Romano On Romance [2/3]
anonymous
March 8 2009, 17:21:33 UTC
Dear Romano, There is a man who has always been like an older brother to me. Times have been hard for him, and many of his oldest friends have abandoned him. Not me; I want to stay by his side forever. I know things would be perfect if we got married and I came to live with him again. I don't think he understands what a good idea this is. We would be happy. I would take care of him and do anything he asked of me, and he would never have to be lonely ever again. How do I make him SEE it?
Bride To Be
Dear Not In This Lifetime,
Oh, Christ, more crazies. Listen, bella, you don't need an advice columnist, you need some goddamn therapy. The reason this guy wants nothing to do with you is because you're NUTS, okay? Nobody wants some loony broad hanging over their shoulder, telling them how they're supposed to feel. Go get a job, see the world, take up a hobby or something, anything to help you stop obsessing over this guy. I'm sure you'll BOTH be happier that way. If in five years he's still single and you've replaced a couple of your loose screws, write in again. Until then, forget it.
Just to be on the safe side, I'm going to double check with my editor to make sure my real address isn't available anywhere to the public.
Good luck…I guess, Romano
---
Dear Romano,
I work with someone I will refer to as F. He's a terrible worker. He's always napping, or taking three lunch breaks, or running after girls instead of paying attention. He has no sense of accountability, no respect for my time, and no drive or personal ambition. He always smells like olive oil. He never works out. He's strangely jumpy about his hair. He whines. And I can't figure out what 'veveve' means, and he won't stop saying it.
In spite of all this, I don't seem to…dislike him as much as…I reasonably should. This past Valentine's Day I tried to express my feelings to him, but I believe I was misunderstood, and I am hesitant to try again. This has created an extremely awkward situation in the workplace which I am determined to resolve. What is your advice?
Bad to Wurst
Dear Motherfucking Potato Bastard,
Yeah, I've got some advice for you: stay the hell away from my brother, or I'll call up some guys who will kneecap you on your way to your car.
Get bent, Romano
---
Dear Romano,
I love my husband, but he's always so involved with his work! I tried to interrupt him at his piano with a bottle of wine and my birthday suit, and he just asked me to please stop blocking his light. I don't get it! Is it me?
Hapless Hapsburg Housewife
Dear Housewife,
I feel pretty safe in saying that it's not you. Your husband's a lucky guy, and I think a lot of my readers are gonna want to hang themselves when they read this letter. I know what it's like living with an artist, believe me; it's like they go into their own little world. If you're really not content to wait him out, you'll need to get even more obvious about snapping him out of it. Got a blindfold? He can't work with that on. And don't be shy about closing his fingers in the piano if he still doesn't get it--it serves him right for neglecting a passionate lady like you.
Romano On Romance [3/3]
anonymous
March 8 2009, 17:24:47 UTC
Dear Romano,
This might be a long letter, please forgive me.
There was a young man who came to work for me years ago. We didn't get along for a long time. He never wanted to work, or talk to me, or spend time with me, and I thought that meant he hated me. He kept getting into fights that I would have to rescue him from, and for a while I honestly wondered if he was trying to kill me. Sometimes, I thought, there were glimmers of affection…but they went by so fast I assumed that I had imagined them.
I think I must have been very harsh with him, although not in the way one might expect; I never forced him to work when he didn't want to, and I never raised my voice to him. But, I also made no effort to understand him. Even though it was obvious that he didn't like being picked up, or hugged, or cuddled, I kept trying to do it anyway. I'm ashamed to say that I treated this poor young man a bit like a pet cat, always trying to stroke him when he didn't want it, and then being disappointed in the cat when he scratched my hand and ran away.
I made him learn my language, but I never tried to learn his. I thought, so long as he can understand me, what does it matter? Maybe that would be okay if I only ever wanted to be his employer, but I wanted his feelings. Why should I have expected that from him when I couldn't even wish him a good morning in his own language? It was the same with cooking, dancing, everything. I selfishly thought that if he knew me better, he would have to love me. Of course, it didn't work that way.
Worst of all, though, is that I constantly compared him to his younger brother. His brother was sweet-tempered and obedient, and a talented artist besides, and at the time, I thought I would be happier having someone like that live in my house. I cringe when I think of how many times that young man must have heard me sigh or complain about him, and then praise his brother, who lived not too far away. And then this young man moved away, and I never even made a proper goodbye.
