Re: Fix That Will You [2NOTES/?]
anonymous
August 25 2010, 04:57:20 UTC
Hey, anon, I hope you won't mind some concrit? I really like this story- you have some really good ideas (like the popularity of the Kirkland books)- but you have a few mistakes that throw me out of the story a bit. Also, due to the nature of these mistakes, I'm pretty sure I read another one of your fills recently, which was also pretty awesome, but had the same problems.
You have a few minor grammar problems, but more glaring are the colloquialisms aren't quite correct. A couple of examples:
"It’s like the right of passage." --> It's like a rite of passage- as in, a ritual of sorts.
"Yes, well their all the first published" --> Yes, well, they're all first editions"
Possibly the most distracting problem is your constant changing of tenses. Some is in present tense, others are in past tense, and you switch between the two much too often. You seem to want to write this fill in present tense, so try to watch out for the verbs that slip by in past tense.
The meme has a Beta Express service (http://hetalia-kink.livejournal.com/15405.html) that can help with this. You have some really excellent ideas that you incorporate into your fills, and I'd hate to see other people miss out on this because they don't like the grammar.
You have a few minor grammar problems, but more glaring are the colloquialisms aren't quite correct. A couple of examples:
"It’s like the right of passage."
--> It's like a rite of passage- as in, a ritual of sorts.
"Yes, well their all the first published"
--> Yes, well, they're all first editions"
Possibly the most distracting problem is your constant changing of tenses. Some is in present tense, others are in past tense, and you switch between the two much too often. You seem to want to write this fill in present tense, so try to watch out for the verbs that slip by in past tense.
The meme has a Beta Express service (http://hetalia-kink.livejournal.com/15405.html) that can help with this. You have some really excellent ideas that you incorporate into your fills, and I'd hate to see other people miss out on this because they don't like the grammar.
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