Re: Lost Time - [11c/?]
anonymous
March 20 2011, 10:09:15 UTC
Just happy you're back, anon. :)
Overall, good chapter! I love your Kumajirou, and Columbia's habit of hiding information from Alfred is going to get him into trouble at some point, isn't it? XD
Crit in white, feel free to ignore - this is your story!: Great Britain going from denial-of-his-actions to capitulation seemed a little rushed - after two hundred years of being a bitter old man, I feel like he should either a) have had a bit of a clue bat taken to him pre-story (so less certain of his actions, though convinced of his intentions), and/or b) taken longer to agree to help Arthur (maybe he'd stall until he gets a promise to see Alfred "again," or been more surprised when the good fae reappeared to him). Not to say that he can't be a stubborn old coot, or that he wouldn't still be blind to many of the consequences of his actions, but the scene was pretty, hm, mercurial. If you decide to change it in de-anon - which is totally up to you! - it would be pretty easy to add a few more lines, space it out a bit. Since you don't like dialog, maybe add more body language, or descriptions of France grinning at Great Britain being laid out on the floor?
It looks long, but it's not a big issue. Still loving this, and can't wait for the next chapter! ♥
My copy of the game's in the mail, so I'll have to get back to you on Kurow. XD
Overall, good chapter! I love your Kumajirou, and Columbia's habit of hiding information from Alfred is going to get him into trouble at some point, isn't it? XD
Crit in white, feel free to ignore - this is your story!: Great Britain going from denial-of-his-actions to capitulation seemed a little rushed - after two hundred years of being a bitter old man, I feel like he should either a) have had a bit of a clue bat taken to him pre-story (so less certain of his actions, though convinced of his intentions), and/or b) taken longer to agree to help Arthur (maybe he'd stall until he gets a promise to see Alfred "again," or been more surprised when the good fae reappeared to him). Not to say that he can't be a stubborn old coot, or that he wouldn't still be blind to many of the consequences of his actions, but the scene was pretty, hm, mercurial. If you decide to change it in de-anon - which is totally up to you! - it would be pretty easy to add a few more lines, space it out a bit. Since you don't like dialog, maybe add more body language, or descriptions of France grinning at Great Britain being laid out on the floor?
It looks long, but it's not a big issue. Still loving this, and can't wait for the next chapter! ♥
My copy of the game's in the mail, so I'll have to get back to you on Kurow. XD
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