Catch You, Catch Me (2e/5?)
anonymous
January 22 2011, 03:20:00 UTC
The detective gaped, so full of conflicting emotions that he didn’t know what else to do besides stare, his mouth hanging open like an idiot. El Apasionado Caballero laughed, reached out and threaded gloved fingers into Romano’s bangs, ruffling his hair affectionately. Unfortunately for him, his hand grazed a certain curl and Romano’s face went scarlet again. The detective head-butted him hard in the stomach, sending him flying. El Apasionado Caballero cried out in pain, rubbing his bruised ribs.
“F-fucking pervert!” Romano screamed. “Hey, you shitty officers! The damn trap failed so get in here and help me catch him!”
“Oops, time to go!” the thief commented.
El Apasionado Caballero was already making for the exit, Romano hot on his trail as the other officers flooded into the room. It seemed that the thief wasn’t going to try for another smoke bomb exit and Romano was grateful for that. El Apasionado Caballero darted into the woods behind the museum, weaving wildly back and forth between the trees in hopes of losing the officers who were following him.
Some of the less fit officers were dropping away as they ran out of energy, but Romano wasn’t about to let him go. He purposely didn’t let on when he could help it, but he could run quite fast when it suited him. El Apasionado Caballero glanced back over his shoulder to see who was still behind him and grinned happily when he saw that only Romano was still on his tail.
That moment of distraction almost cost El Apasionado Caballero his life. He skidded to a halt just in time to avoid running right off a cliff. In his shock over almost having died, the Faith Diamond slipped from his fingers. Romano’s mouth fell open in a silent scream as he watched the diamond tumble over the edge of the cliff, moving as if it was falling in slow motion.
“Dumb ass!” he roared, launching himself forward and making a desperate snatch for it.
He overbalanced, missing the diamond and tumbled over the edge.
“ROMANO!!” El Apasionado Caballero screamed, dropping to his knees and peering over the brink. The detective was clutching a protruding tree branch for dear life.
“D-don’t just stand there, you b-b-bastard!” Romano sniffled, his eyes filling with terrified tears, his bottom lip trembling. “S-save me!”
El Apasionado Caballero was just extending Romano his hand when a little twinkle in the leaves of the tree branch that was keeping Romano from plunging to his death caught his eye. The diamond was caught in the foliage. El Apasionado Caballero shook his head minutely. The moment Romano released the branch, the diamond would be flung into oblivion, but he wasn’t about to risk Romano slipping just for a shiny rock.
El Apasionado Caballero pulled Romano up and into his arms, hugging him like his life depended on it. Romano was so petrified that he just trembled in El Apasionado Caballero’s arms, tears of relief spilling down his cheeks.
“Don’t ever do anything like that again!” El Apasionado Caballero scolded, shaking Romano. “You could have died!”
“Wh-what do you care?” Romano mumbled, blushing as he wiped his eyes on his sleeve. “I’m trying to put you in jail, moron. You should want me out of the way… Anyway, the diamond-”
“Is worthless to me compared to you! There are thousands, maybe millions of diamonds in this world but there’s only one sweet little Romano tomato!”
Catch You, Catch Me (2f/5?)
anonymous
January 22 2011, 03:24:31 UTC
Romano’s face burned, his teary amber eyes wide with surprise and confusion. No one had ever told him he was more valuable than a diamond before. Not that he was happy to hear it from this stupid thief! He’d rather hear it from almost anyone else, but the one time someone finally told him that he mattered to them and it was someone he hated. Romano let his forehead fall onto El Apasionado Caballero’s shoulder in disappointment, his lips curling upward at the corners slight in a frustrated grimace.
“I love you, Romano,” El Apasionado Caballero whispered, “I can’t bear the thought of anything happening to you. Promise you’ll never do something reckless like that ever again.”
Romano blushed, but only because he was so shocked and disgusted to be hearing those words from another man. “S-stupid… I don’t wanna hear that from you. And don’t throw those words around so lightly... If I…” he paused, swallowing hard around the lump in his throat, “if I actually gave a shit about you I’d be pissed beyond belief if you were j… just making shit up.”
“I mean it,” El Apasionado Caballero assured him. “With all my heart.”
Romano’s stomach felt strange again. His chest felt weird, too. Maybe stupid jerk El Apasionado Caballero had put another spell on him.
“A-anyway, shut up and get your perverted hands off me or I’ll head-butt you again,” he mumbled. Romano didn’t pull away himself, but only because he was so drained after almost dying.
El Apasionado Caballero released him hurriedly; his ribs still hurt from the last head-butt. Romano hurriedly turned his back on him so that he wouldn’t see the color in his cheeks and get the wrong idea.
“I guess you’re gonna arrest me now, huh?” El Apasionado Caballero sighed. “I don’t really feel like running anymore.”
He held out his wrists, waiting for Romano to slap the handcuffs on him. Romano didn’t turn around, but he mumbled something that El Apasionado Caballero couldn’t hear.
“Eh?”
“I said… I don’t wanna look at your stupid face anymore. G-get out of here.”
“You mean it, Romano?”
“I… I owe you for pulling me up just now… If it’d been any other thief I’d been chasing they probably would’ve let me fall…”
“Oh, Romano, thank you! That’s so sweet! I knew you wouldn’t really put me in jail!”
“Sh-shut up or I’ll head-butt you again, you bastard! I just don’t wanna be in the debt of any shitty thief!”
“Ok, ok, I’m going!”
El Apasionado Caballero smiled softly at him before turning around and starting to walk away. Then he paused and looked back at him over his shoulder.
“Better luck next time, my little tomato,” he said.
Romano whirled around furiously. “Don’t you dare say that fucking line to me! I’m letting you go, asswipe!”
“But I have to say it!” El Apasionado Caballero insisted. “It’s my suave exit line! Every gentleman thief needs a suave exit line! Maybe you don’t understand because you’re a detective, but…”
El Apasionado Caballero’s words were sharply cut off by a head-butt to the back.
Re: Catch You, Catch Me (2f/5?)
anonymous
January 22 2011, 04:06:59 UTC
Ohmygosh, when you first expressed interest in writing this (with the roles switched), I got so freaking excited, I started stalking this request. It took a while for me to actually comment, but this fill is freaking AMAZING!
I can't wait until you post more! Romano as a fail!detective is brilliant. You write his character very well, with his shifting the blame of something toward somebody else, and his confidence in his repetitive schemes, and his easily distracted, somewhat emotional nature. . . I love how you portray his feelings regarding 'El Apasionado Caballero.' He's attracted to him (lovelovelove Romano's dream and the events after, where he thinks about the possibility that Spain had seen it) but trying and failing to hide it. And that one scene, where he's basically about to die and he asks for Spain to help him was just so in-character and so beautiful. . .
You characterize El Apasionado Caballero (haha, I totally just copy-paste the name whenever it comes up XD) so well, too. He's silly in that completely oblivious-Spain way, but he's also competent. The relationship he has with Romano is interesting, and I'm really liking how you're fleshing it out. Particularly in this scene, where he saves Romano instead of the diamond.
The humor in this is awesome, too. The bars on the cage are skinny enough for Spain to squeeze through. Romano's fail!team of police who never show up until he calls them. The fact that Romano's using a cage in the first place. I freaking love this! Normally, humor either slides right past me or tries too hard, but this! This is the perfect balance of cute, fluff, romance, action (I love the way you write these scenes by the way), and everything.
Sorry if this is too incoherent and ramble-y; I'm just so excited about this fill! ^^
Re: Catch You, Catch Me (2f/5?)
anonymous
January 22 2011, 04:16:14 UTC
This is seriously just so awesome. Hilarious and adorable and I love how you've got Romano so dumbly oblivious and Spain not even trying to hide his desire to impress him and, oh man, it is just wonderful.
Catch You, Catch Me (3a/6?)
anonymous
January 22 2011, 20:07:22 UTC
The day after Romano let El Apasionado Caballero was a Saturday, and there were no words to describe how grateful he was for that. Saturday meant that he didn’t have to go in to work, which meant that he could put of having to listen to his boss scold him again for failing to capture El Apasionado Caballero again.
Romano’s boss, a man by the name of England, was strict and quick-tempered. For some reason, when he found himself face-to-face with England, he became a nervous, quivering mess who could only squeak out timid replies to his boss’s snarled questions and accusations. Actually, Romano knew exactly why England had this effect on him; the man was terrifying. The less he had to do with him, Romano thought, the better, but he had been finding himself in England’s office more and more lately.
But that could be put off until Monday. Until then, Romano had two full days to do as he pleased, provided that El Apasionado Caballero didn’t screw that up by sending a calling card for Saturday or Sunday. Today, Romano decided that he’d spend some time with his little brother. He had called him up and hinted in the most obvious way that he could without completely tossing his pride out the window that he wouldn’t hate the idea of his brother coming over with some pastries and cappuccino from his shop for them to share at Romano’s place.
