Are you there God? It's me, Canada. [1/?]
anonymous
February 2 2009, 23:47:20 UTC
(Alright, so maybe I shouldn't write angst. Cause for some reason, I can't really do it. But, honestly, it sounded like so much fun.)
~~
October 12
So, I finally got my journal back (yes, it’s a journal not a diary, despite anything Al says), but I’m not sure where I can hide it now that I know that Al apparently goes through my underwear drawer. I could keep it with me, but that’s just asking for disaster. Although if Al would just respect my property, this wouldn’t be a problem.
I think I’m going to replace his hair gel with super glue.
We had fishsticks in the cafeteria today. I’m pretty sure they’re trying to prepare our tastes for Armageddon, because I swear those things can survive nuclear blasts.
October 13
The fishsticks made a reappearance today, and I don’t just mean under the heat lamp in the caf. I’m going to start bringing my own lunches.
October 15
Dad and Papa are fighting again. Apparently, Papa insulted Dad’s cooking (which I understand, but seriously, can’t he just choke it down and keep the peace?) I hate it when they fight. Well, actually, I mostly hate it when they make up. Because that usually includes sex. In the room next to mine. And my iPod’s broken.
Fuck.
Later
Seriously, this can’t be healthy for my developing brain. If they keep going, I’m going to start composing bad poetry.
Still later
My family is practically insane I don’t know what to do All they do is bring me pain Maybe I should pretend to have the flu
Every day I’m all but ignored Except when I happen to do something wrong Al, especially at school, is universally adored But I’m not so desperate as to tag along
Papa can’t seem to keep it in his pants Although he says he does it out of love It sends Dad on long angry rants Which Papa tends to seduce him out of
I know this is quite belated But I hope to God that I’m not related
Even later
Sakura petals Falling on my hair in spring My walls are too thin
Fields are made bright gold Baked soft in the summer heat Why are they so loud?
The fall air is crisp Like breathing in ice cold clouds Seriously guys
Winter brings the snow Cold and clean like brand new sheets Someone kill me now
Aren’t they dehydrated yet?
You’d think that my life would be grand But I don’t know how much more I can stand Everyone else Has sex in this house But all that I’ve got is my hand
I’m buying a new iPod tomorrow.
Chill out, whatcha yelling for? Lay back, it’s all been done before
Okay that’s it. Once I start singing Avril to drown out all the other sounds, it’s time to go sleep on the basement couch.
October 16
Writing this in detention. There was new girl in class today. She's entirely too cute, and I spent the entire class watching her (discretely, of course. I’m not a pervert.) Of course, the teacher caught me not paying attention and suggested that if I wanted to use class time to daydream, I could use detention time to do homework.
I wonder what her name is? I wonder how her hair feels? What her favourite colour is? Whether she would be okay with going out with someone who has two fathers?
I think I’m in love.
Later
I am never bringing any girl home to this family. Ever. Will write about it later when I'm less inclined to chew off my own arm.
Re: Are you there God? It's me, Canada. [1/?]
anonymous
February 3 2009, 21:55:21 UTC
This is FABULOUS. I love diary!fics, and I love how you got Canada's subtle snarkiness down here (especially considering how many people seem to overlook that part of his personality!).
Had me simultaneously LOLing and going 'aw, poor Canada.'
Re: Are you there God? It's me, Canada. [1/?]
anonymous
February 3 2009, 22:24:24 UTC
pffft. Cheer up emo kid. You've got the self-involved banality of most teenage diaries/blogs etc down perfectly though writer-anon! I sort of want Prussia to find this diary and read excerpts aloud during homeroom or something. Especially those poems!
Are you there God? It's me, Canada. [2/?]
anonymous
February 5 2009, 03:21:16 UTC
Pretty sure it’s still October 16, around midnight
There are often times I wish that I had even just a ‘wacky’ family. Because at least that would be a step up from what I have now.
So, we’re there eating dinner. Dad, Papa, and Al are talking loudly about whatever, as usual, while I’m just trying to keep my head down and make it through the meal with as much dignity as possible in this household. (They make that crazy family from that Greek movie look like the Cleavers in comparison.) Because I was just concentrating on my lasagne and imagining what the new girl might look like without a shirt on, I didn’t hear what Dad was specifically talking about.
However, I will never forget Al’s next words for as long as I live.
They were, and I quote, “About as much use as a dildo to a gay couple?”
The entire table went silent for a second. Al just grinned his cocky ‘Lookatme,I’manasshole’ grin and held one up. I could tell by the expression on Dad’s face that it was in fact something of theirs, and I couldn’t tell what was shocked me more, that Dad and Papa had one of those things, or that Al would go looking for it.
So of course, being the mature, responsible parents they are, they both lambasted Al for going through their personal things and we returned to a quiet dinner, right?
