Catch You, Catch Me (3c/6?)
anonymous
January 22 2011, 20:11:33 UTC
It was a clear spring day about a year and a half ago when Romano first met Spain. The whole thing had been sheer coincidence. Romano decided to walk to work that day rather than drive like he normally did. He had managed to get out the door unusually early which meant that he had time to be a bit more leisurely in his pace.
The detective was stopped at a corner, waiting for the light to change when he first laid eyes on Spain. Spain hadn’t seen him yet; he was too busy texting someone. Romano saw the following events as if in slow motion. A child riding his bike on the sidewalk swerved to miss a dog crossing his path, and bumped Spain, causing him to drop his phone in the street. Spain, like the moron he was, unthinkingly stepped out into on-coming traffic to retrieve it, completely overlooking the city bus that was speeding toward him.
Acting on sheer instinct, Romano darted across the street and shoved Spain out of the way just in the nick of time. Unfortunately Romano had been less lucky; the bus clipped his leg and broke it badly. The Italian had always had a rather low tolerance for pain, so he had blacked out and didn’t awake until hours later, by which time he had been taken to the hospital.
The first thing he noticed as he began to regain consciousness was the sound of someone’s shoes against the carpet, pacing restlessly. Romano moaned; there was a sickly throbbing in his leg, though it didn’t hurt. He brought a hand to his head and found that a large piece of gauze had been taped to his face. Romano didn’t have time to process much more than this, because whoever was pacing in his room had noticed that he was awake.
“Oh! You’re awake! I’m so glad!”
Romano squinted at him. His head was throbbing, too. “Who the fuck’re you?”
“I’m Spain Fernandez-Carriedo, the guy you saved from the bus,” the man chirped, looking way too energetic. “And you’re Detective Romano Vargas, my hero!”
“I know who I am, dumb ass,” Romano grumbled, too miserable to muster up the bite he would usually put in his voice. “What the hell are you doing in my room?”
“I was waiting for you to wake up so I could say thank you for saving me,” Spain explained. “I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I am! I’m just sorry you had to go and get so banged up because of it.”
“There’s always a punishment for doing something nice for someone,” Romano mumbled. “This time, there were two punishments: a broken leg and an annoying bastard in my room who won’t shut the hell up… God, I feel like I’m gonna puke.”
“The doctor said you have a minor concussion and that you might feel sick when you woke up,” Spain said, lowering his voice so as to lessen the aggravation to Romano’s poor spinning head. “Would you like some water?”
“F-fine…”
Spain hurried to pour Romano a glass of water from the pitcher that had been placed on Romano’s bedside table. Now that Spain had come closer, Romano could focus on him a bit better. Wavy dark hair, sun-kissed tan skin, lively green eyes, a body that erred on the lean and muscular side… Romano’s cheeks pinked slightly. The guy may be annoying as hell, but he certainly wasn’t the ugliest human being Romano had ever seen. Maybe it was just the concussion and worsening sick feeling in his stomach talking, though.
Spain offered Romano the glass of water just as the detective leaned over the edge of the bed and threw up on his shoes.
Catch You, Catch Me (3d/6?)
anonymous
January 22 2011, 20:14:12 UTC
Romano had been pretty sure that he would never see Spain again after his utterly humiliating performance, but Spain surprised him by showing up again the next day to visit him and pace in the waiting room while he had surgery to realign his bones after his multiple fractures. He came again the day after that and the day after that. In fact, Spain showed up to visit him for at least an hour every day the entire time Romano was recuperating.
And he brought gifts; sometimes flowers, or chocolate, or alcohol, or even full five course home-cooked meals. It was three months before Romano was completely healed and there was not a single day during that time that Spain failed to visit him and tell him how grateful he was for what Romano had done for him.
The detective didn’t know how to react to Spain. He cursed him out and told him that he was annoying and to go away several times per visit, but everything he said just slid off of Spain like water off a duck’s back. Aside from his family, no one had ever willingly put up with him for so long.
Factor in Spain’s tolerable looks, cheerful, easy-going personality, and the fact that he told Romano every day how glad he was to have met him, and Romano found his heart filled with the beginnings of worryingly tender feelings toward the man. Not love, of course (Romano wasn’t a moron or a masochist), but a disturbing lack of hatred and resentment, especially considering the fact that his leg had been broken saving this idiot.
But as Romano had learned the hard way over and over throughout his life, people could only pretend to be decent for a short amount of time before they exposed their rotten cores. He and Spain had been sitting on the couch that fateful day, watching TV, and Romano had nodded off against Spain’s shoulder. Spain, still not understanding even after the millions of times that Romano had warned him that he didn’t like being touched, thought that he could take advantage of Romano’s sleepiness to hold his hand. Well, he was lucky this time that Romano really was too tired to yell at him, but that didn’t mean he liked it.
That was when Italy showed up, a bag containing grilled sandwiches and pasta salad from his café in hand, intending to share them with his brother for dinner. Though Italy had visited Romano frequently during the time that he was recuperating, his and Spain’s visits had never coincided before. When Spain laid eyes on Italy, he stood up, leaving Romano to be startled awake by the sudden loss of support.
“Hey, are you Romano’s younger brother?” Spain asked, sounding way too interested for Romano’s liking. Warning signs were flaring up in his mind like fireworks in response to the tone of Spain’s voice. That was when Spain dropped the bomb on him. “You’re adorable! Why haven’t I met you before?”
That, to Romano’s paranoid ears, sounded like “Why have I been wasting my time with Romano when I could have had you this whole time?” And Romano flipped out. He jumped to his feet, sprinted around the couch and punched Spain in the jaw with all his might.
“Get the fuck out of my house! Both of you!” he shouted.
“Eh? Wh-what’s wrong, Brother?”
“R…Romano… why…?”
“Out! Get out right now or I’ll call the fucking cops on your asses!” Bewildered and hurt, Spain and Italy left Romano’s house, neither one of them understanding why they had just been thrown out. Once he had hurt the door slam shut, Romano hurried over to lock it, his chest heaving like he had just run a marathon. Then he slid his back down the door, dropping into a sitting position.
He didn’t care. I don’t give a shit, he told himself. Spain was a clueless idiot who never listened when he told him not to touch him or to go away, who forced his barely edible food down Romano’s throat, and wouldn’t shut up about how cute Romano was or about how much he liked him… He was only saying that stuff because I saved him. Everyone likes Veneciano better anyway. Why should stupid Spain be any different? I don’t give a shit about him. And Romano buried his face in his arms and sobbed. ******
Catch You, Catch Me (3e/6?)
anonymous
January 22 2011, 20:15:53 UTC
After that incident, Spain continued to call and knock on his door everyday but Romano ignored him. All the apology letters and gifts that Spain left on his doorstep were burned with deep satisfaction (except if he left something that looked really yummy and Romano hadn’t been to the grocery store in a while. Then he would eat it, but only with the greatest of reluctance). He had called the cops on Spain twice when he had shown up at his window at night to attempt to serenade him.
Yet Spain, ever the clueless dumb ass, still didn’t get it. He harassed Romano this way every single day until about eight months ago. After that, Spain just stopped visiting, stopped ringing the door bell, stopped leaving gifts. Romano had been grateful beyond belief. He had been starting to think that he would be stuck with Spain for the rest of his life. But Spain hadn’t given up altogether. He still sent tickets to his shows every time he had one.
Spain was a stage performer, and a very popular one at that. Apparently his stunts and magic tricks were second to none. Romano wouldn’t know; he’d never seen one of his shows and he didn’t plan to do so any time in the foreseeable future. Sometimes, in his weaker moments, Romano considered giving in and going to Spain’s stupid show, but then he forced himself to remember the utter betrayal of that day when Spain had met Italy and he would tear the tickets up with renewed hatred. If that asshole ever showed his face in front of Romano again, he was going to beat the crap out of him, no questions asked.
Re: Catch You, Catch Me (3e/6?)
anonymous
January 23 2011, 01:00:09 UTC
Awww. The scene between Romano and El Apasionado Cabarello made me squeal and smile like an idiot the entire time, but somehow, I really got sad after reading about Romano's love life. It's a shame, really. Poor thing.
I really hope they can get together without Spain being sent to jail or Romano being fired.
Re: Catch You, Catch Me (3e/6?)
anonymous
January 23 2011, 02:06:04 UTC
*new reader here*
I'm really glad you gave a background to Spain's love towards Romano. Love how you describe his insecurities in this one. Still waiting for why Spain decided to steal diamonds, though! :D
Catch You, Catch Me (4a/6?)
anonymous
January 24 2011, 21:04:00 UTC
After his outburst at Italy, Romano’s mind and heart slipped into turmoil. Their disagreement had not been the cause of his confusion and uncertainty, but it hadn’t really sunken in completely until after Italy, dejected, had left Romano’s house. Until last night’s run-in with El Apasionado Caballero, it had been Romano’s unshaken conviction that love did not exist. But then that stupid, annoying thief had gone and planted a seed of doubt in his mind.