The detective’s younger brother, Italy, owned a quaint little café a block away from the police station. Thanks to his location and outstanding cooking abilities (which he had inherited from Romano), he did a roaring trade with police officers, who liked going there on their breaks. Unfortunately for Romano, this also meant that Italy, who had always been naïve and a bit weak in the head, was frequently exposed to the lowlifes that Romano had the misfortune to call co-workers. In particular, it had allowed Italy to meet a certain potato bastard.
The two of them seemed to be trying to keep it on the down-low, but Romano knew for a fact that they were dating. He had gone to his brother’s café one day for lunch, walked around the counter to help himself like he always did, found the two of them making out in the back room and promptly lost his appetite. Romano knew instantly that they were terrible for each other and had devoted a great deal of time and energy to getting them to realize this, but both of them were so hopelessly thick-headed that he might as well have been talking to rocks.
Romano’s doorbell rang and he got up to let his brother inside. As expected, Italy greeted him with a big dopey smile, a bag of pastries in one hand and a cardboard drink-holder with some envelopes nestled between the cups in the other.
“Good morning, Brother! Thanks for inviting me over!” he chirped.
“Yeah, yeah, just come in already,” Romano grunted, waving him inside and taking the drink-holder from him. “What’re these?” He indicated the envelopes.
“Oh, the mailman was dropping off the mail when I pulled up so I thought I’d bring it in for you.”
Romano led the way into the kitchen and set down the drinks so that he could look over the mail. He gave each bill a derisive snort and tossed it carelessly over his shoulder. When he was finished, Romano was left with only one envelope. This particular one was addressed in handwritten scrawl. Frowning, Romano tore it open. There were three items inside: two tickets to some sort of stunt and magic performance and a very brief letter.
I know you usually throw these away, but it would really mean a lot to me if you would come see my show. I’m saving your usual fourth row and center seats for you in case you change your mind! Love, Spain
Catch You, Catch Me (3b/6?)
anonymous
January 22 2011, 20:09:40 UTC
Romano’s face flushed slightly and he rolled his eyes. “Jeez, this clueless bastard just doesn’t know how to take a hint.”
“What is it, Brother?” Italy asked, taking a seat at the table and plucking his drink from the tray. “Is it Spain again?”
“Yeah,” Romano huffed. “When will that dumb ass get it through his thick skull that just because I saved him once a long time ago, doesn’t mean I want anything to do with him?”
“He comes to my café sometimes,” Italy remarked. “He’s a really nice guy. He always asks about you… You never did tell me what Spain did to make you so mad, but I think it was all just a misunderstanding. Maybe you should give him second chance?”
Romano stuck his nose in the air stubbornly. It had been a while since he had seen Spain face-to-face, but time had not dimmed his memory of the man. He remembered his cheerful demeanor, his passable looks, the way he had flirted with Romano so openly. Unlike most men that Romano met, Spain didn’t completely disgust him from the get-go (that didn’t mean he liked him, though!) and deep in his heart, Romano knew that it was partially for this reason that he was so insistent on never seeing or speaking to him again.
For a majority of Romano’s life, he had played second fiddle to his younger brother. Even his parents and grandfather had preferred Italy. Romano had had only two lovers over the course of his lifetime, and both of them had ended up leaving him because they found themselves more attracted to the younger Vargas brother.
Though Romano had done his best to put all that behind him and act as if he didn’t care, the truth was that the scars ran deep. In his darkest moments, when he was lying in bed and there was no one to put up a front for, Romano told himself that even if he found someone to whom he wanted to give his whole body and heart, that person would toss him aside for his brother and the hurt would be so deep that he would never recover. And though he would never, ever admit this to anyone, the thought terrified him so much that he pushed away anyone he thought had any sort of potential to interest him romantically.
“Are you going to see his show?” Italy asked, taking a sip of his cappuccino.
“Hell no. Didn’t I just say I’m not interested in that bastard?”
“What a waste! I heard it’s a really good show, too. It’s gotten really good reviews in all the newspapers.”
“Like I care,” Romano said dispassionately around a mouthful of blueberry tart. “Anyway, if I show up, he’ll get the wrong idea.”
“Well… if you’re not going to use them, would you mind giving the tickets to me?”
“What’re you gonna do with them?”
“Um… I thought I might take Germany to see it. It would be a fun idea for a date, don’t you think?”
Romano’s face went red with rage at the very idea. “No fucking way am I giving them to you! You know how I feel about that potato dick!”
“I think you and Germany just got off on the wrong foot!” Italy said hurriedly. “If you could just start over…”
“Don’t give me that shit; I know what he’s like! I work with that asshole! Listen to me, Veniciano, ‘cause I’m telling you this for your own good: the guy’s a loser! He’s trying to take advantage of you!”
Italy looked hurt. “Germany would never take advantage of me. He’s one of the sweetest, gentlest people I know and we’re in love. You don’t hurt someone you’re in love with.”
“There’s no such thing as love, idiot! It’s a fucking fairy tale! If that twisted jerk feels anything for you, it’s only lust! How many times do I have to say this to you before you get it?!”
Italy opened his mouth to argue, but he could see the pain smoldering in his brother’s eyes and he fell silent. Nothing he said could change Romano’s mind, not when he had been hurt so many times. He would just have to keep praying that his brother’s special someone would show up soon and prove to him that he was mistaken. Romano shoved the letter and tickets back in the envelope and crumpled it into a ball before throwing the lot into the trash.
Catch You, Catch Me (3c/6?)
anonymous
January 22 2011, 20:11:33 UTC
It was a clear spring day about a year and a half ago when Romano first met Spain. The whole thing had been sheer coincidence. Romano decided to walk to work that day rather than drive like he normally did. He had managed to get out the door unusually early which meant that he had time to be a bit more leisurely in his pace.
The detective was stopped at a corner, waiting for the light to change when he first laid eyes on Spain. Spain hadn’t seen him yet; he was too busy texting someone. Romano saw the following events as if in slow motion. A child riding his bike on the sidewalk swerved to miss a dog crossing his path, and bumped Spain, causing him to drop his phone in the street. Spain, like the moron he was, unthinkingly stepped out into on-coming traffic to retrieve it, completely overlooking the city bus that was speeding toward him.
Acting on sheer instinct, Romano darted across the street and shoved Spain out of the way just in the nick of time. Unfortunately Romano had been less lucky; the bus clipped his leg and broke it badly. The Italian had always had a rather low tolerance for pain, so he had blacked out and didn’t awake until hours later, by which time he had been taken to the hospital.
The first thing he noticed as he began to regain consciousness was the sound of someone’s shoes against the carpet, pacing restlessly. Romano moaned; there was a sickly throbbing in his leg, though it didn’t hurt. He brought a hand to his head and found that a large piece of gauze had been taped to his face. Romano didn’t have time to process much more than this, because whoever was pacing in his room had noticed that he was awake.
“Oh! You’re awake! I’m so glad!”
Romano squinted at him. His head was throbbing, too. “Who the fuck’re you?”
“I’m Spain Fernandez-Carriedo, the guy you saved from the bus,” the man chirped, looking way too energetic. “And you’re Detective Romano Vargas, my hero!”
“I know who I am, dumb ass,” Romano grumbled, too miserable to muster up the bite he would usually put in his voice. “What the hell are you doing in my room?”
“I was waiting for you to wake up so I could say thank you for saving me,” Spain explained. “I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I am! I’m just sorry you had to go and get so banged up because of it.”
“There’s always a punishment for doing something nice for someone,” Romano mumbled. “This time, there were two punishments: a broken leg and an annoying bastard in my room who won’t shut the hell up… God, I feel like I’m gonna puke.”
“The doctor said you have a minor concussion and that you might feel sick when you woke up,” Spain said, lowering his voice so as to lessen the aggravation to Romano’s poor spinning head. “Would you like some water?”
“F-fine…”
Spain hurried to pour Romano a glass of water from the pitcher that had been placed on Romano’s bedside table. Now that Spain had come closer, Romano could focus on him a bit better. Wavy dark hair, sun-kissed tan skin, lively green eyes, a body that erred on the lean and muscular side… Romano’s cheeks pinked slightly. The guy may be annoying as hell, but he certainly wasn’t the ugliest human being Romano had ever seen. Maybe it was just the concussion and worsening sick feeling in his stomach talking, though.
Spain offered Romano the glass of water just as the detective leaned over the edge of the bed and threw up on his shoes.
Catch You, Catch Me (3d/6?)
anonymous
January 22 2011, 20:14:12 UTC
Romano had been pretty sure that he would never see Spain again after his utterly humiliating performance, but Spain surprised him by showing up again the next day to visit him and pace in the waiting room while he had surgery to realign his bones after his multiple fractures. He came again the day after that and the day after that. In fact, Spain showed up to visit him for at least an hour every day the entire time Romano was recuperating.
And he brought gifts; sometimes flowers, or chocolate, or alcohol, or even full five course home-cooked meals. It was three months before Romano was completely healed and there was not a single day during that time that Spain failed to visit him and tell him how grateful he was for what Romano had done for him.
The detective didn’t know how to react to Spain. He cursed him out and told him that he was annoying and to go away several times per visit, but everything he said just slid off of Spain like water off a duck’s back. Aside from his family, no one had ever willingly put up with him for so long.
