[Part 14] World War Uke (5/?)
anonymous
April 25 2011, 17:11:51 UTC
“Germany, Germany! Touch my belly! I’m so rolly-polly!” Italy exclaimed cheerfully, taking Germany’s other hand and holding it to his stomach. Germany’s face fell into his usual “why me?” expression, but he humored him nonetheless.
America finished off his second plate easily and drank his milkshake, humming. England looked at him while plotting the next round of events.
“I think I’m going to be sick,” Canada moaned. France merely nodded in agreement.
Xxx
That night they settled into France’s (“Vastly inferior,” England sniffed) house rather than get a hotel room. America wasn’t hungry anymore; he certainly wasn’t full anymore either, but he had a feeling that England’s kindness would run out sooner or later and he should probably be happy with the fact he’d finally gotten to drink a milkshake with dinner. “So, uh, rough day, huh?”
England paused in the middle of undressing. “Was it really only this morning that you ran off?”
“It doesn’t seem like it, but it was.” America yawned and stretched out. “Craziness.” He then noticed the new look on England’s face, like a very hungry wolf looking at a delicious lamb dinner. “Uh…”
England smirked, and it was hardly a comforting one. “America, you and I are going to have sex. It’s going to be the hottest sex you’ve ever had, and you’re going to be so loud the entire house shakes! Everyone here will be jealous of our hot carnal liaisons.”
America blinked, then grinned, deciding to ignore the warning the smirk was giving him. “Sounds good to me!”
It was for the best for America that he ignored that smirk, considering it wasn’t him that England was “warning.”
“They can’t be serious,” Germany muttered from the bed where he and Italy were cuddling. They were both wearing fluffy bathrobes and sipping hot cocoa. Germany loved to snuggle like this but refused to let anybody know that, and he’d made Italy pinky-swear to keep it a secret. “They’re down the hall, and we can hear them. That’s just absurd.”
“America has quite the set of lungs,” Italy commented from where he was using Germany’s chest as a pillow. “He also swears a lot! I guess he gets it from England, considering England swears a lot too.”
“Do you need me to get your ear plugs out?” he asked, and Italy shook his head, falling asleep peacefully. Germany permitted himself a smile, just this once. Sure Italy lost a lot, but he was awfully cute.
Meanwhile, Canada covered his head with a pillow. “Why?” he demanded, “Why don’t they ever consider me when they do this? It’s my ex-foster father older brother figure having sex with my twin brother! It’s just so wrong! I don’t care they’re together but I don’t want to hear them!”
France shook his head with a little smirk, not that Canada could see it. “They’re doing it to show up Germany and Italy, I’m certain of it. You know them. Any chance to upstage someone else, they take it.”
“Stop looking at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“I can feel you. You’re giving me that ‘we should upstage them’ smirk.”
“I’m offended that you would accuse me of such a thing.”
“But you’re still doing it.”
“Maybe. Want to?”
Apparently England then did something America really enjoyed, because he started screaming pleased obscenities. Canada removed the pillow from his head and he gave his lover a determined look. “Let’s show them up.”
“I knew I loved you for a reason,” France gushed.
It was a little hard to hear over the bed creaking and the fact that America was freely embracing the order to be loud, but England swore he could hear French.
“Oh, fuck no,” he growled.
“Oh fuck yes,” America moaned.
“It wasn’t supposed to be them!” England reached over and hit the wall separating them from France’s bathroom. “Knock it off, you’re not our rivals!”
The answer was a laughing French refusal.
“Oh, it’s on now,” England snarled.
“Yes please,” America added, a little put out that he wasn’t getting attention.
[Part 14] World War Uke (5/?)
anonymous
April 25 2011, 17:17:52 UTC
Italy woke up from his wonderfully soothing nap hours later, yawning and checking the clock. It was still before sunrise! He never woke up this early, even when Germany poked him to get to training. Germany was still asleep, in fact, and even had earplugs in. Italy practically trembled with excitement - this was clearly God’s way of telling him to get up to start the search for The Atmosphere!
He stealthily slipped out of bed, dressed himself and snuck out of the room, tip-toeing down the hall. He broke into America and England’s room. America was eagle-spread on the bed with England draped on his side. They were naked, but Italy was used to nudity - he was European. “Hey, hey America!” He poked the sleeping Nation in the arm.
“Mrph,” said America.
Italy frowned, poking harder. “America! Pssst, America! Wake up!”
“Murphle,” he replied, rolling onto his side facing Italy, dislodging England. The latter looked upset, but didn’t wake up.
“Americaaaaa, I want to get going! We have an adventure to do!”
“Shhhh! We should get back to looking for The Atmosphere now!”
America grinned, leaping from bed and dressing himself. It said a lot that England didn’t even stir. “Let’s go!”
Italy smiled. Really, America was just so helpful!
“We assuredly did win, you stupid frog,” England muttered in sleep, curling up with his pillow.
Xxx
Paris at night was dark, obviously, but nothing America couldn’t defend them from. As the Hero, he considered himself Italy’s bodyguard, which was probably better than assuming Italy could defend himself from anything. “So, any idea where we’re goin’?” he asked.
“Not at all,” Italy chirped. America wanted to pinch his cheeks. “Oh! Ciao, bella,” he purred, sliding up to a woman dressed in very odd clothing.
“I charge 20 euros for mouth, 50 for the real stuff, and you need a condom,” she replied, sounding very bored.
America gasped. Prostitution was illegal, except for Nevada! And - he gasped again. She was clearly high on something!
“War on Drugs!” he proclaimed loudly, running forward and punching the prostitute in the face.
Italy, surprised, screamed and hid further down the block. He screamed louder when the woman burst into flames and morphed into a hideous beast from Hell.
“OH SHIT SHE’S A DEMON!” America shouted, and even he took a few steps back.
“I WILL FEED UPON THY SOUL, MORTAL, FOR DARING TO HARM ME,” the creature hissed threateningly.
America was fully prepared to defend himself when a vial of water flew from Italy’s direction, smashing onto the head of the demon. “Exorcizo te, omnis spiritus immunde!” he cried.