I want to tell him that I would not trade the memory of him for his brother or anyone. I want to tell him that the years he spent working in my house were the happiest of my life. I want to tell him that I do not resent him for all the fights and expense he sometimes brought me, and that his occasional smiles meant more to me than a hundred hugs and besos from anyone else. Most of all, I want to tell him that I think I've finally got the order sorted out: and that I don't mind anymore if he does not love me--I just want him to know that I love him. But it is never the right time to say these things.
He lives far away, now, with his brother, and I think that he is content. I would like to renew our acquaintance, but I don't want to make him feel like I am chasing him for attention he does not want to give. I just want to spend time with him. Life is brighter with him in it.
My question to you, Romano, is: do you think he would be happy to see me? Or should I keep my distance?
"Buongiorno" is right, si?
Dear That's A Good Start,
I think he'd be happy to see you. Although from the sound of it, he'd never admit it.
Just don't say any of that stuff you talked about wanting to say, damn it. You'll just embarrass the guy.
Re: Romano On Romance [3/3]
anonymous
March 8 2009, 18:00:23 UTC
Anon. ANON. I LOVE YOU, HAVE ALL THE INTERNETS IN THE WORLD. I was kind of hoping on the side when I... seconded? Thirded? this that somebody would do it with Romano--
Was SO HAPPY TO SEE THIS. And you pulled this off amazingly and hilariously. I seriously want more of this, homg. XD The only one I couldn't guess was 'Bride to Be', actually. And lfjlskjsjjkdksl Spain's letter made me tear up. SO ADORABLE LSKJLAKJSLALSJ;;;
And yes, I join anon above in hoping for a continuation. 8D ♥♥♥
Re: Romano On Romance [3/3]
anonymous
March 8 2009, 18:49:40 UTC
Oh god, I've never laughed so hard in my life. That was absolutley brilliant. Oh, Germany and Finland's were awesome. Um, you should write more. Preferably Italy and Russia's.
Re: Romano On Romance [3/3]
anonymous
March 8 2009, 22:18:42 UTC
Dear Romano, I have read the writing of an anon!author and now I desperately wish to marry, and give gifts of millions upon millions of internets to them. Do you have any advice?
OP IS TERRIBLY AMUSED
anonymous
March 9 2009, 03:06:11 UTC
Good job. I actually requested with N Italy in mind... but S Italy flirts with the ladies as well so any Italy would do :DDD Thanks for the excellent writing, esp the end XDDD
There is a man who has always been like an older brother to me. Times have been hard for him, and many of his oldest friends have abandoned him. Not me; I want to stay by his side forever. I know things would be perfect if we got married and I came to live with him again. I don't think he understands what a good idea this is. We would be happy. I would take care of him and do anything he asked of me, and he would never have to be lonely ever again. How do I make him SEE it?
Bride To Be
Dear Not In This Lifetime,
Oh, Christ, more crazies. Listen, bella, you don't need an advice columnist, you need some goddamn therapy. The reason this guy wants nothing to do with you is because you're NUTS, okay? Nobody wants some loony broad hanging over their shoulder, telling them how they're supposed to feel. Go get a job, see the world, take up a hobby or something, anything to help you stop obsessing over this guy. I'm sure you'll BOTH be happier that way. If in five years he's still single and you've replaced a couple of your loose screws, write in again. Until then, forget it.
Just to be on the safe side, I'm going to double check with my editor to make sure my real address isn't available anywhere to the public.
Good luck…I guess,
Romano
---
Dear Romano,
I work with someone I will refer to as F. He's a terrible worker. He's always napping, or taking three lunch breaks, or running after girls instead of paying attention. He has no sense of accountability, no respect for my time, and no drive or personal ambition. He always smells like olive oil. He never works out. He's strangely jumpy about his hair. He whines. And I can't figure out what 'veveve' means, and he won't stop saying it.
In spite of all this, I don't seem to…dislike him as much as…I reasonably should. This past Valentine's Day I tried to express my feelings to him, but I believe I was misunderstood, and I am hesitant to try again. This has created an extremely awkward situation in the workplace which I am determined to resolve. What is your advice?
Bad to Wurst
Dear Motherfucking Potato Bastard,
Yeah, I've got some advice for you: stay the hell away from my brother, or I'll call up some guys who will kneecap you on your way to your car.