Factor in Spain’s tolerable looks, cheerful, easy-going personality, and the fact that he told Romano every day how glad he was to have met him, and Romano found his heart filled with the beginnings of worryingly tender feelings toward the man. Not love, of course (Romano wasn’t a moron or a masochist), but a disturbing lack of hatred and resentment, especially considering the fact that his leg had been broken saving this idiot.
But as Romano had learned the hard way over and over throughout his life, people could only pretend to be decent for a short amount of time before they exposed their rotten cores. He and Spain had been sitting on the couch that fateful day, watching TV, and Romano had nodded off against Spain’s shoulder. Spain, still not understanding even after the millions of times that Romano had warned him that he didn’t like being touched, thought that he could take advantage of Romano’s sleepiness to hold his hand. Well, he was lucky this time that Romano really was too tired to yell at him, but that didn’t mean he liked it.
That was when Italy showed up, a bag containing grilled sandwiches and pasta salad from his café in hand, intending to share them with his brother for dinner. Though Italy had visited Romano frequently during the time that he was recuperating, his and Spain’s visits had never coincided before. When Spain laid eyes on Italy, he stood up, leaving Romano to be startled awake by the sudden loss of support.
“Hey, are you Romano’s younger brother?” Spain asked, sounding way too interested for Romano’s liking. Warning signs were flaring up in his mind like fireworks in response to the tone of Spain’s voice. That was when Spain dropped the bomb on him. “You’re adorable! Why haven’t I met you before?”
That, to Romano’s paranoid ears, sounded like “Why have I been wasting my time with Romano when I could have had you this whole time?” And Romano flipped out. He jumped to his feet, sprinted around the couch and punched Spain in the jaw with all his might.
“Get the fuck out of my house! Both of you!” he shouted.
“Eh? Wh-what’s wrong, Brother?”
“R…Romano… why…?”
“Out! Get out right now or I’ll call the fucking cops on your asses!” Bewildered and hurt, Spain and Italy left Romano’s house, neither one of them understanding why they had just been thrown out. Once he had hurt the door slam shut, Romano hurried over to lock it, his chest heaving like he had just run a marathon. Then he slid his back down the door, dropping into a sitting position.
He didn’t care. I don’t give a shit, he told himself. Spain was a clueless idiot who never listened when he told him not to touch him or to go away, who forced his barely edible food down Romano’s throat, and wouldn’t shut up about how cute Romano was or about how much he liked him… He was only saying that stuff because I saved him. Everyone likes Veneciano better anyway. Why should stupid Spain be any different? I don’t give a shit about him. And Romano buried his face in his arms and sobbed. ******
Catch You, Catch Me (3e/6?)
anonymous
January 22 2011, 20:15:53 UTC
After that incident, Spain continued to call and knock on his door everyday but Romano ignored him. All the apology letters and gifts that Spain left on his doorstep were burned with deep satisfaction (except if he left something that looked really yummy and Romano hadn’t been to the grocery store in a while. Then he would eat it, but only with the greatest of reluctance). He had called the cops on Spain twice when he had shown up at his window at night to attempt to serenade him.
Yet Spain, ever the clueless dumb ass, still didn’t get it. He harassed Romano this way every single day until about eight months ago. After that, Spain just stopped visiting, stopped ringing the door bell, stopped leaving gifts. Romano had been grateful beyond belief. He had been starting to think that he would be stuck with Spain for the rest of his life. But Spain hadn’t given up altogether. He still sent tickets to his shows every time he had one.
Spain was a stage performer, and a very popular one at that. Apparently his stunts and magic tricks were second to none. Romano wouldn’t know; he’d never seen one of his shows and he didn’t plan to do so any time in the foreseeable future. Sometimes, in his weaker moments, Romano considered giving in and going to Spain’s stupid show, but then he forced himself to remember the utter betrayal of that day when Spain had met Italy and he would tear the tickets up with renewed hatred. If that asshole ever showed his face in front of Romano again, he was going to beat the crap out of him, no questions asked.
Re: Catch You, Catch Me (3e/6?)
anonymous
January 23 2011, 01:00:09 UTC
Awww. The scene between Romano and El Apasionado Cabarello made me squeal and smile like an idiot the entire time, but somehow, I really got sad after reading about Romano's love life. It's a shame, really. Poor thing.
I really hope they can get together without Spain being sent to jail or Romano being fired.
Re: Catch You, Catch Me (3e/6?)
anonymous
January 23 2011, 02:06:04 UTC
*new reader here*
I'm really glad you gave a background to Spain's love towards Romano. Love how you describe his insecurities in this one. Still waiting for why Spain decided to steal diamonds, though! :D
Catch You, Catch Me (4a/6?)
anonymous
January 24 2011, 21:04:00 UTC
After his outburst at Italy, Romano’s mind and heart slipped into turmoil. Their disagreement had not been the cause of his confusion and uncertainty, but it hadn’t really sunken in completely until after Italy, dejected, had left Romano’s house. Until last night’s run-in with El Apasionado Caballero, it had been Romano’s unshaken conviction that love did not exist. But then that stupid, annoying thief had gone and planted a seed of doubt in his mind.
El Apasionado Caballero could have easily let Romano die last night, and the detective couldn’t understand for the life of him why he hadn’t done so. If Romano captured him and put him in jail, El Apasionado Caballero’s life would be seriously messed up. He wouldn’t get a life-time sentence, especially since he had never attempted to injure anyone or even carried a weapon of any kind, but because of the serial nature of his crimes and the value of the items he stole, he would spend at least several years in prison for it. Even after he was released from jail, the repercussions would follow him for life. Why would El Apasionado Caballero not take the chance to get rid of the person who intended to see that he got what he had coming to him?
On top of that, he hadn’t seemed the least bit upset over losing the diamond he had put himself on the line in order to steal. He had even called it worthless in comparison to Romano. Romano couldn’t imagine what would drive a criminal, of all people, to act this way. When he had asked El Apasionado Caballero why he had done it, his answer had been “I love you, Romano. I can’t bear the thought of anything happening to you.” (The fact that he remembered El Apasionado Caballero’s exact words in that instance had nothing to do with him liking what he had heard and everything to do with his finely honed skill as a detective.)
Romano supposed he could have understood if the thief had said he’d done it because he didn’t want a person’s death on his conscience. He would also have understood if El Apasionado Caballero thought so little of him as a detective (because if he was honest with himself, his track record on this particular case was not that impressive) that he wished to keep Romano in his place as head of his case so that no one who posed a real threat would take up the position instead. But the answer he had received had thrown him into deep uncertainty about what he had thought he’d known for sure.
The detective had long ago learned not to be swayed by pretty words, but when accompanied by such an undeniably selfless act, he was almost kind of tempted to wonder whether there might have been some truth to what El Apasionado Caballero had said. Actually, his real purpose in asking Italy to come over today was to discuss with him what had happened in hopes of getting his thoughts on the matter. Italy may have been an airhead, but he was a lot more confident when it came to matters of the heart. Romano’s heart was uninvolved in this particular matter, of course, but that was beside the point.
Romano knew that he wouldn’t have been able to discuss things of this nature as openly as he wished he could, even if Italy was his brother, but he might have been able to express his problem somehow. If only dumb ass Spain and that damn potato bastard hadn’t interfered, he might be feeling a little less crappy right now. Not only that, but maybe he did kind of feel bad about hurting Italy’s feelings like that.
The detective sighed and flopped down onto his bed, irritable and shaken. Why did that bastard of a thief have to keep screwing with his head? Why couldn’t he just go away and leave Romano to his refreshingly simple, albeit depressing worldview? Romano wriggled back under the covers and curled in on himself, even though it was only eleven in the morning. Perhaps he would take an early siesta today.
Catch You, Catch Me (4b/6?)
anonymous
January 24 2011, 21:06:18 UTC
To Romano’s immense surprise, El Apasionado Caballero delivered another calling card right away on Monday. That was the shortest gap in between the thief’s warnings he had ever seen. This made it an even nastier surprise for Romano when he cracked open an egg for his breakfast on Monday morning only to have it explode in his face with a puff of smoke and confetti, the calling card drifting down to get singed in his frying pan. He had thought he would be safe from El Apasionado Caballero’s occasionally terrifying calling card booby traps for another couple of days at least.
Not only that, but El Apasionado Caballero said that he was planning to strike that very night, not even bothering to give him the usual one day’s notice. Tonight, October 11th, I will steal the statue of Cupid from the Chiarina City Art Museum at 8:30 PM. Love, El Apasionado Caballero. Romano couldn’t help wondering if there was some special reason that the thief was pilfering again so soon, but he couldn’t really think of anything that made sense.
He supposed motive wasn’t really important now; he needed to focus instead on which of his brilliant plans of attack he would use tonight. Romano always kept a number of traps stockpiled because of El Apasionado Caballero’s tendency to strike on short notice. All of them were ingenious, but he was going to pull out the big guns tonight. He was going to dress up like the Cupid statue and fool El Apasionado Caballero into thinking he was the real thing. Then, when El Apasionado Caballero came close to try to steal him, he would slap the handcuffs on him. It was fool proof!