El Apasionado Caballero could have easily let Romano die last night, and the detective couldn’t understand for the life of him why he hadn’t done so. If Romano captured him and put him in jail, El Apasionado Caballero’s life would be seriously messed up. He wouldn’t get a life-time sentence, especially since he had never attempted to injure anyone or even carried a weapon of any kind, but because of the serial nature of his crimes and the value of the items he stole, he would spend at least several years in prison for it. Even after he was released from jail, the repercussions would follow him for life. Why would El Apasionado Caballero not take the chance to get rid of the person who intended to see that he got what he had coming to him?
On top of that, he hadn’t seemed the least bit upset over losing the diamond he had put himself on the line in order to steal. He had even called it worthless in comparison to Romano. Romano couldn’t imagine what would drive a criminal, of all people, to act this way. When he had asked El Apasionado Caballero why he had done it, his answer had been “I love you, Romano. I can’t bear the thought of anything happening to you.” (The fact that he remembered El Apasionado Caballero’s exact words in that instance had nothing to do with him liking what he had heard and everything to do with his finely honed skill as a detective.)
Romano supposed he could have understood if the thief had said he’d done it because he didn’t want a person’s death on his conscience. He would also have understood if El Apasionado Caballero thought so little of him as a detective (because if he was honest with himself, his track record on this particular case was not that impressive) that he wished to keep Romano in his place as head of his case so that no one who posed a real threat would take up the position instead. But the answer he had received had thrown him into deep uncertainty about what he had thought he’d known for sure.
The detective had long ago learned not to be swayed by pretty words, but when accompanied by such an undeniably selfless act, he was almost kind of tempted to wonder whether there might have been some truth to what El Apasionado Caballero had said. Actually, his real purpose in asking Italy to come over today was to discuss with him what had happened in hopes of getting his thoughts on the matter. Italy may have been an airhead, but he was a lot more confident when it came to matters of the heart. Romano’s heart was uninvolved in this particular matter, of course, but that was beside the point.
Romano knew that he wouldn’t have been able to discuss things of this nature as openly as he wished he could, even if Italy was his brother, but he might have been able to express his problem somehow. If only dumb ass Spain and that damn potato bastard hadn’t interfered, he might be feeling a little less crappy right now. Not only that, but maybe he did kind of feel bad about hurting Italy’s feelings like that.
The detective sighed and flopped down onto his bed, irritable and shaken. Why did that bastard of a thief have to keep screwing with his head? Why couldn’t he just go away and leave Romano to his refreshingly simple, albeit depressing worldview? Romano wriggled back under the covers and curled in on himself, even though it was only eleven in the morning. Perhaps he would take an early siesta today.
Catch You, Catch Me (4b/6?)
anonymous
January 24 2011, 21:06:18 UTC
To Romano’s immense surprise, El Apasionado Caballero delivered another calling card right away on Monday. That was the shortest gap in between the thief’s warnings he had ever seen. This made it an even nastier surprise for Romano when he cracked open an egg for his breakfast on Monday morning only to have it explode in his face with a puff of smoke and confetti, the calling card drifting down to get singed in his frying pan. He had thought he would be safe from El Apasionado Caballero’s occasionally terrifying calling card booby traps for another couple of days at least.
Not only that, but El Apasionado Caballero said that he was planning to strike that very night, not even bothering to give him the usual one day’s notice. Tonight, October 11th, I will steal the statue of Cupid from the Chiarina City Art Museum at 8:30 PM. Love, El Apasionado Caballero. Romano couldn’t help wondering if there was some special reason that the thief was pilfering again so soon, but he couldn’t really think of anything that made sense.
He supposed motive wasn’t really important now; he needed to focus instead on which of his brilliant plans of attack he would use tonight. Romano always kept a number of traps stockpiled because of El Apasionado Caballero’s tendency to strike on short notice. All of them were ingenious, but he was going to pull out the big guns tonight. He was going to dress up like the Cupid statue and fool El Apasionado Caballero into thinking he was the real thing. Then, when El Apasionado Caballero came close to try to steal him, he would slap the handcuffs on him. It was fool proof!
Romano wolfed down the remainder of his toast and hurried out the door, heading for the Chiarina City Art Museum to see what kind of materials he would need for the costume.
******
Romano shifted uncomfortably, glancing down at the flimsy strip of cloth curled around his waist one more time to make absolutely certain that it was covering everything. This plan seemed less appealing with each passing minute. When he had come to look at the statue that morning to see what kind of costume he would need to make, Romano had been a bit dismayed to find that the only clothing Cupid wore was a flowing strip of cloth that just barely obscured his man bits from view.
Romano had had reservations from the start about exposing himself that way, but the plan was so brilliant, so perfect in every way, that he hadn’t been able to bring himself to abandon it. If he couldn’t catch El Apasionado Caballero this way, then the man was too elusive for anything and anyone. And Romano had been quite a bit more confident in his own physique that morning, before he’d actually seen himself in the costume. Hadn’t his abs been a little more defined when he’d seen them in the bathroom mirror after his morning shower? Had his legs always been this scrawny?
To make matters worse, now all his coworkers were staring at him as well. Romano, who was already beet red, reddened even further. He couldn’t really yell at them for staring because he had to know that he was convincing enough to fool El Apasionado Caballero, but man was this awkward. Romano was sure that he could feel a draft on his butt and the French officer looked like he was enjoying this far too much. He shivered; it was rather cold with so little clothing.
“Er, I don’t mean to discourage you, but are you sure this will work?” Officer Germany asked. “For one thing, the original statue is made of white stone, and you’re clearly not…”
“Hey, when I want your opinion, wurst dick, I’ll ask for it,” Romano growled. “Anyway, that guy’s almost as much of a moron as you, so I’ll have no trouble fooling him even if I don’t look exactly like the original.”
“I’m sorry, Detective Vargas, but I have to agree with Germany,” Finland said. “Even the most inattentive person is bound to notice something like that. Why don’t you put your clothes back on and we’ll just surround the statue so he can’t get near it? You’ll catch cold like that!”
Catch You, Catch Me (4c/6?)
anonymous
January 24 2011, 21:08:45 UTC
“Shut up, all of you!” the detective snapped. “This’ll definitely work so you can just keep your shitty ideas to yourself. Now go hide yourselves before he sees you and gets suspicious!”
Several of the officers, including Germany and Finland, sighed reluctantly and dragged their feet as they went to do as they were told. Romano glanced up at the clock on the wall and saw that there were only three minutes until El Apasionado Caballero was supposed to show up. He decided it was probably wise if he spent that time putting up his mental defenses against the inevitable flamenco music and the way El Apasionado Caballero’s eyes would undoubtedly fix hungrily upon him (because the thief was a pervert and reacted that way to every scantily clad thing he saw, not because he would know that it was Romano standing before him). If El Apasionado Caballero put another one of those creepy pervert spells on him and he had a below-the-waist reaction, the skimpy little piece of cloth wouldn’t be enough to cover everything. Romano was starting to feel a tad light-headed from blushing so hard.
Three minutes dragged by like frozen molasses. Romano adjusted his strap-on angel wings nervously, and double checked that he hadn’t dropped his handcuffs, even though they were pressed under his arm where he could easily feel them. Suddenly there was a soft scraping and creaking sound from somewhere overhead. Romano’s eyes strained through the darkness, trying to see what was causing the sound, but it was over before he could determine its source and something was being lowered to the floor from high up on the wall opposite him, carefully and using a rope.
It wasn’t until a familiar dark figure leapt out of the small space he had just and landed gracefully on the ground that Romano realized that the sound had been made when El Apasionado Caballero unscrewed the covering on the vent. He swallowed hard and ordered his body not to tremble or sweat or blush or anything else that might give him away. Currently he was doing all three.
That was when El Apasionado Caballero began to play his introductory music on his guitar. Romano had never actually witnessed him playing before; he had always played the music and then made his appearance. The detective had only his imagination to provide images of what El Apasionado Caballero might look like as he strummed his instrument. But seeing the real thing revealed that Romano’s imagination was underperforming.
El Apasionado Caballero swayed gently to the music, his head tilted back a bit, a large, confident smile on his face. Romano swallowed hard as he watched nimble, gloved fingers danced across the strings. When Romano saw him play that guitar so expertly, he couldn’t help wondering where else those talented fingers might be able to produce satisfying results. He bit back a curse as he realized that he had already been placed under El Apasionado Caballero’s pervert spell. A hurried glanced down at the growing bulge in the cloth around his waist confirmed this.
Before Romano could even attempt to do anything to fix his body’s humiliating reaction, the introductory song was over.
“It’s awfully quiet again tonight,” El Apasionado Caballero commented. “I wonder if maybe my cute little tomato couldn’t finish all his preparations to meet me tonight on such short notice…”
Oh, ye of little faith. Didn’t El Apasionado Caballero know better than to doubt Romano’s quick prep abilities by now? Romano almost scoffed aloud but caught himself just in time.
“Maybe I could wait a bit in case he’s running a little late,” El Apasionado Caballero mused. “I wanted to eat my churros anyway.”
Catch You, Catch Me (4d/6?)
anonymous
January 24 2011, 21:11:18 UTC
Romano fought the urge to roll his eyes. El Apasionado Caballero didn’t usually talk to himself like this, did he? Romano wouldn’t put it past him, he supposed. The guy had always struck him as being a bit mental. On the other hand, what if this meant that he already knew exactly what was going on and that he was being watched? El Apasionado Caballero took out his Ziploc bag of churros and began to munch on them noisily.
