Corned Beef and Cabbage 1/1
anonymous
August 10 2011, 18:42:51 UTC
Why do I only write crack for the kink meme? Why?
America stepped out of the bedroom and held out his arms to show off his outfit.
“What’d you think? Fancy, right?” he said happily.
“Why? Why, why, why, why, for the love of God? Why are you wearing a meat-dress?”
That was not exactly the response America was hoping for. He shuffled his feet awkwardly. Anything done in a meat-dress automatically gets the adjective “awkward;” it is impossible to not be awkward in a meat-dress.
“Um. So. England. It’s almost St. Patrick’s Day!” America said, as way of explanation. “See the corned beef?”
England wrinkled his nose. “Salt beef, you mean? Where did you get all of that? You smell like a Reuben.”
“Dude, I’m America and it’s almost fucking St. Patrick’s Day and I’m away from home. Corned beef for the win, dude. I need this shit,” said America smugly. “Wanna touch it?”
England exuded a feeling of genteel disgust. “No, I do not want to touch it. And we’re not on your soil, so I am still buggered to know why you felt the need to wear all of that salt beef.”
“C’mon, don’t you know how much American’s love corned beef for St. Patty’s Day?! I can’t not celebrate St. Patrick’s Day and I just get in the corned beef feeling. I thought you would be proud that I can keep up with my national identity while overseas!”
He had changed in the bedroom, England thought, distantly. England realized the very likely possibility that America had allowed all of that salt beef to come in contact with the bed they shared when America was visiting. He began to weep.
“Lady Gaga is ruining the world and our sheets, and she’s from your country! St. Patrick’s Day and meat dresses! What will you do next?” England said, turning his face to the floor. America saw the tears and, miraculously being able to read the situation this time, went over to embrace England who shrieked and shoved him away.
“No! Keep that atrocity away from me! We’re not going out like that,” England said. “Change!”
“But…but we’ll miss our reservation…” America said sadly, fiddling with the bacon and offal hem of his meat-gown. “I thought you were looking forward to it.”
England threw up his hands. “Bugger the reservation! We’ll go to a Jewish place so you can get your damn salt beef. And we’ll have to drink terrible wine, and you can have your bloody salt beef, and I won’t have to see that ever again. Everybody wins.”
America sighed. “Okay. What will I do with all this meat, though?”
”You didn’t think this through?”
America put his hands up in front of his face as protection from England’s wrath of manly tears.
“I’ll get changed,” he said, sadly. “I’ll just throw this stuff out on the way out.”
“Now you’re wasting food!” said England, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “Didn’t Japan show you Graves of the Fireflies? Didn’t you promise to never, ever, I promise, England, waste food again?”
More sighs. “Yes, England. I’ll put it in the fridge.”
And America walked down the hall and into the kitchen, removing his cured meat products as he did so, until he was in nothing but his underwear. He bent over to open one of the oak cabinets and retrieve some aluminum foil.
England swallowed thickly. Perhaps they should stay in, instead. After a long shower, preferably together.
Corned Beef and Cabbage Notes
anonymous
August 10 2011, 19:02:26 UTC
I feel some notes are needed:
Corned beef and cabbage is not actually and Irish national food, not really. It is a food of Irish-American immigrants and is hugely popular around St. Patrick's Day. For those who have not had it, it is fantastic. In the UK, what Americans call corned beef is called salt beef, and is thought of as something of a Jewish food. You can really only get it in cities with sizable Jewish populations, so this is why England said they would go to a Jewish place instead.
What the English call corned beef is minced corned beef in gelatin and is usually sold in oblong tins.
On why England said they would have bad wine: in order for wine to be Kosher, a Jew who observes the Sabbath must be involved in every part of wine-making. Many Kosher-wines do not taste very good, for some reason, though there are plenty that do. England has one of the largest Jewish populations in Europe, so I think he would have definitely tried Kosher wine at one point or another.
Not!OP is dying of laughter
anonymous
August 10 2011, 19:19:09 UTC
Who says that crack can't be a good thing, author!anon, especially after a long and hard day when one just needs to laugh for a bit? This was pure comedy gold, and heeee at that perverted!England moment at the end.