Romano wolfed down the remainder of his toast and hurried out the door, heading for the Chiarina City Art Museum to see what kind of materials he would need for the costume.
******
Romano shifted uncomfortably, glancing down at the flimsy strip of cloth curled around his waist one more time to make absolutely certain that it was covering everything. This plan seemed less appealing with each passing minute. When he had come to look at the statue that morning to see what kind of costume he would need to make, Romano had been a bit dismayed to find that the only clothing Cupid wore was a flowing strip of cloth that just barely obscured his man bits from view.
Romano had had reservations from the start about exposing himself that way, but the plan was so brilliant, so perfect in every way, that he hadn’t been able to bring himself to abandon it. If he couldn’t catch El Apasionado Caballero this way, then the man was too elusive for anything and anyone. And Romano had been quite a bit more confident in his own physique that morning, before he’d actually seen himself in the costume. Hadn’t his abs been a little more defined when he’d seen them in the bathroom mirror after his morning shower? Had his legs always been this scrawny?
To make matters worse, now all his coworkers were staring at him as well. Romano, who was already beet red, reddened even further. He couldn’t really yell at them for staring because he had to know that he was convincing enough to fool El Apasionado Caballero, but man was this awkward. Romano was sure that he could feel a draft on his butt and the French officer looked like he was enjoying this far too much. He shivered; it was rather cold with so little clothing.
“Er, I don’t mean to discourage you, but are you sure this will work?” Officer Germany asked. “For one thing, the original statue is made of white stone, and you’re clearly not…”
“Hey, when I want your opinion, wurst dick, I’ll ask for it,” Romano growled. “Anyway, that guy’s almost as much of a moron as you, so I’ll have no trouble fooling him even if I don’t look exactly like the original.”
“I’m sorry, Detective Vargas, but I have to agree with Germany,” Finland said. “Even the most inattentive person is bound to notice something like that. Why don’t you put your clothes back on and we’ll just surround the statue so he can’t get near it? You’ll catch cold like that!”
Catch You, Catch Me (4c/6?)
anonymous
January 24 2011, 21:08:45 UTC
“Shut up, all of you!” the detective snapped. “This’ll definitely work so you can just keep your shitty ideas to yourself. Now go hide yourselves before he sees you and gets suspicious!”
Several of the officers, including Germany and Finland, sighed reluctantly and dragged their feet as they went to do as they were told. Romano glanced up at the clock on the wall and saw that there were only three minutes until El Apasionado Caballero was supposed to show up. He decided it was probably wise if he spent that time putting up his mental defenses against the inevitable flamenco music and the way El Apasionado Caballero’s eyes would undoubtedly fix hungrily upon him (because the thief was a pervert and reacted that way to every scantily clad thing he saw, not because he would know that it was Romano standing before him). If El Apasionado Caballero put another one of those creepy pervert spells on him and he had a below-the-waist reaction, the skimpy little piece of cloth wouldn’t be enough to cover everything. Romano was starting to feel a tad light-headed from blushing so hard.
Three minutes dragged by like frozen molasses. Romano adjusted his strap-on angel wings nervously, and double checked that he hadn’t dropped his handcuffs, even though they were pressed under his arm where he could easily feel them. Suddenly there was a soft scraping and creaking sound from somewhere overhead. Romano’s eyes strained through the darkness, trying to see what was causing the sound, but it was over before he could determine its source and something was being lowered to the floor from high up on the wall opposite him, carefully and using a rope.
It wasn’t until a familiar dark figure leapt out of the small space he had just and landed gracefully on the ground that Romano realized that the sound had been made when El Apasionado Caballero unscrewed the covering on the vent. He swallowed hard and ordered his body not to tremble or sweat or blush or anything else that might give him away. Currently he was doing all three.
That was when El Apasionado Caballero began to play his introductory music on his guitar. Romano had never actually witnessed him playing before; he had always played the music and then made his appearance. The detective had only his imagination to provide images of what El Apasionado Caballero might look like as he strummed his instrument. But seeing the real thing revealed that Romano’s imagination was underperforming.
El Apasionado Caballero swayed gently to the music, his head tilted back a bit, a large, confident smile on his face. Romano swallowed hard as he watched nimble, gloved fingers danced across the strings. When Romano saw him play that guitar so expertly, he couldn’t help wondering where else those talented fingers might be able to produce satisfying results. He bit back a curse as he realized that he had already been placed under El Apasionado Caballero’s pervert spell. A hurried glanced down at the growing bulge in the cloth around his waist confirmed this.
Before Romano could even attempt to do anything to fix his body’s humiliating reaction, the introductory song was over.
“It’s awfully quiet again tonight,” El Apasionado Caballero commented. “I wonder if maybe my cute little tomato couldn’t finish all his preparations to meet me tonight on such short notice…”
Oh, ye of little faith. Didn’t El Apasionado Caballero know better than to doubt Romano’s quick prep abilities by now? Romano almost scoffed aloud but caught himself just in time.
“Maybe I could wait a bit in case he’s running a little late,” El Apasionado Caballero mused. “I wanted to eat my churros anyway.”
Catch You, Catch Me (4d/6?)
anonymous
January 24 2011, 21:11:18 UTC
Romano fought the urge to roll his eyes. El Apasionado Caballero didn’t usually talk to himself like this, did he? Romano wouldn’t put it past him, he supposed. The guy had always struck him as being a bit mental. On the other hand, what if this meant that he already knew exactly what was going on and that he was being watched? El Apasionado Caballero took out his Ziploc bag of churros and began to munch on them noisily.
Romano decided that he had been giving the idiot thief way too much credit by wondering if he knew what was happening. He was cold and uncomfortable and his muscles were starting to tire from holding this unnatural pose; it was time to nudge the thief into action. Romano cleared his throat quietly to get his attention.
It seemed that El Apasionado Caballero was unable to hear him over his own munching and crunching because the sound didn’t even cause him to bat an eye. So Romano cleared his throat a bit louder. There was still no response. Romano coughed as loudly as he could without hurting himself, and finally the idiot thief stopped stuffing his face and looked around curiously.
“That’s strange…” he mumbled. “I could have sworn I heard someone cough just now…”
That was when El Apasionado Caballero’s eyes fell on the statue that he was meant to be targeting and, though Romano couldn’t see because of the partial darkness and the mask over the thief’s face, went wide and round as fifty-cent pieces. Romano could feel his cheeks heating up again as El Apasionado Caballero stepped forward hesitantly, fingers raised in wonder as he neared his target. Suddenly he was beginning to have his doubts about whether this had been as crafty a plan as he had initially thought.
El Apasionado Caballero finally stopped, almost nose to nose with Romano. The detective swallowed thickly and tried to order his body to stop reacting to this closeness so noticeably. His heart was pounding so loudly against his ribcage that he feared El Apasionado Caballero could hear it. It didn’t help in the slightest when the thief’s eyes raked over him, scrutinizing him intently, pausing on the bulge in the cloth around his waist.
Romano might have been able to deal with all of this somehow if El Apasionado Caballero hadn’t proceeded to reach out and touch him. He felt his already pounding heart go into overdrive when gentle gloved fingers reached up and touched his cheek softly. Before he could stop himself, Romano’s eyes squeezed shut when El Apasionado Caballero’s fingers traced lightly down the side of his neck, across his collarbone, down his chest, over his nipple, along his ribs, all the way to the curves of his hipbone.
Romano let out an involuntary shuddering breath, wondering if El Apasionado Caballero would continue past the strip of cloth around his waist. His erection was growing more pronounced and he was almost certain that El Apasionado Caballero would be able to see something he shouldn’t. El Apasionado Caballero, for his part, didn’t look nervous or uncomfortable at all. He just continued to stare at Romano reverently, his hand leaving Romano’s waist and coming up instead to run along his arms and wings.
“This… this is the most beautiful artwork I’ve ever seen,” the thief breathed, and there was a twinkle in his eye that said he knew that the thing he was looking at was no sculpture.
If Romano had been capable of reddening any further than he already had, he would have done so upon hearing the sincerity in his voice. He’s messing with me, Romano told himself. He knows it’s me and now he’s just screwing with my head. Well Romano wasn’t going to stand for that. He’d posed in this ridiculous getup for long enough. It was time to make his arrest. Trying to move so quickly that El Apasionado Caballero wouldn’t have time to react, Romano dropped his bow and arrow and began to reach under his arm for the handcuffs he had been concealing there.
Catch You, Catch Me (4e/6?)
anonymous
January 24 2011, 21:14:13 UTC
The detective’s own clumsiness ended up foiling his plan; he accidentally dropped the handcuffs with what sounded to him like an earsplitting clatter. El Apasionado Caballero hardly seemed to notice. He was too busy scooping Romano into his arms. Romano began to kick and squirm, but then he saw the hungry gaze El Apasionado Caballero was aiming at him, and how the redness in the thief’s face had spread beyond the point where he could hide it behind his mask.
Romano looked down at himself and gave a rather unmanly squeak when he realized that the flimsy piece of cloth had slipped from around his waist and was now curled pointlessly around his stomach. He curled himself into a ball, covering his exposed body the best that he could and aimed a punch at El Apasionado Caballero’s face.