Romano decided that he had been giving the idiot thief way too much credit by wondering if he knew what was happening. He was cold and uncomfortable and his muscles were starting to tire from holding this unnatural pose; it was time to nudge the thief into action. Romano cleared his throat quietly to get his attention.
It seemed that El Apasionado Caballero was unable to hear him over his own munching and crunching because the sound didn’t even cause him to bat an eye. So Romano cleared his throat a bit louder. There was still no response. Romano coughed as loudly as he could without hurting himself, and finally the idiot thief stopped stuffing his face and looked around curiously.
“That’s strange…” he mumbled. “I could have sworn I heard someone cough just now…”
That was when El Apasionado Caballero’s eyes fell on the statue that he was meant to be targeting and, though Romano couldn’t see because of the partial darkness and the mask over the thief’s face, went wide and round as fifty-cent pieces. Romano could feel his cheeks heating up again as El Apasionado Caballero stepped forward hesitantly, fingers raised in wonder as he neared his target. Suddenly he was beginning to have his doubts about whether this had been as crafty a plan as he had initially thought.
El Apasionado Caballero finally stopped, almost nose to nose with Romano. The detective swallowed thickly and tried to order his body to stop reacting to this closeness so noticeably. His heart was pounding so loudly against his ribcage that he feared El Apasionado Caballero could hear it. It didn’t help in the slightest when the thief’s eyes raked over him, scrutinizing him intently, pausing on the bulge in the cloth around his waist.
Romano might have been able to deal with all of this somehow if El Apasionado Caballero hadn’t proceeded to reach out and touch him. He felt his already pounding heart go into overdrive when gentle gloved fingers reached up and touched his cheek softly. Before he could stop himself, Romano’s eyes squeezed shut when El Apasionado Caballero’s fingers traced lightly down the side of his neck, across his collarbone, down his chest, over his nipple, along his ribs, all the way to the curves of his hipbone.
Romano let out an involuntary shuddering breath, wondering if El Apasionado Caballero would continue past the strip of cloth around his waist. His erection was growing more pronounced and he was almost certain that El Apasionado Caballero would be able to see something he shouldn’t. El Apasionado Caballero, for his part, didn’t look nervous or uncomfortable at all. He just continued to stare at Romano reverently, his hand leaving Romano’s waist and coming up instead to run along his arms and wings.
“This… this is the most beautiful artwork I’ve ever seen,” the thief breathed, and there was a twinkle in his eye that said he knew that the thing he was looking at was no sculpture.
If Romano had been capable of reddening any further than he already had, he would have done so upon hearing the sincerity in his voice. He’s messing with me, Romano told himself. He knows it’s me and now he’s just screwing with my head. Well Romano wasn’t going to stand for that. He’d posed in this ridiculous getup for long enough. It was time to make his arrest. Trying to move so quickly that El Apasionado Caballero wouldn’t have time to react, Romano dropped his bow and arrow and began to reach under his arm for the handcuffs he had been concealing there.
Catch You, Catch Me (4e/6?)
anonymous
January 24 2011, 21:14:13 UTC
The detective’s own clumsiness ended up foiling his plan; he accidentally dropped the handcuffs with what sounded to him like an earsplitting clatter. El Apasionado Caballero hardly seemed to notice. He was too busy scooping Romano into his arms. Romano began to kick and squirm, but then he saw the hungry gaze El Apasionado Caballero was aiming at him, and how the redness in the thief’s face had spread beyond the point where he could hide it behind his mask.
Romano looked down at himself and gave a rather unmanly squeak when he realized that the flimsy piece of cloth had slipped from around his waist and was now curled pointlessly around his stomach. He curled himself into a ball, covering his exposed body the best that he could and aimed a punch at El Apasionado Caballero’s face.
“Kidnapping!” Romano screeched. “Pervert! Molestation! Dammit, get your fucking asses in here and save me, you useless bastards!”
But this time, El Apasionado Caballero wasn’t wasting any time trying to show off for anyone. He was obviously intent on making a serious getaway for once. By the time the officers began spilling into the room, El Apasionado Caballero had already shot his grappling hook onto the ledge of a high-up window and was halfway out it and into the surrounding trees.
Meanwhile, Romano was clutching onto El Apasionado Caballero’s suit coat as tightly as he could, hiding his face in the crook of the thief’s neck. He had never been especially fond of heights, but the fact that they were moving so quickly through the trees absolutely terrified him. Romano didn’t trust El Apasionado Caballero not to drop him or run into something.
“S-stop, you bastard,” he sobbed. “I’ll…I’ll h-head-butt you!”
“Sorry, Romano, but I can’t stop now,” El Apasionado Caballero said sympathetically. “There’s still one stubborn officer on our tail and I need to talk to you.”
Someone had been able to keep up with El Apasionado Caballero’s breakneck speed? Romano couldn’t help being deeply surprised. The officers who accompanied him on these jobs had never been any help before. Who was suddenly making himself useful? Romano took a deep breath and peered over El Apasionado Caballero’s shoulder.
Germany was following them on the ground, weaving through the trees with a speed and agility that Romano would never have expected from someone so fat and ugly. Romano’s heart sank. Naturally, he wanted to be saved from whatever unpleasantness El Apasionado Caballero had in store for him, but that didn’t mean he wanted that stinky potato bastard to be the one to do it. He didn’t think his pride would have been able to survive such a blow.
To Romano’s terror, El Apasionado Caballero chose that moment to put on an even greater burst of speed. If Romano hadn’t been so busy sobbing in fear into the thief’s chest, he would have seen Germany falling farther and farther behind. When El Apasionado Caballero was confident that he had lost him, he began to slow down and finally dropped down from the trees and into a clearing. He set Romano carefully on the ground, panting. Romano was so relieved that they weren’t hurtling through the trees anymore that he just curled up on the ground, shivering.
“You ok, my little tomato?” El Apasionado Caballero asked softly, crouching at his side and stroking his hair comfortingly once he had caught his breath. “I’m sorry if that scared you.”
“Damn r-right it did, y-you bastard,” Romano sniffled. “What if you’d d-dropped me, asshole?”
“I would never drop you, Romano,” he assured him. “I was holding on as tight as I could.”
When Romano continued to shiver, El Apasionado Caballero unbuttoned his fancy jacket and helped him into it. The detective couldn’t help being surprised by this. He knew what a pervert the thief was; he was sure that El Apasionado Caballero would have wanted to keep him wearing as little as possible as long as possible. El Apasionado Caballero tried to pull him into his arms, but Romano swatted him away, albeit more weakly than he had intended to do. The thief sighed in disappointment, and gave Romano a little time to collect himself before he began to speak again.
Catch You, Catch Me (4f/6?)
anonymous
January 24 2011, 21:16:10 UTC
“Romano… on Friday, I, uh… I confessed my love to you,” El Apasionado Caballero began, sounding more nervous than Romano had ever heard him. “You didn’t give me an answer, so I thought maybe you needed some time to think about it. I just… wanted to know if you’d given it any thought yet.”
Romano started and looked up at him in shock. “That… that’s why you dragged my ass all the way out here? Because of that?”
El Apasionado Caballero smiled sheepishly and rubbed the back of his head. “Well, yeah. I was really anxious to hear your answer, so I thought I would set up another caper tonight. I wondered if I should give you some more time, but I was too excited to wait any longer.”
Romano blushed and looked down at his bare feet. “That’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.”
El Apasionado Caballero shrugged. “People often tell me that I’m recklessly burning with passion. That’s actually part of how I chose my thief name. Pretty cool, don’t you think?”
“Moron,” Romano mumbled half-heartedly. “What the hell kind of reply is that?”
An awkward silence descended upon them. El Apasionado Caballero watched Romano expectantly and Romano shuffled uncomfortably under his gaze. He wanted more than anything to say “Don’t be such a dumb ass; a detective can’t love a thief. And anyway, you piss me off so get out of my face”, but for some reason, the words wouldn’t come out.
“So, um, what do you think?” El Apasionado Caballero asked finally. Romano sighed and scratched the back of his head. “Listen, because I’m only gonna say this once: I don’t believe in love, ok?”
“Eh? But why not?” El Apasionado Caballero gasped, looking heartbroken.
The detective kicked uneasily at some of the dead leaves underfoot. He didn’t want to talk about this, especially not with this bastard of all people. But suddenly, he felt his lips moving and words spilling out and he couldn’t stop himself from replying.
“I used to think it was real, back when I was a naïve kid, but there were some people I thought I didn’t hate and they stabbed me in the back and went for my brother instead. They acted like they wanted me but really they just wanted him. Even… even my parents preferred him. Anyway, the whole love thing is a bunch of bullshit and I don’t even know why I’m telling this to you, because you’d probably do the same thing if you met my brother and your stupid face pisses me off.”