America's jaw dropped when the creature exploded outwards and faded from the block. “Dude! That was totally badass! You totally killed that demon! What did you just do?”
Italy smiled cherubically. “Oh, look America, there’s a note!”
America picked it up, looking it over. “There’s a cult in Paris’ sewers, dedicated to evil,” he said, awed. “Hey, does that mean France has demons in his underpants? That would explain so much!”
[Part 14] World War Uke (7/?)
anonymous
April 25 2011, 17:19:01 UTC
Above is Part 6. I iz dum.
By the time the others realized they were gone and managed to find them, America and Italy had wiped out the entire cult and purified the area.
“I don’t even want to know,” Canada muttered. France had to agree.
Germany had no words. This just wasn’t fair. Why could Italy fight demons but not England during World War II? Really?
“Good job, America!” England said proudly, patting America on the head. “You’ve done a great job here protecting the innocent from evil.”
“All in a day’s work,” America replied proudly.
“Excuse me, but I think it’s very obvious that Italy did most of the work!” Germany protested.
“How do you figure?” England demanded.
“He’s Catholic!”
“That explains nothing!”
“Hey look, I found a book!” Italy held up a massive grimoire that was larger than his torso and glowing malevolently. “Oh, but it’s not The Atmosphere.” He put it back.
“Are you insane!” England snapped. “Look at it - it’s clearly an ancient magical text that would give you great strength and powers! You don’t just put that sort of thing back because it’s not the book you’re looking for, especially since the book you’re looking for doesn’t-”
“Oh look, you found my book!” Russia picked it up and hugged it to his chest. “Thank you, I have been looking for this everywhere.”
Re: [Part 14] World War Uke (7/?)
anonymous
April 26 2011, 00:42:50 UTC
*squeals at update* *skips sex scenes because this anon is a prude OTL* *continues reading* ... BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOLWUT?! America and Italy WIN AT LIFE! First they manage to escape a slave trader, then they exorcise the sewers of Paris? THEY'RE SO AWESOME, IT'S MAKING ME CRY!!! :'D Good lord, if they ever found the atmosphere, the Earth would break from the level of competence radiating from the two.
Author!anon, this is one of the best fills I've ever read. It's so funny! I can't even quote my favorite parts without copy and pasting the whole thing! *showers with love and affection* ♥♥♥♥♥
“Hey, does that mean France has demons in his underpants? That would explain so much!”
anonymous
April 26 2011, 05:02:20 UTC
asdfghjfl;gdhfgb,n
aksljdhgf;lg lolololololol This is OP by the way
just
that whole bit was magic<333 omg I love that Italy showed some Vatican prowess or whateveritsecalledderp And you gave me my bonus of loud sex contest hahahaha<3 marrymek. ilu.
Re: [Part 14] World War Uke (7/?)
anonymous
April 26 2011, 07:39:40 UTC
Oh my freaking god, this is so adorable. xDD Italy and America, you keep on being badass, you lovable idiots.
And why do I suspect that that ISN'T Russia's grimoire, and he's just taking the opportunity. to pick up some fun looking magic? Well, he's a big guy - he can do what he wants. xD
[Part 14] World War Uke (8/?)
anonymous
April 27 2011, 12:19:58 UTC
Thanks for not giving up on me xD;; I swear it gets a little more... uh... normal again here.
xxxxxxxxx
“I’ve thought of the next contest,” England said proudly, hand on America’s shoulder. They were all back from the latest failed attempt of America and Italy to find The Atmosphere, and Italy was looking terribly forlorn about it.
“But first,” said France warily, as a sad Italy was very depressing, “maybe we should give Italy a point for, ah, clearing out the evil underground of Paris? And that is something I never thought I would ever say.”
“Heeey, I helped.” America pouted.
Italy perked up considerably at France’s offer. “Ooo, America gets a point for winning the eating contest, and I get a point for exorcism, and so we’re still tied! What a wonderful idea, Big Brother France!”
France winked at him. Canada merely sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.
England cleared his throat loudly. “As I was saying, the next event should be arm-wrestling.”
It was America’s turn to perk up.
“How stupid do you think we are!” Germany demanded. “There’s no way-”
“I want to do it!” Italy exclaimed.
Germany’s rant died before it even got started.
“How does that prove who’s a better boyfriend?” Canada asked in the tone of someone who knows full well that they might as well just keep their mouth shut. He also silently considered the fact that absolutely none of this, including the challenge that he himself suggested, proved anything at all, but really, it was just easier to not mention that.
“Shut up, Canada.”
“What’s arm wrestling?” Italy asked happily.
France gave a long-suffering sigh. Canada gave a little smile and a shake of his head. Germany wondered why he was surprised and let his head hit the desk. “It’s too late!” England proclaimed, pointing at Italy dramatically. “You’ve accepted the second challenge! America! Show Italy how a good boyfriend arm wrestles!”
America, complete with his Challenge Smirk™ on his face, put his elbow on the table. He flexed his hand. “Bring it on, little guy. You start off like this.”
Italy, smiling, mimicked him.
Less than five seconds later America had slammed Italy’s hand down on the table. Italy began to cry, cradling the injured hand to his chest while wailing in Italian that no one could understand because it was so fast and tear-muffled.
“It doesn’t count!” Germany proclaimed with as much authority in his voice as he could muster, rising to his boyfriend’s defense.
“If you want that to be true, you have to beat me too.” America grinned. So did England, although his was far more smug.
Germany regarded him evenly. “You win.”
SCORE: AMERICA 2, ITALY 1
“But I now decree that the next challenge is painting!”
England’s face fell.
Xxx
America and Italy had been locked in a room with paints and a blank canvas while the others sat outside.
“Italy doesn’t hop from war to war like a twisted Easter bunny!”
“America doesn’t retreat or surrender every time someone sneezes!”
“Italy can cook and clean!”
“America can be incredibly romantic!”
“So can Italy!”
“Ha! Like I believe he even knows what romance is!”
“Italy is way nicer than America!”
“America is way buffer!”