“Kidnapping!” Romano screeched. “Pervert! Molestation! Dammit, get your fucking asses in here and save me, you useless bastards!”
But this time, El Apasionado Caballero wasn’t wasting any time trying to show off for anyone. He was obviously intent on making a serious getaway for once. By the time the officers began spilling into the room, El Apasionado Caballero had already shot his grappling hook onto the ledge of a high-up window and was halfway out it and into the surrounding trees.
Meanwhile, Romano was clutching onto El Apasionado Caballero’s suit coat as tightly as he could, hiding his face in the crook of the thief’s neck. He had never been especially fond of heights, but the fact that they were moving so quickly through the trees absolutely terrified him. Romano didn’t trust El Apasionado Caballero not to drop him or run into something.
“S-stop, you bastard,” he sobbed. “I’ll…I’ll h-head-butt you!”
“Sorry, Romano, but I can’t stop now,” El Apasionado Caballero said sympathetically. “There’s still one stubborn officer on our tail and I need to talk to you.”
Someone had been able to keep up with El Apasionado Caballero’s breakneck speed? Romano couldn’t help being deeply surprised. The officers who accompanied him on these jobs had never been any help before. Who was suddenly making himself useful? Romano took a deep breath and peered over El Apasionado Caballero’s shoulder.
Germany was following them on the ground, weaving through the trees with a speed and agility that Romano would never have expected from someone so fat and ugly. Romano’s heart sank. Naturally, he wanted to be saved from whatever unpleasantness El Apasionado Caballero had in store for him, but that didn’t mean he wanted that stinky potato bastard to be the one to do it. He didn’t think his pride would have been able to survive such a blow.
To Romano’s terror, El Apasionado Caballero chose that moment to put on an even greater burst of speed. If Romano hadn’t been so busy sobbing in fear into the thief’s chest, he would have seen Germany falling farther and farther behind. When El Apasionado Caballero was confident that he had lost him, he began to slow down and finally dropped down from the trees and into a clearing. He set Romano carefully on the ground, panting. Romano was so relieved that they weren’t hurtling through the trees anymore that he just curled up on the ground, shivering.
“You ok, my little tomato?” El Apasionado Caballero asked softly, crouching at his side and stroking his hair comfortingly once he had caught his breath. “I’m sorry if that scared you.”
“Damn r-right it did, y-you bastard,” Romano sniffled. “What if you’d d-dropped me, asshole?”
“I would never drop you, Romano,” he assured him. “I was holding on as tight as I could.”
When Romano continued to shiver, El Apasionado Caballero unbuttoned his fancy jacket and helped him into it. The detective couldn’t help being surprised by this. He knew what a pervert the thief was; he was sure that El Apasionado Caballero would have wanted to keep him wearing as little as possible as long as possible. El Apasionado Caballero tried to pull him into his arms, but Romano swatted him away, albeit more weakly than he had intended to do. The thief sighed in disappointment, and gave Romano a little time to collect himself before he began to speak again.
“F-fucking pervert!” Romano screamed. “Hey, you shitty officers! The damn trap failed so get in here and help me catch him!”
“Oops, time to go!” the thief commented.
El Apasionado Caballero was already making for the exit, Romano hot on his trail as the other officers flooded into the room. It seemed that the thief wasn’t going to try for another smoke bomb exit and Romano was grateful for that. El Apasionado Caballero darted into the woods behind the museum, weaving wildly back and forth between the trees in hopes of losing the officers who were following him.
Some of the less fit officers were dropping away as they ran out of energy, but Romano wasn’t about to let him go. He purposely didn’t let on when he could help it, but he could run quite fast when it suited him. El Apasionado Caballero glanced back over his shoulder to see who was still behind him and grinned happily when he saw that only Romano was still on his tail.
That moment of distraction almost cost El Apasionado Caballero his life. He skidded to a halt just in time to avoid running right off a cliff. In his shock over almost having died, the Faith Diamond slipped from his fingers. Romano’s mouth fell open in a silent scream as he watched the diamond tumble over the edge of the cliff, moving as if it was falling in slow motion.
“Dumb ass!” he roared, launching himself forward and making a desperate snatch for it.
He overbalanced, missing the diamond and tumbled over the edge.
“ROMANO!!” El Apasionado Caballero screamed, dropping to his knees and peering over the brink. The detective was clutching a protruding tree branch for dear life.
“D-don’t just stand there, you b-b-bastard!” Romano sniffled, his eyes filling with terrified tears, his bottom lip trembling. “S-save me!”
El Apasionado Caballero was just extending Romano his hand when a little twinkle in the leaves of the tree branch that was keeping Romano from plunging to his death caught his eye. The diamond was caught in the foliage. El Apasionado Caballero shook his head minutely. The moment Romano released the branch, the diamond would be flung into oblivion, but he wasn’t about to risk Romano slipping just for a shiny rock.
El Apasionado Caballero pulled Romano up and into his arms, hugging him like his life depended on it. Romano was so petrified that he just trembled in El Apasionado Caballero’s arms, tears of relief spilling down his cheeks.
“Don’t ever do anything like that again!” El Apasionado Caballero scolded, shaking Romano. “You could have died!”
“Wh-what do you care?” Romano mumbled, blushing as he wiped his eyes on his sleeve. “I’m trying to put you in jail, moron. You should want me out of the way… Anyway, the diamond-”
“Is worthless to me compared to you! There are thousands, maybe millions of diamonds in this world but there’s only one sweet little Romano tomato!”
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“I love you, Romano,” El Apasionado Caballero whispered, “I can’t bear the thought of anything happening to you. Promise you’ll never do something reckless like that ever again.”
Romano blushed, but only because he was so shocked and disgusted to be hearing those words from another man. “S-stupid… I don’t wanna hear that from you. And don’t throw those words around so lightly... If I…” he paused, swallowing hard around the lump in his throat, “if I actually gave a shit about you I’d be pissed beyond belief if you were j… just making shit up.”
“I mean it,” El Apasionado Caballero assured him. “With all my heart.”
Romano’s stomach felt strange again. His chest felt weird, too. Maybe stupid jerk El Apasionado Caballero had put another spell on him.
“A-anyway, shut up and get your perverted hands off me or I’ll head-butt you again,” he mumbled. Romano didn’t pull away himself, but only because he was so drained after almost dying.
El Apasionado Caballero released him hurriedly; his ribs still hurt from the last head-butt. Romano hurriedly turned his back on him so that he wouldn’t see the color in his cheeks and get the wrong idea.
“I guess you’re gonna arrest me now, huh?” El Apasionado Caballero sighed. “I don’t really feel like running anymore.”
He held out his wrists, waiting for Romano to slap the handcuffs on him. Romano didn’t turn around, but he mumbled something that El Apasionado Caballero couldn’t hear.
“Eh?”
“I said… I don’t wanna look at your stupid face anymore. G-get out of here.”
“You mean it, Romano?”
“I… I owe you for pulling me up just now… If it’d been any other thief I’d been chasing they probably would’ve let me fall…”
“Oh, Romano, thank you! That’s so sweet! I knew you wouldn’t really put me in jail!”
“Sh-shut up or I’ll head-butt you again, you bastard! I just don’t wanna be in the debt of any shitty thief!”
“Ok, ok, I’m going!”
El Apasionado Caballero smiled softly at him before turning around and starting to walk away. Then he paused and looked back at him over his shoulder.
“Better luck next time, my little tomato,” he said.
Romano whirled around furiously. “Don’t you dare say that fucking line to me! I’m letting you go, asswipe!”
“But I have to say it!” El Apasionado Caballero insisted. “It’s my suave exit line! Every gentleman thief needs a suave exit line! Maybe you don’t understand because you’re a detective, but…”
El Apasionado Caballero’s words were sharply cut off by a head-butt to the back.
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I can't wait until you post more! Romano as a fail!detective is brilliant. You write his character very well, with his shifting the blame of something toward somebody else, and his confidence in his repetitive schemes, and his easily distracted, somewhat emotional nature. . . I love how you portray his feelings regarding 'El Apasionado Caballero.' He's attracted to him (lovelovelove Romano's dream and the events after, where he thinks about the possibility that Spain had seen it) but trying and failing to hide it. And that one scene, where he's basically about to die and he asks for Spain to help him was just so in-character and so beautiful. . .
You characterize El Apasionado Caballero (haha, I totally just copy-paste the name whenever it comes up XD) so well, too. He's silly in that completely oblivious-Spain way, but he's also competent. The relationship he has with Romano is interesting, and I'm really liking how you're fleshing it out. Particularly in this scene, where he saves Romano instead of the diamond.
The humor in this is awesome, too. The bars on the cage are skinny enough for Spain to squeeze through. Romano's fail!team of police who never show up until he calls them. The fact that Romano's using a cage in the first place. I freaking love this! Normally, humor either slides right past me or tries too hard, but this! This is the perfect balance of cute, fluff, romance, action (I love the way you write these scenes by the way), and everything.