Oh, I wish.
Papa started explaining. Explaining. Uses, care, types… Gah, my mind is shuddering at the memory even now. I wouldn't be surprised if it sent me into extensive therapy in later years.
Dad, ever the calm one, leapt over the table to try and wrestle the thing out of Al’s hands while my brother laughed like a hyena.
When it went flying and landed in the salad bowl, I gave up. Excusing myself politely, I took my plate to the living room and turned on the hockey game as loud as it would go.
And they wonder why I never bring friends over. Can I? When even dildos make an appearance at the dinner table?
I imagine the new girl’s family is calm and polite and they always have pie for dessert after a normal dinner. Take me away, God.
I hear it’s summer in Australia.
October 17
Can’t write. My depths of anguish are fathomless.
Later
The new girl’s name? Feliks.
WHY DO YOU MOCK ME, GOD?!?!
Even later
Doing a little better now Even though my life is still horrible Still, I could be failing English like Al Papa and Dad are ‘making up’ Again I’m on the couch downstairs Is it such a wonder I mistook him for a girl? Really, his hair better looking than mine
October 18
The wear must be showing on my face. Chel asked me today during lunch if anything was wrong. I tried blaming it on the refried refried bean paste in the lukewarm burritos (I wish I could convince myself to put in the effort to make lunches in the morning, but the eternal optimist I am, I still hope for a good caf lunch), but she wasn’t having any of it. I gave her a look and replied that she knew my family since she basically lived with us until her family moved across town.
She just laughed. I rolled my eyes. She can laugh. She doesn’t have to live with them.
I told her about Feliks too, and she just laughed harder.
“Nut doesn’t fall far from the tree,” she smirked, slugging me in the shoulder.
“You’re insane,” I replied, deciding the refried refried bean paste kind of tasted like cardboard mixed with Worcestershire sauce. “Just like them.”
“Probably why I’m still your friend.”
I snorted and forced her to teach me physics.
October 19
There’s really only two good things about PE:
1) When we play hockey 2) When summer comes and the girls wear the really tight shorts and play volleyball
Other than that, it’s shit.
Like today. We played Doctor Dodgeball.
First of all, we're in high school. I played dodgeball in elementary.
Second of all, dodging is not one of my strong suits. I was a doctor, so of course I had a million balls whizzing at me, the majority of them thrown by Al on the other team. God, he's a dick.
I hate dodgeball.
October 21
Al said he measured his and it was just over 7 inches.
I just measured mine, and it’s sitting quite nicely at 7 and ¾.
~~
October 12
So, I finally got my journal back (yes, it’s a journal not a diary, despite anything Al says), but I’m not sure where I can hide it now that I know that Al apparently goes through my underwear drawer. I could keep it with me, but that’s just asking for disaster. Although if Al would just respect my property, this wouldn’t be a problem.
I think I’m going to replace his hair gel with super glue.
We had fishsticks in the cafeteria today. I’m pretty sure they’re trying to prepare our tastes for Armageddon, because I swear those things can survive nuclear blasts.
October 13
The fishsticks made a reappearance today, and I don’t just mean under the heat lamp in the caf. I’m going to start bringing my own lunches.
October 15
Dad and Papa are fighting again. Apparently, Papa insulted Dad’s cooking (which I understand, but seriously, can’t he just choke it down and keep the peace?) I hate it when they fight. Well, actually, I mostly hate it when they make up. Because that usually includes sex. In the room next to mine. And my iPod’s broken.
Fuck.
Later
Seriously, this can’t be healthy for my developing brain. If they keep going, I’m going to start composing bad poetry.
Still later
My family is practically insane
I don’t know what to do
All they do is bring me pain
Maybe I should pretend to have the flu
Every day I’m all but ignored
Except when I happen to do something wrong
Al, especially at school, is universally adored
But I’m not so desperate as to tag along
Papa can’t seem to keep it in his pants
Although he says he does it out of love
It sends Dad on long angry rants
Which Papa tends to seduce him out of
I know this is quite belated
But I hope to God that I’m not related
Even later
Sakura petals
Falling on my hair in spring
My walls are too thin
Fields are made bright gold
Baked soft in the summer heat
Why are they so loud?
The fall air is crisp
Like breathing in ice cold clouds
Seriously guys
Winter brings the snow
Cold and clean like brand new sheets
Someone kill me now
Aren’t they dehydrated yet?
You’d think that my life would be grand
But I don’t know how much more I can stand
Everyone else
Has sex in this house
But all that I’ve got is my hand
I’m buying a new iPod tomorrow.
Chill out, whatcha yelling for?
Lay back, it’s all been done before
Okay that’s it. Once I start singing Avril to drown out all the other sounds, it’s time to go sleep on the basement couch.