El Apasionado Caballero was silent for a moment, frozen and motionless, and for a split second, Romano wondered if he’d broken him somehow. Then something slid down from beneath the thief’s mask and dripped from his chin, pattering softly on the dirt and leaves. It took Romano a moment to realize that it had been a tear, and that there were a whole lot more where that had come from. The detective was bewildered.
“Wh-what the hell are you crying for?” he demanded.
“Romano… I had no idea, you… That’s… that’s so sad! Poor Romano! Now I understand why you… Oh, Romano! I’m so, so sorry!”
El Apasionado Caballero threw his arms around Romano in a bear hug, squishing the air right out of him.
“Let go, you bastard! I can’t breathe!” Romano choked. “And you’re not making any fucking sense! Why the hell are you apologizing? Quit crying! It’s creepy!”
“Romano, my sweet little tomato,” El Apasionado Caballero sniffled. “I’ve always loved you and only you with all of my heart! There’s never been anyone else since the first time I met you!”
The stupid thing was that Romano could feel his own eyes starting to tear up again. What the hell was wrong with him? He didn’t even care about this idiot at all! And why did his stomach and chest feel so weird?
Catch You, Catch Me (4g/6?)
anonymous
January 24 2011, 21:18:54 UTC
“S-stop crying, dumb ass,” Romano croaked as tears spilled down his cheeks anew. “S-stop it or I’ll k-kick you!”
The thief sniffled and pulled away from him slightly, took a handkerchief from his pocket and gently dried Romano’s tears, then turned his back so he could life his mask and his own.
“What can I do to convince you?” El Apasionado Caballero asked. “I’ll prove my love for you is real! Name anything you want and I’ll do it!”
Romano was silent. “Whether love is real or not, which it’s not, I don’t give a shit about you. Go away,” was what his mind was screaming at him to say. His heart was pounding and his stomach felt sick. He just wanted to go home and pretend none of this had ever happened but his feet wouldn’t move. Perhaps he would just ask for something outrageous. Then El Apasionado Caballero wouldn’t be able to do it, Romano’s disbelief in love would be reaffirmed and he could stop feeling so confused over all of this.
“Fine then,” Romano said finally. “If you love me, then take off your mask and show me who you are.”
El Apasionado Caballero looked startled. “T-take off my mask?”
“Trust is part of love, right?” Romano demanded. “You can’t say you love me unless you’d trust me with something important, like your identity.”
El Apasionado Caballero wanted to take it off; he really did. He just couldn’t. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Romano, it was that he was afraid of what Romano’s reaction would be when he found out who he was. He hadn’t managed to begin to mend Romano’s hard feelings toward his true identity yet, and unmasking himself prematurely could permanently ruin any chance he had with him. Then again, if he refused, Romano would count that as more evidence toward his belief that there was no such thing as love. El Apasionado Caballero knew he needed to tread carefully here.
“Sorry, Romano, but can I have a little more time? I don’t think the time is quite right yet.”
Romano’s face contorted into an expression of hurt covered over by anger, though there was no surprise in his gaze. “I knew you wouldn’t do it. You’re so full of shit.”
“I’m not saying I won’t do it,” El Apasionado Caballero said hurriedly. “There are just a few things I have to take care of first. Then I promise I will reveal my identity to you. Please be patient, ok, my sweet little tomato?”
Catch You, Catch Me (4h/6?)
anonymous
January 24 2011, 21:19:39 UTC
Germany, who had been wandering the area for the last few minutes, trying desperately to locate the thief and his captive, froze when what sounded like a voice reached his ears. He stopped moving, and strained to pick up the noise again.
“Whatever. I don’t care.”
That was Romano’s voice, no doubt about it. It was coming from nearby. Yes, there they were; he could see them now. One figure obviously belonged to Romano, and a closer look confirmed that he was with the thief. Strangely, Romano seemed to be making no effort to get away. Maybe El Apasionado Caballero was using some sort of intimidation tactic to get him to stay put? But Romano’s voice hadn’t sounded frightened…
Germany crept through the crunchy dead leaves as quietly as he could, intending to listen and watch so that he could get a better understanding of what was going on. When he thought he was close enough, the blond officer hid himself behind a tree and peeked around the side, watching them. Then he saw something that shocked him. El Apasionado Caballero leaned forward and kissed Romano on the cheek.
“I love you, Romano,” he said softly. “I’ll prove it to you soon enough.”
Germany’s mouth fell open. This was the last kind of thing he’d expected to walk in on. Did this mean that they were in cahoots? Was it possible that Romano had been allowing the thief to escape all this time on purpose?
Germany could hardly imagine that it could be true. Romano had seemed to genuinely want to catch him, and he didn’t strike Germany as the type of guy who would be very good at putting up a front. Perhaps he was misunderstanding the situation. He needed to see what Romano’s reaction would be before he drew any conclusions. This was his beloved Italy’s brother after all, and even if Romano was hot-tempered and rude, Germany wanted to believe that he wasn’t corrupt.
“Hmph. I’m waiting, you bastard. N-not that I care or anything! It just makes my life a lot less complicated when I know I’m right!”
Germany’s jaw dropped. The Romano he thought he knew would have punched the thief for pulling something like that, but he had sounded almost hopeful just now. Germany rubbed a hand over his face wearily, having a feeling that this moral dilemma was going to keep him awake tonight.
Re: Catch You, Catch Me (4h/6?)
anonymous
January 26 2011, 01:41:47 UTC
You know, I think I'm now deaf from how loudly my inner fangirl was screaming. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to return to incoherently staring at this fill in sheer love.
Catch You, Catch Me (5a/6?)
anonymous
January 26 2011, 18:51:54 UTC
The day after El Apasionado Caballero promised to prove his love to Romano, Spain made his first personal appearance at Romano’s house in months. Romano, who hadn’t been expecting him, had even answered the door when he rang the bell. His eyes went wide when he saw Spain standing there, smiling hopefully, a bottle of Romano’s favorite wine in one hand and his favorite chocolate in the other.
“Romano… I’m so glad you’re home and that you answered the door!” Spain said, sound slightly breathless. “I was kind of worried you’d ignore me again!”
Romano, who wasn’t feeling especially well that day, simply stared at him blankly, his brain struggling to decide on the best course of action. His instinct was to slam the door in his face, but something gave him pause as he took in Spain’s appearance for the first time in so long. He had never really thought about it before, but Spain kind of looked like El Apasionado Caballero. They had the same general build, the hair style and color was similar, even their eyes were almost the same color. Huh, what a weird coincidence.
“…What the hell do you want?” Romano asked grumpily. He’d tried to put more snarl in his voice, but his throat was sore and it had come out just sounding sort of sullen.
“I just wanted to talk to you a little,” Spain said. “Maybe we could go inside?”
“No way, I know what’ll happen if I let you in,” Romano scoffed. “You’ll refuse to leave unless I call the cops on your stupid ass. Actually, I don’t wanna see that fucking idiotic face of yours at all. Looking at it is making me sick.”
Romano began to close the door, but Spain stuck his foot in the way, blocking it. The detective tried to kick him in the shin hard enough so that he would pull it away in pain, but Spain was determined.
“Wait! Please, Romano, just hear me out! I’m not interested in Ita!”
“The fuck you’re not! You said it right in front of me! Did you think I was deaf and wouldn’t hear it?! Now get your damn foot out of the door or I’ll break it!”
“I just said he was cute! That doesn’t mean I prefer him! You’re a thousand times cuter, Romano! A million times cuter! I love you more than anyone else in the world!”
Those final words caused Romano to freeze. Was it his mind playing tricks on him, or were those the exact words El Apasionado Caballero had said to him last night?
“What… was that last thing you just said?” Romano asked.
“Um… I love you more than anyone else in the world?” Spain repeated, looking as though he was kind of afraid he’d said something wrong.
Romano stared at him long and hard. He had heard correctly the first time; those were, without a doubt, the exact same words he had heard from El Apasionado Caballero. What did this mean? Did they know each other? Had Spain followed him on the job and heard him say it, gotten jealous and was now trying to sway him with the enemy’s words? Then again, it wasn’t a particularly unusual turn of phrase. Perhaps it was just another coincidence.
“What, so you think you can just say some nice words and I’ll fall into your arms?” Romano sniffed. “Think again, dumb ass. If you expect me to believe it, I gotta see proof. Not that it’ll make any difference now; I’ve got so many people beating down my door to prove their love for me, I don’t have time for stupid bastards who already ruined their chances. Now go away; I’m busy.”
Catch You, Catch Me (5b/6?)
anonymous
January 26 2011, 18:54:48 UTC
Romano tried to close the door again, but Spain’s foot was still blocking it.
“What kind of proof do you want?” Spain asked. “Please, Romanito. I’ll do anything.”
“How the hell should I know?” Romano griped. “If you really give a shit about me, I’m sure you’ll think of something.”
With that, Romano pushed Spain’s foot out of the way and slammed the door in his face. Spain blinked at the off-white barrier that now separated him and his true love for a moment before it swung open again. Romano snatched the wine and chocolate from him and slammed the door once more. Spain didn’t know what to make of this. He couldn’t say that that confrontation had gone especially well, but he hadn’t really expected it to.