Sorry if this is too incoherent and ramble-y; I'm just so excited about this fill! ^^
Update this soon! It's amazing!
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Romano’s boss, a man by the name of England, was strict and quick-tempered. For some reason, when he found himself face-to-face with England, he became a nervous, quivering mess who could only squeak out timid replies to his boss’s snarled questions and accusations. Actually, Romano knew exactly why England had this effect on him; the man was terrifying. The less he had to do with him, Romano thought, the better, but he had been finding himself in England’s office more and more lately.
But that could be put off until Monday. Until then, Romano had two full days to do as he pleased, provided that El Apasionado Caballero didn’t screw that up by sending a calling card for Saturday or Sunday. Today, Romano decided that he’d spend some time with his little brother. He had called him up and hinted in the most obvious way that he could without completely tossing his pride out the window that he wouldn’t hate the idea of his brother coming over with some pastries and cappuccino from his shop for them to share at Romano’s place.
The detective’s younger brother, Italy, owned a quaint little café a block away from the police station. Thanks to his location and outstanding cooking abilities (which he had inherited from Romano), he did a roaring trade with police officers, who liked going there on their breaks. Unfortunately for Romano, this also meant that Italy, who had always been naïve and a bit weak in the head, was frequently exposed to the lowlifes that Romano had the misfortune to call co-workers. In particular, it had allowed Italy to meet a certain potato bastard.
The two of them seemed to be trying to keep it on the down-low, but Romano knew for a fact that they were dating. He had gone to his brother’s café one day for lunch, walked around the counter to help himself like he always did, found the two of them making out in the back room and promptly lost his appetite. Romano knew instantly that they were terrible for each other and had devoted a great deal of time and energy to getting them to realize this, but both of them were so hopelessly thick-headed that he might as well have been talking to rocks.
Romano’s doorbell rang and he got up to let his brother inside. As expected, Italy greeted him with a big dopey smile, a bag of pastries in one hand and a cardboard drink-holder with some envelopes nestled between the cups in the other.
“Good morning, Brother! Thanks for inviting me over!” he chirped.
“Yeah, yeah, just come in already,” Romano grunted, waving him inside and taking the drink-holder from him. “What’re these?”
He indicated the envelopes.
“Oh, the mailman was dropping off the mail when I pulled up so I thought I’d bring it in for you.”
Romano led the way into the kitchen and set down the drinks so that he could look over the mail. He gave each bill a derisive snort and tossed it carelessly over his shoulder. When he was finished, Romano was left with only one envelope. This particular one was addressed in handwritten scrawl. Frowning, Romano tore it open. There were three items inside: two tickets to some sort of stunt and magic performance and a very brief letter.
I know you usually throw these away, but it would really mean a lot to me if you would come see my show. I’m saving your usual fourth row and center seats for you in case you change your mind!
Love,
Spain
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“What is it, Brother?” Italy asked, taking a seat at the table and plucking his drink from the tray. “Is it Spain again?”
“Yeah,” Romano huffed. “When will that dumb ass get it through his thick skull that just because I saved him once a long time ago, doesn’t mean I want anything to do with him?”
“He comes to my café sometimes,” Italy remarked. “He’s a really nice guy. He always asks about you… You never did tell me what Spain did to make you so mad, but I think it was all just a misunderstanding. Maybe you should give him second chance?”
Romano stuck his nose in the air stubbornly. It had been a while since he had seen Spain face-to-face, but time had not dimmed his memory of the man. He remembered his cheerful demeanor, his passable looks, the way he had flirted with Romano so openly. Unlike most men that Romano met, Spain didn’t completely disgust him from the get-go (that didn’t mean he liked him, though!) and deep in his heart, Romano knew that it was partially for this reason that he was so insistent on never seeing or speaking to him again.
For a majority of Romano’s life, he had played second fiddle to his younger brother. Even his parents and grandfather had preferred Italy. Romano had had only two lovers over the course of his lifetime, and both of them had ended up leaving him because they found themselves more attracted to the younger Vargas brother.
Though Romano had done his best to put all that behind him and act as if he didn’t care, the truth was that the scars ran deep. In his darkest moments, when he was lying in bed and there was no one to put up a front for, Romano told himself that even if he found someone to whom he wanted to give his whole body and heart, that person would toss him aside for his brother and the hurt would be so deep that he would never recover. And though he would never, ever admit this to anyone, the thought terrified him so much that he pushed away anyone he thought had any sort of potential to interest him romantically.
“Are you going to see his show?” Italy asked, taking a sip of his cappuccino.
“Hell no. Didn’t I just say I’m not interested in that bastard?”
“What a waste! I heard it’s a really good show, too. It’s gotten really good reviews in all the newspapers.”
“Like I care,” Romano said dispassionately around a mouthful of blueberry tart. “Anyway, if I show up, he’ll get the wrong idea.”
“Well… if you’re not going to use them, would you mind giving the tickets to me?”
“What’re you gonna do with them?”
“Um… I thought I might take Germany to see it. It would be a fun idea for a date, don’t you think?”
Romano’s face went red with rage at the very idea. “No fucking way am I giving them to you! You know how I feel about that potato dick!”
“I think you and Germany just got off on the wrong foot!” Italy said hurriedly. “If you could just start over…”
“Don’t give me that shit; I know what he’s like! I work with that asshole! Listen to me, Veniciano, ‘cause I’m telling you this for your own good: the guy’s a loser! He’s trying to take advantage of you!”
Italy looked hurt. “Germany would never take advantage of me. He’s one of the sweetest, gentlest people I know and we’re in love. You don’t hurt someone you’re in love with.”
“There’s no such thing as love, idiot! It’s a fucking fairy tale! If that twisted jerk feels anything for you, it’s only lust! How many times do I have to say this to you before you get it?!”
Italy opened his mouth to argue, but he could see the pain smoldering in his brother’s eyes and he fell silent. Nothing he said could change Romano’s mind, not when he had been hurt so many times. He would just have to keep praying that his brother’s special someone would show up soon and prove to him that he was mistaken. Romano shoved the letter and tickets back in the envelope and crumpled it into a ball before throwing the lot into the trash.
******
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The detective was stopped at a corner, waiting for the light to change when he first laid eyes on Spain. Spain hadn’t seen him yet; he was too busy texting someone. Romano saw the following events as if in slow motion. A child riding his bike on the sidewalk swerved to miss a dog crossing his path, and bumped Spain, causing him to drop his phone in the street. Spain, like the moron he was, unthinkingly stepped out into on-coming traffic to retrieve it, completely overlooking the city bus that was speeding toward him.
Acting on sheer instinct, Romano darted across the street and shoved Spain out of the way just in the nick of time. Unfortunately Romano had been less lucky; the bus clipped his leg and broke it badly. The Italian had always had a rather low tolerance for pain, so he had blacked out and didn’t awake until hours later, by which time he had been taken to the hospital.
The first thing he noticed as he began to regain consciousness was the sound of someone’s shoes against the carpet, pacing restlessly. Romano moaned; there was a sickly throbbing in his leg, though it didn’t hurt. He brought a hand to his head and found that a large piece of gauze had been taped to his face. Romano didn’t have time to process much more than this, because whoever was pacing in his room had noticed that he was awake.
“Oh! You’re awake! I’m so glad!”
Romano squinted at him. His head was throbbing, too. “Who the fuck’re you?”
“I’m Spain Fernandez-Carriedo, the guy you saved from the bus,” the man chirped, looking way too energetic. “And you’re Detective Romano Vargas, my hero!”
“I know who I am, dumb ass,” Romano grumbled, too miserable to muster up the bite he would usually put in his voice. “What the hell are you doing in my room?”
“I was waiting for you to wake up so I could say thank you for saving me,” Spain explained. “I can’t begin to tell you how grateful I am! I’m just sorry you had to go and get so banged up because of it.”
“There’s always a punishment for doing something nice for someone,” Romano mumbled. “This time, there were two punishments: a broken leg and an annoying bastard in my room who won’t shut the hell up… God, I feel like I’m gonna puke.”
“The doctor said you have a minor concussion and that you might feel sick when you woke up,” Spain said, lowering his voice so as to lessen the aggravation to Romano’s poor spinning head. “Would you like some water?”
“F-fine…”
Spain hurried to pour Romano a glass of water from the pitcher that had been placed on Romano’s bedside table. Now that Spain had come closer, Romano could focus on him a bit better. Wavy dark hair, sun-kissed tan skin, lively green eyes, a body that erred on the lean and muscular side… Romano’s cheeks pinked slightly. The guy may be annoying as hell, but he certainly wasn’t the ugliest human being Romano had ever seen. Maybe it was just the concussion and worsening sick feeling in his stomach talking, though.
Spain offered Romano the glass of water just as the detective leaned over the edge of the bed and threw up on his shoes.
******
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And he brought gifts; sometimes flowers, or chocolate, or alcohol, or even full five course home-cooked meals. It was three months before Romano was completely healed and there was not a single day during that time that Spain failed to visit him and tell him how grateful he was for what Romano had done for him.