“Do you want to just go?” Canada asked France.
“Oh merci,,” France gushed, dragging him out.
“Italy’s delicate figure is endearing!”
“So is the fact that America is basically a giant teddy bear!”
Xxx
Italy’s painting was a “Madonna and Child” framed by a choir of angels. America drew Superman versus Batman, allegedly.
[Part 14] World War Uke (9/?)
anonymous
April 27 2011, 12:21:56 UTC
“America America it’s midday let’s go find food and then continue our search!” Italy exclaimed, taking America’s arm and dragging him away from England.
America laughed, going with him (much to England’s chagrin). “Dude you are so hardcore it’s awesome! Where are we goin’?”
“Try a library!” England called after him before sighing and going to find Germany so they could track them. Last thing they needed was another demonic cult.
“Is alibrary French for McDonald’s?” America asked.
Italy made a face. “I hope not! McDonald’s is disgusting!”
America gasped and stopped walked, affronted. “You don’t like McDonald’s? I… I don’t think we can be friends anymore.”
“We can,” Italy assured, taking his hand and dragging him along.
Xxx
“HELLO, I AM HERE TO FIND A BOOK,” America carefully enunciated to a terrified librarian, “IT IS CALLED THE ATMOSPHERE. DO YOU HAVE IT?”
The poor older woman stuttered something back in French.
“WHAT?”
She said it again.
“HUH? CAN YOU PLEASE SPEAK AMERICAN?”
“I think she said something about a dragon,” Italy translated with his admittedly subpar French skills*. Then he realized what he said and screamed in terror. “A dragon!!!”
America’s eyes were shining. “How cool! Let’s go slay the dragon and find the book!”
“But I’m scared!”
“Why? You’re with me! I’m the Hero, you’re my sidekick, remember? Heroes don't let sidekicks die! Most of the time...”
Italy tugged on his sleeve, a pleading expression on his face. “But I’m still scared! Can we go get Germany and our other friends to help us, pleeeeaaaase?”
“Awwwwwwww, okay…”
* Really, really subpar French skills.
Xxx
“A what.” England’s voice and expression were flat and disbelieving.
“According to the nice French librarian, The Atmosphere is protected by a dragon,” America repeated cheerfully.
“I can’t believe neither of you speak French. I’ve failed as a big brother,” France mourned. Canada patted him on the head.
“Come with us! I’m scared! I don’t want to be eaten by a dragon!” Italy grabbed Germany’s hand and held it tightly.
Germany sighed, unable to resist as always. “All right, but there isn’t actually a dragon, I hope you know.”
Re: [Part 14] World War Uke (9/?)
anonymous
April 28 2011, 00:26:49 UTC
Another update!!! *dances with joy*
Tied again, I see. America and Italy are equally matched...or are they? Yes, they are, but England and Germany will never hear any of that lol
“I can’t believe neither of you speak French. I’ve failed as a big brother.” D'aww, poor France. Don't worry, at least what's-his-face remembers his french lessons. XD
Can't wait for more, anon! And will there be an actual dragon in the future? X'D
[Part 14] World War Uke (10/??)
anonymous
May 5 2011, 20:19:58 UTC
"All right gang! We're a party of six, which is totally old-school, but it's awesome too so we're gonna work with it! I'm the Hero, which makes me the paladin I guess, or maybe the fighter - nyah, paladin sounds more badass, and anyway my Charisma score's through the roof, so I'm the paladin. England, you're definitely the team's mage, because you're all about black magic and stuff like that. Uh, Germany I guess is the other fighter, 'cause our team needs more than one, because any team needs more than one. Italy, we'll go with cleric for you, 'cause you totally pwned those demons, and that's what clerics do, plus heal stuff. France, you can be our bard because you're frilly, talk a lot, and are pretty useless."
"What about me?"
"Huh?"
"Me, America. You forgot me."
"Oh, right. Uh, any chance you can be a dual-class, like fighter-cleric or cleric-mage? I'd say thief because any good team needs a rogue, but they're kinda useless for boss fights."
"(Sigh) I'm a ranger or a mage, obviously. I've got an animal companion, or a familiar if you want to look at him like that."
“Who're you?” the bear asked.
"Ohhhh yeeeaaaah! Awesome! Well, I think we'll go with ranger, 'cause we need more front-line fighters."
"But what if I use a bow?"
England was pinching the bridge of his nose. "Canada, stop antagonizing your brother."
"I'm not! It's a legitimate question! If I use bows, I won't be on the front lines."
"Yeah, geez England. Can you dual-wield, bro?"
"Sure. I just wanted to clarify."
"No prob. Okay, now that we've got that settled, time to plan! So first I will approach the dragon and placate him with my charisma. Italy and England, you two start lowering his magic resistance. This'll turn him hostile so we gotta be careful, but then Germany, Canada and I will rush forward to attack him! France, you'll stand away from everyone to sing and distract the dragon. Your singing will spur us on, as will your noble sacrifice when the dragon eats you first. Once his magic resistance is as low as we can get, Italy and England can start flinging spells - no fire spells, don't forget, and avoid area of effect spells 'cause if we all die that would suck! But Italy, you also have to heal us, so don't go crazy with the offensive stuff. Any questions?"
Germany looked to England. "Italy gets a point for this."
England merely sighed. "Yes, he does."
SCORE: AMERICA 2, ITALY 3
America ignored them, looking at Italy, who was hiding behind Germany. "Hey, uh, Canada, can you be a cleric instead?"
"Uh, a cleric-mage, yeah. Why?"
"Good, 'cause I think our party of six is actually a party of five..." America pointed to Italy, who had now started to stitch together a white flag.
France raised his hand. "I can be the cleric, if it means I get to be a different role than 'dragon bait.'"
"Revised plan! Canada will magically support England and... Italy. Yep."
"There is no dragon!" Germany declared. "You had a translation error! Dragons do not exist!"
"They prefer caves, at any rate," England murmured.
"What?"
"Nothing."