Actually, it had gone better than he had expected. He had at least been able to get a few words in before Romano shut the door on him. Not only that, but Romano had accepted his gifts, hadn’t completely shut him down and though Spain had taken a risk by repeating what he had said last night as El Apasionado Caballero, Romano hadn’t seemed all that suspicious of him. Could he take this to mean that he was victorious? Filled with renewed hope, Spain got back into his car, whistling a happy tune.
******
On the day that Romano received El Apasionado Caballero’s next calling card a week later, he had had every intention of staying home from work. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt so awful; perhaps it hadn’t been since he’d broken his leg saving Spain’s sorry ass. The thermometer beeped, signaling that it had gotten a read on his temperature, and he took it out of his mouth to stare at it blearily. Thirty-nine degrees Celsius (approx. 102 degrees Fahrenheit); no wonder he felt like shit.
Romano snatched a tissue from the box on his bedside table and muffled what felt like his hundredth sneeze since he’d awoken half an hour ago. He was no doctor, but he was pretty sure he had the flu. Such was his misery that he could hardly even appreciate the fact that he had a legitimate reason to skip work. Romano coughed and groped around on the table for his cell phone so that he could call himself in sick.
He had just selected the number from speed dial and brought the phone up to his ear when a man’s voice, apparently a recording, began to speak to him. Romano didn’t even realize who that voice belonged to until the man identified himself at the end of the recording.
“I will be stealing the necklace of Queen Alexandria IV from the Chiarina City Exhibition Hall tonight at 9. Love, El Apasionado Caballero.”
Then the phone began to ring, connecting him to the number he had originally dialed. If he’d had the presence of mind, he would have voiced his disgust that it was Officer France who answered (even though he’d called England’s secretary, Seychelles), but as it was, it took Romano a full second or so to even remember why he’d called.
“Hello, is anyone there?” Apparently Romano was breathing heavily into the phone while he tried to gather his thoughts because France’s next line was “If you called for phone sex, you’ll have to call back at my personal number. As much as the idea of doing it at work in front of my boss’s office excites me, I do value my job.”
Romano was so run down that he didn’t even have the energy to snap at France to die in a fire for that disgusting comment.
“It’s Detective Vargas,” he croaked. “I feel like shit so I’m not coming to work today.”
“I’m honestly sorry to hear that,” France said. “It’s a lot more difficult to reconstruct your delectable appearance in that Cupid costume from last week in my mind without you standing in front of me. I suppose I shall just have to jerk off under my desk to something else today.”
“There was something else…” Romano continued, hardly having heard France’s comment over the throbbing of his own head. “What was it…?”
“Eh…? You’re… you’re really going to let that go without cussing me out?” France asked in genuine surprise. “Hey, are you ok? You’re not dying, are you?”
“I might be.” Romano sneezed again and blew his nose. “Ugh, fucking flu…”
“Wait right there; Big Brother will come over and take care of you,” France offered, a sly tone in his voice.
The detective was stopped at a corner, waiting for the light to change when he first laid eyes on Spain. Spain hadn’t seen him yet; he was too busy texting someone. Romano saw the following events as if in slow motion. A child riding his bike on the sidewalk swerved to miss a dog crossing his path, and bumped Spain, causing him to drop his phone in the street. Spain, like the moron he was, unthinkingly stepped out into on-coming traffic to retrieve it, completely overlooking the city bus that was speeding toward him.
Acting on sheer instinct, Romano darted across the street and shoved Spain out of the way just in the nick of time. Unfortunately Romano had been less lucky; the bus clipped his leg and broke it badly. The Italian had always had a rather low tolerance for pain, so he had blacked out and didn’t awake until hours later, by which time he had been taken to the hospital.
The first thing he noticed as he began to regain consciousness was the sound of someone’s shoes against the carpet, pacing restlessly. Romano moaned; there was a sickly throbbing in his leg, though it didn’t hurt. He brought a hand to his head and found that a large piece of gauze had been taped to his face. Romano didn’t have time to process much more than this, because whoever was pacing in his room had noticed that he was awake.
“Oh! You’re awake! I’m so glad!”
Romano squinted at him. His head was throbbing, too. “Who the fuck’re you?”
“I’m Spain Fernandez-Carriedo, the guy you saved from the bus,” the man chirped, looking way too energetic. “And you’re Detective Romano Vargas, my hero!”
“I know who I am, dumb ass,” Romano grumbled, too miserable to muster up the bite he would usually put in his voice. “What the hell are you doing in my room?”
“I was waiting for you to wake up so I could say thank you for saving me,” Spain explained. “I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I am! I’m just sorry you had to go and get so banged up because of it.”
“There’s always a punishment for doing something nice for someone,” Romano mumbled. “This time, there were two punishments: a broken leg and an annoying bastard in my room who won’t shut the hell up… God, I feel like I’m gonna puke.”
“The doctor said you have a minor concussion and that you might feel sick when you woke up,” Spain said, lowering his voice so as to lessen the aggravation to Romano’s poor spinning head. “Would you like some water?”
“F-fine…”
Spain hurried to pour Romano a glass of water from the pitcher that had been placed on Romano’s bedside table. Now that Spain had come closer, Romano could focus on him a bit better. Wavy dark hair, sun-kissed tan skin, lively green eyes, a body that erred on the lean and muscular side… Romano’s cheeks pinked slightly. The guy may be annoying as hell, but he certainly wasn’t the ugliest human being Romano had ever seen. Maybe it was just the concussion and worsening sick feeling in his stomach talking, though.
Spain offered Romano the glass of water just as the detective leaned over the edge of the bed and threw up on his shoes.
******
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And he brought gifts; sometimes flowers, or chocolate, or alcohol, or even full five course home-cooked meals. It was three months before Romano was completely healed and there was not a single day during that time that Spain failed to visit him and tell him how grateful he was for what Romano had done for him.
The detective didn’t know how to react to Spain. He cursed him out and told him that he was annoying and to go away several times per visit, but everything he said just slid off of Spain like water off a duck’s back. Aside from his family, no one had ever willingly put up with him for so long.
Factor in Spain’s tolerable looks, cheerful, easy-going personality, and the fact that he told Romano every day how glad he was to have met him, and Romano found his heart filled with the beginnings of worryingly tender feelings toward the man. Not love, of course (Romano wasn’t a moron or a masochist), but a disturbing lack of hatred and resentment, especially considering the fact that his leg had been broken saving this idiot.
But as Romano had learned the hard way over and over throughout his life, people could only pretend to be decent for a short amount of time before they exposed their rotten cores. He and Spain had been sitting on the couch that fateful day, watching TV, and Romano had nodded off against Spain’s shoulder. Spain, still not understanding even after the millions of times that Romano had warned him that he didn’t like being touched, thought that he could take advantage of Romano’s sleepiness to hold his hand. Well, he was lucky this time that Romano really was too tired to yell at him, but that didn’t mean he liked it.
That was when Italy showed up, a bag containing grilled sandwiches and pasta salad from his café in hand, intending to share them with his brother for dinner. Though Italy had visited Romano frequently during the time that he was recuperating, his and Spain’s visits had never coincided before. When Spain laid eyes on Italy, he stood up, leaving Romano to be startled awake by the sudden loss of support.
“Hey, are you Romano’s younger brother?” Spain asked, sounding way too interested for Romano’s liking. Warning signs were flaring up in his mind like fireworks in response to the tone of Spain’s voice. That was when Spain dropped the bomb on him. “You’re adorable! Why haven’t I met you before?”
That, to Romano’s paranoid ears, sounded like “Why have I been wasting my time with Romano when I could have had you this whole time?” And Romano flipped out. He jumped to his feet, sprinted around the couch and punched Spain in the jaw with all his might.
“Get the fuck out of my house! Both of you!” he shouted.
“Eh? Wh-what’s wrong, Brother?”
“R…Romano… why…?”
“Out! Get out right now or I’ll call the fucking cops on your asses!”
Bewildered and hurt, Spain and Italy left Romano’s house, neither one of them understanding why they had just been thrown out. Once he had hurt the door slam shut, Romano hurried over to lock it, his chest heaving like he had just run a marathon. Then he slid his back down the door, dropping into a sitting position.
He didn’t care. I don’t give a shit, he told himself. Spain was a clueless idiot who never listened when he told him not to touch him or to go away, who forced his barely edible food down Romano’s throat, and wouldn’t shut up about how cute Romano was or about how much he liked him… He was only saying that stuff because I saved him. Everyone likes Veneciano better anyway. Why should stupid Spain be any different? I don’t give a shit about him. And Romano buried his face in his arms and sobbed.
******
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Yet Spain, ever the clueless dumb ass, still didn’t get it. He harassed Romano this way every single day until about eight months ago. After that, Spain just stopped visiting, stopped ringing the door bell, stopped leaving gifts. Romano had been grateful beyond belief. He had been starting to think that he would be stuck with Spain for the rest of his life. But Spain hadn’t given up altogether. He still sent tickets to his shows every time he had one.
Spain was a stage performer, and a very popular one at that. Apparently his stunts and magic tricks were second to none. Romano wouldn’t know; he’d never seen one of his shows and he didn’t plan to do so any time in the foreseeable future. Sometimes, in his weaker moments, Romano considered giving in and going to Spain’s stupid show, but then he forced himself to remember the utter betrayal of that day when Spain had met Italy and he would tear the tickets up with renewed hatred. If that asshole ever showed his face in front of Romano again, he was going to beat the crap out of him, no questions asked.