The detective didn’t know how to react to Spain. He cursed him out and told him that he was annoying and to go away several times per visit, but everything he said just slid off of Spain like water off a duck’s back. Aside from his family, no one had ever willingly put up with him for so long.
Factor in Spain’s tolerable looks, cheerful, easy-going personality, and the fact that he told Romano every day how glad he was to have met him, and Romano found his heart filled with the beginnings of worryingly tender feelings toward the man. Not love, of course (Romano wasn’t a moron or a masochist), but a disturbing lack of hatred and resentment, especially considering the fact that his leg had been broken saving this idiot.
But as Romano had learned the hard way over and over throughout his life, people could only pretend to be decent for a short amount of time before they exposed their rotten cores. He and Spain had been sitting on the couch that fateful day, watching TV, and Romano had nodded off against Spain’s shoulder. Spain, still not understanding even after the millions of times that Romano had warned him that he didn’t like being touched, thought that he could take advantage of Romano’s sleepiness to hold his hand. Well, he was lucky this time that Romano really was too tired to yell at him, but that didn’t mean he liked it.
That was when Italy showed up, a bag containing grilled sandwiches and pasta salad from his café in hand, intending to share them with his brother for dinner. Though Italy had visited Romano frequently during the time that he was recuperating, his and Spain’s visits had never coincided before. When Spain laid eyes on Italy, he stood up, leaving Romano to be startled awake by the sudden loss of support.
“Hey, are you Romano’s younger brother?” Spain asked, sounding way too interested for Romano’s liking. Warning signs were flaring up in his mind like fireworks in response to the tone of Spain’s voice. That was when Spain dropped the bomb on him. “You’re adorable! Why haven’t I met you before?”
That, to Romano’s paranoid ears, sounded like “Why have I been wasting my time with Romano when I could have had you this whole time?” And Romano flipped out. He jumped to his feet, sprinted around the couch and punched Spain in the jaw with all his might.
“Get the fuck out of my house! Both of you!” he shouted.
“Eh? Wh-what’s wrong, Brother?”
“R…Romano… why…?”
“Out! Get out right now or I’ll call the fucking cops on your asses!”
Bewildered and hurt, Spain and Italy left Romano’s house, neither one of them understanding why they had just been thrown out. Once he had hurt the door slam shut, Romano hurried over to lock it, his chest heaving like he had just run a marathon. Then he slid his back down the door, dropping into a sitting position.
He didn’t care. I don’t give a shit, he told himself. Spain was a clueless idiot who never listened when he told him not to touch him or to go away, who forced his barely edible food down Romano’s throat, and wouldn’t shut up about how cute Romano was or about how much he liked him… He was only saying that stuff because I saved him. Everyone likes Veneciano better anyway. Why should stupid Spain be any different? I don’t give a shit about him. And Romano buried his face in his arms and sobbed.
******
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Yet Spain, ever the clueless dumb ass, still didn’t get it. He harassed Romano this way every single day until about eight months ago. After that, Spain just stopped visiting, stopped ringing the door bell, stopped leaving gifts. Romano had been grateful beyond belief. He had been starting to think that he would be stuck with Spain for the rest of his life. But Spain hadn’t given up altogether. He still sent tickets to his shows every time he had one.
Spain was a stage performer, and a very popular one at that. Apparently his stunts and magic tricks were second to none. Romano wouldn’t know; he’d never seen one of his shows and he didn’t plan to do so any time in the foreseeable future. Sometimes, in his weaker moments, Romano considered giving in and going to Spain’s stupid show, but then he forced himself to remember the utter betrayal of that day when Spain had met Italy and he would tear the tickets up with renewed hatred. If that asshole ever showed his face in front of Romano again, he was going to beat the crap out of him, no questions asked.
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I really hope they can get together without Spain being sent to jail or Romano being fired.
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I'm really glad you gave a background to Spain's love towards Romano. Love how you describe his insecurities in this one. Still waiting for why Spain decided to steal diamonds, though! :D
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El Apasionado Caballero could have easily let Romano die last night, and the detective couldn’t understand for the life of him why he hadn’t done so. If Romano captured him and put him in jail, El Apasionado Caballero’s life would be seriously messed up. He wouldn’t get a life-time sentence, especially since he had never attempted to injure anyone or even carried a weapon of any kind, but because of the serial nature of his crimes and the value of the items he stole, he would spend at least several years in prison for it. Even after he was released from jail, the repercussions would follow him for life. Why would El Apasionado Caballero not take the chance to get rid of the person who intended to see that he got what he had coming to him?
On top of that, he hadn’t seemed the least bit upset over losing the diamond he had put himself on the line in order to steal. He had even called it worthless in comparison to Romano. Romano couldn’t imagine what would drive a criminal, of all people, to act this way. When he had asked El Apasionado Caballero why he had done it, his answer had been “I love you, Romano. I can’t bear the thought of anything happening to you.” (The fact that he remembered El Apasionado Caballero’s exact words in that instance had nothing to do with him liking what he had heard and everything to do with his finely honed skill as a detective.)
Romano supposed he could have understood if the thief had said he’d done it because he didn’t want a person’s death on his conscience. He would also have understood if El Apasionado Caballero thought so little of him as a detective (because if he was honest with himself, his track record on this particular case was not that impressive) that he wished to keep Romano in his place as head of his case so that no one who posed a real threat would take up the position instead. But the answer he had received had thrown him into deep uncertainty about what he had thought he’d known for sure.
The detective had long ago learned not to be swayed by pretty words, but when accompanied by such an undeniably selfless act, he was almost kind of tempted to wonder whether there might have been some truth to what El Apasionado Caballero had said. Actually, his real purpose in asking Italy to come over today was to discuss with him what had happened in hopes of getting his thoughts on the matter. Italy may have been an airhead, but he was a lot more confident when it came to matters of the heart. Romano’s heart was uninvolved in this particular matter, of course, but that was beside the point.
Romano knew that he wouldn’t have been able to discuss things of this nature as openly as he wished he could, even if Italy was his brother, but he might have been able to express his problem somehow. If only dumb ass Spain and that damn potato bastard hadn’t interfered, he might be feeling a little less crappy right now. Not only that, but maybe he did kind of feel bad about hurting Italy’s feelings like that.
The detective sighed and flopped down onto his bed, irritable and shaken. Why did that bastard of a thief have to keep screwing with his head? Why couldn’t he just go away and leave Romano to his refreshingly simple, albeit depressing worldview? Romano wriggled back under the covers and curled in on himself, even though it was only eleven in the morning. Perhaps he would take an early siesta today.
******
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Not only that, but El Apasionado Caballero said that he was planning to strike that very night, not even bothering to give him the usual one day’s notice. Tonight, October 11th, I will steal the statue of Cupid from the Chiarina City Art Museum at 8:30 PM. Love, El Apasionado Caballero. Romano couldn’t help wondering if there was some special reason that the thief was pilfering again so soon, but he couldn’t really think of anything that made sense.
He supposed motive wasn’t really important now; he needed to focus instead on which of his brilliant plans of attack he would use tonight. Romano always kept a number of traps stockpiled because of El Apasionado Caballero’s tendency to strike on short notice. All of them were ingenious, but he was going to pull out the big guns tonight. He was going to dress up like the Cupid statue and fool El Apasionado Caballero into thinking he was the real thing. Then, when El Apasionado Caballero came close to try to steal him, he would slap the handcuffs on him. It was fool proof!
Romano wolfed down the remainder of his toast and hurried out the door, heading for the Chiarina City Art Museum to see what kind of materials he would need for the costume.
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Romano shifted uncomfortably, glancing down at the flimsy strip of cloth curled around his waist one more time to make absolutely certain that it was covering everything. This plan seemed less appealing with each passing minute. When he had come to look at the statue that morning to see what kind of costume he would need to make, Romano had been a bit dismayed to find that the only clothing Cupid wore was a flowing strip of cloth that just barely obscured his man bits from view.
Romano had had reservations from the start about exposing himself that way, but the plan was so brilliant, so perfect in every way, that he hadn’t been able to bring himself to abandon it. If he couldn’t catch El Apasionado Caballero this way, then the man was too elusive for anything and anyone. And Romano had been quite a bit more confident in his own physique that morning, before he’d actually seen himself in the costume. Hadn’t his abs been a little more defined when he’d seen them in the bathroom mirror after his morning shower? Had his legs always been this scrawny?
To make matters worse, now all his coworkers were staring at him as well. Romano, who was already beet red, reddened even further. He couldn’t really yell at them for staring because he had to know that he was convincing enough to fool El Apasionado Caballero, but man was this awkward. Romano was sure that he could feel a draft on his butt and the French officer looked like he was enjoying this far too much. He shivered; it was rather cold with so little clothing.
“Er, I don’t mean to discourage you, but are you sure this will work?” Officer Germany asked. “For one thing, the original statue is made of white stone, and you’re clearly not…”
“Hey, when I want your opinion, wurst dick, I’ll ask for it,” Romano growled. “Anyway, that guy’s almost as much of a moron as you, so I’ll have no trouble fooling him even if I don’t look exactly like the original.”
