says. He turns in Matthew’s arms, feeling flannel loosen and slide up around his neck as they press chest-to-chest. Alfred yawns as he turns, catching Matthew’s mouth in an open and gentle kiss.
“Ew, burger breath,” Matthew mutters into Alfred’s lips.
Alfred smirks and chuckles as Matt’s hand slides from around his neck to the small of his back.
“Mmm. You like doing this to me, don’t you?”
“Alfred…Alfred, my dear boy, you like this, right?”
Flash of green and sand-blond hair. All smiles and a dark, twisted desire knotted somewhere in the light behind those eyes.
“We’ve got ten minutes ‘till the meeting reconvenes, Alfred. Don’t you want to make the most of it?”
“Arthur, Arthur, please no Arthur, I don’t -”
“Alfred…? Al? Can you hear me?”
His cheek burned from a stinging slap; his body tensed at the remembered feeling of saliva-slick fingers probing inside him.
“Here. Arms against the wall…good, good lad. Now don’t move, it’ll hurt…hurt less…oh God, yes….”
His body feels like it’s crawling with maggots and rot and decay; his hands claw into something soft that gives under his fingers, wants to tear and scratch this feeling off of his -
“Al. Al, come back.”
Alfred blinks at the soft hand on his face, at the fingertips stroking down his cheek. He realizes he’s crying as he comes back to himself; sees the tears in Matthew’s eyes as they look up into his.
And Alfred feels his face crumble.
This is Matthew, this is Matt; this is the boy he grew up with, the guy who could talk him down for a solid three hours (and wasn’t afraid to do it, either). This is someone he loves and cherishes, someone who holds him from behind in just the right way, someone he trusts enough to share an unguarded border with.
But apparently someone I can’t trust enough to -
He bows his head into Matthew’s shoulder. “I’m filthy,” he whispers, breath hitching up on the finish as he starts to weep.
“Oh, Alfred.”
“I…it shouldn’t be like this,” he whispers. “I’m - I’m supposed to be the hero. I’m not supposed to be crying like a baby.”
“Alfred.” Fingers scratch his scalp, tender, gentle. “Hush. Don’t speak if it hurts.”
“I’m ruined.”
“You’re not, Alfred, you’re really not.”
“I -” he sobs and claws at Matthew’s back. He doesn’t want to say he’s scared of damaged goods. He doesn’t want to say he’s scared of what Matthew’s trying to give him.
So instead he shivers and weeps and bites his lip, and Matthew pets him and sings sweet little songs in his ear until Alfred wears himself out, until he has no more tears to cry and lifts his head to look up into Matthew’s.
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“Like you hugging me,” he murmurs, and presses back against Matthew even more. “ ‘Specially from behind.”
Matthew chuckles and tightens his arms. “Of course you do, you big idiot. It’s geography.”
“I loathe that excuse,” Alfred murmurs, feathering lips over Matthew’s temple.
“It’s the truth, though.”
“Mmmyeah, but then I sound like I don’t have a choice in liking it,” Alfred says.
There's such a sweetness and honesty and easiness to their relationship. I know there's a dark, tough road ahead, but I have so much hope for them. ♥
Reply
Reply
Matthew and Alfred's relationship, for one. You portrayed the healthiness of it so well. The way they felt so comfortable and natural around each other was spectacular, and you could definitely see it in their interactions. The dialogue between them, the hesitant but growing physical contact, the joking, was all so natural and just so lovely for it. <3
Matthew's strength, also. How he could hold back on his hurt to comfort Alfred, hold him close and calm him just because he knows what Alfred likes so well. It's very obvious he knows Alfred, truly, deeply and intimately.
And of course, Alfred's pain, and his struggles with it. His believing that he shouldn't be so weak is such an Alfred-like mindset, and the fact that he only feels worse about himself for causing Matthew pain really emphasizes just how much he feels for Matthew, as well as his mental and emotional damage in general. His triggers coming from such common, loving words breaks my heart, and I'm glad he has someone like Matty to hold him together <3
Favorite bit of interaction:
He opens one blue eye, looking over their bodies with a lazy gaze. “Like you hugging me,” he murmurs, and presses back against Matthew even more. “ ‘Specially from behind.”
Matthew chuckles and tightens his arms. “Of course you do, you big idiot. It’s geography.”
“I loathe that excuse,” Alfred murmurs, feathering lips over Matthew’s temple.
“It’s the truth, though.”
“Mmmyeah, but then I sound like I don’t have a choice in liking it,” Alfred says.
Thanks for another great part, writer!anon~
Reply
Matthew chuckles and tightens his arms. “Of course you do, you big idiot. It’s geography.”
You know...and it is. This was perfect!
I love that you made Arthur the rapist, because as much as I love UK/US, Arthur's feelings for Alfred can very easily take on a very dark, possessive, and twisted cast. And I LOVE that Canada is the one seeing him through it, because I adore Canada/America as well. (And hey, Canada topping is geographic canon!)
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