The outskirts of Paris were devoid of life, riddled with rocks and overlooked by a shadowed cliff. "This was never here before," France said warily, not liking where this was going. "Seriously, why do these things keep showing up in my country? I'm kicking you all out after this."
"There's nothing here!" Germany insisted, sounding frustrated that no one, including Reality, was listening to his sanity. “It was - it was a translation error! There’s nothing here!”
A loud roar echoed through the area, and a massive shape moved atop the cliff.
“Get out your weapons, everyone!” America called, pulling out a baseball bat. Canada held Kumajiro to his chest. England drew out a tome of great and powerful black magic that sadly wasn’t as good as the one Russia had taken, but he’d do his best. Germany, ever the pragmatist, pulled out a gun. France and Italy both screamed and ran.
[Part 14] World War Uke (11/12)
anonymous
May 5 2011, 20:25:08 UTC
“Wow, that battle sure was intense,” Italy said, bandaging wounds. America had fared the worst, considering he was the only one actually up close against the dragon; everyone had some burns, but he had bite wounds. In contrast, the dragon had been slayed with a baseball bat, so he wasn’t complaining too much. “You were all very impressive!”
“Shut up, Italy,” Canada growled. He was ignored.
“I’ll always be ready to fight for truth, justice, and the American way,” America chirped, happy. “Although England, that was totally badass how you summoned that demon to fight the dragon, like King Kong versus Godzilla or something.”
“I know,” England replied smugly. “Canada, very nice show out there, especially managing to keep your brother from being charbroiled.”
“Thanks,” Canada replied sweetly, “And Germany, I had no idea your aim was that good! Especially how you debilitated the dragon by shooting its wings.”
“Danke. And France and Italy were useless.”
France, who’d hid, was starting to regret hiding his face at least; it sounded like a very climactic, intricate battle full of heroics and valiant sacrifices. If only he’d watched…
“So America gets another point?” England asked Germany. The latter nation nodded.
SCORE: AMERICA 3, ITALY 3
“Awesome!” America exclaimed.
Meanwhile Italy had gotten distracted and run off to check through the dragon’s horde. It was a vast collection of magical artifacts and trinkets of incredible wealth, all of which Italy didn’t care about. His companions, following him, began to collect anything they deemed useful. “There’s no books,” he whined, growing visibly depressed. “If the dragon didn’t have The Atmosphere, then who will? I’m starting to think the book doesn’t exist!”
“It took you long enough,” England muttered, looking over an amulet.
“Awwww, don’t worry little guy! We’ll find it eventually,” America cooed softly, petting Italy’s hair.
France stood in front of the two of them, looking as imperious as he could. “You may yet find it, but you will find it in another country. Get out.”
xxx
After agreeing that it wasn’t fair to go to any of their own respective nations, our heroes made the trek to Austria. Upon arriving, Italy gave Austria a hug, ran around until he found Hungary and gave her a hug, and then dragged America to give him a tour.
“So you’re competing to see who’s the better significant other?” Austria questioned, sipping the vintage wine he only indulged in when he had guests. “To me, that seems like arguing about who is more unstable, Belarus or Russia; they’re both sociopathic, so what’s the point of getting into the details? In this case, both America and Italy are men-children with attention-deficit hyperactive disorder who are slovenly and incompetent.”
Despite having said similar things about their respective partners in the past, both Germany and England looked affronted at Austria’s diagnosis. “Just answer the question, Sigmund,” England said bitterly.
Austria hummed thoughtfully. “Well, where are they now?”
“Raiding your library, most likely,” Germany admitted. “They’ve decided to find a book called The Atmosphere, because… well… ja.”
Austria facepalmed, albeit in a refined way. “Really. Well, rather than give you my opinion on the two young men in question, perhaps a better way to solve this would be to give them a very unbiased standardized intelligence quotient test.”
Germany looked horrified. “You want to give them an IQ test? They might make it explode!”
“That’s better than getting your opinion, anyway,” England interjected thoughtfully, “Come to think of it, you helped raise Italy, didn’t you? Of course you’d be biased in his favor-”
“Actually I would have finally decided that America was preferable to Italy, but the point still stands, I am biased,” Austria admitted airily.
Germany looked as if he had been slapped in the face. “You would have voted for America?”
Austria shrugged. “Italy was a very, very poor servant.”
“So what does that say about you and your standards for your spouses?”
[Part 14] World War Uke (12/12)
anonymous
May 5 2011, 20:33:05 UTC
Hours later, Austria collected the intelligence tests to score them.
“Dang, that took foreeeever,” America whined, rubbing his temples. “And I hope Austria appreciates all the doodles!” England facepalmed, hard.
“Veeeeeeeeeeee, my head huuuuuuuuuurts.” Even Italy’s curl was depressed.
“Cheer up,” Germany said gruffly, thrusting a wrapped package into his hands. “I got this for you.”
“I love presents!” Italy trilled, ripping apart the wrapping paper to discover a hard cover copy of The Atmosphere. “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE GERMANY GERMANY YOU FOUND IT YOU FOUND IT!” He glomped him. “YOU’RE SO AMAZING AND WONDERFUL AND I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU FOUND IT!”
Germany considered pointing out that he’d just gone to a bookstore and bought a book on the actual, literal atmosphere and global warming, and that Italy wouldn't be thanking him once he actually read it, but refrained. He’d just revel in the moment instead.
“Awwww,” said America. “Luckyyy. Why didn’t you get me one, England?”
England had had enough. “America. The atmosphere isn’t a book. It’s an idea. ‘Reading the atmosphere’ is being able to understand the-”
America reached out and covered England’s mouth with a finger. “I know,” he said easily. “I was just having fun. Italy’s so cute, isn’t he? I wanna take him home and squish him.”
England stared at him. “So this entire time, you’ve been… looking for nothing?”
“Yep!”
“And before that, you’ve known what the atmosphere is?”
“Yep!”
“… And you’ve refused to read it anyway?”
“Yep! Because I didn’t want to ^_^”
England pounced on him and began to strangle him with his bare hands, too incensed to speak.
When Austria came back, Germany and Italy were making out while England was attempting to murder America. He waved the results of the tests, causing pauses in both activities. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but they have exactly equal IQs.”