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I really hope they can get together without Spain being sent to jail or Romano being fired.
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I'm really glad you gave a background to Spain's love towards Romano. Love how you describe his insecurities in this one. Still waiting for why Spain decided to steal diamonds, though! :D
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El Apasionado Caballero could have easily let Romano die last night, and the detective couldn’t understand for the life of him why he hadn’t done so. If Romano captured him and put him in jail, El Apasionado Caballero’s life would be seriously messed up. He wouldn’t get a life-time sentence, especially since he had never attempted to injure anyone or even carried a weapon of any kind, but because of the serial nature of his crimes and the value of the items he stole, he would spend at least several years in prison for it. Even after he was released from jail, the repercussions would follow him for life. Why would El Apasionado Caballero not take the chance to get rid of the person who intended to see that he got what he had coming to him?
On top of that, he hadn’t seemed the least bit upset over losing the diamond he had put himself on the line in order to steal. He had even called it worthless in comparison to Romano. Romano couldn’t imagine what would drive a criminal, of all people, to act this way. When he had asked El Apasionado Caballero why he had done it, his answer had been “I love you, Romano. I can’t bear the thought of anything happening to you.” (The fact that he remembered El Apasionado Caballero’s exact words in that instance had nothing to do with him liking what he had heard and everything to do with his finely honed skill as a detective.)
Romano supposed he could have understood if the thief had said he’d done it because he didn’t want a person’s death on his conscience. He would also have understood if El Apasionado Caballero thought so little of him as a detective (because if he was honest with himself, his track record on this particular case was not that impressive) that he wished to keep Romano in his place as head of his case so that no one who posed a real threat would take up the position instead. But the answer he had received had thrown him into deep uncertainty about what he had thought he’d known for sure.
The detective had long ago learned not to be swayed by pretty words, but when accompanied by such an undeniably selfless act, he was almost kind of tempted to wonder whether there might have been some truth to what El Apasionado Caballero had said. Actually, his real purpose in asking Italy to come over today was to discuss with him what had happened in hopes of getting his thoughts on the matter. Italy may have been an airhead, but he was a lot more confident when it came to matters of the heart. Romano’s heart was uninvolved in this particular matter, of course, but that was beside the point.
Romano knew that he wouldn’t have been able to discuss things of this nature as openly as he wished he could, even if Italy was his brother, but he might have been able to express his problem somehow. If only dumb ass Spain and that damn potato bastard hadn’t interfered, he might be feeling a little less crappy right now. Not only that, but maybe he did kind of feel bad about hurting Italy’s feelings like that.
The detective sighed and flopped down onto his bed, irritable and shaken. Why did that bastard of a thief have to keep screwing with his head? Why couldn’t he just go away and leave Romano to his refreshingly simple, albeit depressing worldview? Romano wriggled back under the covers and curled in on himself, even though it was only eleven in the morning. Perhaps he would take an early siesta today.
******
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Not only that, but El Apasionado Caballero said that he was planning to strike that very night, not even bothering to give him the usual one day’s notice. Tonight, October 11th, I will steal the statue of Cupid from the Chiarina City Art Museum at 8:30 PM. Love, El Apasionado Caballero. Romano couldn’t help wondering if there was some special reason that the thief was pilfering again so soon, but he couldn’t really think of anything that made sense.
He supposed motive wasn’t really important now; he needed to focus instead on which of his brilliant plans of attack he would use tonight. Romano always kept a number of traps stockpiled because of El Apasionado Caballero’s tendency to strike on short notice. All of them were ingenious, but he was going to pull out the big guns tonight. He was going to dress up like the Cupid statue and fool El Apasionado Caballero into thinking he was the real thing. Then, when El Apasionado Caballero came close to try to steal him, he would slap the handcuffs on him. It was fool proof!
Romano wolfed down the remainder of his toast and hurried out the door, heading for the Chiarina City Art Museum to see what kind of materials he would need for the costume.
******
Romano shifted uncomfortably, glancing down at the flimsy strip of cloth curled around his waist one more time to make absolutely certain that it was covering everything. This plan seemed less appealing with each passing minute. When he had come to look at the statue that morning to see what kind of costume he would need to make, Romano had been a bit dismayed to find that the only clothing Cupid wore was a flowing strip of cloth that just barely obscured his man bits from view.
Romano had had reservations from the start about exposing himself that way, but the plan was so brilliant, so perfect in every way, that he hadn’t been able to bring himself to abandon it. If he couldn’t catch El Apasionado Caballero this way, then the man was too elusive for anything and anyone. And Romano had been quite a bit more confident in his own physique that morning, before he’d actually seen himself in the costume. Hadn’t his abs been a little more defined when he’d seen them in the bathroom mirror after his morning shower? Had his legs always been this scrawny?
To make matters worse, now all his coworkers were staring at him as well. Romano, who was already beet red, reddened even further. He couldn’t really yell at them for staring because he had to know that he was convincing enough to fool El Apasionado Caballero, but man was this awkward. Romano was sure that he could feel a draft on his butt and the French officer looked like he was enjoying this far too much. He shivered; it was rather cold with so little clothing.
“Er, I don’t mean to discourage you, but are you sure this will work?” Officer Germany asked. “For one thing, the original statue is made of white stone, and you’re clearly not…”
“Hey, when I want your opinion, wurst dick, I’ll ask for it,” Romano growled. “Anyway, that guy’s almost as much of a moron as you, so I’ll have no trouble fooling him even if I don’t look exactly like the original.”
“I’m sorry, Detective Vargas, but I have to agree with Germany,” Finland said. “Even the most inattentive person is bound to notice something like that. Why don’t you put your clothes back on and we’ll just surround the statue so he can’t get near it? You’ll catch cold like that!”
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Several of the officers, including Germany and Finland, sighed reluctantly and dragged their feet as they went to do as they were told. Romano glanced up at the clock on the wall and saw that there were only three minutes until El Apasionado Caballero was supposed to show up. He decided it was probably wise if he spent that time putting up his mental defenses against the inevitable flamenco music and the way El Apasionado Caballero’s eyes would undoubtedly fix hungrily upon him (because the thief was a pervert and reacted that way to every scantily clad thing he saw, not because he would know that it was Romano standing before him). If El Apasionado Caballero put another one of those creepy pervert spells on him and he had a below-the-waist reaction, the skimpy little piece of cloth wouldn’t be enough to cover everything. Romano was starting to feel a tad light-headed from blushing so hard.
Three minutes dragged by like frozen molasses. Romano adjusted his strap-on angel wings nervously, and double checked that he hadn’t dropped his handcuffs, even though they were pressed under his arm where he could easily feel them. Suddenly there was a soft scraping and creaking sound from somewhere overhead. Romano’s eyes strained through the darkness, trying to see what was causing the sound, but it was over before he could determine its source and something was being lowered to the floor from high up on the wall opposite him, carefully and using a rope.
It wasn’t until a familiar dark figure leapt out of the small space he had just and landed gracefully on the ground that Romano realized that the sound had been made when El Apasionado Caballero unscrewed the covering on the vent. He swallowed hard and ordered his body not to tremble or sweat or blush or anything else that might give him away. Currently he was doing all three.
That was when El Apasionado Caballero began to play his introductory music on his guitar. Romano had never actually witnessed him playing before; he had always played the music and then made his appearance. The detective had only his imagination to provide images of what El Apasionado Caballero might look like as he strummed his instrument. But seeing the real thing revealed that Romano’s imagination was underperforming.
El Apasionado Caballero swayed gently to the music, his head tilted back a bit, a large, confident smile on his face. Romano swallowed hard as he watched nimble, gloved fingers danced across the strings. When Romano saw him play that guitar so expertly, he couldn’t help wondering where else those talented fingers might be able to produce satisfying results. He bit back a curse as he realized that he had already been placed under El Apasionado Caballero’s pervert spell. A hurried glanced down at the growing bulge in the cloth around his waist confirmed this.
Before Romano could even attempt to do anything to fix his body’s humiliating reaction, the introductory song was over.
“It’s awfully quiet again tonight,” El Apasionado Caballero commented. “I wonder if maybe my cute little tomato couldn’t finish all his preparations to meet me tonight on such short notice…”
Oh, ye of little faith. Didn’t El Apasionado Caballero know better than to doubt Romano’s quick prep abilities by now? Romano almost scoffed aloud but caught himself just in time.
“Maybe I could wait a bit in case he’s running a little late,” El Apasionado Caballero mused. “I wanted to eat my churros anyway.”
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Romano decided that he had been giving the idiot thief way too much credit by wondering if he knew what was happening. He was cold and uncomfortable and his muscles were starting to tire from holding this unnatural pose; it was time to nudge the thief into action. Romano cleared his throat quietly to get his attention.
It seemed that El Apasionado Caballero was unable to hear him over his own munching and crunching because the sound didn’t even cause him to bat an eye. So Romano cleared his throat a bit louder. There was still no response. Romano coughed as loudly as he could without hurting himself, and finally the idiot thief stopped stuffing his face and looked around curiously.