Get bent,
Romano
---
Dear Romano,
I love my husband, but he's always so involved with his work! I tried to interrupt him at his piano with a bottle of wine and my birthday suit, and he just asked me to please stop blocking his light. I don't get it! Is it me?
Hapless Hapsburg Housewife
Dear Housewife,
I feel pretty safe in saying that it's not you. Your husband's a lucky guy, and I think a lot of my readers are gonna want to hang themselves when they read this letter. I know what it's like living with an artist, believe me; it's like they go into their own little world. If you're really not content to wait him out, you'll need to get even more obvious about snapping him out of it. Got a blindfold? He can't work with that on. And don't be shy about closing his fingers in the piano if he still doesn't get it--it serves him right for neglecting a passionate lady like you.
Good luck to you,
Romano
Reply
This might be a long letter, please forgive me.
There was a young man who came to work for me years ago. We didn't get along for a long time. He never wanted to work, or talk to me, or spend time with me, and I thought that meant he hated me. He kept getting into fights that I would have to rescue him from, and for a while I honestly wondered if he was trying to kill me. Sometimes, I thought, there were glimmers of affection…but they went by so fast I assumed that I had imagined them.
I think I must have been very harsh with him, although not in the way one might expect; I never forced him to work when he didn't want to, and I never raised my voice to him. But, I also made no effort to understand him. Even though it was obvious that he didn't like being picked up, or hugged, or cuddled, I kept trying to do it anyway. I'm ashamed to say that I treated this poor young man a bit like a pet cat, always trying to stroke him when he didn't want it, and then being disappointed in the cat when he scratched my hand and ran away.
I made him learn my language, but I never tried to learn his. I thought, so long as he can understand me, what does it matter? Maybe that would be okay if I only ever wanted to be his employer, but I wanted his feelings. Why should I have expected that from him when I couldn't even wish him a good morning in his own language? It was the same with cooking, dancing, everything. I selfishly thought that if he knew me better, he would have to love me. Of course, it didn't work that way.
Worst of all, though, is that I constantly compared him to his younger brother. His brother was sweet-tempered and obedient, and a talented artist besides, and at the time, I thought I would be happier having someone like that live in my house. I cringe when I think of how many times that young man must have heard me sigh or complain about him, and then praise his brother, who lived not too far away. And then this young man moved away, and I never even made a proper goodbye.
I want to tell him that I would not trade the memory of him for his brother or anyone. I want to tell him that the years he spent working in my house were the happiest of my life. I want to tell him that I do not resent him for all the fights and expense he sometimes brought me, and that his occasional smiles meant more to me than a hundred hugs and besos from anyone else. Most of all, I want to tell him that I think I've finally got the order sorted out: and that I don't mind anymore if he does not love me--I just want him to know that I love him. But it is never the right time to say these things.
He lives far away, now, with his brother, and I think that he is content. I would like to renew our acquaintance, but I don't want to make him feel like I am chasing him for attention he does not want to give. I just want to spend time with him. Life is brighter with him in it.
My question to you, Romano, is: do you think he would be happy to see me? Or should I keep my distance?
"Buongiorno" is right, si?
Dear That's A Good Start,
I think he'd be happy to see you. Although from the sound of it, he'd never admit it.
Just don't say any of that stuff you talked about wanting to say, damn it. You'll just embarrass the guy.
Good luck: you'll need it,
Romano.
Reply
I, ah, suppose it'd be too much to ask for more...?
Reply
Reply
Was SO HAPPY TO SEE THIS. And you pulled this off amazingly and hilariously. I seriously want more of this, homg. XD The only one I couldn't guess was 'Bride to Be', actually. And lfjlskjsjjkdksl Spain's letter made me tear up. SO ADORABLE LSKJLAKJSLALSJ;;;
And yes, I join anon above in hoping for a continuation. 8D ♥♥♥
Reply
Just realized, but Bride to Be is BELARUS, isn't it? How did I miss that AHAHA XD
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also lol Germany.
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one moment I was laughing my ass off and the next I almost teared up at Spain's letter~
you did a great job anon♥
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Spain's letter was just so...I LOVE YOU FOREVER ANON!
and lol Germany
Moar please please please?
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Another anon here is hoping you'll continue this.
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But: 'Bad to Wurst' actually, physically crippled me.
Marry me Anon, or I'll go Belarus on you and force it anyway
<3
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thank you, anon
thank you so much
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the Germany part is my fave btw lololol
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