“And?” England demanded angrily. “What’s the score! Out with it!”
“... … … 170.”
“What?”
“170! They both scored 170! 140 is considered genius!” Austria was incredibly disappointed, considering his own IQ score was nowhere near that. "There was no foul play, no mistakes!"
Germany and England had the exact same expression of profound disbelief on their faces.
“That’s good, isn't it?” Italy asked.
Germany and England looked at each other. “Do you want to just quit?” Germany asked. England nodded. “Me too.” The two walked out, horrified and vowing to never speak of this again.
America beamed. “So, did I win? We’re competing, right?”
xxx
The end! Thanks to everyone for following along. I realized as I was posting that I had intended on including the bonus about America/Italy, but forgot -_-; I think it's because I think GerIta is adorable but have a very hard time imagining Italy having sex with anyone xD
Re: [Part 14] World War Uke (12/12)
anonymous
May 5 2011, 23:25:10 UTC
Oh my god, I love you forever. First of all, you actually included a real dragon. SQUEE!♥ Second, France's reaction XD Third, America totally admitting his voluntary ignorance of the atmosphere. *High fives her country* And finally, that IQ test. I KNEW IT ALL ALONG!!! *maniacal laughter*
America finished off his second plate easily and drank his milkshake, humming. England looked at him while plotting the next round of events.
“I think I’m going to be sick,” Canada moaned. France merely nodded in agreement.
Xxx
That night they settled into France’s (“Vastly inferior,” England sniffed) house rather than get a hotel room. America wasn’t hungry anymore; he certainly wasn’t full anymore either, but he had a feeling that England’s kindness would run out sooner or later and he should probably be happy with the fact he’d finally gotten to drink a milkshake with dinner. “So, uh, rough day, huh?”
England paused in the middle of undressing. “Was it really only this morning that you ran off?”
“It doesn’t seem like it, but it was.” America yawned and stretched out. “Craziness.” He then noticed the new look on England’s face, like a very hungry wolf looking at a delicious lamb dinner. “Uh…”
England smirked, and it was hardly a comforting one. “America, you and I are going to have sex. It’s going to be the hottest sex you’ve ever had, and you’re going to be so loud the entire house shakes! Everyone here will be jealous of our hot carnal liaisons.”
America blinked, then grinned, deciding to ignore the warning the smirk was giving him. “Sounds good to me!”
It was for the best for America that he ignored that smirk, considering it wasn’t him that England was “warning.”
“They can’t be serious,” Germany muttered from the bed where he and Italy were cuddling. They were both wearing fluffy bathrobes and sipping hot cocoa. Germany loved to snuggle like this but refused to let anybody know that, and he’d made Italy pinky-swear to keep it a secret. “They’re down the hall, and we can hear them. That’s just absurd.”
“America has quite the set of lungs,” Italy commented from where he was using Germany’s chest as a pillow. “He also swears a lot! I guess he gets it from England, considering England swears a lot too.”
“Do you need me to get your ear plugs out?” he asked, and Italy shook his head, falling asleep peacefully. Germany permitted himself a smile, just this once. Sure Italy lost a lot, but he was awfully cute.
Meanwhile, Canada covered his head with a pillow. “Why?” he demanded, “Why don’t they ever consider me when they do this? It’s my ex-foster father older brother figure having sex with my twin brother! It’s just so wrong! I don’t care they’re together but I don’t want to hear them!”
France shook his head with a little smirk, not that Canada could see it. “They’re doing it to show up Germany and Italy, I’m certain of it. You know them. Any chance to upstage someone else, they take it.”
“Stop looking at me like that.”
“Like what?”
“I can feel you. You’re giving me that ‘we should upstage them’ smirk.”
“I’m offended that you would accuse me of such a thing.”
“But you’re still doing it.”
“Maybe. Want to?”
Apparently England then did something America really enjoyed, because he started screaming pleased obscenities. Canada removed the pillow from his head and he gave his lover a determined look. “Let’s show them up.”
“I knew I loved you for a reason,” France gushed.
It was a little hard to hear over the bed creaking and the fact that America was freely embracing the order to be loud, but England swore he could hear French.
“Oh, fuck no,” he growled.
“Oh fuck yes,” America moaned.
“It wasn’t supposed to be them!” England reached over and hit the wall separating them from France’s bathroom. “Knock it off, you’re not our rivals!”
The answer was a laughing French refusal.
“Oh, it’s on now,” England snarled.
“Yes please,” America added, a little put out that he wasn’t getting attention.
Xxx
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He stealthily slipped out of bed, dressed himself and snuck out of the room, tip-toeing down the hall. He broke into America and England’s room. America was eagle-spread on the bed with England draped on his side. They were naked, but Italy was used to nudity - he was European. “Hey, hey America!” He poked the sleeping Nation in the arm.
“Mrph,” said America.
Italy frowned, poking harder. “America! Pssst, America! Wake up!”
“Murphle,” he replied, rolling onto his side facing Italy, dislodging England. The latter looked upset, but didn’t wake up.
“Americaaaaa, I want to get going! We have an adventure to do!”
America’s eyes popped open. “Adventure? Oh, hey dude!”
“Shhhh! We should get back to looking for The Atmosphere now!”
America grinned, leaping from bed and dressing himself. It said a lot that England didn’t even stir. “Let’s go!”
Italy smiled. Really, America was just so helpful!
“We assuredly did win, you stupid frog,” England muttered in sleep, curling up with his pillow.
Xxx
Paris at night was dark, obviously, but nothing America couldn’t defend them from. As the Hero, he considered himself Italy’s bodyguard, which was probably better than assuming Italy could defend himself from anything. “So, any idea where we’re goin’?” he asked.
“Not at all,” Italy chirped. America wanted to pinch his cheeks. “Oh! Ciao, bella,” he purred, sliding up to a woman dressed in very odd clothing.
“I charge 20 euros for mouth, 50 for the real stuff, and you need a condom,” she replied, sounding very bored.