OP Loves it!
anonymous
August 10 2011, 23:58:57 UTC
This was brilliant! I never imagined corned beef which would be hysterical. And America thought he could wear it to a restaurant? Save the sheets England!
Brilliant and crack is great. It's hard to not be crack with a prompt like this.
America stepped out of the bedroom and held out his arms to show off his outfit.
“What’d you think? Fancy, right?” he said happily.
“Why? Why, why, why, why, for the love of God? Why are you wearing a meat-dress?”
That was not exactly the response America was hoping for. He shuffled his feet awkwardly. Anything done in a meat-dress automatically gets the adjective “awkward;” it is impossible to not be awkward in a meat-dress.
“Um. So. England. It’s almost St. Patrick’s Day!” America said, as way of explanation. “See the corned beef?”
England wrinkled his nose. “Salt beef, you mean? Where did you get all of that? You smell like a Reuben.”
“Dude, I’m America and it’s almost fucking St. Patrick’s Day and I’m away from home. Corned beef for the win, dude. I need this shit,” said America smugly. “Wanna touch it?”
England exuded a feeling of genteel disgust. “No, I do not want to touch it. And we’re not on your soil, so I am still buggered to know why you felt the need to wear all of that salt beef.”
“C’mon, don’t you know how much American’s love corned beef for St. Patty’s Day?! I can’t not celebrate St. Patrick’s Day and I just get in the corned beef feeling. I thought you would be proud that I can keep up with my national identity while overseas!”
He had changed in the bedroom, England thought, distantly. England realized the very likely possibility that America had allowed all of that salt beef to come in contact with the bed they shared when America was visiting. He began to weep.
“Lady Gaga is ruining the world and our sheets, and she’s from your country! St. Patrick’s Day and meat dresses! What will you do next?” England said, turning his face to the floor. America saw the tears and, miraculously being able to read the situation this time, went over to embrace England who shrieked and shoved him away.
“No! Keep that atrocity away from me! We’re not going out like that,” England said. “Change!”
“But…but we’ll miss our reservation…” America said sadly, fiddling with the bacon and offal hem of his meat-gown. “I thought you were looking forward to it.”
England threw up his hands. “Bugger the reservation! We’ll go to a Jewish place so you can get your damn salt beef. And we’ll have to drink terrible wine, and you can have your bloody salt beef, and I won’t have to see that ever again. Everybody wins.”
America sighed. “Okay. What will I do with all this meat, though?”
”You didn’t think this through?”
America put his hands up in front of his face as protection from England’s wrath of manly tears.
“I’ll get changed,” he said, sadly. “I’ll just throw this stuff out on the way out.”
“Now you’re wasting food!” said England, crossing his arms in front of his chest. “Didn’t Japan show you Graves of the Fireflies? Didn’t you promise to never, ever, I promise, England, waste food again?”
More sighs. “Yes, England. I’ll put it in the fridge.”
And America walked down the hall and into the kitchen, removing his cured meat products as he did so, until he was in nothing but his underwear. He bent over to open one of the oak cabinets and retrieve some aluminum foil.
England swallowed thickly. Perhaps they should stay in, instead. After a long shower, preferably together.
Reply
Corned beef and cabbage is not actually and Irish national food, not really. It is a food of Irish-American immigrants and is hugely popular around St. Patrick's Day. For those who have not had it, it is fantastic. In the UK, what Americans call corned beef is called salt beef, and is thought of as something of a Jewish food. You can really only get it in cities with sizable Jewish populations, so this is why England said they would go to a Jewish place instead.
What the English call corned beef is minced corned beef in gelatin and is usually sold in oblong tins.
On why England said they would have bad wine: in order for wine to be Kosher, a Jew who observes the Sabbath must be involved in every part of wine-making. Many Kosher-wines do not taste very good, for some reason, though there are plenty that do. England has one of the largest Jewish populations in Europe, so I think he would have definitely tried Kosher wine at one point or another.
Reply
Reply
I love England's "AUGH WHY ARE YOU SO FAIL" manry tears
and America's "WOOHOOO I'm wearing greasy animal products~"
Reply
Brilliant and crack is great. It's hard to not be crack with a prompt like this.
Reply
Reply
Leave a comment