In order to celebrate HETALIA'S anime adaptation. AXIS POWERS HETALIA KINK MEME
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hetalia kink meme
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Okay, let's make history and be more epic than these people, shall we?
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Jesus glanced cagily at the other gods. Shiva was cracking his several pairs of knuckles and looking positively livid. “I don’t think ‘distressed’ is the word I’d use…” Jesus said, his voice trailing off uncertainly.
America ignored him and continued, “And as much as I’d like to give one of these guys the green light, I really can’t. ‘Cause, see, I wanted to be all about freedom and stuff, and religion kinda sorta falls under that category.” America paused for a moment, then leaned in and whispered conspiratorially, “Well, actually, it’s more like I don’t wanna have to deal with these characters-Colbert told me a couple of them are suspicious and that I shouldn’t mess around with them.”
“I can see where you’d get concerned,” Jesus said, deciding to be merciful and benignly ignore that America’s whisper was really more of a shout across the heavens.
Shaking his head tragically, America whined, “I don’t know what they want from me…” Jesus patted him sympathetically on the back.
“Well, isn’t it obvious?!” a bearded god with thick white curls and a toga exclaimed, small sparks of electricity flying from him as he spoke. “I want you under me!” He then ripped away his toga to reveal a rather shocking erection. America felt his face redden.
“Um, um,” the nation sputtered as he tried to shuffle away, “Oh. I didn’t realise you meant under you, under you…I thought-”
“Fuck you, Zeus!” the spaghetti monster screamed, pasta flailing and tomato sauce flying in the air. “You got to nail all the Greeks! I want America!”
Osiris kicked a meatball out of the spaghetti monster with a sickening squelch! “Over my dead body!”
And immediately, all the gods and goddesses in the room began arguing at once.
“I deserve him,” an antlered man with a throbbing erection bellowed. “Pagans are taking up the States by storm-he’s mine!”
“Oh, hell no!” an elderly man in a sensible white polo and a red ascot snapped. “We Scientologists have Tom Cruise. America’s mine by default-everything Tom Cruise says is law among the public.”
“Confucius says, back off, bitches, his ass is mine.”
“JIHAD!!” Allah suddenly exclaimed, effectively silencing the other gods. (America tried to get a glimpse of the founder of Islam, but he couldn’t quite see him-his glasses were dirty.) “We should have a jihad to determine who gets America’s ass!”
Zarathustra let out a long string of swears and pointed accusingly at the Muslim, “No way! You always cheat! The last time I had a jihad against you, you took over my people and forced them to convert or flee!!”
America shrunk away into himself as he watched the gods scream expletives and bring up every war, crusade, human sacrifice, or genocide that had ever happened in the name of religion. He anxiously turned to Jesus. “Oh, Jesus,” he moaned, “all I ever wanted was for my people to have the freedom to choose…” He shook his head in defeat. “What am I going to do?” he wondered aloud. He sighed and asked the Son of Christian!God, “What would you do, Jesus?”
“Well, I’d-wait, you’re not Catholic, are you?” Jesus asked.
America shook his head balefully. “Not technically,” he replied.
Jesus thought for a moment, then shrugged. “Then, I’d suggest getting a lot of condoms.”
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That's amazing. Fucking AMAZING.
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the greatest thing i've ever bestowed my eyes upon
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This is amazing. I laughed so hard throughout the fic, pausing only to squee at the inclusion of the Flying Spaghetti Monster and Colbert, and once more to stare in mute amazement at the cleverness of America's not seeing Allah due to dirty glasses.
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XD This was great! And I loved all the little jokes, like Osiris' "Over my dead body!" and "Confucius says, back off, bitches, his ass is mine."
Oh! And that bit with "What would Jesus do?" XD XD I love you, anon!
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I absolutely lost it when the FSM came in. And oh Zeus, you want everyone under you.
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SO MUCH LOVE for including the flying spaghetti monster, by the way. Pasta flailing; such a wonderful image.
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Now I kind of wish I could draw.
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I died of laughter when I read that line.
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I swear to God (no pun intended) that I will burst out laughing the next time we mention jihad. Oh, Hetalia fandom. What you do to me...
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