America gasped. Prostitution was illegal, except for Nevada! And - he gasped again. She was clearly high on something!
“War on Drugs!” he proclaimed loudly, running forward and punching the prostitute in the face.
Italy, surprised, screamed and hid further down the block. He screamed louder when the woman burst into flames and morphed into a hideous beast from Hell.
“OH SHIT SHE’S A DEMON!” America shouted, and even he took a few steps back.
“I WILL FEED UPON THY SOUL, MORTAL, FOR DARING TO HARM ME,” the creature hissed threateningly.
America was fully prepared to defend himself when a vial of water flew from Italy’s direction, smashing onto the head of the demon. “Exorcizo te, omnis spiritus immunde!” he cried.
America's jaw dropped when the creature exploded outwards and faded from the block. “Dude! That was totally badass! You totally killed that demon! What did you just do?”
Italy smiled cherubically. “Oh, look America, there’s a note!”
America picked it up, looking it over. “There’s a cult in Paris’ sewers, dedicated to evil,” he said, awed. “Hey, does that mean France has demons in his underpants? That would explain so much!”
Xxx
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By the time the others realized they were gone and managed to find them, America and Italy had wiped out the entire cult and purified the area.
“I don’t even want to know,” Canada muttered. France had to agree.
Germany had no words. This just wasn’t fair. Why could Italy fight demons but not England during World War II? Really?
“Good job, America!” England said proudly, patting America on the head. “You’ve done a great job here protecting the innocent from evil.”
“All in a day’s work,” America replied proudly.
“Excuse me, but I think it’s very obvious that Italy did most of the work!” Germany protested.
“How do you figure?” England demanded.
“He’s Catholic!”
“That explains nothing!”
“Hey look, I found a book!” Italy held up a massive grimoire that was larger than his torso and glowing malevolently. “Oh, but it’s not The Atmosphere.” He put it back.
“Are you insane!” England snapped. “Look at it - it’s clearly an ancient magical text that would give you great strength and powers! You don’t just put that sort of thing back because it’s not the book you’re looking for, especially since the book you’re looking for doesn’t-”
“Oh look, you found my book!” Russia picked it up and hugged it to his chest. “Thank you, I have been looking for this everywhere.”
No one had a good response to that.
TBCsmall>
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*skips sex scenes because this anon is a prude OTL*
*continues reading*
...
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA LOLWUT?!
America and Italy WIN AT LIFE! First they manage to escape a slave trader, then they exorcise the sewers of Paris? THEY'RE SO AWESOME, IT'S MAKING ME CRY!!! :'D
Good lord, if they ever found the atmosphere, the Earth would break from the level of competence radiating from the two.
Author!anon, this is one of the best fills I've ever read. It's so funny! I can't even quote my favorite parts without copy and pasting the whole thing! *showers with love and affection* ♥♥♥♥♥
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aksljdhgf;lg lolololololol This is OP by the way
just
that whole bit was magic<333 omg I love that Italy showed some Vatican prowess or whateveritsecalledderp
And you gave me my bonus of loud sex contest hahahaha<3 marrymek. ilu.
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And why do I suspect that that ISN'T Russia's grimoire, and he's just taking the opportunity. to pick up some fun looking magic? Well, he's a big guy - he can do what he wants. xD
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xxxxxxxxx
“I’ve thought of the next contest,” England said proudly, hand on America’s shoulder. They were all back from the latest failed attempt of America and Italy to find The Atmosphere, and Italy was looking terribly forlorn about it.
“But first,” said France warily, as a sad Italy was very depressing, “maybe we should give Italy a point for, ah, clearing out the evil underground of Paris? And that is something I never thought I would ever say.”
“Heeey, I helped.” America pouted.
Italy perked up considerably at France’s offer. “Ooo, America gets a point for winning the eating contest, and I get a point for exorcism, and so we’re still tied! What a wonderful idea, Big Brother France!”
France winked at him. Canada merely sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.
England cleared his throat loudly. “As I was saying, the next event should be arm-wrestling.”
It was America’s turn to perk up.
“How stupid do you think we are!” Germany demanded. “There’s no way-”
“I want to do it!” Italy exclaimed.
Germany’s rant died before it even got started.
“How does that prove who’s a better boyfriend?” Canada asked in the tone of someone who knows full well that they might as well just keep their mouth shut. He also silently considered the fact that absolutely none of this, including the challenge that he himself suggested, proved anything at all, but really, it was just easier to not mention that.
“Shut up, Canada.”
“What’s arm wrestling?” Italy asked happily.
France gave a long-suffering sigh. Canada gave a little smile and a shake of his head. Germany wondered why he was surprised and let his head hit the desk. “It’s too late!” England proclaimed, pointing at Italy dramatically. “You’ve accepted the second challenge! America! Show Italy how a good boyfriend arm wrestles!”
America, complete with his Challenge Smirk™ on his face, put his elbow on the table. He flexed his hand. “Bring it on, little guy. You start off like this.”
Italy, smiling, mimicked him.
Less than five seconds later America had slammed Italy’s hand down on the table. Italy began to cry, cradling the injured hand to his chest while wailing in Italian that no one could understand because it was so fast and tear-muffled.
“It doesn’t count!” Germany proclaimed with as much authority in his voice as he could muster, rising to his boyfriend’s defense.
“If you want that to be true, you have to beat me too.” America grinned. So did England, although his was far more smug.
Germany regarded him evenly. “You win.”
SCORE: AMERICA 2, ITALY 1
“But I now decree that the next challenge is painting!”
England’s face fell.
Xxx
America and Italy had been locked in a room with paints and a blank canvas while the others sat outside.
“Italy doesn’t hop from war to war like a twisted Easter bunny!”
“America doesn’t retreat or surrender every time someone sneezes!”
“Italy can cook and clean!”
“America can be incredibly romantic!”
“So can Italy!”
“Ha! Like I believe he even knows what romance is!”
“Italy is way nicer than America!”
“America is way buffer!”
“Do you want to just go?” Canada asked France.
“Oh merci,,” France gushed, dragging him out.
“Italy’s delicate figure is endearing!”
