Sweet Nothings - [10/?]
anonymous
June 4 2009, 06:12:37 UTC
"And now you have." That was where he wanted to cut it off, but he couldn't help the words tumbling out. "I have been so good, lately, but yet you refuse to let the matter rest. You have figured out what I meant and you have given me your answer and yet you still come." America was reminded again of how thick Russia's accent was when he was upset. "I understand, ya ponimayu. I left you alone. Vhy do you continue to haunt me?"
America was bewildered. "You thought I gave you an answer?"
"Da, and it vas very clear, don't you think so?" Russia asked, laughing without humour, and he picked up an unfinished bottle as he did so. He poured it shakily inside a glass and then brought it up to his lips.
"The hell it was! Ivan - fuck, no, Ivan, stop that, you're going to get sick -" America snatched up the glass hastily, and the liquid spilled onto his shirt. He didn't care. "You're an idiot. Seriously. Okay?"
"Yes, I have been told that a few times," Russia said bitterly. He couldn't keep his gaze trained on America's face, let alone his eyes, so he dropped it. "And you've spilled fine vodka on your shirt."
"Christ, look at me. And I don't care. Fuck this shit, listen to me so I can start telling you how much of an idiot I've been."
Russia paused, and blinked slowly. America took it as a sign to continue.
"I just thought you knew," he started, then shook his head. "I mean, that night, when you said you loved me." Love, Russia corrected with a whisper, fingers twitching but America didn't notice. "I didn't know what to say; I really didn't - but I didn't realize you were waiting for me to spell it out for you. I just thought that you knew that I felt the same way about you too."
America placed down the glass on the table.
"I'm sorry, okay? And I -"
"You're lying."
Russia looked even more upset if that was even possible, and he looked at America with such hurt in his eyes America simply stopped halfway, losing the words the vowed to tell Russia ever since he stepped through that door.
"You're only saying that to make me feel better."
America made a frustrated noise at the back of his throat, and almost slammed his fist onto the wall nearest to him.
"Why won't you -"
"What am I supposed to think? How could anyone love me? In all my life, I have been - betrayed, or rejected, or abandoned, and it is so hard to - was it because I am really that undesirable?" Russia asked desperately, holding his head in his hands as he crouched down, not having the strength to stand.
America looked stricken. "Ivan..."
"Is the thought of being with me, to be cared by me truly such a horrifying thing to even fathom?'"
"No, it's not," America retorted fiercely, but Russia wasn't listening.
"Toris, Raivis, all of them. Of course there is Natalia. But I only love her as a sister." Russia took a deep breath, running a hand through his hair with a shaky hand. "And then there was you - I tried, so hard to not adore you as much as I do now - to make you something more than what we just were. Because like everyone else, you would just - you would just leave me in the end - if you knew... If you knew how I felt."
America dropped down beside Russia and threaded his arms around him, holding on tight.
"Well guess what, Ivan," America whispered, and then sighed when Russia tensed. "I'm not just everyone."
"And now you have." That was where he wanted to cut it off, but he couldn't help the words tumbling out. "I have been so good, lately, but yet you refuse to let the matter rest. You have figured out what I meant and you have given me your answer and yet you still come." America was reminded again of how thick Russia's accent was when he was upset. "I understand, ya ponimayu. I left you alone. Vhy do you continue to haunt me?"
America was bewildered. "You thought I gave you an answer?"
"Da, and it vas very clear, don't you think so?" Russia asked, laughing without humour, and he picked up an unfinished bottle as he did so. He poured it shakily inside a glass and then brought it up to his lips.
"The hell it was! Ivan - fuck, no, Ivan, stop that, you're going to get sick -" America snatched up the glass hastily, and the liquid spilled onto his shirt. He didn't care. "You're an idiot. Seriously. Okay?"
"Yes, I have been told that a few times," Russia said bitterly. He couldn't keep his gaze trained on America's face, let alone his eyes, so he dropped it. "And you've spilled fine vodka on your shirt."
"Christ, look at me. And I don't care. Fuck this shit, listen to me so I can start telling you how much of an idiot I've been."
Russia paused, and blinked slowly. America took it as a sign to continue.
"I just thought you knew," he started, then shook his head. "I mean, that night, when you said you loved me." Love, Russia corrected with a whisper, fingers twitching but America didn't notice. "I didn't know what to say; I really didn't - but I didn't realize you were waiting for me to spell it out for you. I just thought that you knew that I felt the same way about you too."
America placed down the glass on the table.
"I'm sorry, okay? And I -"
"You're lying."
Russia looked even more upset if that was even possible, and he looked at America with such hurt in his eyes America simply stopped halfway, losing the words the vowed to tell Russia ever since he stepped through that door.
"You're only saying that to make me feel better."
America made a frustrated noise at the back of his throat, and almost slammed his fist onto the wall nearest to him.
"Why won't you -"
"What am I supposed to think? How could anyone love me? In all my life, I have been - betrayed, or rejected, or abandoned, and it is so hard to - was it because I am really that undesirable?" Russia asked desperately, holding his head in his hands as he crouched down, not having the strength to stand.
America looked stricken. "Ivan..."
"Is the thought of being with me, to be cared by me truly such a horrifying thing to even fathom?'"
"No, it's not," America retorted fiercely, but Russia wasn't listening.
"Toris, Raivis, all of them. Of course there is Natalia. But I only love her as a sister." Russia took a deep breath, running a hand through his hair with a shaky hand. "And then there was you - I tried, so hard to not adore you as much as I do now - to make you something more than what we just were. Because like everyone else, you would just - you would just leave me in the end - if you knew... If you knew how I felt."
America dropped down beside Russia and threaded his arms around him, holding on tight.
"Well guess what, Ivan," America whispered, and then sighed when Russia tensed. "I'm not just everyone."
"I know that," Russia replied quietly.
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