“I’m sorry, Detective Vargas, but I have to agree with Germany,” Finland said. “Even the most inattentive person is bound to notice something like that. Why don’t you put your clothes back on and we’ll just surround the statue so he can’t get near it? You’ll catch cold like that!”
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Several of the officers, including Germany and Finland, sighed reluctantly and dragged their feet as they went to do as they were told. Romano glanced up at the clock on the wall and saw that there were only three minutes until El Apasionado Caballero was supposed to show up. He decided it was probably wise if he spent that time putting up his mental defenses against the inevitable flamenco music and the way El Apasionado Caballero’s eyes would undoubtedly fix hungrily upon him (because the thief was a pervert and reacted that way to every scantily clad thing he saw, not because he would know that it was Romano standing before him). If El Apasionado Caballero put another one of those creepy pervert spells on him and he had a below-the-waist reaction, the skimpy little piece of cloth wouldn’t be enough to cover everything. Romano was starting to feel a tad light-headed from blushing so hard.
Three minutes dragged by like frozen molasses. Romano adjusted his strap-on angel wings nervously, and double checked that he hadn’t dropped his handcuffs, even though they were pressed under his arm where he could easily feel them. Suddenly there was a soft scraping and creaking sound from somewhere overhead. Romano’s eyes strained through the darkness, trying to see what was causing the sound, but it was over before he could determine its source and something was being lowered to the floor from high up on the wall opposite him, carefully and using a rope.
It wasn’t until a familiar dark figure leapt out of the small space he had just and landed gracefully on the ground that Romano realized that the sound had been made when El Apasionado Caballero unscrewed the covering on the vent. He swallowed hard and ordered his body not to tremble or sweat or blush or anything else that might give him away. Currently he was doing all three.
That was when El Apasionado Caballero began to play his introductory music on his guitar. Romano had never actually witnessed him playing before; he had always played the music and then made his appearance. The detective had only his imagination to provide images of what El Apasionado Caballero might look like as he strummed his instrument. But seeing the real thing revealed that Romano’s imagination was underperforming.
El Apasionado Caballero swayed gently to the music, his head tilted back a bit, a large, confident smile on his face. Romano swallowed hard as he watched nimble, gloved fingers danced across the strings. When Romano saw him play that guitar so expertly, he couldn’t help wondering where else those talented fingers might be able to produce satisfying results. He bit back a curse as he realized that he had already been placed under El Apasionado Caballero’s pervert spell. A hurried glanced down at the growing bulge in the cloth around his waist confirmed this.
Before Romano could even attempt to do anything to fix his body’s humiliating reaction, the introductory song was over.
“It’s awfully quiet again tonight,” El Apasionado Caballero commented. “I wonder if maybe my cute little tomato couldn’t finish all his preparations to meet me tonight on such short notice…”
Oh, ye of little faith. Didn’t El Apasionado Caballero know better than to doubt Romano’s quick prep abilities by now? Romano almost scoffed aloud but caught himself just in time.
“Maybe I could wait a bit in case he’s running a little late,” El Apasionado Caballero mused. “I wanted to eat my churros anyway.”
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Romano decided that he had been giving the idiot thief way too much credit by wondering if he knew what was happening. He was cold and uncomfortable and his muscles were starting to tire from holding this unnatural pose; it was time to nudge the thief into action. Romano cleared his throat quietly to get his attention.
It seemed that El Apasionado Caballero was unable to hear him over his own munching and crunching because the sound didn’t even cause him to bat an eye. So Romano cleared his throat a bit louder. There was still no response. Romano coughed as loudly as he could without hurting himself, and finally the idiot thief stopped stuffing his face and looked around curiously.
“That’s strange…” he mumbled. “I could have sworn I heard someone cough just now…”
That was when El Apasionado Caballero’s eyes fell on the statue that he was meant to be targeting and, though Romano couldn’t see because of the partial darkness and the mask over the thief’s face, went wide and round as fifty-cent pieces. Romano could feel his cheeks heating up again as El Apasionado Caballero stepped forward hesitantly, fingers raised in wonder as he neared his target. Suddenly he was beginning to have his doubts about whether this had been as crafty a plan as he had initially thought.
El Apasionado Caballero finally stopped, almost nose to nose with Romano. The detective swallowed thickly and tried to order his body to stop reacting to this closeness so noticeably. His heart was pounding so loudly against his ribcage that he feared El Apasionado Caballero could hear it. It didn’t help in the slightest when the thief’s eyes raked over him, scrutinizing him intently, pausing on the bulge in the cloth around his waist.
Romano might have been able to deal with all of this somehow if El Apasionado Caballero hadn’t proceeded to reach out and touch him. He felt his already pounding heart go into overdrive when gentle gloved fingers reached up and touched his cheek softly. Before he could stop himself, Romano’s eyes squeezed shut when El Apasionado Caballero’s fingers traced lightly down the side of his neck, across his collarbone, down his chest, over his nipple, along his ribs, all the way to the curves of his hipbone.
Romano let out an involuntary shuddering breath, wondering if El Apasionado Caballero would continue past the strip of cloth around his waist. His erection was growing more pronounced and he was almost certain that El Apasionado Caballero would be able to see something he shouldn’t. El Apasionado Caballero, for his part, didn’t look nervous or uncomfortable at all. He just continued to stare at Romano reverently, his hand leaving Romano’s waist and coming up instead to run along his arms and wings.
“This… this is the most beautiful artwork I’ve ever seen,” the thief breathed, and there was a twinkle in his eye that said he knew that the thing he was looking at was no sculpture.
If Romano had been capable of reddening any further than he already had, he would have done so upon hearing the sincerity in his voice. He’s messing with me, Romano told himself. He knows it’s me and now he’s just screwing with my head. Well Romano wasn’t going to stand for that. He’d posed in this ridiculous getup for long enough. It was time to make his arrest. Trying to move so quickly that El Apasionado Caballero wouldn’t have time to react, Romano dropped his bow and arrow and began to reach under his arm for the handcuffs he had been concealing there.
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Romano looked down at himself and gave a rather unmanly squeak when he realized that the flimsy piece of cloth had slipped from around his waist and was now curled pointlessly around his stomach. He curled himself into a ball, covering his exposed body the best that he could and aimed a punch at El Apasionado Caballero’s face.
“Kidnapping!” Romano screeched. “Pervert! Molestation! Dammit, get your fucking asses in here and save me, you useless bastards!”
But this time, El Apasionado Caballero wasn’t wasting any time trying to show off for anyone. He was obviously intent on making a serious getaway for once. By the time the officers began spilling into the room, El Apasionado Caballero had already shot his grappling hook onto the ledge of a high-up window and was halfway out it and into the surrounding trees.
Meanwhile, Romano was clutching onto El Apasionado Caballero’s suit coat as tightly as he could, hiding his face in the crook of the thief’s neck. He had never been especially fond of heights, but the fact that they were moving so quickly through the trees absolutely terrified him. Romano didn’t trust El Apasionado Caballero not to drop him or run into something.
“S-stop, you bastard,” he sobbed. “I’ll…I’ll h-head-butt you!”
“Sorry, Romano, but I can’t stop now,” El Apasionado Caballero said sympathetically. “There’s still one stubborn officer on our tail and I need to talk to you.”
Someone had been able to keep up with El Apasionado Caballero’s breakneck speed? Romano couldn’t help being deeply surprised. The officers who accompanied him on these jobs had never been any help before. Who was suddenly making himself useful? Romano took a deep breath and peered over El Apasionado Caballero’s shoulder.
Germany was following them on the ground, weaving through the trees with a speed and agility that Romano would never have expected from someone so fat and ugly. Romano’s heart sank. Naturally, he wanted to be saved from whatever unpleasantness El Apasionado Caballero had in store for him, but that didn’t mean he wanted that stinky potato bastard to be the one to do it. He didn’t think his pride would have been able to survive such a blow.
To Romano’s terror, El Apasionado Caballero chose that moment to put on an even greater burst of speed. If Romano hadn’t been so busy sobbing in fear into the thief’s chest, he would have seen Germany falling farther and farther behind. When El Apasionado Caballero was confident that he had lost him, he began to slow down and finally dropped down from the trees and into a clearing. He set Romano carefully on the ground, panting. Romano was so relieved that they weren’t hurtling through the trees anymore that he just curled up on the ground, shivering.
“You ok, my little tomato?” El Apasionado Caballero asked softly, crouching at his side and stroking his hair comfortingly once he had caught his breath. “I’m sorry if that scared you.”
“Damn r-right it did, y-you bastard,” Romano sniffled. “What if you’d d-dropped me, asshole?”
“I would never drop you, Romano,” he assured him. “I was holding on as tight as I could.”
When Romano continued to shiver, El Apasionado Caballero unbuttoned his fancy jacket and helped him into it. The detective couldn’t help being surprised by this. He knew what a pervert the thief was; he was sure that El Apasionado Caballero would have wanted to keep him wearing as little as possible as long as possible. El Apasionado Caballero tried to pull him into his arms, but Romano swatted him away, albeit more weakly than he had intended to do. The thief sighed in disappointment, and gave Romano a little time to collect himself before he began to speak again.
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