“So is the fact that America is basically a giant teddy bear!”
Xxx
Italy’s painting was a “Madonna and Child” framed by a choir of angels. America drew Superman versus Batman, allegedly.
SCORE: AMERICA 2, ITALY 2
“Hey, why’d I lose!”
Xxx
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America laughed, going with him (much to England’s chagrin). “Dude you are so hardcore it’s awesome! Where are we goin’?”
“Try a library!” England called after him before sighing and going to find Germany so they could track them. Last thing they needed was another demonic cult.
“Is alibrary French for McDonald’s?” America asked.
Italy made a face. “I hope not! McDonald’s is disgusting!”
America gasped and stopped walked, affronted. “You don’t like McDonald’s? I… I don’t think we can be friends anymore.”
“We can,” Italy assured, taking his hand and dragging him along.
Xxx
“HELLO, I AM HERE TO FIND A BOOK,” America carefully enunciated to a terrified librarian, “IT IS CALLED THE ATMOSPHERE. DO YOU HAVE IT?”
The poor older woman stuttered something back in French.
“WHAT?”
She said it again.
“HUH? CAN YOU PLEASE SPEAK AMERICAN?”
“I think she said something about a dragon,” Italy translated with his admittedly subpar French skills*. Then he realized what he said and screamed in terror. “A dragon!!!”
America’s eyes were shining. “How cool! Let’s go slay the dragon and find the book!”
“But I’m scared!”
“Why? You’re with me! I’m the Hero, you’re my sidekick, remember? Heroes don't let sidekicks die! Most of the time...”
Italy tugged on his sleeve, a pleading expression on his face. “But I’m still scared! Can we go get Germany and our other friends to help us, pleeeeaaaase?”
“Awwwwwwww, okay…”
* Really, really subpar French skills.
Xxx
“A what.” England’s voice and expression were flat and disbelieving.
“According to the nice French librarian, The Atmosphere is protected by a dragon,” America repeated cheerfully.
“I can’t believe neither of you speak French. I’ve failed as a big brother,” France mourned. Canada patted him on the head.
“Come with us! I’m scared! I don’t want to be eaten by a dragon!” Italy grabbed Germany’s hand and held it tightly.
Germany sighed, unable to resist as always. “All right, but there isn’t actually a dragon, I hope you know.”
“Thank you!” Italy glomped him.
“Ja ja.”
TBC!
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America x Italy ... I wouldn't mind more fills with this pairing! :D
I love everyone here, but your America has the best lines XD
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Tied again, I see. America and Italy are equally matched...or are they?
Yes, they are, but England and Germany will never hear any of that lol
“I can’t believe neither of you speak French. I’ve failed as a big brother.” D'aww, poor France. Don't worry, at least what's-his-face remembers his french lessons. XD
Can't wait for more, anon!
And will there be an actual dragon in the future? X'D
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"What about me?"
"Huh?"
"Me, America. You forgot me."
"Oh, right. Uh, any chance you can be a dual-class, like fighter-cleric or cleric-mage? I'd say thief because any good team needs a rogue, but they're kinda useless for boss fights."
"(Sigh) I'm a ranger or a mage, obviously. I've got an animal companion, or a familiar if you want to look at him like that."
“Who're you?” the bear asked.
"Ohhhh yeeeaaaah! Awesome! Well, I think we'll go with ranger, 'cause we need more front-line fighters."
"But what if I use a bow?"
England was pinching the bridge of his nose. "Canada, stop antagonizing your brother."
"I'm not! It's a legitimate question! If I use bows, I won't be on the front lines."
"Yeah, geez England. Can you dual-wield, bro?"
"Sure. I just wanted to clarify."
"No prob. Okay, now that we've got that settled, time to plan! So first I will approach the dragon and placate him with my charisma. Italy and England, you two start lowering his magic resistance. This'll turn him hostile so we gotta be careful, but then Germany, Canada and I will rush forward to attack him! France, you'll stand away from everyone to sing and distract the dragon. Your singing will spur us on, as will your noble sacrifice when the dragon eats you first. Once his magic resistance is as low as we can get, Italy and England can start flinging spells - no fire spells, don't forget, and avoid area of effect spells 'cause if we all die that would suck! But Italy, you also have to heal us, so don't go crazy with the offensive stuff. Any questions?"
Germany looked to England. "Italy gets a point for this."
England merely sighed. "Yes, he does."
SCORE: AMERICA 2, ITALY 3
America ignored them, looking at Italy, who was hiding behind Germany. "Hey, uh, Canada, can you be a cleric instead?"
"Uh, a cleric-mage, yeah. Why?"
"Good, 'cause I think our party of six is actually a party of five..." America pointed to Italy, who had now started to stitch together a white flag.
France raised his hand. "I can be the cleric, if it means I get to be a different role than 'dragon bait.'"
"Revised plan! Canada will magically support England and... Italy. Yep."
"There is no dragon!" Germany declared. "You had a translation error! Dragons do not exist!"
"They prefer caves, at any rate," England murmured.
"What?"
"Nothing."
The outskirts of Paris were devoid of life, riddled with rocks and overlooked by a shadowed cliff. "This was never here before," France said warily, not liking where this was going. "Seriously, why do these things keep showing up in my country? I'm kicking you all out after this."
"There's nothing here!" Germany insisted, sounding frustrated that no one, including Reality, was listening to his sanity. “It was - it was a translation error! There’s nothing here!”
A loud roar echoed through the area, and a massive shape moved atop the cliff.
“Get out your weapons, everyone!” America called, pulling out a baseball bat. Canada held Kumajiro to his chest. England drew out a tome of great and powerful black magic that sadly wasn’t as good as the one Russia had taken, but he’d do his best. Germany, ever the pragmatist, pulled out a gun. France and Italy both screamed and ran.
”FOR FREEDOM!” America cried, racing forward.
Xxx
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“Shut up, Italy,” Canada growled. He was ignored.
“I’ll always be ready to fight for truth, justice, and the American way,” America chirped, happy. “Although England, that was totally badass how you summoned that demon to fight the dragon, like King Kong versus Godzilla or something.”
