Crossing that Thin Line [5/?]
anonymous
April 18 2009, 20:01:40 UTC
No.
Francis turned away, unconsciously hugging himself. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Ludwig reaching out. Hesitation. Withdrawal. Ludwig was still worried about touching him.
In a way, it was sweet that Ludwig was trying to show respect for a known slut like him, but, at the moment, the lack of touch felt more like rejection stemming from disgust than anything else.
"I..." Ludwig seemed to be struggling with something, but at least he was breaking the crushing silence between them. "Immediately after the war, I didn't... really get to see you. No one told me anything about the..." He faltered and Francis wished that he would just shut up, shut up and leave the topic alone. "About the baby. Then when I saw you again, I just thought..."
He felt the bed shift, felt the warmth of Ludwig's body, felt the fingers seeking out his own, grasping them tightly.
"Francis. Francis, I... I thought... it was my fault. Because who would want a child of... of rape. I didn't... I never blamed you for it. I thought it was only natural."
"Purges." He twined his fingers with Ludwig's, holding on tight to that warm hand, so different, so distant from the leather gloves he always used to wear back then. His hands were trembling, he was trembling, and he was sure that Ludwig could feel it too. "I... at that time, there were so many sides, and, I tried... tried be with every side. I was resisting you, but I also... I also..." It was so hard to say, because putting it in words made it real, and he didn't want to own up to it, because it was wrong, it was humiliating, it was downright insane. But it was true.
"I didn't see it as rape," he whispered, feeling Ludwig stiffen at the confession. "Even though everyone tells me it was, even though I know it had to be, but I didn't... couldn't... back then, even now, I... I don't know. I don't know."
"Francis..." Bewilderment, confusion, and that little bit of something he couldn't think about, so he continued talking.
"I wanted to kill it, I really did. To spite you, partly, but mostly because I didn't want the child to fall into your hands. But I couldn't do it. I... couldn't."
A hand was stroking his face, brushing away the tears that he hadn't even noticed forming. It coaxed him to turn around, and he followed the gentle touch until he was facing Ludwig, though he still couldn't bring himself to look up.
How could he explain to the child's father that he'd felt such relief and vindictive joy when the child died in him? How could he face the world knowing that he'd felt such pain and despair when he found out that he'd lost Nazi Germany's child?
"Francis, I'm sorry."
Francis blinked, chancing a glance upward. There were many things that Germany had to be sorry about, but this, surely this wasn't one of them? Yet there were tears on Ludwig's face and so much sadness.
Ludwig closed the gap between them and he felt lips brushing his gently, so gently, and it was Ludwig kissing him instead of the other way around for the first time since the war.
Re: Crossing that Thin Line [5/?]
anonymous
April 19 2009, 02:22:22 UTC
I fucking love this fucking fill. cannot express how much.
YOU!!!! You AWESOME thing, you!!!
Resistance and collaborators and survivors, France being fucked up about that, and his body, and the sweet little touches like the book stacks, and Francis *noticing* the book stacks...
I adore this. I adore this so *much*, on a character level, on an angst level, on a family/mpreg level, on historical nuance geekflailSQUEE level, just, this is utterly wonderful.
writer!anon wants to cry
anonymous
April 19 2009, 16:32:48 UTC
You know, I just had the next part all typed up and... and... lj ate it. *cries* Now I have to write it all over again! I... I'm so sorry. This might take awhile.
Re: Crossing that Thin Line [5/?]
anonymous
April 20 2009, 11:31:36 UTC
Oh god seriously why am I so hooked on this fill I must've read these two parts at least 5 times today wtf dslfjldjsa;l
A-Anyway, didn't get a chance to comment on 3 before the last part maxed, but I love the parallel structure you used for the pseudo-flashback--made it all the more striking, and chilling when you juxtapose the daily life scenes with the encroaching symbols of Nazism. Beautiful.
As for these two parts, oh lord, how do you manage to make everything so simple and yet so poignant? This readernon is totally in awe of that ability, seriously. And all those little touches--guh, your Ludwig is so ridiculously endearing, and it's such a real contrast to his demeanor during the wars and yet in some ways you can see how his character connects and slj;alsd yes. And that repeated glove motif. Yes yes yes. This looks like it's going to end messily, or at least end up messy (messier, I suppose, lol) somewhere down the line. I'm such a glutton for punishment Can't wait. ;;
I sometimes don't know how I write either, because sometimes, it feels like, one moment, I'm staring at a blank screen, and the next, there are words on it and the words work and I hardly remember writing them... eh...
