Re: Soundly, soundly [5/?]
anonymous
October 28 2011, 02:08:27 UTC
Your phrasing is somewhat awkward (all sentences should have a subject (the noun performing the action) and verb at least... you tend to skip on the subject a couple times) at points but I do sense a fairy-tale aspect that I find refreshing. Also, I love the mixture of Arthurian legend along with the king of spades, as well as the chess reference.
My only suggestion is to get a beta. For now, I'll mention that you can't start a sentence with "Was" unless it's a question. Also, keep anything like "he replied" in the same paragraph as the dialogue. Finally, don't end a sentence with a comma like: "But," and then have a new paragraph. Because I suspect it, dialogue works like this (please forgive my random examples):
"But," he started.
"Wait!" he said.
"But."
"Why?" he asked.
"Wait." He bent down.
He shouted, "Wait!" (or He shouted: "Wait!")
(So note that they end in a comma when the sentence after the dialogue relates to the dialogue being said, but when it's an action unrelated to the dialogue like "bending", you need to end the dialogue with a period. Also, note how you keep things uncapitalized ("he said" not "He said" after dialogue because it's a continuation of the sentence.)
My only suggestion is to get a beta. For now, I'll mention that you can't start a sentence with "Was" unless it's a question. Also, keep anything like "he replied" in the same paragraph as the dialogue. Finally, don't end a sentence with a comma like: "But," and then have a new paragraph. Because I suspect it, dialogue works like this (please forgive my random examples):
"But," he started.
"Wait!" he said.
"But."
"Why?" he asked.
"Wait." He bent down.
He shouted, "Wait!" (or He shouted: "Wait!")
(So note that they end in a comma when the sentence after the dialogue relates to the dialogue being said, but when it's an action unrelated to the dialogue like "bending", you need to end the dialogue with a period. Also, note how you keep things uncapitalized ("he said" not "He said" after dialogue because it's a continuation of the sentence.)
Looking forward to future installments!
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