“I know,” England replied smugly. “Canada, very nice show out there, especially managing to keep your brother from being charbroiled.”
“Thanks,” Canada replied sweetly, “And Germany, I had no idea your aim was that good! Especially how you debilitated the dragon by shooting its wings.”
“Danke. And France and Italy were useless.”
France, who’d hid, was starting to regret hiding his face at least; it sounded like a very climactic, intricate battle full of heroics and valiant sacrifices. If only he’d watched…
“So America gets another point?” England asked Germany. The latter nation nodded.
SCORE: AMERICA 3, ITALY 3
“Awesome!” America exclaimed.
Meanwhile Italy had gotten distracted and run off to check through the dragon’s horde. It was a vast collection of magical artifacts and trinkets of incredible wealth, all of which Italy didn’t care about. His companions, following him, began to collect anything they deemed useful. “There’s no books,” he whined, growing visibly depressed. “If the dragon didn’t have The Atmosphere, then who will? I’m starting to think the book doesn’t exist!”
“It took you long enough,” England muttered, looking over an amulet.
“Awwww, don’t worry little guy! We’ll find it eventually,” America cooed softly, petting Italy’s hair.
France stood in front of the two of them, looking as imperious as he could. “You may yet find it, but you will find it in another country. Get out.”
xxx
After agreeing that it wasn’t fair to go to any of their own respective nations, our heroes made the trek to Austria. Upon arriving, Italy gave Austria a hug, ran around until he found Hungary and gave her a hug, and then dragged America to give him a tour.
“So you’re competing to see who’s the better significant other?” Austria questioned, sipping the vintage wine he only indulged in when he had guests. “To me, that seems like arguing about who is more unstable, Belarus or Russia; they’re both sociopathic, so what’s the point of getting into the details? In this case, both America and Italy are men-children with attention-deficit hyperactive disorder who are slovenly and incompetent.”
Despite having said similar things about their respective partners in the past, both Germany and England looked affronted at Austria’s diagnosis. “Just answer the question, Sigmund,” England said bitterly.
Austria hummed thoughtfully. “Well, where are they now?”
“Raiding your library, most likely,” Germany admitted. “They’ve decided to find a book called The Atmosphere, because… well… ja.”
Austria facepalmed, albeit in a refined way. “Really. Well, rather than give you my opinion on the two young men in question, perhaps a better way to solve this would be to give them a very unbiased standardized intelligence quotient test.”
Germany looked horrified. “You want to give them an IQ test? They might make it explode!”
“That’s better than getting your opinion, anyway,” England interjected thoughtfully, “Come to think of it, you helped raise Italy, didn’t you? Of course you’d be biased in his favor-”
“Actually I would have finally decided that America was preferable to Italy, but the point still stands, I am biased,” Austria admitted airily.
Germany looked as if he had been slapped in the face. “You would have voted for America?”
Austria shrugged. “Italy was a very, very poor servant.”
“So what does that say about you and your standards for your spouses?”
“Regardless, I shall prepare the tests.”
xxx
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“Dang, that took foreeeever,” America whined, rubbing his temples. “And I hope Austria appreciates all the doodles!” England facepalmed, hard.
“Veeeeeeeeeeee, my head huuuuuuuuuurts.” Even Italy’s curl was depressed.
“Cheer up,” Germany said gruffly, thrusting a wrapped package into his hands. “I got this for you.”
“I love presents!” Italy trilled, ripping apart the wrapping paper to discover a hard cover copy of The Atmosphere. “EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE GERMANY GERMANY YOU FOUND IT YOU FOUND IT!” He glomped him. “YOU’RE SO AMAZING AND WONDERFUL AND I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU FOUND IT!”
Germany considered pointing out that he’d just gone to a bookstore and bought a book on the actual, literal atmosphere and global warming, and that Italy wouldn't be thanking him once he actually read it, but refrained. He’d just revel in the moment instead.
“Awwww,” said America. “Luckyyy. Why didn’t you get me one, England?”
England had had enough. “America. The atmosphere isn’t a book. It’s an idea. ‘Reading the atmosphere’ is being able to understand the-”
America reached out and covered England’s mouth with a finger. “I know,” he said easily. “I was just having fun. Italy’s so cute, isn’t he? I wanna take him home and squish him.”
England stared at him. “So this entire time, you’ve been… looking for nothing?”
“Yep!”
“And before that, you’ve known what the atmosphere is?”
“Yep!”
“… And you’ve refused to read it anyway?”
“Yep! Because I didn’t want to ^_^”
England pounced on him and began to strangle him with his bare hands, too incensed to speak.
When Austria came back, Germany and Italy were making out while England was attempting to murder America. He waved the results of the tests, causing pauses in both activities. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but they have exactly equal IQs.”
“And?” England demanded angrily. “What’s the score! Out with it!”
“... … … 170.”
“What?”
“170! They both scored 170! 140 is considered genius!” Austria was incredibly disappointed, considering his own IQ score was nowhere near that. "There was no foul play, no mistakes!"
Germany and England had the exact same expression of profound disbelief on their faces.
“That’s good, isn't it?” Italy asked.
Germany and England looked at each other. “Do you want to just quit?” Germany asked. England nodded. “Me too.” The two walked out, horrified and vowing to never speak of this again.
America beamed. “So, did I win? We’re competing, right?”
xxx
The end! Thanks to everyone for following along. I realized as I was posting that I had intended on including the bonus about America/Italy, but forgot -_-; I think it's because I think GerIta is adorable but have a very hard time imagining Italy having sex with anyone xD
I hope you all enjoyed, and thanks again <3
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First of all, you actually included a real dragon. SQUEE!♥
Second, France's reaction XD
Third, America totally admitting his voluntary ignorance of the atmosphere. *High fives her country*
And finally, that IQ test. I KNEW IT ALL ALONG!!! *maniacal laughter*
Best crack ever. B]
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Plus the entire Hetalia cast naked and at your service.
Plus my undying love.
*Worships Author!Anon forever*
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