October 16
Writing this in detention. There was new girl in class today. She's entirely too cute, and I spent the entire class watching her (discretely, of course. I’m not a pervert.) Of course, the teacher caught me not paying attention and suggested that if I wanted to use class time to daydream, I could use detention time to do homework.
I wonder what her name is? I wonder how her hair feels? What her favourite colour is? Whether she would be okay with going out with someone who has two fathers?
I think I’m in love.
Later
I am never bringing any girl home to this family. Ever. Will write about it later when I'm less inclined to chew off my own arm.
Reply
Reply
Reply
Had me simultaneously LOLing and going 'aw, poor Canada.'
Keep writing! You've got a fan right here!
And I LOVE the title, by the way <3
Reply
Reply
oh anon ♥
Reply
I eagerly await more.
Reply
(MOARRRR)
Who's the girl? SeychellesSeychellesSeychelles
...Avril? We know he's gone nuts when...
Reply
♥ ♥
Reply
Great job!
Reply
Reply
Genius genius genius pure comedy angst-gold genius of the highest order amazingly spectacularly geni-
*explodes*
Reply
There are often times I wish that I had even just a ‘wacky’ family. Because at least that would be a step up from what I have now.
So, we’re there eating dinner. Dad, Papa, and Al are talking loudly about whatever, as usual, while I’m just trying to keep my head down and make it through the meal with as much dignity as possible in this household. (They make that crazy family from that Greek movie look like the Cleavers in comparison.) Because I was just concentrating on my lasagne and imagining what the new girl might look like without a shirt on, I didn’t hear what Dad was specifically talking about.
However, I will never forget Al’s next words for as long as I live.
They were, and I quote, “About as much use as a dildo to a gay couple?”
The entire table went silent for a second. Al just grinned his cocky ‘Lookatme,I’manasshole’ grin and held one up. I could tell by the expression on Dad’s face that it was in fact something of theirs, and I couldn’t tell what was shocked me more, that Dad and Papa had one of those things, or that Al would go looking for it.
So of course, being the mature, responsible parents they are, they both lambasted Al for going through their personal things and we returned to a quiet dinner, right?
Oh, I wish.
Papa started explaining. Explaining. Uses, care, types… Gah, my mind is shuddering at the memory even now. I wouldn't be surprised if it sent me into extensive therapy in later years.
Dad, ever the calm one, leapt over the table to try and wrestle the thing out of Al’s hands while my brother laughed like a hyena.
When it went flying and landed in the salad bowl, I gave up. Excusing myself politely, I took my plate to the living room and turned on the hockey game as loud as it would go.
And they wonder why I never bring friends over. Can I? When even dildos make an appearance at the dinner table?
I imagine the new girl’s family is calm and polite and they always have pie for dessert after a normal dinner. Take me away, God.
I hear it’s summer in Australia.
October 17
Can’t write. My depths of anguish are fathomless.
Later
The new girl’s name? Feliks.
WHY DO YOU MOCK ME, GOD?!?!
Even later
Doing a little better now
Even though my life is still horrible
Still, I could be failing English like Al
Papa and Dad are ‘making up’
Again I’m on the couch downstairs
Is it such a wonder I mistook him for a girl?
Really, his hair better looking than mine
October 18
The wear must be showing on my face. Chel asked me today during lunch if anything was wrong. I tried blaming it on the refried refried bean paste in the lukewarm burritos (I wish I could convince myself to put in the effort to make lunches in the morning, but the eternal optimist I am, I still hope for a good caf lunch), but she wasn’t having any of it. I gave her a look and replied that she knew my family since she basically lived with us until her family moved across town.
She just laughed. I rolled my eyes. She can laugh. She doesn’t have to live with them.
I told her about Feliks too, and she just laughed harder.
“Nut doesn’t fall far from the tree,” she smirked, slugging me in the shoulder.
“You’re insane,” I replied, deciding the refried refried bean paste kind of tasted like cardboard mixed with Worcestershire sauce. “Just like them.”
“Probably why I’m still your friend.”
I snorted and forced her to teach me physics.
October 19
There’s really only two good things about PE:
1) When we play hockey
2) When summer comes and the girls wear the really tight shorts and play volleyball
Other than that, it’s shit.
Like today. We played Doctor Dodgeball.
First of all, we're in high school. I played dodgeball in elementary.
Second of all, dodging is not one of my strong suits. I was a doctor, so of course I had a million balls whizzing at me, the majority of them thrown by Al on the other team. God, he's a dick.
I hate dodgeball.
October 21
Al said he measured his and it was just over 7 inches.
I just measured mine, and it’s sitting quite nicely at 7 and ¾.
Score:
Al - 213
Me - 1
Alright.
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Reply
never stop, anon, NEVER STOP~
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