I will say, though, that the ending has already been decided by history. *grins*
Crossing that Thin Line [6/?]
anonymous
April 22 2009, 14:54:57 UTC
It occurred to him that, after the war, Ludwig had been working very hard to make himself less threatening. This included shunning actions that could be misconstrued, especially in a suspicious environment. Although the world was supposed to have forgiven him, it would take quite a long while more before he would be trusted again. Ludwig had to know that.
It was probably part of the reason why the man had been so reluctant to touch him, to kiss him, to hold him, because it was easiest for him to regard any action as a sexual advance. Even on that night when this child was conceived, Ludwig had seemed... reluctant? No, that wasn't really the word for it. He wouldn't have forced it if the man really didn't want it. Ludwig hadn't been unwilling, just... uncommonly submissive. He did absolutely nothing Francis didn't ask for explicitly, which took a bit of the fun out of things, though it did get a little better as he got more undone. All in all, it wasn't an unpleasant experience, just a little less exciting than it could have been.
But here, here, Ludwig was kissing him. It was a chaste kiss, and it ended all too soon, but that he did it at all was significant. As to what it signified...
"Will you... will you marry me?"
What? Francis stared at Ludwig, dumbfounded by the question. Where the hell had that... hm, wait. He might have mentioned his failed plans to trap England in a marriage to Ludwig at some point in time, but it wasn't like he really want to be married. It would have been a marriage of convenience, because of all that trouble in Africa, not because he actually liked that English bastard. If he was hurt at the rejection, it was only because he was worried about the situation at home. Yes. That was totally it. And he was considering this proposal only because Germany was still one of the more important countries in Europe, with incredible pedigree, and Ludwig was the father of his child, and definitely not to spite that fucking stupid idiot across the Channel.
But hadn't he already decided not to keep the child? And marriage was not for him anyway. The idea of being chained to a single partner was stifling. Besides... "Weren't you with Feliciano?" he asked rather pointedly, giving the man a slight shove.
Ludwig turned red, as if remembering something completely mortifying. "We're just friends, really!"
He gave the German a long, skeptical look, amused by the way Ludwig seemed to turn redder and redder. Something was going to give right about...
"Iproposedtohimonceandhesaidno!"
...there. Huh, who knew.
"You proposed?"
Ludwig had buried his face in his hands by this point in time, so his reply was somewhat muffled. "It was a misunderstanding and we promised to pretend that it never happened."
Francis filed away the information in his mind for future blackmail. If he ever needed it, of course. "And now you're proposing to me. Is this going to turn out to be another misunderstanding?"
Ludwig looked up at him, resolve filling those blue eyes. "No, I made sure there can be no misunderstandings this time. I... I will marry you to protect your honour so that you can have the child without worries."
Francis burst out laughing.
He... God, was he serious? The hurt and confused look on Ludwig's face only made him laugh harder. It was cruel, yes, but, god, it was hilarious. He couldn't help it.
"I didn't have time to get the ring, but..."
He put his hand over Ludwig's mouth, because it felt like he would split at the seams if he laughed anymore. When he finally got it under control, he took a few deep breaths and returned his hand to his now-aching diaphram. Ludwig's eyes followed the action with a note of worry, but Francis gave him a small peck between the eyebrows and he was distracted.
Ludwig looked a little like a tomato, Francis noted, trying to suppress another fit of giggles. "You," he said, giving the man a little poke in the middle of the chest, "are hopeless."
"B... but the books... I even cross-referenced it... I..."
Francis shut him up with a kiss, one that was anything but chaste.