“That’s strange…” he mumbled. “I could have sworn I heard someone cough just now…”
That was when El Apasionado Caballero’s eyes fell on the statue that he was meant to be targeting and, though Romano couldn’t see because of the partial darkness and the mask over the thief’s face, went wide and round as fifty-cent pieces. Romano could feel his cheeks heating up again as El Apasionado Caballero stepped forward hesitantly, fingers raised in wonder as he neared his target. Suddenly he was beginning to have his doubts about whether this had been as crafty a plan as he had initially thought.
El Apasionado Caballero finally stopped, almost nose to nose with Romano. The detective swallowed thickly and tried to order his body to stop reacting to this closeness so noticeably. His heart was pounding so loudly against his ribcage that he feared El Apasionado Caballero could hear it. It didn’t help in the slightest when the thief’s eyes raked over him, scrutinizing him intently, pausing on the bulge in the cloth around his waist.
Romano might have been able to deal with all of this somehow if El Apasionado Caballero hadn’t proceeded to reach out and touch him. He felt his already pounding heart go into overdrive when gentle gloved fingers reached up and touched his cheek softly. Before he could stop himself, Romano’s eyes squeezed shut when El Apasionado Caballero’s fingers traced lightly down the side of his neck, across his collarbone, down his chest, over his nipple, along his ribs, all the way to the curves of his hipbone.
Romano let out an involuntary shuddering breath, wondering if El Apasionado Caballero would continue past the strip of cloth around his waist. His erection was growing more pronounced and he was almost certain that El Apasionado Caballero would be able to see something he shouldn’t. El Apasionado Caballero, for his part, didn’t look nervous or uncomfortable at all. He just continued to stare at Romano reverently, his hand leaving Romano’s waist and coming up instead to run along his arms and wings.
“This… this is the most beautiful artwork I’ve ever seen,” the thief breathed, and there was a twinkle in his eye that said he knew that the thing he was looking at was no sculpture.
If Romano had been capable of reddening any further than he already had, he would have done so upon hearing the sincerity in his voice. He’s messing with me, Romano told himself. He knows it’s me and now he’s just screwing with my head. Well Romano wasn’t going to stand for that. He’d posed in this ridiculous getup for long enough. It was time to make his arrest. Trying to move so quickly that El Apasionado Caballero wouldn’t have time to react, Romano dropped his bow and arrow and began to reach under his arm for the handcuffs he had been concealing there.
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Romano looked down at himself and gave a rather unmanly squeak when he realized that the flimsy piece of cloth had slipped from around his waist and was now curled pointlessly around his stomach. He curled himself into a ball, covering his exposed body the best that he could and aimed a punch at El Apasionado Caballero’s face.
“Kidnapping!” Romano screeched. “Pervert! Molestation! Dammit, get your fucking asses in here and save me, you useless bastards!”
But this time, El Apasionado Caballero wasn’t wasting any time trying to show off for anyone. He was obviously intent on making a serious getaway for once. By the time the officers began spilling into the room, El Apasionado Caballero had already shot his grappling hook onto the ledge of a high-up window and was halfway out it and into the surrounding trees.
Meanwhile, Romano was clutching onto El Apasionado Caballero’s suit coat as tightly as he could, hiding his face in the crook of the thief’s neck. He had never been especially fond of heights, but the fact that they were moving so quickly through the trees absolutely terrified him. Romano didn’t trust El Apasionado Caballero not to drop him or run into something.
“S-stop, you bastard,” he sobbed. “I’ll…I’ll h-head-butt you!”
“Sorry, Romano, but I can’t stop now,” El Apasionado Caballero said sympathetically. “There’s still one stubborn officer on our tail and I need to talk to you.”
Someone had been able to keep up with El Apasionado Caballero’s breakneck speed? Romano couldn’t help being deeply surprised. The officers who accompanied him on these jobs had never been any help before. Who was suddenly making himself useful? Romano took a deep breath and peered over El Apasionado Caballero’s shoulder.
Germany was following them on the ground, weaving through the trees with a speed and agility that Romano would never have expected from someone so fat and ugly. Romano’s heart sank. Naturally, he wanted to be saved from whatever unpleasantness El Apasionado Caballero had in store for him, but that didn’t mean he wanted that stinky potato bastard to be the one to do it. He didn’t think his pride would have been able to survive such a blow.
To Romano’s terror, El Apasionado Caballero chose that moment to put on an even greater burst of speed. If Romano hadn’t been so busy sobbing in fear into the thief’s chest, he would have seen Germany falling farther and farther behind. When El Apasionado Caballero was confident that he had lost him, he began to slow down and finally dropped down from the trees and into a clearing. He set Romano carefully on the ground, panting. Romano was so relieved that they weren’t hurtling through the trees anymore that he just curled up on the ground, shivering.
“You ok, my little tomato?” El Apasionado Caballero asked softly, crouching at his side and stroking his hair comfortingly once he had caught his breath. “I’m sorry if that scared you.”
“Damn r-right it did, y-you bastard,” Romano sniffled. “What if you’d d-dropped me, asshole?”
“I would never drop you, Romano,” he assured him. “I was holding on as tight as I could.”
When Romano continued to shiver, El Apasionado Caballero unbuttoned his fancy jacket and helped him into it. The detective couldn’t help being surprised by this. He knew what a pervert the thief was; he was sure that El Apasionado Caballero would have wanted to keep him wearing as little as possible as long as possible. El Apasionado Caballero tried to pull him into his arms, but Romano swatted him away, albeit more weakly than he had intended to do. The thief sighed in disappointment, and gave Romano a little time to collect himself before he began to speak again.
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Romano started and looked up at him in shock. “That… that’s why you dragged my ass all the way out here? Because of that?”
El Apasionado Caballero smiled sheepishly and rubbed the back of his head. “Well, yeah. I was really anxious to hear your answer, so I thought I would set up another caper tonight. I wondered if I should give you some more time, but I was too excited to wait any longer.”
Romano blushed and looked down at his bare feet. “That’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.”
El Apasionado Caballero shrugged. “People often tell me that I’m recklessly burning with passion. That’s actually part of how I chose my thief name. Pretty cool, don’t you think?”
“Moron,” Romano mumbled half-heartedly. “What the hell kind of reply is that?”
An awkward silence descended upon them. El Apasionado Caballero watched Romano expectantly and Romano shuffled uncomfortably under his gaze. He wanted more than anything to say “Don’t be such a dumb ass; a detective can’t love a thief. And anyway, you piss me off so get out of my face”, but for some reason, the words wouldn’t come out.
“So, um, what do you think?” El Apasionado Caballero asked finally.
Romano sighed and scratched the back of his head. “Listen, because I’m only gonna say this once: I don’t believe in love, ok?”
“Eh? But why not?” El Apasionado Caballero gasped, looking heartbroken.
The detective kicked uneasily at some of the dead leaves underfoot. He didn’t want to talk about this, especially not with this bastard of all people. But suddenly, he felt his lips moving and words spilling out and he couldn’t stop himself from replying.
“I used to think it was real, back when I was a naïve kid, but there were some people I thought I didn’t hate and they stabbed me in the back and went for my brother instead. They acted like they wanted me but really they just wanted him. Even… even my parents preferred him. Anyway, the whole love thing is a bunch of bullshit and I don’t even know why I’m telling this to you, because you’d probably do the same thing if you met my brother and your stupid face pisses me off.”
El Apasionado Caballero was silent for a moment, frozen and motionless, and for a split second, Romano wondered if he’d broken him somehow. Then something slid down from beneath the thief’s mask and dripped from his chin, pattering softly on the dirt and leaves. It took Romano a moment to realize that it had been a tear, and that there were a whole lot more where that had come from. The detective was bewildered.
“Wh-what the hell are you crying for?” he demanded.
“Romano… I had no idea, you… That’s… that’s so sad! Poor Romano! Now I understand why you… Oh, Romano! I’m so, so sorry!”
El Apasionado Caballero threw his arms around Romano in a bear hug, squishing the air right out of him.
“Let go, you bastard! I can’t breathe!” Romano choked. “And you’re not making any fucking sense! Why the hell are you apologizing? Quit crying! It’s creepy!”
“Romano, my sweet little tomato,” El Apasionado Caballero sniffled. “I’ve always loved you and only you with all of my heart! There’s never been anyone else since the first time I met you!”
The stupid thing was that Romano could feel his own eyes starting to tear up again. What the hell was wrong with him? He didn’t even care about this idiot at all! And why did his stomach and chest feel so weird?
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The thief sniffled and pulled away from him slightly, took a handkerchief from his pocket and gently dried Romano’s tears, then turned his back so he could life his mask and his own.
“What can I do to convince you?” El Apasionado Caballero asked. “I’ll prove my love for you is real! Name anything you want and I’ll do it!”
Romano was silent. “Whether love is real or not, which it’s not, I don’t give a shit about you. Go away,” was what his mind was screaming at him to say. His heart was pounding and his stomach felt sick. He just wanted to go home and pretend none of this had ever happened but his feet wouldn’t move. Perhaps he would just ask for something outrageous. Then El Apasionado Caballero wouldn’t be able to do it, Romano’s disbelief in love would be reaffirmed and he could stop feeling so confused over all of this.