Re: Crossing that Thin Line [6/?]
anonymous
April 22 2009, 15:27:05 UTC
oooooommmmgggggggggggg
Yeah, somehow this fic always turns me into a vapidly flailing fangirl. *cough* A-Anyway, considering the amount I've geeked out over Germany/France lately and your hint, did see this coming, but ahahaha oh Ludwig. BOOKS. CROSS-REFERENCING. SLAJslkjdlsjfslkjd FFFFFFFF *lols forever*
Somehow went from wreck to totally adorable in a heartbeat, and it seems we have some steamy stuff coming up. Are we going to be getting the wedding? |D *somehow also a sucker for wedding fic, I don't even know anymore, my status as someone with a sanity is totally down the drain over this fic*
Francis turned away, unconsciously hugging himself. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Ludwig reaching out. Hesitation. Withdrawal. Ludwig was still worried about touching him.
In a way, it was sweet that Ludwig was trying to show respect for a known slut like him, but, at the moment, the lack of touch felt more like rejection stemming from disgust than anything else.
"I..." Ludwig seemed to be struggling with something, but at least he was breaking the crushing silence between them. "Immediately after the war, I didn't... really get to see you. No one told me anything about the..." He faltered and Francis wished that he would just shut up, shut up and leave the topic alone. "About the baby. Then when I saw you again, I just thought..."
He felt the bed shift, felt the warmth of Ludwig's body, felt the fingers seeking out his own, grasping them tightly.
"Francis. Francis, I... I thought... it was my fault. Because who would want a child of... of rape. I didn't... I never blamed you for it. I thought it was only natural."
"Purges." He twined his fingers with Ludwig's, holding on tight to that warm hand, so different, so distant from the leather gloves he always used to wear back then. His hands were trembling, he was trembling, and he was sure that Ludwig could feel it too. "I... at that time, there were so many sides, and, I tried... tried be with every side. I was resisting you, but I also... I also..." It was so hard to say, because putting it in words made it real, and he didn't want to own up to it, because it was wrong, it was humiliating, it was downright insane. But it was true.
"I didn't see it as rape," he whispered, feeling Ludwig stiffen at the confession. "Even though everyone tells me it was, even though I know it had to be, but I didn't... couldn't... back then, even now, I... I don't know. I don't know."
"Francis..." Bewilderment, confusion, and that little bit of something he couldn't think about, so he continued talking.
"I wanted to kill it, I really did. To spite you, partly, but mostly because I didn't want the child to fall into your hands. But I couldn't do it. I... couldn't."
A hand was stroking his face, brushing away the tears that he hadn't even noticed forming. It coaxed him to turn around, and he followed the gentle touch until he was facing Ludwig, though he still couldn't bring himself to look up.
How could he explain to the child's father that he'd felt such relief and vindictive joy when the child died in him? How could he face the world knowing that he'd felt such pain and despair when he found out that he'd lost Nazi Germany's child?
"Francis, I'm sorry."
Francis blinked, chancing a glance upward. There were many things that Germany had to be sorry about, but this, surely this wasn't one of them? Yet there were tears on Ludwig's face and so much sadness.
Ludwig closed the gap between them and he felt lips brushing his gently, so gently, and it was Ludwig kissing him instead of the other way around for the first time since the war.
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YOU!!!! You AWESOME thing, you!!!
Resistance and collaborators and survivors, France being fucked up about that, and his body, and the sweet little touches like the book stacks, and Francis *noticing* the book stacks...
I adore this. I adore this so *much*, on a character level, on an angst level, on a family/mpreg level, on historical nuance geekflailSQUEE level, just, this is utterly wonderful.
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You are making me love you my dear...this is so, so awesome <3
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I couldn't answer the first fill because the comment limit maxed but YOU, YOU WIN, mister Anon.
Please keep on going ♡
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A-Anyway, didn't get a chance to comment on 3 before the last part maxed, but I love the parallel structure you used for the pseudo-flashback--made it all the more striking, and chilling when you juxtapose the daily life scenes with the encroaching symbols of Nazism. Beautiful.
As for these two parts, oh lord, how do you manage to make everything so simple and yet so poignant? This readernon is totally in awe of that ability, seriously. And all those little touches--guh, your Ludwig is so ridiculously endearing, and it's such a real contrast to his demeanor during the wars and yet in some ways you can see how his character connects and slj;alsd yes. And that repeated glove motif. Yes yes yes. This looks like it's going to end messily, or at least end up messy (messier, I suppose, lol) somewhere down the line. I'm such a glutton for punishment Can't wait. ;;
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I sometimes don't know how I write either, because sometimes, it feels like, one moment, I'm staring at a blank screen, and the next, there are words on it and the words work and I hardly remember writing them... eh...
I will say, though, that the ending has already been decided by history. *grins*
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sorry, no asking for spoilers
Bad anon!self *whap*
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It was probably part of the reason why the man had been so reluctant to touch him, to kiss him, to hold him, because it was easiest for him to regard any action as a sexual advance. Even on that night when this child was conceived, Ludwig had seemed... reluctant? No, that wasn't really the word for it. He wouldn't have forced it if the man really didn't want it. Ludwig hadn't been unwilling, just... uncommonly submissive. He did absolutely nothing Francis didn't ask for explicitly, which took a bit of the fun out of things, though it did get a little better as he got more undone. All in all, it wasn't an unpleasant experience, just a little less exciting than it could have been.
But here, here, Ludwig was kissing him. It was a chaste kiss, and it ended all too soon, but that he did it at all was significant. As to what it signified...
"Will you... will you marry me?"
What? Francis stared at Ludwig, dumbfounded by the question. Where the hell had that... hm, wait. He might have mentioned his failed plans to trap England in a marriage to Ludwig at some point in time, but it wasn't like he really want to be married. It would have been a marriage of convenience, because of all that trouble in Africa, not because he actually liked that English bastard. If he was hurt at the rejection, it was only because he was worried about the situation at home. Yes. That was totally it. And he was considering this proposal only because Germany was still one of the more important countries in Europe, with incredible pedigree, and Ludwig was the father of his child, and definitely not to spite that fucking stupid idiot across the Channel.
But hadn't he already decided not to keep the child? And marriage was not for him anyway. The idea of being chained to a single partner was stifling. Besides... "Weren't you with Feliciano?" he asked rather pointedly, giving the man a slight shove.
Ludwig turned red, as if remembering something completely mortifying. "We're just friends, really!"
He gave the German a long, skeptical look, amused by the way Ludwig seemed to turn redder and redder. Something was going to give right about...
"Iproposedtohimonceandhesaidno!"
...there. Huh, who knew.
"You proposed?"
Ludwig had buried his face in his hands by this point in time, so his reply was somewhat muffled. "It was a misunderstanding and we promised to pretend that it never happened."
Francis filed away the information in his mind for future blackmail. If he ever needed it, of course. "And now you're proposing to me. Is this going to turn out to be another misunderstanding?"
Ludwig looked up at him, resolve filling those blue eyes. "No, I made sure there can be no misunderstandings this time. I... I will marry you to protect your honour so that you can have the child without worries."
Francis burst out laughing.
He... God, was he serious? The hurt and confused look on Ludwig's face only made him laugh harder. It was cruel, yes, but, god, it was hilarious. He couldn't help it.
"I didn't have time to get the ring, but..."
He put his hand over Ludwig's mouth, because it felt like he would split at the seams if he laughed anymore. When he finally got it under control, he took a few deep breaths and returned his hand to his now-aching diaphram. Ludwig's eyes followed the action with a note of worry, but Francis gave him a small peck between the eyebrows and he was distracted.
Ludwig looked a little like a tomato, Francis noted, trying to suppress another fit of giggles. "You," he said, giving the man a little poke in the middle of the chest, "are hopeless."
"B... but the books... I even cross-referenced it... I..."
Francis shut him up with a kiss, one that was anything but chaste.
Reply
Yeah, somehow this fic always turns me into a vapidly flailing fangirl. *cough* A-Anyway, considering the amount I've geeked out over Germany/France lately and your hint, did see this coming, but ahahaha oh Ludwig. BOOKS. CROSS-REFERENCING. SLAJslkjdlsjfslkjd FFFFFFFF *lols forever*
Somehow went from wreck to totally adorable in a heartbeat, and it seems we have some steamy stuff coming up. Are we going to be getting the wedding? |D *somehow also a sucker for wedding fic, I don't even know anymore, my status as someone with a sanity is totally down the drain over this fic*
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I FUCKING love this story with everything I have <3
This is so totally awesome and I await every chapter with love <33333
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WHY SO CLUMSY.
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I literally screamed when i found this updated!!!!!
WHOOOOOOOOOO
CHeers for writer!anon!!
I LOVE YOU!
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