“Fine then,” Romano said finally. “If you love me, then take off your mask and show me who you are.”
El Apasionado Caballero looked startled. “T-take off my mask?”
“Trust is part of love, right?” Romano demanded. “You can’t say you love me unless you’d trust me with something important, like your identity.”
El Apasionado Caballero wanted to take it off; he really did. He just couldn’t. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Romano, it was that he was afraid of what Romano’s reaction would be when he found out who he was. He hadn’t managed to begin to mend Romano’s hard feelings toward his true identity yet, and unmasking himself prematurely could permanently ruin any chance he had with him. Then again, if he refused, Romano would count that as more evidence toward his belief that there was no such thing as love. El Apasionado Caballero knew he needed to tread carefully here.
“Sorry, Romano, but can I have a little more time? I don’t think the time is quite right yet.”
Romano’s face contorted into an expression of hurt covered over by anger, though there was no surprise in his gaze. “I knew you wouldn’t do it. You’re so full of shit.”
“I’m not saying I won’t do it,” El Apasionado Caballero said hurriedly. “There are just a few things I have to take care of first. Then I promise I will reveal my identity to you. Please be patient, ok, my sweet little tomato?”
“Whatever,” Romano mumbled. “I don’t care.”
******
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“Whatever. I don’t care.”
That was Romano’s voice, no doubt about it. It was coming from nearby. Yes, there they were; he could see them now. One figure obviously belonged to Romano, and a closer look confirmed that he was with the thief. Strangely, Romano seemed to be making no effort to get away. Maybe El Apasionado Caballero was using some sort of intimidation tactic to get him to stay put? But Romano’s voice hadn’t sounded frightened…
Germany crept through the crunchy dead leaves as quietly as he could, intending to listen and watch so that he could get a better understanding of what was going on. When he thought he was close enough, the blond officer hid himself behind a tree and peeked around the side, watching them. Then he saw something that shocked him. El Apasionado Caballero leaned forward and kissed Romano on the cheek.
“I love you, Romano,” he said softly. “I’ll prove it to you soon enough.”
Germany’s mouth fell open. This was the last kind of thing he’d expected to walk in on. Did this mean that they were in cahoots? Was it possible that Romano had been allowing the thief to escape all this time on purpose?
Germany could hardly imagine that it could be true. Romano had seemed to genuinely want to catch him, and he didn’t strike Germany as the type of guy who would be very good at putting up a front. Perhaps he was misunderstanding the situation. He needed to see what Romano’s reaction would be before he drew any conclusions. This was his beloved Italy’s brother after all, and even if Romano was hot-tempered and rude, Germany wanted to believe that he wasn’t corrupt.
“Hmph. I’m waiting, you bastard. N-not that I care or anything! It just makes my life a lot less complicated when I know I’m right!”
Germany’s jaw dropped. The Romano he thought he knew would have punched the thief for pulling something like that, but he had sounded almost hopeful just now. Germany rubbed a hand over his face wearily, having a feeling that this moral dilemma was going to keep him awake tonight.
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“Romano… I’m so glad you’re home and that you answered the door!” Spain said, sound slightly breathless. “I was kind of worried you’d ignore me again!”
Romano, who wasn’t feeling especially well that day, simply stared at him blankly, his brain struggling to decide on the best course of action. His instinct was to slam the door in his face, but something gave him pause as he took in Spain’s appearance for the first time in so long. He had never really thought about it before, but Spain kind of looked like El Apasionado Caballero. They had the same general build, the hair style and color was similar, even their eyes were almost the same color. Huh, what a weird coincidence.
“…What the hell do you want?” Romano asked grumpily. He’d tried to put more snarl in his voice, but his throat was sore and it had come out just sounding sort of sullen.
“I just wanted to talk to you a little,” Spain said. “Maybe we could go inside?”
“No way, I know what’ll happen if I let you in,” Romano scoffed. “You’ll refuse to leave unless I call the cops on your stupid ass. Actually, I don’t wanna see that fucking idiotic face of yours at all. Looking at it is making me sick.”
Romano began to close the door, but Spain stuck his foot in the way, blocking it. The detective tried to kick him in the shin hard enough so that he would pull it away in pain, but Spain was determined.
“Wait! Please, Romano, just hear me out! I’m not interested in Ita!”
“The fuck you’re not! You said it right in front of me! Did you think I was deaf and wouldn’t hear it?! Now get your damn foot out of the door or I’ll break it!”
“I just said he was cute! That doesn’t mean I prefer him! You’re a thousand times cuter, Romano! A million times cuter! I love you more than anyone else in the world!”
Those final words caused Romano to freeze. Was it his mind playing tricks on him, or were those the exact words El Apasionado Caballero had said to him last night?
“What… was that last thing you just said?” Romano asked.
“Um… I love you more than anyone else in the world?” Spain repeated, looking as though he was kind of afraid he’d said something wrong.
Romano stared at him long and hard. He had heard correctly the first time; those were, without a doubt, the exact same words he had heard from El Apasionado Caballero. What did this mean? Did they know each other? Had Spain followed him on the job and heard him say it, gotten jealous and was now trying to sway him with the enemy’s words? Then again, it wasn’t a particularly unusual turn of phrase. Perhaps it was just another coincidence.
“What, so you think you can just say some nice words and I’ll fall into your arms?” Romano sniffed. “Think again, dumb ass. If you expect me to believe it, I gotta see proof. Not that it’ll make any difference now; I’ve got so many people beating down my door to prove their love for me, I don’t have time for stupid bastards who already ruined their chances. Now go away; I’m busy.”
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“What kind of proof do you want?” Spain asked. “Please, Romanito. I’ll do anything.”
“How the hell should I know?” Romano griped. “If you really give a shit about me, I’m sure you’ll think of something.”
With that, Romano pushed Spain’s foot out of the way and slammed the door in his face. Spain blinked at the off-white barrier that now separated him and his true love for a moment before it swung open again. Romano snatched the wine and chocolate from him and slammed the door once more. Spain didn’t know what to make of this. He couldn’t say that that confrontation had gone especially well, but he hadn’t really expected it to.
Actually, it had gone better than he had expected. He had at least been able to get a few words in before Romano shut the door on him. Not only that, but Romano had accepted his gifts, hadn’t completely shut him down and though Spain had taken a risk by repeating what he had said last night as El Apasionado Caballero, Romano hadn’t seemed all that suspicious of him. Could he take this to mean that he was victorious? Filled with renewed hope, Spain got back into his car, whistling a happy tune.
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On the day that Romano received El Apasionado Caballero’s next calling card a week later, he had had every intention of staying home from work. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt so awful; perhaps it hadn’t been since he’d broken his leg saving Spain’s sorry ass. The thermometer beeped, signaling that it had gotten a read on his temperature, and he took it out of his mouth to stare at it blearily. Thirty-nine degrees Celsius (approx. 102 degrees Fahrenheit); no wonder he felt like shit.
Romano snatched a tissue from the box on his bedside table and muffled what felt like his hundredth sneeze since he’d awoken half an hour ago. He was no doctor, but he was pretty sure he had the flu. Such was his misery that he could hardly even appreciate the fact that he had a legitimate reason to skip work. Romano coughed and groped around on the table for his cell phone so that he could call himself in sick.
He had just selected the number from speed dial and brought the phone up to his ear when a man’s voice, apparently a recording, began to speak to him. Romano didn’t even realize who that voice belonged to until the man identified himself at the end of the recording.
“I will be stealing the necklace of Queen Alexandria IV from the Chiarina City Exhibition Hall tonight at 9. Love, El Apasionado Caballero.”
Then the phone began to ring, connecting him to the number he had originally dialed. If he’d had the presence of mind, he would have voiced his disgust that it was Officer France who answered (even though he’d called England’s secretary, Seychelles), but as it was, it took Romano a full second or so to even remember why he’d called.
“Hello, is anyone there?” Apparently Romano was breathing heavily into the phone while he tried to gather his thoughts because France’s next line was “If you called for phone sex, you’ll have to call back at my personal number. As much as the idea of doing it at work in front of my boss’s office excites me, I do value my job.”
Romano was so run down that he didn’t even have the energy to snap at France to die in a fire for that disgusting comment.
“It’s Detective Vargas,” he croaked. “I feel like shit so I’m not coming to work today.”
“I’m honestly sorry to hear that,” France said. “It’s a lot more difficult to reconstruct your delectable appearance in that Cupid costume from last week in my mind without you standing in front of me. I suppose I shall just have to jerk off under my desk to something else today.”
“There was something else…” Romano continued, hardly having heard France’s comment over the throbbing of his own head. “What was it…?”
“Eh…? You’re… you’re really going to let that go without cussing me out?” France asked in genuine surprise. “Hey, are you ok? You’re not dying, are you?”
“I might be.” Romano sneezed again and blew his nose. “Ugh, fucking flu…”
“Wait right there; Big Brother will come over and take care of you,” France offered, a sly tone in his voice.
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